When Colour Became Grey

by A Lorenzen

  I felt dirty. No, guilty. This was not good. Why couldn’t I stop? I had to get rid of this… this disease before it became too difficult.

  You’re in too deep now, a voice whispered in my head.

  I stumbled away from the corpses as fast as I could. The sky was still dark and the air crisp. A faint glow on the horizon told me the sun would be coming up soon.

  Half an hour later I was home, trying to shower all my guilt away. It was just a one-time thing, a small slip-up. I wouldn’t do it again. No one saw me, no one would ever know. It couldn’t be that bad. I was drinking alcohol and smoking too, this was just another thing I did. No point in telling anyone.

  Afterwards, still wrestling with my inner thoughts, I poured myself a cup of coffee. Blake stormed into the kitchen. ‘Where were you?’ he asked.

  I thought about my words for a few seconds before coming up with a lie, close enough to the truth that he would believe it. ‘I was on my way home and ran into molochs. I got knocked out and woke up this morning.’

  ‘You got… knocked out? In the middle of the street?’

  ‘Yes.’ Even I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

  ‘So you slept outside?’

  ‘… yeah, I guess I did.’

  Blake sighed and brushed back his hair. ‘I told you, I told you to be careful. Do you understand the danger you put yourself in?’

  He tried to stay calm, but the veins in his neck and arms visibly throbbed. He stepped in front me and blocked my way out of the kitchen. ‘When I talked to you, you were drunk. This is what it leads to!’

  ‘I know what you said.’

  ‘You can’t keep doing this! What happened to Ben’s recruit-’

  ‘Don’t say his name!’ The tears were close, but I was able to hold them back.

  Blake looked intensely into my eyes. ‘It could happen to you.’

  With my coffee in hand, I tried to walk past him, but he didn’t let me. Blake put one hand on my shoulder and I was forced to look up into his eyes.

  ‘You are on a very destructive path and if you keep at it, you might not pull yourself out of it.’

  I didn’t know what to say. I knew what I was doing, and I knew it wasn’t good for me, but I could stop anytime, so where was the harm? Why was he so insistent on treating me like a child?

  I fell into bed and looked up at the ceiling. I wasn’t feeling well. I remembered how sick I had been at Ben’s place when I had had moloch blood before. Was it happening again?

  The unease in my stomach lasted for a few hours. When I eventually returned to the living room, Blake was ready to train and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He challenged me to spar hand to hand. I was stronger than I thought. I was able to beat him way more than usual. Blake was annoyed, even if he tried to hide it. Who knew? After all this time I was finally his equal, even strong enough to overpower him.

  ‘Did you take anything?’ Blake inquired when we were done.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Was it the moloch blood? The euphoria could just be one effect… What else could it do? How could I be sure? Asking Caleb was out of the question, but maybe I could research it somehow… or get to that library Holly had talked about…

  The front door opened and Caleb shouted up to us, ‘It’s me.’

  I could feel Caleb’s aura building as he came up the stairs. Instinctively I hurried towards him and touched his arm. A sense of calmness and peace settled in me.

  ‘Where is Holly?’ Blake asked.

  ‘She’s at home. I need to speak to you before I go to the council,’ Caleb said to Blake.

  I knew from his tone it meant they wanted to discuss something privately. ‘I’m going,’ I said.

  His row of white teeth flashed at me and I could feel a sense of satisfaction pulsing through me.

  I let go of his arm and headed to shower off from the sparring session. I hated letting him go. Caleb’s touch always made me feel secure and protected.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Blake asked Caleb just before I closed the door.

  Before I got in the shower, I looked in the mirror. The massive scar stretched across my stomach, painfully reminding me of my origins. No tears came this time, but that was almost worse.

  Eventually the sun made its way back under the horizon and I had survived another day. I spent the afternoon reading while Blake quietly strummed his guitar and hummed a tune. The book wasn’t able to distract me long and I found myself drifting off to my bloody thoughts regularly. While I still felt a slight dizziness, I also kept wanting to drink moloch blood again.

  Just after sunset, I heard the rumbling sound of a car and then someone opened the front door. From the sensation I immediately felt, I knew it was Caleb.

  ‘I’m back,’ he announced. I embraced him and let the positive emotions invade me.

  ‘How did it go?’ Blake asked.

  ‘Not as well as I hoped,’ Caleb admitted.

  I detached myself from him and walked into the kitchen. The moment I was out of sight I could hear the two of them whispering. I proceeded to make a cup of tea ignoring the secrecy going on in the living room.

  ‘… Jesper…’ The name caught my attention.

  I froze and cocked my ears to hear what they were saying.

  ‘…trying another angle. Has she said anything we could use?’

  ‘No, she hasn’t said a word about him. The few times I’ve tried to bring up Ben it brings her to tears.’ It was Blake’s voice whispering.

  I pushed back the tears in my eyes. I had to find out what they were talking about.

  ‘I need to get him to shut up. I thought taking Holly from him would appease him. How could he possibly train her when he doesn’t even have a trainer? I thought he could be reasoned with.’

  ‘Can’t believe him… you had an agreement!’

  ‘Yes, but he is ruthless. He even had the audacity to come to my house to announce he was going after her again! I’m afraid he might fool the council enough to think there is some truth to his accusations.’ Caleb sighed.

  He had been at Caleb’s house? Jesper?

  ‘Should we tell her?’ Blake asked.

  ‘No, not yet. I have another meeting with the council soon. I…’ Caleb sighed deeply, ‘I still have hope I can win the council over.’

  I tried to think and then remembered; that day I had seen the thin man with curly hair arguing with Caleb.

  The cup slipped from my hand and fell to the floor, exploding in a clashing sound, the hot liquid spreading.

  ‘Meerah, are you alright?’ I heard Caleb shout from the living room.

  It all became so clear. The man I had seen arguing with Caleb was Jesper! He had been in my reach! I could have ended him! A sudden pain in my chest stabbed without warning.

  Caleb came into the kitchen, alarmed, followed by Blake. ‘Ameerah, let me help you.’

  Instinctively, I pulled my gun out aiming it at Caleb’s head. ‘Don’t get closer,’ I snarled. The colour drained from Blake’s face and his mouth dropped open.

  ‘I know how you feel, my child. Let me help you.’

  ‘He was in your house! He was THERE! You could have stopped him!’ I screamed.

  ‘Ameerah, I couldn’t just murder him in my house. Think about it! It would have caused too many questions if he disappeared after his trainer just died.’ Caleb tried to calm me.

  ‘I saw him! I saw him!’ The gun shook in my hand. Jesper would get away it. He was untouchable. Caleb was doing nothing! I had trouble breathing.

  He will never be punished, a voice in my head whispered.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Blake eventually found his voice.

  ‘My child, I have my eye on Jesper. Do not trouble yourself with him, please just put the gun down.’ He risked a step closer. The authority in his voice was just below a command.

  Lies, lies, lies!

  ‘NO!’ I backed away, keeping the gun pointed at him.

  ‘Wait- what?! How could she
have seen a master?’ Blake turned to Caleb baffled. My eyes flicked over to Caleb as well. He turned to Blake and they exchanged a look.

  Blake’s eyes were back on me, his jaw tight. ‘Do it.’

  Caleb turned to me. Suddenly, there was a cold draft around my feet, pulling me backwards. His eyes bore into me. ‘Let go, Ameerah!’ Then, like he had pulled the plug from an old TV, I felt myself switch off.

  Caleb caught me before I hit the floor, his touch transporting me immediately into heaven. My soul detached from my body and floated up into white paradise. It was peaceful and loving where I was. My mind roamed free over the vastness of heaven.

  ‘What’s going on with her?’ Blake asked in a low voice.

  Only sound kept me connected to my body in the sea of whiteness. I could hear but I was unable to respond. I couldn’t really feel to my body. It was as if Caleb had cut the connection.

  The feeling was oddly familiar.

  ‘She must have seen Jesper,’ Caleb responded, carrying me somewhere and then laying me on a comfortable surface.

  ‘How is it possible?’

  Caleb shrugged. ‘It must have been an accident. Maybe she saw him when he was at my house. He doesn’t have a trainer or protégé anymore; he must have thought it unnecessary to protect his identity. But she shouldn’t remember now.’ A hand gently caressed my face.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Blake pressed.

  ‘Yes.’ Caleb’s annoyance was audible in his voice.

  ‘I’m worried about her. She seems… off.’

  Caleb sighed. ‘Grief affects people differently. Let her cope in her own way for now, it’s not too late to pull her out, should we need to.’

  ‘Are you sure it’s just grief? I have this feeling she’s hiding something.’

  I could feel the soft surface I was lying on move. ‘She probably is.’

  ‘We need to know what it is! Ben might have had an influence on her and taught her bad habits,’ Blake insisted.

  I could feel my body tensing at the mention of his name.

  ‘He was never the evil man you wanted him to be. Ben confessed to her that Jesper was supposed to watch the recruit but didn’t. Ben went out to look for his recruit but when he found him it was too late. That’s why she is so hell-bent on getting Jesper.’

  ‘That can’t be, that’s a lie! Ben wasn’t there when I found his recruit-’

  ‘He was forced to watch,’ Caleb whispered. ‘Somehow he managed to escape. You must have discovered the body afterwards. Since that moment he had been seeking revenge. The vampire that killed him was one of those that tortured his recruit.’

  Blake paused. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all of this?’ The shock was audible in his voice.

  ‘I… I thought it would be easier for you to cope if you believed he was a bad man.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?!’ Blake fired at him.

  ‘For Christ sake Blake! I know you were in love with her!’ Caleb barked at him.

  A moment of silence followed.

  ‘That has nothing to do with it!’

  ‘Tell me, why did you have such a problem with Ben if it wasn’t because you wanted to be with her?’

  Blake waited a few seconds before responding. ‘You should have told me.’

  I could feel fingers gliding along my face. ‘She confided in me and I didn’t want to break that trust.’

  ‘What about our trust?!’

  ‘I’m her master. And with you having feelings for her I thought it best to keep you out of anything to do with Ben.’

  ‘I thought we were a team and now I find out you’ve been keeping all these secrets from me. What else have you kept from me? You… you need to leave. I don’t want to talk to you.’ Blake’s voice sounded hurt.

  ‘Blake-’

  ‘No, Caleb, I thought we worked together… but apparently we don’t.’

  ‘My duty-’

  ‘Before you were her master you were mine. But I guess you forgot that part.’

  I could hear footsteps and then it went quiet.

  I felt so groggy. I turned onto my other side and opened my eyes. I was in my bed, fully clothed. A pounding headache announced itself when I sat up. I shuffled out of my bedroom. Blake was working out as usual.

  ‘What’s up with you?’ Blake asked me when he saw me moving like a zombie.

  ‘Headache,’ I grunted.

  ‘You had a big night,’ he concurred.

  ‘I did?’ I scratched my head. My memory was sketchy; I remembered I had been out drinking and come back here in the morning. Everything after that was blurry. I shrugged and put on a light running jacket.

  ‘Are you going out?’ Blake asked.

  ‘Running. Why?’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’ Blake ran upstairs before I had time to answer.

  I felt much better after an hour of exercise outside. Blake looked out of breath, though he tried to hide it. It was unusual for him to be exhausted, especially when I wasn’t… I remembered I had beat him sparring yesterday. Was this really a possible side-effect from the moloch blood? It couldn’t be… If moloch blood really did improve your physical strength, then why weren’t all ghosts drinking it? It couldn’t be. It had to be something else.

  Holly arrived a few hours later and trained with Blake. Occasionally, I looked up from the book I was reading and observed them. She was uncoordinated and I sensed Blake was growing impatient. She was a great shot, but terrible at anything that required physical strength. In a way she reminded me of myself when I first came here. It felt like ages ago, and at the same time as if it was only yesterday.

  Holly joined me when Blake finally released her.

  ‘That was intense!’ she declared and fell into the chair next to me.

  I chuckled. ‘Yes, he is hardcore.’ I looked over at Blake, who was manipulating a machine gun.

  ‘What are you doing tonight?’ Holly asked, tying her hair up in a high bun.

  ‘Probably going out. Do you want to come?’

  ‘No, I’m tired tonight. Another time though.’

  To be honest I was relieved she refused. I wanted to be by myself. Once again, I thought of killing molochs and drinking their blood…

  No! If I was going to stop, I had to start at some point.

  ‘Meerah can you take Holly back home?’ Blake said, interrupting my thoughts.

  Holly made her way to the door while I grabbed the keys. ‘Fine, but you know you have a car as well. You could drop her off yourself every now and again.’

  He briefly looked up from his machine gun. ‘I have too much to do here.’

  I looked over at Holly while I was driving. ‘Can I ask you a question?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Is something going on, between Caleb and Blake?’

  ‘Not that I know, why?’

  I shook my head. ‘Blake was weird today. He was quiet and usually it means he is thinking and that normally leads to him talking to Caleb. But he didn’t want to drive you so I thought maybe he was avoiding Caleb.’

  ‘Caleb seemed preoccupied this morning,’ Holly admitted.

  I looked at her again inquisitively. She continued, ‘Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But I thought he was a bit off, pensive.’

  I felt a pinch in my heart. ‘Ok, I’ll speak to Caleb, but chances are he won’t tell me if they are fighting. I’ll need you to look out for him, alright?’

  There was no way Caleb would confide in me. He was my master and I couldn’t remember a time when he opened up to me about anything. He was not wired that way. There was a chance though that I might get through to Blake.

  ‘I’m kind of happy you are counting on me,’ Holly said.

  ‘Why?’ I frowned.

  ‘Because it makes me feel more included,’ she confessed.

  I felt the guilt clawing at me. ‘Look Holly, you are part of us now, whether I want it or not. And I just need to get used to it. It’s nothing against you, it’s… it’s more about me. A
nd if I’m being bitchy you have to tell me.’

  Holly chuckled. ‘Thanks, it means a lot to me. And I’m sorry… for your loss. You don’t deserve-’

  ‘Stop.’ My voice was ice cold.

  He had been far away, but now it all came rushing back like a tsunami and I couldn’t hold it all back. Tears ran down my face.

  ‘I’m so sorry-’ Holly tried to comfort me.

  ‘Stop.’ I pulled the car over and got out. When I closed my eyes, I saw him right in front of me, holding me. But when I opened my eyes, my hands were empty and all I saw was the dirty ground.

  I breathed in through the nose and out through the mouth. Everything slowed down. The memories inched further away, his face faded from in front of my eyes, until all I could see was my immediate surrounding.

  We didn’t speak again until we arrived at Caleb’s house. She got out and made her way to the door. After my sudden cry, I decided not to talk to Caleb tonight. Whatever problems he had with Blake would have to wait.

  The moment Holly was inside the tears came back. No one was watching and my sorrow came rushing back stronger than earlier. Would it ever be ok again? How could I continue without him?

  I didn’t want Caleb to sense my distress so I drove away.

  I pulled into the parking lot of a nearby block of flats and let the tears flow.

  After crying until my face was swollen and red, I just sat in my car, staring into the empty air. There was movement near the entrance of the block of flats, tearing me away from my thoughts of Ben. Two molochs were fighting. Without thinking I got my gun out and ran towards them.

  Several bullets later they were both dead. My heart pounded all the way up to my throat. It was snowing heavily and my breath made clouds of fog when I exhaled.

  I inspected the dead bodies and the urge to drink their blood surged inside me once again. I knew the effect it would have on me, the relief that was so close. I couldn’t help myself.

  As the poison released me from my pain, flashes appeared in front of my eyes. Memories came back. Suddenly it was all clear again. I remembered Jesper at Caleb’s house; I remembered Blake and Caleb talking, then Caleb paralyzing me, trying to make me forget what I had seen.