Never Again, No More 3

by Untamed

  Chapter Thirty

  LaMeka

  “Hurry up,” my mom and sister yelled at me.

  “Okay, I am. I just . . . wow, I need a minute,” I said nervously.

  “Well, I don’t, and this boy is heavy.” My mom laughed as she held LaMichael in her arms.

  I took a deep breath and slid the key into the lock on the front door of my new house. We all walked in, and it was simply amazing. I barely remember my sister shutting the door as we all let out a sigh of awe. It was such a relief to see one of my lifetime dreams come to fruition, and this was even sweeter because it was truly mine, not mine and somebody else’s or mine and the loan company’s. I held the keys and the quick deed in my hands. This was LaMeka Roberts’ house.

  As the thought came over me, I turned into a bucket of water. I’d accomplished something. After all I’d been through, I’d actually accomplished something in my life that was worth something.

  “What’s wrong, sweetie?” My mom asked as she rubbed my back.

  “Yeah, Meka, is something wrong with the house?” Misha asked, grabbing my hand.

  I wiped my eyes and began to laugh. I mean, I laughed so hard that they began to laugh, until we were all doubled over in laughter.

  “What the hell is so funny?” Misha asked, laughing.

  “Hell if I know. I’m laughing at y’all,” my mom said as she wiped tears of laughter from her face.

  “I have no idea why I’m laughing, but I know that nothing is wrong. Everything is turning out just right. This is my house,” I yelled, jumping up and down like a big kid.

  Misha looked at my mom and hit her. “Who house?”

  “My house!” I screamed.

  “Who house?” Misha and my mom screamed together.

  “My house.”

  “Damn, is this the Mercedes-Benz Stadium?” Gavin asked as he came into my house.

  “Gavin? What are you doing here?”

  He nodded toward Misha and put his hands in his pockets. “A little birdie told me that you closed on your first home, so I thought I’d drop by to check it out and congratulate you, but I think I ended up at a Falcons game or something,” he joked, making all of us burst out into laughter.

  “I haven’t been in the neighborhood a day and I already got singing canaries.” I looked at my sister with a side eye.

  “Well, who is this handsome man? That’s my question,” my mom asked, making Gavin blush.

  “I’m sorry. Mom, this is Gavin Randall. He works at the hospital. Gavin, this is my mother,” I introduced.

  “He’s also the dude that Meka keeps running from,” Misha blurted as she began to roam the house with the boys.

  My mom turned to me. “Oh, so this is the young man?”

  “Mom, can you please go with Misha and check out the house? Thank you,” I said, not offering her an opportunity to say no.

  “It was nice to meet you, Gavin. Stop by often.”

  “Well, Mama Roberts, I will do that—if LaMeka allows me to, that is.”

  She waved her hand dismissively toward me. “She don’t mind. Trust me. And as long as you bring me some wine, I don’t either.”

  Gavin flashed her his million-dollar smile behind a chuckle. “I promise I got you next time. I’ve got that bottle of Moscato on ice just for you.”

  Glancing over at me, my mom gently tapped my arm. “Oooh, girl, I like him. He got a little color in him.”

  “Mama, please don’t start with him. He already thinks he’s Cablanasian,” I pleaded, shaking my head in amusement.

  “Gavin, it was nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand. “I’m going to explore the house with my other daughter, and I’ll be waiting on my Moscato.”

  “I’ve got you.” He laughed then turned to face me. “So, you’re a homeowner now. I had no idea you were in the market, but of course, how could I? I’m happy for you. Congratulations.”

  I folded my arms and smiled. “Thanks, Gavin.” Suddenly, there was an awkward silence between us. He stood there, rocking back and forth with his hands in his pockets, and I stood there with my arms folded, sliding glances between him and the floor nervously. What could I say to Gavin? Oh, by the way, I like you and all, but let me tell you everything going on in my life and how I’m considering getting back into a relationship with my babies’ father? Yeah, I didn’t see that going over too well. We’d kept it strictly professional at work, or rather he had. To be frank, besides hello and goodbye, Gavin only spoke to me about work-related issues. He’d even stopped calling me, but I knew for a fact that Misha was calling him and keeping him on ice, so to speak. How’d I know? Well, besides that same little birdie telling me that she was doing so, I had to admit that I’d actually reached out to Gavin once. I missed his companionship, friendship, and his sense of humor. Hell, I missed him.

  I was an introvert except with my family, my girls, and Tony. And Gavin was the only person outside of that circle to get me to open up. After Tony hit me with his request, I broke down and called Gavin, but he didn’t answer. I assumed it was because he no longer wanted to be bothered with me on a personal level, so I left him alone. Now, here he was, in the middle of my foyer, staring at me and me at him with so much to be said, yet so little being said.

  “LaMeka.”

  “Gavin.” We both started in unison before a nervous laugh passed between us.

  “You first,” I said.

  “Naw, ladies first,” he coaxed, rubbing his hands together and licking his lips.

  I nearly lost it. Every time I saw that man lick his damn lips, it sent chills down my spine. Why did he have to be so fucking fine? I was standing there, ready to give him the gospel, and he looked scrumptious as hell in black denim jeans, black Jordans, and a black-and-red Jordan T-shirt. To top it off, he smelled so damn good.

  Okay, Meka, just keep your composure, I thought.

  “I . . . uh . . . ooh,” I stammered, fanning myself as I took my gaze down to the floor instead of at him.

  Apparently sick of the bull, Gavin grabbed my hand and walked me down the hall. He gave me a questioning stare as if to ask which room, and I obliged him, nodding toward the room that was in fact going to be my bedroom. Once inside my bedroom, he shut the door, locked it, and we both sat on the carpeted floor.

  “What’s good, mama?” he asked, grabbing my hand and interlocking fingers with me. This time, I didn’t pull away. In fact, for the first time since I ran off to check on Tony, I let him to comfort me.

  I shook my head slowly from side to side as we both leaned against the wall. “There’s so much you don’t know, Gavin. So much.”

  He turned my face to look at him. “Then tell me. Meka, I’ve been trying like hell to tell myself that I don’t want you and that I don’t care about you, but on the real, my heart is beating real slow without you. I keep asking myself why, because it ain’t like we actually got involved in a real relationship, but I can’t tell my heart how to react. Something inside of me has clung to you, and you’ve got my heart and mind stuck on you. Then, it’s like we ain’t even how we used to be. Before we tried to explore our feelings, we were damn good friends, but now, we are just two people walking on eggshells around each other, and I don’t even know why. I’m trying. Hell, I wanna try. I wanna try this with you, but you’ve gotta tell me—something.”

  His eyes held such longing, like he was making a last-ditch plea for me to open up to him. Out of nowhere, tears started rolling from my eyes and down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop them.

  “Come here,” he said sweetly as he brought me to him and held me. “Let it out, baby. Let it all out on me.”

  I buried my face in his chest and held onto him tightly. I continued to cry until my tears subsided into little more than whimpers. “Thank you. I probably seem so weak to you right now. Hell, I don’t even really understand why I was crying.”

  He lifted my face. “The strongest person in the world has to be vulnerable sometimes, Meka. It’s just finding that p
lace and that person who you are comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I’m glad I could be that person to you. It shows me that I mean enough to you for you to let me see you like that. And I’m glad, too, because you’re the only female I’ve ever allowed myself to verbally express my feelings to, and that’s probably because you’re the only one who has managed to make me care enough to do that.”

  I didn’t know what the hell came over me, but I leaned in and kissed him. Then, I pulled back quickly. Caressing me in his arms, he gently brought me back to him and kissed me passionately. That damn white boy could kiss his ass off. The next thing I knew, I was on my back, with Gavin on top as he explored my protruding breasts and softly kissed the nape of my neck.

  “Umm, Gavin,” I moaned.

  “Yes, baby?” he whispered in my ear.

  In a flash, I heard Tony Jr. running, and I pushed Gavin up. “Oh, damn. I forgot we weren’t alone in this house.”

  “I got a house we can go to,” he offered, pulling out his keys.

  I pushed him playfully and laughed. “No. We need to talk.”

  “My bad. You’re right. Let me get myself together.”

  I grabbed him by his hands after we’d sat up again. “So, let me tell you about the woes of LaMeka. If you hear the whole story, then you can decide for yourself whether you want to be bothered with me. I owe you that much.”

  Brushing my cheek with his hand, he turned soft eyes on me. “Thank you for realizing that.”

  So, I told him the whole story. I began with how I met Tony in high school and how we began dating. I took him through my pregnancy with Tony Jr., Tony’s car accident, dropping out of high school, Tony Jr.’s autism, and living on the system. I continued on with my pregnancy with LaMichael, to Tony’s alcohol and drug abuse, then his verbal and physical abuse, and all the way through Tony’s cheating and my near-death experience. I also told him how I found out Misha’s and Tony’s HIV status, and that I was still HIV negative.

  The entire time, he listened attentively, caressing me at times and encouraging me to continue when I wanted to break down. It felt so good to talk to him in a much different way than speaking with my mom, my girls, or Pastor Gaines. I didn’t know what was so different, but for the first time, I really felt a release like I could put all my cares on him and trust that he could make me feel better.

  “So, that’s my whole story,” I said softly. “You can run now.”

  He stood up, then stood me up. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his arms. “Run where?” he asked and bent down and kissed me. “I’m here if you let me be.”

  “You’re not freaked out by all of this?” I asked cautiously.

  He smiled. “Misha has been feeding me tidbits here and there, and honestly, I figured out some things on my own, but I just wanted to hear it from you. That way, you could know that none of that shit matters to me. I still want you.”

  Wow. I was at a loss for words. It never dawned on me that Gavin may already know these things. Of course, I had no idea that my big-mouth sister had spilled some of the business to him, but I could expect that from her. She’d wanted me to be with Gavin ever since she first met him. She had a thing for white boys. Her ex-boyfriend Vince was biracial, and she’d actually hooked up with a nice guy of the Caucasian persuasion named Bryce from her HIV awareness seminars. He was also HIV positive, contracting the virus when he was a child from a blood transfusion after he was in a bad car accident. But anyway, I was more shocked that Gavin actually wanted to be with me and deal with all the drama that I had to take on day in and day out.

  “Are you sure? I mean, Tony Jr. is getting better, but having an autistic child isn’t like dealing with someone with a broken arm. You can’t patch him up, give him some painkillers, and send him on his way. This is everyday life for me. My sister, who has HIV, is everyday life for me. Dealing with Tony, who is my kids’ father, is everyday life for me. How can you honestly say that you want to deal with this every day?” I asked him as I stood back with my arms folded.

  Reclaiming my hands in his, he stared in my eyes. “I can’t argue with you, because you have a valid point. But, Meka, I understand the things you’re going through. Part of the reason I understand is because I am in the medical field. I may not be used to it, and I ain’t gon’ lie, it will take adjusting, but can’t you let me decide if I want to try? I totally get that you can’t date openly and freely because of the sensitivity of all the issues surrounding your life, and I know that with Tony Jr.’s autism you can’t have people in and out of his life. I’m not trying to hit it and quit it. I’m saying to you that I like you. I really, really like you, and I care about you, and I want the opportunity to see where this friendship could take us outside of just friendship.”

  He was right. I had pretty much decided that no one was going to deal with me because of all the factors in my life, so I’d given up on allowing anyone to try. When it came down to it, I didn’t want to be hurt. I’d been through hell and back with Tony, and I refused to go back down that road or any road like it. Love was something I desperately wanted, but it was also the same thing I was deathly afraid of. The question that remained was, should I try for that love with Gavin or rekindle it with Tony?

  “What’s on your mind?” Gavin asked as I shook my head of my thoughts as I walked into my master bathroom.

  Sitting down on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, I patted it for him to sit beside me. “I just wanted to tell you something. Something that I wanted to be sure was a bit more private.”

  Being the ever jokester that he was he said, “Damn. I thought you was about to invite me in the tub with you. I wasn’t gonna turn that shit down either.”

  “You are so freaking stupid, Gavin,” I said, laughing and playfully nudging him. “I was just giving us a place to sit since I don’t have any furniture yet.”

  “I know. I’m just messing with you, Meka. What’s on your mind? I’m open to answer any questions you may have.”

  I put my hand on his thigh. “No, you’ve answered enough for a while. It’s just that I have to tell you that my kids’ father asked me to consider being back in a relationship with him. He wants us to try to work things out as a couple and raise our family together.”

  He didn’t readily respond. It was as if he were taking a moment to consider his next words. “So,” he said with a deep exhale. “What did you tell him?”

  “Honestly, nothing. He wanted me to think on it.”

  “So, did you think about it?”

  “It’s all I can think about these days.”

  “What did you decide?”

  “I don’t know. I want to be completely honest with you, Gavin. A part of me will always have love for Tony because of who he was to me and who he will always be to my sons. Then, the other part of me—the side that remembers those last few years of hell—wants to run like hell.”

  He looked at me curiously. “I hate to ask the obvious, but is he asking you to put your health at risk to be in a relationship with him? I mean, HIV or not, he is still gonna have those urges. If you’re together, you run the risk of exposing yourself to the virus.”

  Nervous energy caused me to bite my lip before I confirmed his question. “That’s exactly what he’s asking. Well, he wants us to be well protected to reduce the risk, but he’s still asking to be in a relationship with me—sex included.”

  Gavin’s head fell forward, but he turned a side glance to me. “Are you serious?”

  “Very serious.”

  “And you’re still thinking about this?” he asked, looking at me as if I were crazy. “Shit, Meka, hands down your answer should’ve been no. Hell, not even just no, but hell no.”

  “You’re just saying that because you want me.”

  Gavin was on his feet, glaring at me, his evident anger searing out. “This ain’t about me,” he said boldly. “It’s about you. It’s about what you want. Hell, more importantly, it’s about what you need and don’t need in your
life. Are you kidding me right now? Okay, of course I want you, and I want you to want me too, but damn that. You have a life, LaMeka. God blessed you with a second chance to start anew. And what about the boys? Who’s gonna look after them and raise them if you both have the virus and pass from it? Why in the hell would you fuck up your life and the boys’ lives for Tony? What has he sacrificed for you?

  “Sometimes the best thing a person can do for another one is to let them go. That’s how he can show that he’s matured and that he cares. It’d be different if he contracted the virus from a blood transfusion or through birth, but this dirty bastard was out there on drugs and screwing any and everybody without protection, and now that he’s been spared, he wants to drag you back down the rabbit hole with him because of his mistakes? Hell no. Fuck that. He’s wrong, LaMeka, and you ain’t doing a damn thing but giving God your ass to kiss if you agree to this damn foolishness.”

  Talk about getting hit with real talk. I hadn’t even thought about what he was saying because I only saw it as a way to mend our family and get Tony back to the man he needed to be. However, Gavin was right. What had Tony sacrificed, and who was to say that he would keep his promise to change? Who was to say that I wouldn’t catch the virus if I agreed to this relationship? For a hundred reasons why I should consider being with Tony, there seemed to be a thousand more why I shouldn’t.

  Kneeling in front of me, Gavin kissed my hands. “Meka, you are worth so much more than what you’re giving yourself credit for. I know you feel obligated because that’s the God in you. You’re a real woman, a ride or die, and I admire that about you, but sweetheart, you have to live your life for you—not me, and damn sure not Tony. If he truly loves you, he’ll understand that you have to find your own happiness and that you still have a purpose and destiny to fulfill for yourself and the boys. I’m just asking you to step out on faith and do what’s truly in your heart to do.”

  With that statement, my entire perspective changed, not just about myself, but about my feelings for Gavin, and my heart literally sang. Yeah, I know it sounds like the old cliché, but I swore I heard bells, whistles, explosions, and applause. I couldn’t even deny that if there was anybody I should be giving my time, energy, efforts, and possibly heart and love to, it was Gavin. He wasn’t even my man yet, but he made me better. Gavin felt like that missing piece I’d been waiting for.