Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death ar-1

by M C Beaton

  "Oh, all right," said Doris ungraciously.

  Would anyone in this day and age believe you had to beg a cleaner to leave her work? marvelled Agatha.

  Once in the kitchen and with coffee poured, Agatha said, "Now tell me about Mrs. Barr."

  "What's to tell?"

  "Someone in the pub said something about her having disgraced herself and then said in a high voice as if imitating her, "Reg, Reg, kiss me."

  '

  "Oh, that!"

  "Oh, what, Doris? I'm dying of curiosity." "Curiosity killed the cat," said Doris sententiously. "Well, there was this young chap over at Campden and he wrote a play, sort of old-fashioned type thing it were, you know, where they has long cigarette holders and talks like them old British war films. He was a protege of Vera Cummings-Browne. Anyway, Mrs. Cummings-Browne said she would get the dramatic society to put it on. Two of the parts were about a middle-aged couple remembering the passion of their youth, or that's how the programme put it. This was played by Mrs. Barr and Mr. Cummings-Browne. Dead boring that whole play was. Anyway, they were supposed to be on a liner and there they was sat, in deck chairs and with travel rugs over their knees saying things like, "Remember India, darling?"

  "Sort of fake Noel Coward?"

  "I s'pose. I wouldn't know. Anyways, Mrs. Barr suddenly turns to him and says, "Reg, Reg, kiss me." Well, that war en in the scrip' and what's more, the character Mr. Cummings-Browne was playing was called Ralph. He muttered something and she threw herself at him, his deck chair went over, and we all cheered and laughed, thinking it was the first funny thing that evening, but the playwright screamed awful words and tried to climb up on the stage and Mrs. Cummings-Browne closed the curtains. We could hear the most awful row going on backstage and then Mrs. Cummings-Browne came out in front of the curtains and said the rest of the play was cancelled."

  "So Mrs. Barr must have been having an affair with Cummings-Browne!"

  "You know, I often wonder if that one did more than have a bit of a kiss and cuddle. I mean, take Ella Cart-wright; for all she looks like a slut, all she really cares about is getting money for the bingo. Now can I go back to work?"

  The security firm arrived and Agatha paid over a staggering sum and then they began to fit lights and alarms and pressure pads.

  "Going to be like Fort Knox here," grumbled Doris.

  Agatha went out and sat in the garden to get away from the workmen, but the sun was too fierce. The air of the Cotswolds is very heavy and on that day the sun seemed to have burnt all the oxygen out of it. She felt as isolated as if she were on a desert island, even with Doris working away and men bustling about fixing the alarm system. She moved her chair into a patch of shade. She would not make any rash decisions. She would see how quickly Mrs. Barr sold her house and try to find out how much she got for it. If the sale was a healthy one, then she would put her own cottage on the market. She would move back to London and start all over again in the PR business. She would try to lure Roy away from Pedmans. He was shaping up nicely.

  Although the news bulletins said the tar was melting on the streets of London under the heat, she saw it under rainy skies with the pavements glistening in the wet, reflecting the colours of the goods in the shop windows. She had become used to the international population of London, to the different-coloured faces, to the exotic restaurants.

  Here she was surrounded by Anglo-Saxon faces and Anglo-Saxon ways. The scandal of John Cartwright was over, she knew that. Already plans were being made for the annual village band concert, money to Famine Relief this time. Apart from sending money off to the distressed of the outside world, the villagers were not much concerned with anything that went on which disturbed the slow, easy tenor of their days.

  Suffocating! That's what it was. Suffocating, thought Agatha, striking the arm of her chair.

  "Someone to see you," called one of the workmen.

  Agatha went into the house. Bill Wong was standing at the front door.

  "Come in," called Agatha. "Have they caught him?"

  "Not yet. See you're getting every security system going."

  They've started, so they may as well finish," said Agatha. "Let's hope it adds to the price of the house, for I mean to leave."

  He followed her into the kitchen and sat down. "Leave? Why? Anyone else been trying to murder you?"

  "Not yet." Agatha sat down opposite him. "I'm bored."

  "Some would think you were leading a very exciting life in the country."

  "I don't fit in here," said Agatha. "I mean to go back to London and start in business again."

  His almond-shaped eyes studied her without expression. Then he said, "You know, you haven't given it much time. It takes about two years to settle in anywhere. Besides, you're a different person. Less prickly, less insensitive."

  Agatha sniffed. "Weak, you mean. No, nothing will change my mind now.

  Why are you here?"

  "Just to ask after your health." He fished in the pocket of the jacket which he had been carrying over his arm when he arrived and which was now on the back of the chair. He produced a jar of home-made jam.

  "It's my mother's," he said awkwardly. "Thought you might like some.

  Strawberry." "Oh, how lovely," said Agatha. "I'll take it up to London with me."

  "You're surely not leaving right away!" "No, but I thought while you were talking that it would do me good to take a short holiday from Carsely book into some hotel in London."

  "How long for?"

  "I don't know. Probably a week."

  "So this means your life as an amateur detective is over." "It never really got started," said Agatha. "I thought the fuss I was causing was because there was a murderer in the village. But all I was doing was riling people up."

  Bill studied her for a few moments and then said, "Perhaps you might find you have changed. Perhaps you will find London doesn't suit you any more."

  "Now, that I very much doubt," laughed Agatha. "I tell you what I'll do when I get back. I'll invite you for dinner." She looked at him, suddenly shy. That is, if you want to come."

  "I'd like that ... provided it isn't quiche."

  After he had gone, Agatha paid Doris Simpson and told her she would be away the following week but gave her a spare key and got the head workman to instruct both of them in the mysterious working of the burglar alarms. Then she phoned up a small but expensive London hotel and booked herself in for a week. She was lucky they had just received a cancellation, and as it was, she had to reserve a double room.

  Then she began to pack. The evening brought little respite from the heat and a good deal of nuisance. The news that all the lights outside Agatha's cottage went on when anyone passed on the road quickly spread amongst the village children, who ran up and down with happy swooping screams like giant swallows until the local policeman turned up to drive them away.

  Agatha went along to the Red Lion. "We all need air-conditioning," she said to the landlord.

  "Happen you're right," he said, ' what's the point of the expense?

  Won't see another summer like this in England for years. Fact is, maybe we'll get a bad winter. Old Sam Sturret was just in here and he was saying how the winter's going to be mortal bad. We'll be snowed up for weeks, he says."

  "Don't the snow-ploughs come around?"

  "Not from the council, they don't, Mrs. Raisin m'dear. Us relies on the farmers with their tractors to try to keep the roads clear."

  Agatha was about to protest that considering what they paid in council tax, they ought to have proper gritting and salting lorries, not to mention council snow-ploughs, and was about to say she would get up a petition to hand in to the council when she remembered she would probably be living in London by the winter.

  One by one, the locals began to drift into the pub. The landlord told them all he had put out tables in the garden and so they moved out there and Agatha was asked to join them. One man had brought along an accordion and he began to play and soon more villagers
came in, drawn by the sound of the music, and then all began to sing along. Agatha was surprised, when the last orders were called, to realize she had been out in the pub garden all evening.

  As she walked home, she felt muddled. That very afternoon, the burning ambition she had lived with so long had returned in full force and she had felt her old self again. Now she began to wonder whether she wanted to be her old self again. Her old self didn't sit singing in pubs or, she thought as she saw Mrs. Bloxby outside her cottage door under the glare of the new security lights, get visits from the vicar's wife.

  "I heard you were leaving for London tomorrow," said Mrs. Bloxby, ' came to say goodbye."

  "Who told you?" asked Agatha, unlocking her front door.

  That nice young detective constable, Bill Wong."

  "He always seems to be about. Doesn't he have any work to do in Mircester?"

  "Oh, he often calls round the villages," said Mrs. Bloxby vaguely. "He also said something very distressing about you leaving us for good."

  "Yes, I plan to go back into business. I should never have retired so early."

  "Well, that's a great pity for Carsely. We planned to make more use of your organizing skills. You will be back by next Saturday afternoon?" "I doubt it," said Agatha, when they were both seated in the living-room. "Why next Saturday afternoon?"

  That's the day of the village band concert. Mrs. Mason is doing the cream teas. Quite an event."

  Agatha gave her a rather pitying smile, thinking that it was a sad life if all you had to look forward to was a concert by the village band.

  They talked for a little longer and then Mrs. Bloxby left. Agatha packed a suitcase, carefully putting the pot of strawberry jam in one corner. She lay awake for a long time with the bedroom windows wide open, hoping for a breath of air, but buoyed up by the thought of London and a return from the grave that was Carsely.

  Chapter Ten.

  London! And how it smelt! Awful, thought Agatha, sitting in the dining-room of Haynes Hotel. She lit a cigarette and stared bleakly out at the traffic grinding past through Mayfair.

  The man at the table behind her began to cough and choke and flap his newspaper angrily. Agatha looked at her burning cigarette and sighed.

  Then she raised a hand and summoned the waiter. "Remove that man from the table behind me," she said, ' find him somewhere else. He's annoying me."

  The waiter looked from the man's angry face to Agatha's pugnacious one and then bent over the man and said soothingly that there was a nice table in the corner away from the smoke. The man protested loudly.

  Agatha continued to smoke, ignoring the whole scene, until the angry man capitulated and was led away.

  Imagine living in London and complaining about cigarette smoke, marvelled Agatha. One had only to walk down the streets to inhale the equivalent of four packs of cigarettes.

  She finished her coffee and cigarette and went up to her room, already suffocatingly hot, and phoned Pedmans and asked for Roy.

  At last she was put through to him. "Aggie," he cried. "How are things in the Cotswolds?" "Hellish," said Agatha. "I need to talk to you. What about lunch?"

  "Lunch is booked. Dinner?"

  "Fine. I'm at Haynes. See you at seven thirty in the bar."

  She put down the phone and looked around. Muslin curtains fluttered at the window, effectively cutting off what oxygen was left in the air.

  She should have gone to the Hilton or somewhere American, where they had air-conditioning. Haynes was small and old-fashioned, like a country house trapped in the middle of Mayfair. The service was excellent. But it was a very English hotel and very English hotels never planned on a hot summer.

  She decided, for want of anything better to do, to go over to The Quicherie and see Mr. Economides. The traffic was congested as usual and there wasn't a taxi in sight, so she walked from Mayfair along through Knightsbridge to Sloane Street, down Sloane Street to Sloane Square, and so along the King's Road to the World's End.

  Mr. Economides gave her a guarded greeting, but Agatha had come to expect friendship and set herself to please in a way that was formerly foreign to her. The shop was quiet and relatively cool. It was the slack part of the day. Soon the lunch-time rush of customers would build up, buying coffee and sandwiches to take back to their offices.

  Agatha asked about Mr. Economides's wife and family and he began to relax perceptibly and then asked her to take a seat at one of the little marble-topped tables while he brought her a coffee.

  "I really should apologize for having brought all that trouble down on your head," said Agatha. "If I hadn't decided to cheat at that village competition by passing one of your delicious quiches off as my own, this would never have happened."

  At that moment, for some reason, the full shock of the attack on her by John Cartwright suddenly hit her and her eyes shone with tears.

  "Now, then, Mrs. Raisin," said Mr. Economides. "I'll tell you a little secret. I cheat, too."

  Agatha dabbed at her eyes. "You? How?"

  "You see, I have a sign up there saying "Baked on the Premises", but I often visit my cousin in Devon at the weekends. He has a delicatessen just like mine. Well, you see, sometimes if I'm going to be back late on a Sunday night after visiting him and I don't want to start baking early on Monday, I bring a big box of my cousin's quiches back with me if he has any left over. He does the same if he's visiting me, for his trade, unlike mine, is at the weekends with the tourists, while mine is during the week with the office people. So it was one of my cousin's quiches you bought." "Did you tell the police this?" asked Agatha.

  The Greek looked horrified. "I didn't want to put the police on to my cousin." He looked at Agatha solemnly.

  Agatha stared at him in bafflement and then the light dawned. "Is it the immigration police you're frightened of?"

  He nodded. "My cousin's daughter's france came on a visitor's visa and they married in the Greek Orthodox Church but haven't yet registered with the British authorities and he is working for his father-in-law without a work permit and so ... " He gave a massive shrug.

  Agatha did not know anything about work permits but she did know from her dealings with foreign models in the past that they were paranoid about being deported. "So it was just as well Mrs. Cummings-Browne didn't sue," she said.

  A shutter came down over his eyes. Two customers walked into the shop and he said a hurried goodbye before scuttling back behind the counter.

  Agatha finished her coffee and took a stroll around her old haunts. She had a light lunch at the Stock Pot and then decided an air-conditioned cinema would be the best way to pass the afternoon. A little voice in her head was telling her that if she was determined to move back to London, she should start looking for a flat to live in and business premises to work from, but she shrugged the voice away. There was time enough, and besides, it was too hot. She bought an Evening Standard and discovered that a cinema off Leicester Square was showing a rerun of Disney's Jungle Book. So she went there and enjoyed the film and came out with the pleasurable prospect of seeing Roy, feeling sure that he would galvanize her into starting her new business.

  It was hard, she thought, when she descended to the hotel bar at seven thirty, to get used to the new Roy. There he was with a conventional haircut and a sober business suit and an imitation of a Guards regimental tie.

  He hailed her affectionately. Agatha bought him a double gin and asked him how his nursery project was going and he said it was coming along nicely and that they had made him a junior executive and had given him a private office and a secretary because they were so impressed by his getting his photo in the Sunday Times. "Have another gin," said Agatha, wishing that Roy were still unhappy at Pedmans.

  He grinned. "You forget I've seen the old Aggie in action. Fill ' up with booze and then go in for the kill over coffee. Break the habit, Aggie. Hit me with whatever is on your mind before we get to dinner." "All right," said Agatha. She looked around. The bar was getting crowded. "Let's tak
e our drinks to that table over there."

  Once they were both settled, she leaned forward and looked at him intently. "I'll come straight out with it, Roy. I'm coming back to London. I'm going to set up in business again and I want you to be my partner."

  "Why? You're through with the mess. You've got that lovely cottage and that lovely village ... "

  "And I'm dying of boredom."

  "You haven't given it time, Aggie. You haven't settled in yet."

  "Well, if you're not interested," said Agatha sulkily.

  "Aggie, Pedmans is big, one of the biggest. You know that. I've got a great future in front of me. I'm taking it seriously now instead of camping about a few pop groups. I want to get out of pop groups. One of them hits the charts and then, two weeks later, no one wants to know. And you know why? The pop business has become all hype and no substance. No tunes. All thump, thump, thump for the discos. Sales are a fraction of what they used to be.

  And do you know why I want to stick with Pedmans? I'm on my way up and fast. And I plan to get what you've got a cottage in the Cotswolds.

  "Look, Aggie, no one wants to live in cities any more. The new generation is getting Americanized. Get up early enough in the morning and you don't need to live in London. Besides, I'm thinking of getting married."

  "Oh, pull the other one," said Agatha rudely. "I don't think you've ever taken a girl out in your life."

  That's all you know. The thing is that Mr. Wilson likes his execs to be married."

  "And who's the lucky girl?"

  "Haven't found her yet. But some nice quiet girl will do. There are lots around. Someone to cook the meals and iron the shirts." Really, thought Agatha crossly, under the exterior of every effeminate man beats the heart of a real chauvinist pig. He would find a young girl, meek, biddable, a bit common so as not to make him feel inferior.

  She would be expected to learn to host little dinner parties and not complain when her husband only came home at weekends. They would learn to play golf. Roy would gradually become plump and stuffy. She had seen it all happen before.

  "But as my partner, you could earn more," she said.