The Lord’s Secret (The Regency Renegades - Beauty and Titles) (A Regency Romance Story)
Page 4
“It's not really performing,” he said. “But I imagine it's as close as I'm going to get. And whoever thought we were going to do it together.”
“I---” she was about to say something, but then Gwendolyn shifted and she gritted her teeth. “Sorry, she's getting heavy.”
“I can---” Aaron reached out his arms, indicating that he wanted to hold her. For one moment, something passed between them. He realized that he wasn't just offering to help Shauna; he was offering to hold his own daughter.
Shauna passed the warm little body over, and Aaron held her close.
Gwendolyn was his mirror image, from the blond curls to the long lashes and the solid build. She was even instantly comfortable with him; as if she had known him all her life.
“Shauna,” Aaron said. “I've missed so much.”
“I know,” she said softly, watching the two of them. She’d never thought that her heart would swell like it did. She had been angry with him for so many years; and yet she had also longed for this moment. She loved him more seeing him hold his daughter. “But we have these next few weeks, at least. These next few weeks that will have to serve us a lifetime.”
“That won't be enough,” he said as a carriage pulled up. “Not when there's a child involved. It changes things. I can't be out of her life forever, not now that I've seen her eyes.”
“What do you suggest?” Shauna raised an eyebrow. “Because the answer isn't as easy as your heart is telling you.”
“You've been struggling,” he said. “I could send you money, at least. Money is of no consequence to me, you know that. If you have a Lord's daughter, you should at least live like she is one, even if you must keep it a secret.”
“And what do I tell people?” Shauna asked. “When we go back to our poor little village and Gwendolyn suddenly has beautiful clothes.”
“Tell her the father is noble,” he replied softly. “And that he died, but you were married. I will give you a ring; I will give you anything to authenticate the story. You should not have to hide in the shadows with her.”
“And what if she asks?” Shauna said. “Do I tell her the same story?”
“I don't know.” There was no one to teach him how to do this; no manual on running a household and having his heart in a place it couldn't be. “At least we have these few weeks. And maybe someday...maybe you'll find someone who can care for you, who can be strong for you.”
“You could be those things,” she replied. “If it weren't for society dictating rules.”
He smiled weakly.
“I'm not sure I could be those things even if the rules were different,” he answered. “Did Lola tell you I've been on sick leave? This is wonderful, for I'll be close to home, but I don't know what my chances are of returning when the ship sails in the spring. No one deserves a husband like that, Shauna, and I won't have you say otherwise.”
She sighed, closing her eyes as the carriage bumped along. No one deserved anything that they got in life. Nevertheless, he was what she wanted; and she had always known that.
CHAPTER FIVE
MEMORIES
MEMORIES
That night, after dinner, sitting by the roaring fire, Aaron couldn't help but watch Shauna. Gwendolyn was already in bed, long before the formal dinner was served, and Shauna was more relaxed than during the day. She had sat on the beautiful mahogany chairs of Bamber Manor before, her skirts flowing over carpet, and her long hair catching the fire light like a halo. She was so beautiful, so strong and yet so feminine; and he always had a hard time tearing his eyes away from her. The fact that she was sitting here now, after years of him imagining this very moment, had his heart ablaze.
He was trying to act casual, as they weren't the only ones in the room, but he was sure someone had noticed the fact that he was fixated upon her face.
“What are your assignments?” Lola asked as she sat down opposite both of them with a cup of tea. “Everyone tell me, and I'll give out tips.”
“For free?” Aaron raised an eyebrow, trying to smile. “My, Miss Lola, you are generous these days.”
“Years of acting experience, at your disposal,” she said as her fiancé joined her. “Wesley? What part are you assigned?”
“They are really testing my ability to recall historical battles,” Wesley replied. “They've already planned which ones they want to play out, but the fine details of command are going to be up to me to reconstruct, mostly on the fly.”
Lola pouted.
“So we don't get to play make believe in the camp?”
“Lola,” he smiled as he sipped his tea. “One actor in this situation is enough for us, I think.”
Aaron saw something flash over Lola's face, and he tabled it to ask her about later. She smiled, turning to Harold. “And you, Harold?”
“I will be on the ships, almost full time,” he replied. “So you'll have to make do with Matheson and Corrigan in the camps.”
“Aye, I think we're your guard,” Matheson said, handing over their assignment papers. “Your highness.”
“You are!” Lola's eyes sparkled. “That is so exciting. And Aaron, of course, you'll be there.”
“Apparently, they won't even put me on a fake ship,” he said. “So yes, I'll be occupying the camps with you, working through the maneuvers, and just...living.”
“I wonder if I get a torrid affair,” Lola said. “That happens all the time in the camps, doesn't it?”
“I hope not,” Wesley said, and her head whipped toward him.
“What?”
He cleared his throat. “I said I hope not. I don't want to wander off the ship and see you locked in another man's embrace.”
Her eyes widened. “Sorry, but how is it different from being on stage?”
“Because these are my mates?” he replied. “And none of them are professionally trained actors who know that your on-stage love means nothing.”
“Well, I know that,” Lola said, regarding him in shock. This was the first time he had said anything negative about the career she was in. “I'm sure it will be fine.”
“Will you be a camp follower for me?” Aaron turned to Shauna. “With Gwendolyn?”
“I could be,” Shauna said, and he could see the sparkle in her eyes at the thought. It was an odd game to play; to pretend something in public that they couldn't admit otherwise. “Gwendolyn is a born performer.”
“Hopefully, there are no more protesters,” Harold interjected. “The notice I got from head office is that he is officially being charged.”
“For protesting?” Aaron replied. Although it was a misdemeanor, it wasn't usually a charge.
“For treason,” Harold said. “Shooting at the King's Officers.”
“Did intelligence discover whether he was part of a larger plot?” Wesley asked and Harold shrugged.
“Not that I'm aware of,” Harold said and stood.
Annabelle hadn't joined them, and Lola imagined that he wanted to spend some time with her, as she was the only one not working in the camp. Lola stood up as well, her body finally catching up with her mind.
“We should all consider getting some sleep. Our report times are the same for tomorrow, Aaron?” Harold said.
“I'm not under your command for a little bit longer,” Aaron teased Harold, who rolled his eyes.
Lola bid everyone goodnight, taking Wesley by the hand. Her face was serene, until they rounded the corner into the hallway their rooms were in. “What was that?” she asked, as soon as they were alone.
“What?” he asked, confused.
“In the grand room. Your words made it sound as if you resent my career. I thought that was the agreement between us, Wesley. I'm an actress to my core, and you are a military man. I will never be a housewife, and you don't have it in your heart to be an Earl. We have discussed these things.”
“One day, Lola, we both might get tired of seeing the world and not having a home.” He was trying to be calm and kind about the conversation “And I
was merely pointing out that my friends aren't as professional as the stage actors you are used to.”
“Do you trust me?” she asked.
“Of course I do,” he replied.
“Then let it be,” she said softly and took his hand. “All will be well, I assure you.”
Their voices echoed down the hallway, and Aaron glanced up from his spot on the living room couch. Shauna came to sit beside him, taking advantage of the heat of the fire.
“Do they normally fight like this?” she asked, and he shook his head.
“There is no normal for the two of them,” Aaron said. “This is the first time they've been together since their initial meeting a few months ago. But he is right; unless one of them drastically changes, there won't be a normal. A house, some children, luxury. Neither of them is heading down that path.”
“You once condemned that very thing,” she reminded him. “Do you remember?”
“When I told you that we didn't need money? We didn't need anyone else, but ourselves? I did say that, didn't I?”
They gazed at each other without touching, their eyes locked. He felt his heart hammer in his chest. They were both older, their eyes a bit more lined; their bodies not quite as young and full of energy.
“You did say that,” Shauna said, and he reached out to touch her face.
“Shauna, I'm so sorry,” he said, and leaned in to kiss her.
Their kiss was tentative, forbidden, and gentle. He put his hands on both sides of her face, pulling her in. She felt exactly as he remembered, soft and warm, as she leaned into him.
“Don't,” she pulled back after a few moments. “Don't,” she stood up. “I spent so long imagining being back here...being with you...seeing you play with Gwendolyn....”
“I can do those things,” he said, standing up as well. “This is different than when we last parted, Shauna. There's a child involved now, my child, my daughter.”
“Would you be kissing me if she didn't exist?” Shauna asked. “Would you be reaching out for my hand if Gwendolyn was not your daughter?”
“But she obviously is,” Aaron said. “There's no doubt that she is.”
“I'd rather you didn't go telling everyone that,” Shauna said, surprising him. “Your friends know, that much is clear. But no one else. And I'd rather Gwendolyn not know.”
“What, why?” His brow furrowed.
“Because as a Lord, having a bastard child is of no consequence,” she said. “But for Gwendolyn, for everyone to know, it will ruin who she is. And for me, it will ruin who I am. But more than that, my Lord...I don't want her put into a box, thinking of things that she could have had. I want her to be content with the simple life we have.”
He sighed, burying his head in his head. “I wish there was another way, Shauna,” he said.
“But there isn't.” She had tears running down her cheeks, and she wiped them away frantically. “So let's enjoy the few weeks that we have; and not think about the future.”
“But we could---”
“You're a dreamer,” she said. “And that's what I have always loved about you. We have tried to make it work. Are you prepared to give up your title? Because you know that you can't marry a peasant.”
“I---” He knew this was a bigger issue than what they could discuss at the time. He felt like his heart was dropping into his knees.
“I'll take my leave, I think,” Shauna said. “It is getting late. Goodnight, my Lord.”
She had never called him my Lord before, except when they had just met. After that, she had always referred to him by his Christian name because they were so familiar to each other. Now, it was like they were strangers.
“Goodnight,” he said, half broken hearted. He was about to go to bed himself, thinking that nothing good could come of staying awake. However, just as he was about to blow out the candles, a knock came at the door.
“Who’s that at this hour?” he asked himself in confusion, going to pull open the door. Normally, the butler would answer the door, but even he had gone to bed.
To his surprise, there was a military man at the door, holding out a package of letters.
“Is Lt. Harper staying here?” the man asked. “I have a notice for him, from head office.”
“He is,” Aaron said, holding out his hand. He noticed as he took it that his hand was shaking. Quickly, he pulled in the envelope. “Thank you, sir.”
“Thank you,” the man said, and turned and left.
Only when the door was closed did Aaron look down at his hands. “Damn,” he said, clenching his hands in a fist. The fact that they were shaking again was a telltale sign that he might have a fit. It had been weeks since he had his last one, and he thought he was getting better.
He had been swept up in the romance of the memory of Shauna, but the evidence that it wouldn't work was right in his face. He wasn't the person that Shauna deserved. He’d had fits all his life, and they had been getting worse as the years progressed. He had been able to hide them from most people, but his closest friends were always on alert for the signs. When he had been grounded last season, he was so sick that he didn't remember half of it. If something happened to him, there would be no one to provide for Shauna. He hated the class system, and he admired those who bucked it. Wesley had run from his title, and there was no one left alive to judge him, to tell him the rules. Besides, Lola was a famous and rich enough actress that she was almost on his level. Wesley had done what he wanted to, and succeeded.
Aaron couldn't run from his title, his responsibilities to this town, his family legacy. Peasants had to deal with burdens of society; but nobles had the burdens of the heart. They were not entitled to love who they wanted, even if they knew that there would be no one else.
He put the letter on the table and headed up the stairs, only slipping once before he made it to his room. Perhaps Shauna was right. For now, the best thing was to just enjoy the next few weeks.
CHAPTER SIX
FIRST DAY
FIRST DAY
“Aaron!”
“What?” Aaron sat up suddenly, his head pounding and his vision suddenly blurred. He felt like he had spent a night knocking back whisky, and now he was paying the price.
Harold was standing in the doorway, fully dressed and looking rushed. “Our report time is in half an hour. Everyone has eaten and dressed.”
Aaron swore, reaching a hand to his head.
“Are you alright?” Harold asked, suddenly concerned. “You look like hell, Aaron.”
“I'm alright,” Aaron said, waving his hand as he tried to smile. “A late night, is all. How was your night?” He was trying to act natural, throwing off the covers. He remembered waking up after the fit, not three hours ago, his body aching from the blackout moments he’d had. He hadn't had one in so long, and he was worried that someone had overheard. He wanted to be fine, because if he wasn't, he would miss out on the time he had with Shauna. If they declared him unfit for duty; he couldn't even set foot in the camp.
“It was fine.” Harold looked him up and down. “Are you sure you're alright? I've never known you to sleep in.”
“I'm alright,” he replied. “There's a package for you on the table; it arrived late last night from Headquarters.”
That got Harold's attention, and he left Aaron alone. Aaron hurriedly set himself to finding the pieces of his uniform that he had thrown on the ground. He was never good at keeping things clean. On the ship, things were usually littered around his sea chest rather than in it, which drove his ward-room mates crazy.
As Harold had said, everyone was already downstairs and waiting, having eaten almost an hour ago.
“Excuse me, sir,” Gwendolyn said, when he came in. “Can we take the white horses again?”
“The white horses?” he said, confused for a moment. Then he remembered that the rented carriage they had taken yesterday had sported white horses. “Weren't you asleep?” He crouched down to her level. “Hmm? Were you faking sleep?”
“What about the house?” he asked. “Do you like this house?”
She nodded, her eyes wide. “Yes, it's like being a princess,” she said. Aaron saw Shauna's look as she got Gwendolyn's coat and straightened up.
“Well, you're not a princess,” Shauna said to her sharply as she helped her into her coat. “You have to remember that.”
“But Mother, you said we were pretending today,” Gwendolyn replied.
“Pretending, yes. But someone else is the princess,” Shauna answered. “Always remember that it's not you.”
“Shauna...” Aaron said, and she cast her gaze upon him. She was about to say something, but then her eyes flickered to his hairline.
“You're hurt,” she said, and he reached a hand up to his head, surprised to find dry matted blood.
“I must have...” He paused, trying to think of a plausible excuse. “Bumped into the wall. It was dark last night, and I had quite a bit to drink.”
“No, you didn't,” Shauna said, but he shrugged.
“It's a skill sailors have,” he said. “To be able to hold their liquor without anyone having any idea. Everything is fine, Shauna, don't worry.”
She said nothing, unsure of whether to believe him as she got Gwendolyn out the door. As Aaron stood in the hallway, fumbling with the buttons of his coat, Lola spoke up. They were the only two left, slow moving despite their usual energy. “Well, it's no wonder you had a fit last night if you suddenly decided to drink,” Lola said quietly. “Seeing as you haven't had a drink since the doctor determined it could cause a fit in the late summer.”
Aaron sighed. “How do you know?” he asked. “How do you always know?”