Chasing Christmas Eve

by Jill Shalvis

  The brownie suddenly felt like lead in her gut. “Did you hurt them?”

  “Not like you think, not physically.” He shook his head. “Never physically. But . . .” He closed his eyes. “I’m not proud of this, dudette. I worked around the clock, away from home. Traveled all the time. And the few times I wasn’t gone, I was still in my head, exhausted and grumpy.” He paused. “I was a self-centered, narcissistic asshole who didn’t give my kid or my wife the time of day.”

  “Did they leave you?”

  “No. I left them.” He looked at her then, and she tried to swipe away the judgment that she knew was all over her face but she was pretty sure she failed because he gave a slow head shake.

  “I wasn’t this laid-back then,” he said. “I was . . . uptight. Stressed out.” His eyes flickered with guilt. “Derisive. I came home and my son was in the yard riding his bike without a care in the world. I went off on his lack of drive, the ridiculousness of time wasting, and how life was too short to waste it doing jackshit where he could be out there changing the world for the better like I thought I was doing.” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “I didn’t realize I was yelling and screaming until my wife tried to pull me inside. I turned on her as well. I had them both in tears and shaking in fear when I came to my senses and realized what I was doing.”

  “What happened?” she whispered.

  “I left that night. I walked away, leaving them better off.” He closed his eyes. “Most of my family never forgave me. Just my grandson, whose big heart has a lot to do with the fact that he never saw me at my very worst.”

  “He sounds like a good guy.”

  Eddie looked at her. “He is. I live here because of him. He thinks he’s taking care of me, but the truth is, I’m here watching over him because, of all the people in my family, he’s the most like me. The most likely to follow in my footsteps and ruin his life. I can’t let him do it. He’s a lot of things, including way too smart for his own good and thinking he’s always right, but . . .” he smiled “. . . he is always right. And he deserves more than following in my footsteps.”

  She stilled. “Spence. Your grandson is Spence.”

  “Yeah.” There was pride and fondness in Eddie’s eyes, but also more.

  “You’re worried about him,” she said, and when he nodded, she asked, “Is that why you stay here? In the alley?”

  Eddie laughed. “You sound horrified. I like it out here, you know. Spence has kept an apartment open for me since he bought this place, and though it’s filled temporarily at the moment . . .” he gave her a knowing wink “. . . I know he’d find me something else if I needed. But I don’t.”

  “Because . . . you’re punishing yourself?”

  He met her gaze, his own unusually solemn and serious. “You’ve got to understand just how much I royally screwed up my life. At every turn, I made bad choices—until a few years ago. Somehow I managed to turn things around, at least a little, and Spence brought me here. He’s surrounded himself with a nice, cozy community here in this building. He’s trying, you see.”

  “Trying . . .”

  “To not be me,” Eddie said.

  Colbie stared at him as things started to click into place. About who Spence was, what he wanted out of life, and how, no matter what he said, he didn’t want to be alone. That, in fact, being alone was one of his biggest fears.

  “He’s the closest now to getting what he needs than he’s ever been,” Eddie said. “Because of you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, you. You’re the one who’s shown him he can love.”

  “Oh, but you’re wrong,” she breathed softly, the air escaping her lungs. “We’re not . . . I’m not the One.”

  “But you are.”

  “No,” she said. “I’m not. I’m a writer. I’m . . . flighty. Quirky. Odd. I got on an airplane to San Francisco because I couldn’t get to the Caribbean. I’m disorganized and more than a little crazy.”

  He smiled. “You’re perfect.”

  “You’ve eaten too many of your own brownies.”

  “True. But you’re still the right one for my Spence.”

  Colbie shook her head. “I’m going home soon. In a week, actually.” The words, spoken aloud, made things seem far too real, and sadness welled up inside her chest. “Wow,” she whispered. “Time went by so fast here.”

  “So stay,” he said simply.

  “I can’t. I have people counting on me.”

  “No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do,” he said. “Well, except for maybe a prison warden.”

  “Or family,” she said.

  He laughed wryly. “Touché. I’d do anything for my grandson, including watching him make a big mistake by letting you go, simply because his only stipulation to me being here was that I not interfere in his life. I gave my word.”

  Colbie was undoubtedly high as a kite because that actually made some sense. “I’d think he’d be proud to be like the man you are now, loving and caring.”

  “You’re very sweet,” Eddie said softly. “But I didn’t tell you what made me turn things around. I fell in love again. Me and Mati had six great months before I lost her.”

  “Oh no,” Colbie breathed. “She passed away?”

  “No, she left. I’d finally met someone more screwed up than me.” He smiled wryly. “The wanderlust took her and she had to go. I could’ve gone with her but . . .”

  “But what?”

  “It was time for me to be here, with my family.” His eyes were fierce with love and memories, and shiny with pain. “So I had to let her go. Just as my family had let me go all those years ago. It’s what you do for those you love. But for the first time, I knew their pain. Still, those six months were the greatest months of my life. For once, work wasn’t the focus of my world. Love was. And I promised myself I’d stick by Spence until he learned the same thing.”

  “But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes,” she said, knowing this from personal experience. Because she’d walked away from her family. Same as her dad, same as Eddie.

  But she now knew what Eddie also knew, that family was family. Even if you got stupid and walked, you went back. No matter what. And that’s what she would do too. Go back. Even if she didn’t want to. Suddenly sad, and just as suddenly ravenous, she put her hands to her stomach. “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Where to?”

  “To eat. I’m starving.”

  He smiled and held out the bag. “I’ve got ya covered.”

  Chapter 18

  #FudgeADuck

  When Colbie didn’t show up at Spence’s like she’d said she would, he figured she’d gotten caught up in her pages and lost track of time.

  Something he understood all too well.

  He waited another half hour before losing patience. He wasn’t a good waiter. He took the stairs down to her place and knocked on her door, but she didn’t answer that either.

  He stood there for a few minutes, wondering for the first time if maybe he was being stood up.

  Ten minutes later, he decided that, yep, he was definitely being stood up.

  Which sucked. They’d managed to spend a fair amount of time together in spite of the fact that they were both working a lot—which he often gave thought to deep in the night while holding her in his arms.

  And something else he’d spent a fair amount of time doing? Arguing with himself whenever he left her bed. It was getting harder and harder to walk away. He’d been telling himself all along that this expiration date of theirs was a good thing.

  But he no longer believed it. The truth was that he wasn’t ready for her to leave and was pretty sure he’d never be ready for her to leave.

  He made his way to the courtyard and poked his head into the alley to ask Eddie if he’d seen her.

  And there she was, sitting with the old man, junk food wrappers scattered all around them like the living dead.

  “What the hell?” He looked at his grandpa. “
Tell me you didn’t get high and rob a convenience store with my girlfriend in tow.”

  Colbie gasped at the sight of Spence and jumped up. “Fudge a duck!” She looked at her watch, squinting to read it. “It’s seven forty-five? How did that happen?”

  “Well,” Eddie said. “The earth revolves around the sun, see, and—”

  “I was supposed to pick Spence up at seven!” she whispered furiously to Eddie. “I’m late! I’m never late! Should I call him?”

  Eddie grinned. “Or you could just turn around and talk to him.”

  “Wait—he can see us?” she asked, horrified, eyes nearly bugging out of her head. “We’re not invisible?”

  “Christ,” Spence said.

  She whirled to face him. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know where the time went!”

  He looked into her stoner red eyes and had to laugh. “I do.”

  She flushed. “We got caught up . . . talking.”

  “Uh-huh.” Spence looked over her head at Eddie and his mouth tightened. “You butted in.”

  Eddie shrugged, the gesture apparently so Spence-like that Colbie clapped a hand to her mouth. “I see it now,” she said behind her fingers. “The similarities.”

  Spence added disbelief to his anger. “You told her?”

  “That you’re way too smart for your own good and you think you’re always right?” Eddie asked. “Yeah, I told her, but I don’t think she was all that surprised.”

  Spence was not amused, but Colbie put her hand on his arm. “I think it’s incredibly sweet that you have your grandpa here, taking care of him like you do.”

  “Darlin’, you’ve got that backward,” Eddie said with a grin at Spence.

  Colbie slipped her arm in Spence’s and looked up at him with sweet worry. “I really am so sorry,” she said. “I never do this, forget the time. Or a date. Well, okay, so I forget dates when I don’t wanna go, but this wasn’t one of those times.” She paused. “I got hungry.”

  Spence eyed the empty candy and chip wrappers. “I see that.” He turned and met Eddie’s nonsheepish gaze. “We’ll talk later.”

  Eddie sent him a mocking salute.

  “Oh please don’t be upset with him,” Colbie said earnestly. “It was my idea to have the second brownie—”

  “You had more than one?” Spence asked and looked at his grandpa.

  Eddie had the good grace to look slightly shamed. “She was really hungry.”

  Spence shook his head, trying to let it go. The fact was, he and Eddie rarely saw eye-to-eye, and actually, that was all on Spence anyway. He’d never completely forgiven his grandpa for basically deserting his dad and grandma.

  The resentment was in direct opposition to Spence’s need to still keep Eddie safe, but since the guy insisted on living on the streets, it was an unfulfilled need. It’d taken him a long time to accept his grandpa’s unconventional lifestyle, or so he’d always thought. But the truth—the rather appalling truth—was that Spence was far too much like Eddie for his own comfort.

  “I’m sorry,” Eddie said quietly, and Spence stared at him in shock. He’d never heard those words from him before. He didn’t want to be moved, but like Spence himself, Eddie never said anything he didn’t mean. Spence nodded his appreciation of the statement and took Colbie up to her apartment. He had no idea what she’d planned for them but whatever it was, she was going to need a minute.

  Or a few hours . . .

  “I can’t find my key,” she said at her door, head bent, searching through her mess of a bag.

  Spence took her hand and looked her over. She seemed okay. Her hair had fallen in her face, which was flushed because she was overheated and probably dizzy as hell. He gently pushed it from her eyes. “I can’t believe you ate the brownie.”

  “Brownies,” she said, emphasis on the s. “As in plural. And I knew better too, but . . .” She trailed off guiltily.

  “I know. He can be deceptively sweet and persuasive.” And a menace . . .

  “Yes!” she said. “He’s so wonderful!”

  Not the exact word Spence would have used. He took her purse and tried to find her keys, but all he saw was her wallet and notes upon notes. “Come on,” he said. “I’ll get you another key, but for now we’ll go to my place.”

  “But I went grocery shopping to make you dinner,” she said. “I went on an empty stomach too, so I’m now the proud owner of aisles three through twelve.”

  He laughed because damn, she was a really cute stoner. “We’ll figure it out.” He took her up two flights, opened his door, and ushered her in.

  “I like this place,” she said. “It’s serene and quiet. But you really need some pictures and personal stuff. Hey, are my feet touching the ground or am I floating?”

  He sighed and she laughed. “Okay, never mind. I only float after a few margaritas. Hey, do you have any idea how lovely I think it is that you take care of your grandpa like you do?”

  “Says the woman who takes care of her entire family,” he said.

  She pointed at him. “Touché. I like him, by the way. A lot. Is he a secret?”

  “No,” Spence said. “I just . . .” He shook his head. “I guess I feel like I’ve failed him by not getting him off the street.”

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. “Do you want to know why I love your grandpa so much? Because we’re kindred spirits. Like him, I always truly believed I’d be happier alone. It was actually a huge fantasy of mine all my life. When I was growing up, all I wanted was to not live with two brothers and my mom in that teeny, tiny one-bedroom, one-bathroom hovel we grew up in, where I never had a single inch of space to myself. Being alone has always sounded like heaven, just me and my computer and my imagination. But this trip . . .” She shook her head. “I had it all wrong, Spence.”

  He ran a finger along her temple, tucking a loose strand of hair back from her face. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Stepping into him, she ran a hand up his chest. “And you’ve got a lot to do with that. I learned some things from you.”

  He pulled her into him and nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck. “I learned something too,” he admitted. “Something I didn’t see coming.”

  She slid her hands into his hair. “What’s that?”

  It took him a moment to find the right words. “For most of my life,” he finally said, “I wanted to change my grandpa. Make him . . . I don’t know, normal, I guess. Then when I bought this place and coerced him into moving here, I expected him to take an apartment. I had no idea how to help him, how to keep him safe. I just did the best I could. And in the end, he’s the one who helped me. He taught me acceptance.”

  “Acceptance?”

  “Letting people be who they need to be,” he said. “Including myself.”

  She nodded. “I like that. I’ve always micromanaged my mom and siblings, setting up their lives how I thought best. They let me but . . . I haven’t done them any favors.”

  “It’s never too late to change.”

  She met his gaze, hers open and sincere, and nodded. “Why don’t you have any Christmas decorations?”

  The abrupt subject change reminded him that she was pretty toasted. “I do,” he said. “You just can’t see them because you’re stoned.”

  She laughed. “You’re funny. Hey, do you have food?”

  “I have anything you want.”

  Her eyes were big and luminous. “Anything?” she asked, whispered really, looking very intrigued.

  He smiled. “Are we playing?”

  She bit her lower lip.

  Yeah. They were playing.

  “I need to get ready to feed you. But I need a shower first.” She sidled up to his front, giving him a very inviting smile, her eyes seeming to strip him naked.

  Which he was totally okay with.

  She ran her hands up his chest and around the back of his neck,