by T L Swan
My relieved eyes turn to focus on Joshua, and he smiles his first smile in two hours, squeezing my hand.
“The doctor is on his way and he will inspect you when he gets here.”
“Ok,” I murmur.
“Here is the buzzer.” She hands me a control thingy from above the bed. “If you need anything, just call me.”
We both smile. “Thank you.” She leaves the room.
Joshua and I sit for what seems like forever. Joshua is silent and pensive as he sits in the chair next to the bed.
I look around the room nervously. “This isn’t like the rooms we inspected, is it?”
“Hmm.” Joshua groans deep in thought.
“We don’t have a spa bath. I thought we were supposed to have a spa bath?”
“Hmm.” Joshua repeats, as he stands and starts to pace at the end of the bed.
“Do you think we will get in the spa?”
He doesn’t answer me, instead running his hands through his hair nervously.
“Are you listening to me?”
“Hmm.”
We hear a commotion down the hall and someone crying.
Joshua’s face falls and he goes pale.
“Wonder what’s going on down there?” I whisper. “Go and see.”
Joshua frowns. “What?”
“Open the door and see who is crying. I want to know if it’s a mother giving birth.”
“Oh, for fucks sake, I’m not doing that. Mind your own business!” he snaps in frustration.
We hear Nancy’s calm voice. “Come back into the room, dear, its ok.”
We hear more tears and a door slam.
I tap my foot on the bed impatiently as Joshua sits back in his chair. He rubs his index finger back and forth across his lips in his classic thinking pose. He is silently freaking out.
The room is quiet and still. “This is boring, isn’t it?” I mutter.
Joshua blows out a breath and rolls his eyes.
“Do you think I’m in labour?” I ask.
“Natasha” He sighs.
I smile cheekily. “Yes, my Lamborghini?”
“Why don’t you have a sleep? This is going to be a very long day if you don’t relax.”’
I screw up my face. “As if I could sleep.” I continue to tap my foot in excitement as I sit in my bed and look around.
He scratches the back of his head in frustration. I know he wants to snap at me and say ‘shut up, I’m thinking’ but he’s holding his tongue.
“Have you eaten?” he asks.
“No, I’m good.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Nope.”
“You will need your strength later.”
“I know,” I reply casually.
“Close your eyes and rest, Presh.” He rubs his hand on my thigh.
I smile mischievously. I’m going to play with him a bit. “Maybe we should have sex, Joshua. That would be cool, right? And it would take my mind off things?”
His face falls in horror. “Natasha. That is the absolute furthest thing from my mind, and you have just cemented what I always thought.”
I smile broadly. “And what did you always think?”
“You are a bona fide sex maniac.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Takes one to know one. I learnt from the best.”
Joshua closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. God, it’s so fun annoying him when he’s so stressed out.
After an extended time, Dr. Walton walks in with a nurse. “Hello, Joshua and Natasha.” He smiles calmly.
Joshua stands and shakes his hand. “Hello.”
“Hi,” I say through a smile.
He starts to read the printout from the monitor attached to my stomach. He smiles. “This is a bit earlier than we expected, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” I nod.
Joshua holds his breath. I’m expecting him to turn blue at any moment.
“I’m just going to examine you.” He pulls on a pair of gloves. “Pull your legs back, Natasha.”
He pulls my gown up around my waist.
Joshua cringes and drops his head, openly freaking out now.
“I’m alright, Joshua.” I smile as I hold my hand out for him.
He nods once. That was his shut up nod.
The doctor puts lube on his hand and goes in, feeling around, while both Joshua and I hold our breaths.
He smiles broadly and takes off his gloves. “Well, my dear, your water has broken.”
“Oh,” I mutter, I really did think it was a false alarm.
Joshua frowns. “Isn’t it too early? Can we stop it?”
“No, it will be ok. Once the amniotic fluid is lost, we need to go to the birth plan.”
I frown. Shit.
“The baby is relatively big, so I can’t see any problems with it at this stage. It’s actually more dangerous to delay.”
“Ok.” I nod.
“Now you have two options.” The Dr. continues.
“What?” Joshua asks too quickly.
“You haven’t had any contractions yet, have you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Well, we can either wait for you to go into labour naturally, which may take a while, seeing how you are this early.”
“How long is a while?” Joshua frowns.
He shrugs. “Hard to say, but you are not dilated at all, so I would assume up to twelve hours.”
Joshua’s face falls in horror. “Twelve hours before she even goes into labour?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the other option?” Joshua asks as his eyes flick to mine.
“We could put you on a drip and speed up the process.”
“Induce me?” I ask.
“Yes.”
My eyes hold Joshua’s, and the worry on his poor face makes my decision. I want this done. I want our baby in our arms.
“I would like to be induced, please, if you are sure that’s ok for the baby?”
“Yes, of course.” Dr. Walton smiles.
Joshua swallows the lump in his throat, he looks like he is going to throw up, and he’s telling me to calm down and relax?
Dr. Walton turns to the nurse. “Please transfer Natasha to a birthing suite and arrange an induction.”
“Yes, Doctor.” She smiles.
He turns back to me. “Now, Natasha, I know you have discussed with me your pain relief.”
“I don’t want any,” I reply.
Joshua closes his eyes.
“Induction is faster and stronger. I would suggest you don’t dismiss it completely. The anaesthetist is here and can perform an epidural.”
“No, thanks.” I force a smile. No fucker is putting a needle in my spine. I have heard the horror stories.
Joshua runs his hands nervously through his hair again.
Dr. Walton smiles warmly. “I am going home for a few hours and I will be back to check on you.”
“Ah, no!” Joshua snaps. “I want you here the whole time.”
The doctor smiles warmly. “Joshua, it’s fine. I live around the corner and it won’t be instantaneous. We have time and I will be here for most of the night. I have another patient also in labour down the hall.”
“What time will you be back?” Joshua snaps.
“I will be back at about eight for the rest of the night. You need to relax, this is a natural process and you being stressed won’t help anyone. Least not your wife.”
Joshua’s worried eyes flick to mine. I smile softly and hold my hand out for him. “It’s ok, baby,” I whisper.
He nods nervously. “Ok.”
The doctor leaves and the nurse smiles warmly. “We are going down to the birthing suite now. Do you have a bag with you?”
“My friend has it in the waiting room.”
She smiles. “Go and get your bag and come back to me at the desk and we will go into the birthing suite.”
I swallow my nerves. “Ok,” I whisper.
She leaves the
room and Joshua grabs me into an embrace so tight I can hardly breathe.
I whisper into the top of his head, “Relax.”
“I don’t like this,” he breathes.
“Joshua. Aren’t you supposed to be the strong one here?” I gently kiss him.
His worried eyes hold mine and I cup his cheek in my hand.
“We got this, baby,” I whisper.
“I don’t like this,” he repeats softly.
“I know you don’t but it is going to be ok.”
He nods and helps me down from the bed, and we make our way to the waiting room.
Cameron is pacing, Adrian is standing and Bridget is sitting. They all rush over to us.
“Oh my God,” Adrian splutters. “What’s going on?”
“I’m getting induced.”
“Fuck.” Bridget stammers as her face falls. ‘That shit is supposed to hurt.”
“Shut the hell up,” Joshua snaps.
Cameron slaps Joshua on the back. “Get ready for a ride, old boy. You are about to see vaginas in a whole new stretching light.”
Bridget and I giggle, and the blood drains from Joshua’s face.
“That’s not funny, Cameron,” Adrian spits. “You’re going to be fine, baby. You are the toughest chick I know.” He wraps his large arms around me and squeezes me tight.
I smile. “I know.” And it’s true. I feel damn invincible at this moment in time. Bring it. Bring it the fuck on and give me my baby.
Adrian passes me my overnight bag. “I packed you both some clothes, and I put in some clothes for the baby, too.”
I smile brightly. “Styling baby Stanton already?”
He throws me a wink. “Of course.”
Bridget cuddles me. “Oh, Tash. I love you. Everything will be fine. I am waiting out here just in case you need me,” she whispers into my hair.
I nod and feel a little bit bad that I didn’t want anyone but Joshua with me at the birth. This is such a precious moment, one I only want to share with him.
Cameron wraps his arms around me. “Pain management, chick. There are no medals for bravery.” He kisses me on the cheek and shakes Joshua’s hand.
I nod and fake a smile. “I just want to ring Mum quickly.” I dial Mum’s number.
“Hello, darling,” she answers, and for the first time today I feel teary. I really wanted her here.
“Hi, Mum. My water has broken and I’m being induced.”
“Oh, it’s going to be wonderful. Enjoy it.”
I nod and feel a little better.
“I love you, darling. Good luck and ring me as soon as you can. I will sit by the phone.”
“Ok.” I hesitate as my eyes tear up. “I love you.”
As if sensing my fear, she speaks again. “Tash, you’re going to be ok. Don’t be scared. Go and get your baby.”
I nod with renewed purpose. “Bye, Mum.” I hang up the phone and turn to the others.
“Let’s do this shit,” I state, and turn and walk back to reception with them all cheering me on from behind. I feel like Rocky Fucking Balboa.
We are steered down the corridor by the nurse who eventually opens a door at the end of the hall. Joshua and I walk in sheepishly; this is frigging scary. If these walls could talk, I’m sure they would have some gruesome stories.
She places four towels on the bed. “I’m sure you two would like to shower and make yourself more comfortable before we put you on the drip.”
My eyes find Joshua in his dirty polo get up and I smile.
“Thank you.”
He nods and seems to remember, for the first time, what he is wearing.
She leaves the room and I walk into the bathroom. “Oh, look! A spa bath.”
“You can forget it,” Joshua mumbles from the other room. “We are not getting in that spa bath.”
I smile. He’s so right, I can think of nothing worse than sitting in a bloody bath.
I shower, get into my gown, then into bed. Joshua showers and changes into new clothes and sits next to the bed, too, taking my hand. He’s quiet, too quiet.
The nurse comes in, places the cannula in the back of my hand and puts the medication into the drip. My heartbeat is pumping so damn hard, it will be a miracle if I don’t have a heart attack before the birth even begins. She hooks me back up to the heart rate monitor and we, once again, hear the magic of our baby’s heartbeat.
She eventually leaves, and Joshua blows out a relieved breath as he takes my hand and kisses the back of it.
“Now we wait,” he whispers.
I smile. “Are we sure about the names?” I ask.
His face falls. “Don’t you like them anymore?”
“Yes, it would help if it didn’t know so many people. It’s annoying.” I sigh.
Joshua bites his bottom lip to contain his smile. One of his prerequisites is that he doesn’t know anyone with the same name. Do you know how hard that is? He knows one of everything.
The door opens and a tall young man walks in. “Hello.” He shakes our hands. “I’m Jeremy Seymour. I’m the resident anaesthetist.”
“Hello.”
“I just wanted to go through an epidural with you.”
“No, I’m fine, thanks,” I reply. Bloody hell, they really do try and force this shit down your throat.
He smiles warmly. “That’s fine. I just want you to know that there is only a small window where you can have it, and once that has passed, it’s too late.”
I nod. “Thank you. I am really focused on doing this naturally.”
The doctor smiles warmly. “Of course. Good luck.”
The doctor leaves us in peace.
Josh takes my hand. “‘Tash, they all keep going on about this, maybe you should do it. Like Cam said, there is no bravery medal at the end.”
I smile. “Josh, I am stronger than you think.”
“I know,” he admits nervously.
“Trust me. I can do this.”
Seven hours later
“Ahhhhh, Get me a fucking epidural. Get it to me now!” I scream as I writhe around in pain on the bed. Joshua is wet with perspiration and has thrown up four times just from stress. This isn’t childbirth of natural free love and all that glow. This is an exorcism of The Devil, where he is ripping himself out of my body.
I shake my head at Joshua frantically. “No. No. Take me home, Josh. Take me home. Take me home. Take me home.”
“Baby,” Joshua whispers. “Calm down.”
“It is not oh fucking kaaaay!” I scream.
“Natasha.”
“I don’t want a baby anymore. I don’t want a baby anymore. You have it,” I whisper frantically. I’m wet with perspiration and the tears are running down my face. Holy fucking shit. This hurts. Like murdering death pain, hurts.
“I want an epidural. Get that guy back. Get him back.” I point to the door and start to panic as I feel another contraction coming.
I screw up my face and clench. “Ahhhh!” I cry as I curl up in a ball.
“This is ridiculous,” Joshua cries. “Get her an epidural now!”
“Too late, Joshua,” Dr. Walton tells him. “She’s nine centimetres dilated. Almost time to push.”
Joshua’s wide eyes meet mine. Oh dear God. I’m going to die. I am going to die today.
I start to shake my head. “No, no, no.”
Dr. Walton smiles calmly.
My frantic eyes meet Joshua’s again. “I can’t do this, Josh,” I sob. “This is too hard. I can’t do it. Knock me out, give me a C-section.”
Joshua’s eyes dart from mine to the doctor’s in panic.
“I want to go to the bathroom,” I announce.
Joshua raises his eyebrows in question and I nod. “Yes, I want to go.”
“No, Natasha, you have to stay in bed at this stage,” Dr. Walton replies. “If you need to go, we will get you a bed pan.” I scowl. Oh, this is horrible.
I’m beside myself. I don’t think I can do this. I’m crying unco
ntrollably.
Joshua looks to the doctor and nurse in the room. “Can you give us a moment alone, please?”
“Of course.”
I watch as they both leave the room.
Joshua bends and kisses my head.
“Presh, please don’t cry.”
“Josh,” I whisper. “I can’t do this.” The tears run freely down my face. “Please get them to C-section me.”
Joshua grabs my face. “You listen to me.” His voice is calm and assertive.
My scared eyes search his.
“If I could have this baby for us, you know that I would.”
The tears run down my face.
“You have got this, Natasha.”
I stare at him as my heart races and, for some reason, the past comes flashing through my mind. I see the handsome nineteen–year-old university student who loved me with all of his heart. Then I see the dominant man I met seven years later.
“You can do this,” whispers my controlled and devoted husband.
I drop my head. We have been through so much, so much pain to be together and yet here I am in the pinnacle of our relationship, and I am crumbling like a flake.
“I know you can do this. Be the brave woman I know that you are,” Joshua whispers. His eyes are full of fear, but more than that, I can see love. He loves me so much.
“Josh,” I whisper through my fear.
He puts his finger to my lip to quieten me. “Remember what we learned in birthing class.”
I nod.
He kisses me tenderly and his tongues sweeps through my open lips.
He pulls my hair back aggressively so that I have to look in his eyes and, like a miracle, the dominant gesture he usually saves for our bedroom instantly eases my panic.
“I love you,” he whispers and I smile through my tears. “Bring me our child.”
Goosebumps scatter over my skin and I nod.
“Without hesitation, without fear, give birth to our baby.”
I smile as my tears flow. He’s right, there is no easy way to do this. Nobody else can do this for us. It’s up to me and me alone.
I need to get myself together.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I know you can do this.” He kisses me again and I taste my salty tears on my lips.
“Don’t be scared,” he whispers.
“I’m not,” I assure him with renewed purpose. “I will.”
And as if the heavens have opened up, I now have clarity. I can see the end. I want our baby.
