Hair in All The Wrong Places

by Andrew Buckley

  Got Change?

  Sneaking across the hall so as not to disturb his grandmother, Colin crept into the bathroom, carefully closing the door and locking it. After unsuccessfully trying to recall the events of the previous night, Colin decided a shower was the best course of action. He felt grubby, for lack of a better word. He looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Still the same loser as yesterday and the day before and the day before that. His reflection looked back at him, still in agreement.

  Colin removed his underwear, which apparently was the only thing he had slept in, and turned on the hot water. Stepping into the shower and closing his eyes, Colin let the water pour over his face and body. He fumbled for the soap on its usual ledge and turning around, opened his eyes, coming face to face with a giant wolf-man. It was standing in his shower looking down at him. Colin didn’t scream or shriek; he just slipped easily into a blind panic, dropping the soap, and tried to scramble out of the shower, slipped on the soap he had dropped, and fell backward toward the creature. He made a grab for the shower curtain, missed, and collapsed into the bathtub again. He’d expected to fall into the creature, but it was gone as if it had never been there in the first place. Colin scrambled up, flinging the curtain open to see if the creature was in the bathroom.

  It wasn’t.

  But his grandmother was.

  She stood in the open doorway, ninety pounds of bitter old woman with bright pink rollers in her hair and wearing an ancient looking nightgown. Her blind eyes stared in Colin’s direction who unnecessarily covered his private areas with his hands, looking sheepish.

  “Uh, Grandma, I … ”

  “You’re making a lot of noise!” barked his grandmother.

  “I’m sorry. It was just—”

  “How am I supposed to get my beauty sleep with you in here treating my bathtub like it’s a playground?”

  “I … I slipped.”

  “Frightened me half to death banging around like that!” His grandmother stepped out and slammed the door. “And lock the door when you use the bathroom!” she called from behind the door.

  I did lock the door. Didn’t I?

  Colin tried to recall, but his memory was playing tricks on him. He closed the curtain and quickly washed. Shutting off the water, he opened the curtain and then closed it again. Something had caught his eye. There was a rip in the shower curtain, four rips to be exact. Four perfect gashes that sliced diagonally across the curtain.

  Creepy.

  Colin’s brain was a logical one, not really all that creative unless you count some marginally impressive finger paintings he’d done in the third grade. The sketchy memory from the previous night, the giant creature he hallucinated in his shower, the gash in the shower curtain, the locked bathroom door. None of it made any sense, and that troubled Colin. It troubled him while he dried off, it troubled him when he got dressed, and it troubled him as he walked down the stairs.

  His grandmother had already taken her place in front of the TV, so Colin ducked into the small kitchen and made himself a bowl of cereal. Still hungry, he ate two cartons of yogurt and drank the remainder of the milk. After the milk, he made some toast and piled it with peanut butter.

  I’m so hungry! What is wrong with me?

  Once he had consumed the toast, he started searching the pantry and for the lack of anything better, ended up eating an entire package of beef jerky. He was happily tearing through the dried meat when he was suddenly very aware of the time.

  School!

  Colin raced down the hallway and out the front door before his grandmother had a chance to bark at him for being late/dressing strange/being an idiot. The sky was overcast as usual, and parts of Elkwood were shrouded in fog. Colin ran for the bus stop but arrived just in time to see the retreating taillights of the school bus. Another day of being late. Maybe even another detention.

  Great. No memory, hallucinations, and the appetite of a bear after hibernation. How can this day get any worse?

  And then it started raining.

  Colin arrived onto school grounds as the bell rang to indicate the beginning of class, his heart sank as he rounded the corner of the main building and came face to face with Principal Hebert.

  “Well hello, Mr. Strauss. First you skip out on checking in after detention yesterday and now you’re late once again. I have the distinct feeling of deja vu. Might you be sharing the same feeling this morning?” said Principal Hebert.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Hebert. I—”

  “Miss the bus again, did we?”

  “Well, yes, but well, you see—”

  “Oh, there’s more?” said Principal Hebert. “Come on, Mr. Strauss. Enlighten me.”

  Colin stared at Principal Hebert. Principal Hebert stared back. People were always trying to push Colin into doing things he didn’t want to. He hated that feeling. Maybe it was the disorientation, the food, maybe even the weather was finally getting to him but he decided to do something about it.

  “Last night I tried to run away, met a floating man in a back alley, and then blacked out and ended up back in my bed. This morning when I woke up, I found a giant wolf-man in my shower and then I ate half the contents of my kitchen. And that, Mr. Hebert, is why I’m late.”

  Colin’s chest hurt, his pulse was racing, and he felt like he was going to have a heart attack.

  Principal Hebert raised an eyebrow. “That’s much more interesting than you missing the bus, Mr. Strauss. Try and make it on time in future.”

  Colin slowly sidestepped around the large, scary authoritarian and ran up the rest of the steps into the building.

  Once inside, he leaned against a wall. His heart was trying to pound out of his chest, and he had a splitting headache. At a water fountain, Colin threw some water on his face, trying to collect himself.

  He knocked lightly on the door to the biology classroom and pushed open the door.

  “Mr. Strauss!” barked Mr. Winter.

  Colin actually jumped. He’d been expecting Mrs. Davenport again, but it looked like Mr. Winter was feeling better.

  “Take a seat quickly please. We have a lot to cover, and I’m in no mood for your tardiness today.”

  Colin slouched his way to the empty stool next to Jeremy who was looking his usual spritely self.

  Leaning over, Jeremy asked in a whisper, “Detention again?”

  Colin shook his head. “Let me off with a warning.”

  “Today we’re going to study the brain,” said Mr. Winter. “Although most of you seem to be missing yours, there’s no reason not to study it in case you happen to come across one. While I fully expect the majority of you to fail the inevitable test that will follow our line of study today, I do encourage you all to try your hardest despite the fact you’re all idiots.”

  This was new. Mr. Winter was cruel and callous often alluding to insults and playing on the edge of being rude. But this was much too straightforward, even for him.

  Maybe he’s still not feeling well.

  “Turn to page thirty-four in your textbooks and start reading.” Mr. Winter sat down at his desk and closed his eyes.

  Colin looked to Jeremy for an answer, but his friend just shrugged.

  The rest of the class started reaching for their textbooks, so Colin did the same. His head felt like it was trying to split in half. It felt like his brain was humming, a sort of buzzing or static sound.

  “You okay, Colin?” said Jeremy. “You look a little pale.”

  The entire class was beginning to notice him.

  Colin stared at Jeremy who was still talking, but Colin couldn’t hear him over the static in his head. He looked back at the rest of the class. All the usual suspects were present. Tori was seductively tracing her pen along her jaw line while she read.

  That buzzing!

  Gareth Dugan was in his usual spot along with Kevin Hadfield, but henchman number two, Sam Bale, was absent today.

  There was Becca, looking gorgeous like always. Her eyeliner was espec
ially dark today. Either that or she was just really tired.

  The goth twins, Micah and Nathaniel, were sitting together in the back, staring at Colin. That was weird in itself, but what really tipped the scales was that they both looked incredibly worried. Or angry. He couldn’t tell.

  Colin lurched unnaturally as he lost control of his body and almost fell off his stool. Jeremy was shaking him. The buzzing in his head was numbing, he could barely hear anything, and the splitting pain in his head almost blinded him. He wiped a hand across his face and it came away wet. He was sweating. Not just sweating, he was practically leaking.

  Finally, a bit of popularity.

  Colin smiled drunkenly and fell off his stool but quickly scrambled to his feet.

  “What on earth is going on, Mr. Strauss?” snapped Mr. Winter.

  Colin staggered toward the door using the tables as support and muttered something about the bathroom. He crashed out of the door and collapsed in the hallway as Mr. Winter started to shout something but was cut off as the door swung shut.

  The floor felt cool on his face, but he scrambled to his feet and made his way down the hallway toward the bathroom. He couldn’t seem to get his arms and legs to work properly.

  Managing to turn on a tap, he splashed water on his already damp face.

  As he looked up into the mirror, Colin was astonished to see the wolf creature from his morning shower standing right behind him, snarling. Colin spun around to face an empty bathroom, and he started to laugh. It sounded somewhat maniacal; the sort of laughter you might hear in a mental institution. Unexpectedly, the buzzing stopped, the blinding pain subsided, and he regained full control of his gangly limbs once again.

  He looked at his reflection. Same Colin. He was double-checking the bathroom to make sure there was no large, hairy, scary-looking creature lurking in any of the stalls when Jeremy burst in. “Jeremy! You scared me!”

  “Are you okay? Winter sent me to check on you, but you look more like yourself now. What happened back there? And was that you laughing before I came in here?”

  Colin shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. I couldn’t hear. There was this buzzing sound. I think I might be going crazy, Jer.”

  “You were growling in class.”

  “Growling?”

  “Yeah, like a dog. Did you get contacts?” said Jeremy.

  “What? No, I …”

  Colin felt his face for his glasses.

  I forgot my glasses?

  “I thought you were blind without those things?”

  “I … geez, Jer. I have no idea what’s going on with me. There was this whole thing last night with a car and then Becca was there, and I keep seeing this—”

  “What? What are you seeing?” suddenly Jeremy got excited. “Are you hallucinating? Because that would be awesome.”

  Colin just looked at Jeremy, but despite the joke, he could see his friend’s worry. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

  “You sure? Do you want me to take you to the nurse?”

  “No, I’m feeling much better.” Colin hurriedly assured his friend. “Maybe I’m getting the flu or something.” The Elkwood School nurse was a monster of a woman called Mrs. Turnbull who had never heard the term bedside manner. She also didn’t like to be interrupted, ever. Only the truly sick students of Elkwood ever went to Mrs. Turnbull’s office.

  “And the glasses?”

  “I’ve been eating a lot of vitamin A lately?”

  Jeremy gave him one of those slow blinking low stares that clearly said you’re kidding, right?

  Mr. Winter burst into the bathroom, slamming the door hard against the wall. “Back to class, Mr. Rodson!”

  “Yes, sir,” said Jeremy, making a quick exit.

  Mr. Winter waited until the door was closed and then grabbed Colin by the shirtfront, pushing him hard up against the wall. “Just what do you think you’re doing disrupting my class? Do you know how important biology is? It’s everywhere! It’s in me, it’s in you, it’s all over the place, and no one really understands it, so that’s why we have to study it! Do you understand me, boy?”

  Colin was too shocked to speak. A teacher was attacking him! Mr. Winter’s eyes looked different. Like he was on drugs or something. The muscles in his face were tense and strained.

  Colin nodded.

  “Now get your ugly, useless, self back to class and read the chapter! Idiot!” Mr. Winter released Colin and stormed out of the bathroom muttering. “They’re all idiots, ignorant idiots, all of them.”

  This day cannot get any worse. Or weirder.

  After lunch and third period French, Colin’s day did somehow manage to get much worse and a lot weirder. Jeremy had opted for Spanish as his foreign language, so Colin normally sat alone in French class. For today, Madame Frontier suggested they take part in group conversations, quickly splitting the class into three small groups of five students each. Colin got stuck with Kevin Hadfield, who was more interested in doodling in his biology textbook. The goth twins and Becca were also in his group, which was the only bright shining point in an otherwise scary and crappy day.

  “Colin, are you feeling okay? You didn’t look well earlier,” asked Becca, sounding concerned.

  “He always looks like that,” said Kevin. “It’s called ugly, and it’s not curable.”

  Nathan and Micah simply stared at Colin.

  “Yeah, I feel better. Just a dizzy spell.”

  “Why don’t you have your glasses today?” said Becca.

  Why does everyone notice that today? Yesterday I could have come to school naked and painted purple, and no one would have noticed a thing.

  “I got contacts,” said Colin quickly.

  “You have nice eyes.”

  “You have nice eyes,” mimicked Kevin in a whiny voice.

  Micah and Nathan still hadn’t blinked.

  “Are you guys okay?” inquired Colin to the twins. They continued staring.

  “Everyone should be speaking French. Remember your pronunciations,” trilled Madame Frontier.

  “They must like your eyes too, Colin,” sneered Kevin. “How are those ribs today. Heard you took a nasty tumble during detention?”

  “No, they’re good. You must have heard wrong. Or maybe you’re just such a moron that you have no concept of reality,” Colin shot back. “Maybe your chronic stupidity is getting the better of you and soon you’ll take that final step to becoming nothing more than a drooling vegetable.”

  What am I doing?

  Becca stared open-mouthed. The twins looked ill. Kevin didn’t know what to say; he just stared.

  “Uh, sorry,” said Colin. “I don’t know what came … uh … over me.”

  “No, come on, Colin. Tell me more,” spat Kevin. “You were up to the part where I’m a drooling vegetable.”

  The headache was back again. Colin’s vision began to swim, and he put his head down and rubbed his temples.

  What is wrong with me?

  He wanted to lash out, tell Kevin exactly what he thought about him.

  You’re an idiot, a lackey, a lowlife coward who hides behind Gareth Dugan because you don’t know how to look after yourself. You’re a follower, a sheep, and not a smart sheep, the dumbest possible sheep you could ever imagine. And you smell. You smell like old farts and engine oil. That’s what I think of you.

  That’s what he wanted to say but of course he would never say that out loud.

  “So I’m a dumb, stinking sheep, am I?” said Kevin.

  “Wait, what?” said Colin.

  “I’m sure he didn’t mean that, Kevin,” Becca hastily reassured him. “Tell Kevin you didn’t mean that, Colin.”

  I didn’t say that out loud, did I?

  “I’m going to tear you apart, Strauss. As soon—”

  “Wait, you heard me? Just now? But I didn’t say—”

  Oh, Colin. Why are you doing this? It was Becca’s voice, but her lips hadn’t moved.

  The smell. Can’t take the
smell. It’s getting worse. Micah’s voice!

  Colin looked around the class as fire burned through his brain. He could hear everyone, not just their voices, but their thoughts! All jumbled together in a horrible mess. Talking about food, French class, dating, clothing, TV shows, next period, last period, goats, Tori’s latest outfit, where was Sam Bale, did Colin get beaten up last night, how tired they were, while others daydreamed. A maelstrom was spinning in his brain, and then as quickly as it arrived, it was gone.

  “I’m not even going to wait until after class. I’m going to kick the crap out of you right here!” Kevin lunged at Colin but missed by a mile, collapsing into the now empty chair and onto the floor in front of the twins. Colin was now standing three feet away behind Becca’s chair. Madam Frontier shouted in French.

  “What the … ?” said Kevin.

  And then the twins both vomited in unison. All over Kevin.

  Becca grabbed Colin’s shirt and dragged him out of the classroom, away from the shrieks of Kevin Hadfield and what appeared to be the never-ending stomach contents of the goth twins. Madam Frontier fluttered around the classroom trying to regain order.

  Becca didn’t stop walking until they were outside the building, not far from where Gareth, Sam, and Kevin had jumped Colin the evening before.

  An exhausted Colin slumped down onto a picnic bench while Becca stared hard at him.

  “Why do people keep staring at me today?” mumbled Colin helplessly.

  “Well, after you fell out of biology class this morning and whatever the hell just happened now, do you really have to ask? What’s going on, Colin?”

  “I honestly have no idea. I keep getting this headache. And I feel dizzy. Must be the flu. Maybe I’m getting whatever the twins have?”

  “Where were you going last night when I saw you in town?”

  “Are you writing a book or something?” snapped Colin. What is wrong with me? I don’t talk like this?

  “Don’t be that way. I’m just trying to put the pieces together. You’re not yourself at all.”

  Colin looked up at Becca. She looked genuinely concerned. Through the dark makeup, he could see her blue eyes shining down at him.

  You’re beautiful, like an angel.