Blissfully Blindsided

by Robin Alexander

Ronnie moved to one of the chairs and sank down slowly, staring at Chantal. “Why have you been lying?”

  “Are you dying?” Blaze began to pace back and forth across the kitchen like a caged animal with both hands on top of her head.

  “No, am I about to?” Chantal asked as she watched Blaze.

  “Why did you lie to us?” Ronnie pressed.

  “I have so much to explain,” Chantal said nervously. “Will you talk your sister into sitting down?”

  Ronnie shook her head. “She has to purge energy when she’s upset. If she sits down now, she’ll tear this table apart. Start explaining, she’s listening.”

  It took Chantal a moment to speak. “You and Blaze have always been kind to me during my visits. Still, I could see distrust, detachment, and sometimes anger in your eyes when you regarded me. I wanted to have this conversation, but I would lose my nerve. The day I arrived here, I saw something else in Blaze’s eyes when she first looked at me sitting in the back of that car—compassion. It only lasted for a moment, and when I saw her look of sympathy slowly turning back to detachment, I panicked. I did the one thing I’m really good at, I played a role. It was a moment of desperation I regretted even then, but when Blaze offered for me to stay here, I—”

  “Offered,” Ronnie interjected and turned to Blaze. “You told me she begged to stay here.”

  “Yeah,” Blaze snapped as she continued to pace. “I’m her offspring, so I’m a liar too!”

  “I wanted a chance to explain why I left,” Chantal continued. “I’ve wanted to for a long time, that’s why I would come each year and why I didn’t stay for more than a few hours. I would see your faces and I would think ‘it’s too late.’ I would panic and run. I would try to convince myself it was best to leave well enough alone, but I couldn’t. When I was lying on the pavement after my accident and cars were swerving to avoid me, all I could think of was how many opportunities I let slip away. When I was well enough to travel, I came here. My lie to Blaze afforded me a chance to spend a little time in your world, and you both were so wonderful. I found my courage, but Blaze wasn’t ready to hear.” She glanced at Ronnie. “I don’t think you were either. Blaze, would you get my purse from the couch?”

  “No,” Blaze said indignantly. Nevertheless, she stomped into the living room, grabbed the purse, and returned to the kitchen where she dropped it on the table.

  “Thank you.” Chantal grabbed the purse and pulled it to her chest. “When we’re born, we’re not stamped with things we really need to know. My stamp would’ve read, ‘You lack the ability to sing, cook, operate a motorcycle, and be a mother.’ I wanted to be able to do all those things, but when I tried, my attempts ended in disaster. It’s sad we have to learn about our lack in hindsight.”

  “We aren’t born with a manual on parenting either,” Ronnie said as she watched Chantal pull the envelope of pictures from her purse. “It’s all advice from others and trial and error, but we don’t give up just because it’s hard and sometimes painful.”

  “I was feeding you one time, and you started coughing. I thought you were getting a cold, and had Iona not walked in when she did, you probably would’ve choked to death,” Chantal said as she continued to dig in her purse.

  “Rookie mistake, and that’s not an excuse to give up,” Ronnie said calmly but firmly.

  Chantal set another envelope atop the one filled with photos and met Ronnie’s gaze. “You’re a better woman than I am, Ronnie, and that’s because the woman who raised you was the mother I couldn’t be.”

  “No.” Ronnie shook her head. “If you’re gonna tell me that’s why you left, I will call bullshit. Grandma would’ve helped you with us. If you didn’t know how to be a mother, she would’ve taught you if you had wanted to stay.”

  “You’re right,” Chantal conceded hoarsely. “The lack of skill wasn’t the only problem. What I’m about to say is not an excuse. I simply want to explain where I was mentally back then. My mother was sixteen when she got pregnant, and my father ran off when he found out. She raised me alone until I was twelve and went to live with her older sister. The only memory I have of my mother is that she was angry and bitter. I started to become the same way when being a mom got hard, and unlike my mother, I did have help. I withdrew, and Iona took over while I hid away.”

  “Did you struggle with depression?” Caleigh asked.

  Chantal nodded. “I realized what it was when I was diagnosed years later. Therapy taught me that I kept pursuing things I thought would make me happy, but when reality didn’t measure up to my illusions, I would be deeply disappointed. I would seek out something else I thought would make me happy, and the cycle would repeat. I remembered how happy I was after I went to live with my aunt and her husband. They weren’t wealthy, but I was treated like a princess. They made me feel wanted, they talked to me, and were interested in what I was thinking. I felt valued. Iona did that so easily with the girls, but I couldn’t. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to consider theirs.”

  Chantal took the pictures from the envelope and started laying them out. “I asked Iona to send these to me after I left. I knew she was the mother you two deserved. The evidence is right here before you, happy children celebrating birthdays and Christmases, playing on the beach, roasting marshmallows over a campfire. Iona could give you what I couldn’t.”

  “I don’t know what to say to that,” Ronnie said with a sigh and glanced at Blaze, who had stopped pacing, and her face was expressionless.

  “In my heart, I know I did the best thing by leaving, even though it was for my own selfish pursuits,” Chantal said, and her voice broke. She inhaled deeply and breathed out slowly. “Yes, Iona would’ve helped me raise you girls, but I was a mess inside. I knew what it was like to live with someone who was always in a dark place and blaming everyone around them for putting them there. In hindsight, I know that would’ve had a negative influence on my children. At the time, I regretted my decision not long after I left, and I at least wanted to visit, but my rationale centered on what I wanted and not what you needed. I was furious when Iona asked me to stay away, but on some level, I knew she was right.”

  “Grandma told you to stay away?” Blaze asked unbelievingly.

  “I’d been gone six months, and I wrote to her and asked if I could visit. She was kind in her response but made it clear that the two of you had adjusted to my absence.” Chantal took a piece of paper from the envelope and gently unfolded the letter that had been taped together. “I tore this up in my anger, but you can see her only concern was your welfare. She suggested I wait until the two of you were older. I took her advice, and when you both were in your teens, I made plans to come then. Iona felt she needed to let Frank know I was coming. He called the number I’d given Iona and told me not to. He said you girls were going through a rough time, and he didn’t want my intrusion to add more stress.”

  “Well, he and Grandma should’ve at least told us that y’all were talking,” Ronnie said angrily. “They led us to believe you didn’t want to have anything to do with us, and that’s what added to our stress.”

  “His decisions, right or wrong, were based on protecting you. I have to say he was right then because I returned when you were both adults, and I still failed to handle things correctly,” Chantal admitted with a sigh. “There was so much I should’ve said and didn’t. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-sixties that I could look back at my life and acknowledge it was paved with poor decisions. I self-medicated, I would go to therapy, but I wouldn’t put the things I was being taught to use. I’m finally at a point where I feel healthy, and still I came here and lied to get what I wanted.”

  “What was that, just to tell us this?” Blaze asked angrily. “Now that you have, are you gonna leave again?”

  “I want to stay and buy a house here. I deeply regret that I couldn’t figure myself out and be what my daughters needed me to be. I’m very sorry that I’ve made things the way they are. I know an apology won’t fix them, but I h
ope we could at least be friends.” Chantal’s hand shook as she set it on the envelope. “These are the letters Iona and I exchanged. I hope you’ll read them and maybe see that I did—I do—love you both, even though I couldn’t show it.”

  “Oh, my God,” Caleigh whispered as her eyes brimmed with tears.

  “Look at all of us at the table crying,” Ronnie snapped and waved a hand at Blaze. “And the human fountain over there is as dry as a bone. I’ve seen her get misty watching dog food commercials. This is weird. What’s happened to my world? Great! Now I’m flashing.”

  Blaze watched Ronnie walk over to the refrigerator, open the door, and try to cram herself into it. “I need to think. You gonna be okay?”

  “I’m in the fucking refrigerator. I’m fine, go.”

  “I need to think,” Blaze said again and walked out the back door.

  Chapter 19

  Caleigh walked onto the porch timidly and found Blaze sitting on her outdoor sofa. “Do you want to be alone?”

  “No, I’m glad you came,” Blaze said as she watched a few leaves fall from her favorite pecan tree. “You can help me sort out my emotions.”

  “You trust me to do that after I lost my emotional shit in there?”

  Blaze smiled at Caleigh as she took a seat beside her. “Ronnie’s right, I will cry at the drop of a hat when confronted with something emotional. I don’t know why I didn’t break down. I think it’s sweet that you did because it means you care.”

  “I think she was being sincere, and I like her even more for it.”

  “I do too,” Blaze admitted and blew out a breath. “It was hard hearing her say she was bitter and angry in her role of mother. I know Dad didn’t give her much support then. I heard Grandpa fussing at Dad one time for being selfish. Dad was arguing until Grandpa said something like if he had stayed out of the bars every night and had been a husband, Chantal might not’ve left. Dad went completely silent. I do believe Chantal suffered with depression. My ex did too, and what Chantal described was a picture of Trin. I still struggle with the fact she left me and Ronnie, though I know her reasons.”

  Caleigh took Blaze’s hand. “I do too. I keep a desiccated turtle because I couldn’t part with it, so I can’t fathom how she could’ve walked out on y’all. I’ve gotten down over things, but I’ve never been to the level Chantal has.”

  “Something is wrong with me because I think that turtle thing is so cute,” Blaze said with a laugh and quickly sobered. “I felt Chantal’s regret. It was like I sensed it every time she came here. I want to get to know her, but I just can’t go in there and throw myself in her arms.”

  “I think she knows that.”

  “She paid off the loan on my store, and that was a lot of money. Now I feel beholden to her, and I’m not comfortable with that. Is that crazy?”

  “Yeah,” Caleigh said with an emphatic nod. “She said that was a gift, take it. Look at it as back child support or whatever, but take it.”

  Blaze laughed. “Thanks for keeping me grounded.”

  “When I was drinking the diabolical tea and chatting with her, she told me she wanted to do something to make your and Ronnie’s lives easier. She knows she can never fully make up for the past, but she’s trying to show she wants to. She could’ve stayed wherever she was, that would’ve been the easy thing to do. But she chose to come here and try to make amends, and that had to be scary. To me, that shows despite everything she did, she does care.” Caleigh stroked the back of Blaze’s hand with her thumb. “Are you going to read the letters?”

  “Maybe one day but not right now.”

  Edie rounded the corner holding a casserole dish. As she climbed the steps, she noticed Caleigh’s swollen eyes and rushed over. “What’s wrong?” she asked and dropped the dish into a chair. “Are you in pain?”

  “No, um…” Caleigh glanced at Blaze, wondering how to reply.

  “Chantal just told us why she left when we were little,” Blaze explained. “The conversation got kind of emotional.”

  Edie went to the other side of the couch and sat when Blaze scooted over. She wrapped an arm around Blaze’s waist and gazed at her. “How’re you feeling?”

  “Kinda happy and kinda I don’t know what,” Blaze said.

  Caleigh started talking quickly. “Chantal had regrets over leaving and she wanted to visit, but Iona advised her not to because it would be confusing to Blaze and Ronnie, who were still little. Chantal waited until they were in their teens, but Frank didn’t want her to come because he thought that would have a negative impact. Blaze and Ronnie had no idea Iona and Frank had been talking to Chantal. By the time Chantal started visiting, she was too intimidated to really talk to them and explain why she left. She suffered with depression. She’s gone to therapy, done some soul searching, and she’s here now because she wants to be in their lives. She paid off the note to Blaze’s store secretly because she wanted to help. Blaze doesn’t know how to feel about that, so tell her to accept the gift.”

  “Oh, honey, you take that gift.” Edie patted Blaze’s back. “Are you angry with your grandma for not telling you any of this?”

  Blaze thought for a moment. “I am a little peeved that she and Dad didn’t tell us at least when we were grown.”

  “You should know that Iona anguished over whether or not she was making the right decisions. Whenever you and Ronnie would ask about your mother and Iona was forced to talk to y’all about her, she said you would cry a lot and Ronnie would tear up stuff in the yard.” Edie rubbed Blaze’s back soothingly. “She was afraid of what interaction with Chantal would do to y’all. She just wanted you girls to have a happy and healthy childhood, and she did whatever she thought was best to make that happen.” Edie noticed Caleigh’s mouth hanging wide open and the scowl on her face. “Why’re you looking at me like that?”

  “Gram! You knew that, and you didn’t tell me?” Caleigh exclaimed.

  “No, I didn’t because you would’ve blabbed. That was something Chantal, Frank, and the girls needed to discuss amongst themselves. I’m sorry, Caleigh, but you could not be trusted with that information because of your feelings for Blaze. I never told your Gramp either, because he can’t be trusted not to blab, period.”

  Ronnie walked out the back door with teary eyes and tried to smile. “Hi, Edie.”

  “She’s up to speed on everything. Caleigh just gave her an impressive rundown. Did Chantal say anything else?” Blaze asked.

  “We talked about the gift she wants to give me.” Ronnie took a seat in the chair Edie had pulled close to where she sat. “She looked emotionally drained, and I suggested she should take a nap.”

  “Are you gonna take the gift?” Blaze asked.

  Ronnie looked at her as though she was crazy. “Hell yes. With money like that, I could buy the house next door to mine. Rosie and I could have our own clean living space, and the three pigs could stay at the old house.” She smiled when Edie began rubbing her back. “How’re you feeling about all this?”

  Blaze turned to Caleigh. “You’ll say it better than I will.”

  “She believes Chantal is being sincere and she actually likes her, but she’s struggling with some of the abandonment issues. She wants Chantal in her life, but she’s not ready to hug her or call her Mom,” Caleigh said and looked at Blaze questioningly.

  Blaze nodded. “Excellent. So, Ronnie, what about you?”

  “I’m happy. I told Chantal that, and that’s when she really began to cry.” Ronnie waved a hand at Blaze. “Then I turned into you and cried my eyes out too. You’re gonna need to refill the napkin holder on the table.”

  “You don’t have any lingering issues with her leaving us?” Blaze asked.

  “You know what, some people really aren’t meant to have children. The prime example is sitting on my couch watching TV, and it won’t occur to him to make our kids something to eat, even though it’s approaching dinnertime. He can tell you all the players on his favorite football team, but he doesn’t kn
ow what subjects the kids are studying in school, and he has no idea what kind of grades they’re making. The only reason I haven’t divorced him is because I’d have to let my babies spend weekends with him, and they’d probably starve to death. At least Chantal knew she couldn’t handle the job as parent, and she left us with someone who could.” Ronnie shrugged. “That’s how I choose to look at it.”

  Blaze nodded. “I’m gonna try to roll with that too.”

  “Ronnie, if it’s okay with Blaze, why don’t you invite your kids here for dinner?” Edie pointed at the huge casserole dish. “There’s plenty of food. I can run home and make up a big salad too.”

  “I have everything for a salad here,” Blaze added. “Call the kids, let them meet their grandmother.”

  Edie stepped out of the hallway bathroom at the same time as Chantal left her room. Chantal listened to all the voices coming from the kitchen and asked, “Does Blaze have company?”

  “Ronnie’s sons and daughter are having dinner with us,” Edie said with a smile.

  Chantal looked stricken and fussed with her hair. “I’m not presentable.”

  “Honey, your grandkids don’t care what you look like, only how you treat them. What’s wrong with your hair?”

  “I haven’t done anything with it since Ronnie colored it, and it’s flat,” Chantal said.

  Edie waved a hand. “Oh, well, I can help you fluff it up.”

  “I would appreciate that, thank you,” Chantal said with a nervous smile.

  *******

  Trey and Leif were helping Blaze put the extender in her kitchen table when Chantal rolled into the kitchen behind Edie. Ronnie turned away from the salad she was making and said, “Boys, I’d like you to meet your grandma Chantal.”

  Trey walked over to Chantal first and extended his hand. “Hi, Grandma.”

  “You’re Trey,” Chantal said with a smile as she took his hand into both of hers. “You’re a handsome young man.”

  Leif stepped toward Chantal, but Rosie moved ahead of him. “Ladies first, people,” she said and gave Chantal a hug.