Finding Hope (Mail Order Bride: Brides And Promises Book 1)

by Ruby Hill

  As the parents discussed various options to order for the grand feast that it was becoming, John wondered if what he had said in anger, was not in fact, the truth. He had been blaming himself all along for the way that their relationship had been developing, or the lack thereof. But maybe she was realizing that he was not at all what she wanted to marry, and that was why she was becoming so silent around him.

  The thought made him frustrated, and even if it was not true, it was as if his mind and heart had already accepted it as if it was. She did not think that he was a good enough match, did she? Did she feel, perhaps, that he was not worthy of her?

  I will have you know, dear Lady, that there are many women who would have given their left arms to be able to marry me. And here I am, still infatuated with you as I am, willing to try and make this marriage work.

  But was he truly willing to anymore?

  The conversation had moved from the ball to the wedding, and he found that he could not stomach it any longer. There was too much hanging in the air, and it did not help him feel more at ease. Instead, it made him feel as if he needed to figure out what he truly wanted to do...before it was too late to do so.

  "Excuse me," he said, getting to his feet.

  His mother, who had been right in the middle of talking about whether they should use the silver goblets or the crystal ones for the dinner, looked up at him. "We are not done working out the details. We will be done shortly, dear, come and sit back down."

  He crossed in front of his father and back toward the door. "It appears that you all have it under control. I trust your judgment to make the best decision."

  And before she could say anything else, he left the room.

  He could have sworn he saw Lady Agnes look up at him for the first time as he stood, and as he walked down along the hall, he wondered if perhaps that was not a reason that he had done it in the first place.

  5

  Sleep escaped him for the next three nights, and when the day of the ball fell upon them, he felt as if he had crossed the entire length of the country on foot. His body ached, his mind felt full of cotton, and the sight of food made him feel ill.

  He could not bring himself to admit the thoughts he had been entertaining, not even to himself. They caused his chest to burn with fear every time he pondered them. They were wicked and would anger many people, but the way that events were unfolding, he wondered if he had little choice at all.

  Lady Agnes was still silent whenever he was around, and he began to wonder if she was simply pretending that he was not in the room. He would continue to watch her, hoping to make eye contact with her. He would speak, and she would speak, even when they were beside one another, but it was never to each other.

  Their mothers were so fixated on the coming ball and wedding that they were unaware of their children's attitudes, but his siblings certainly were not. They spent much of their time when Lady Agnes was not in the room accusing him and scolding him. He allowed it, for he felt as if it was an agreeable punishment to what he was considering doing. He knew that if he went through it that their insults and prodding would be all that much worse.

  He sat at the edge of his bed just minutes before he had to be presented to the rest of the ball attendees, his mind racing. Was he really going to go through with it? Could he truly change the entire course of his future with just one decision?

  He knew that he could, but the question in his mind was...which decision was the right one?

  He rose to his feet, crossed to the mirror to examine his jacket and hat, and met his own eyes for the first time in days.

  Do you care for Lady Agnes? he asked himself.

  He sighed. "I do," he replied, out loud, but no louder than a whisper.

  Do you think that she cares for you? The question came to mind before he could quell it.

  He closed his eyes. "I...I don't know."

  Do you think that you should call the wedding off?

  And as he looked into his own eyes, he faced the question that had been dancing just along the outside of his mind for the last week. He forced himself to face it, for it was no small matter, and it was no good running from it any longer.

  And the truth was, he realized, that he honestly did not know the correct answer. He cared for her, and even if he felt as if he had perhaps ruined their marriage already, he knew that she had withdrawn from him as well, no matter what her parents' efforts had been. Something had changed, and he wondered, not for the first time, if she had ever cared for him at all.

  Perhaps he had been some lovesick fool who wasted no time in getting himself wrapped up in the idea of marrying her, so much so that it caused him to miss the truth. Perhaps she was not as sweet and kind and as gentle as he had initially made her out to be. She could very well be like all of the other women he had ever known—mysterious, always with a plan of their own.

  But how could he know for sure?

  He paced back and forth in his room, across the floor.

  Would he risk an entire life of unhappiness, for both of them, on the hope that he was wrong?

  There was a knock at his door.

  "Brother, you are needed."

  "I'll be right down. I was just changing my hat," he lied.

  He looked at himself in the mirror again, across the room.

  No, he thought. No, I cannot do that. I must call the wedding off.

  The decision, now that it had been made, settled over his shoulders. It felt heavy, but he did not feel as if he was wrong.

  I will call it off.

  He walked toward the door, grabbed the glass knob, and hesitated. He could not do it this evening, not now. There were too many people around, too much that could go wrong.

  No, I will wait for a better time. Perhaps tomorrow, when all of the guests have gone home. I am sure, if she is thinking the same way that I am, that she will agree that it is best, and we can salvage our reputations.

  He swallowed hard as the image of her in the rose garden flooded his mind like warm light, the flowers around her dull in comparison to her beauty.

  He gripped the knob harder. He had made the decision, and now, he would have to live with it...no matter how beautiful she was to him.

  * * *

  "There you are."

  Robert was waiting at the end of the hall, looking quite smart in his new navy blue coat and tails. His face was expressionless as he did a rapid search over his brother.

  "My apologies," John said. He felt a lump in his throat, yet more calm than he had in as long as he could remember.

  Robert furrowed his brow as he looked at John. "You seem quite pale. Are you all right?"

  "Better than ever," John replied, looking down the stairs into the foyer. Many guests had already arrived, it seemed, as there was a wide array of colors, patterns, and styles in the room. Laughter floated up the stairs, and the warm glow of candles and oil lamps filled every surface and wall.

  Peering more closely at his brother, Robert pursed his lips. He arched an eyebrow. "Are you now? And might it have anything to do with the fact that this ball is for you and your bride?"

  "No, it is not," John replied, and as he straightened the collar of his jacket, he began to walk down the stairs, away from his brother.

  "Ah, Lord Bridgewater!" said a jovial man with a large, round face at the bottom of the stairs. He stood with his father and mother, receiving the guests as they came into the manor.

  "Good evening, Lord Gregory. I trust you and your family are well?"

  "We are indeed, my boy, we are indeed." His white moustache bounced happily as he laughed. "It is wonderful to see you. You must be quite excited about the big day coming up!"

  A pang of guilt struck him suddenly as his parents glanced over at him. "It is going to be the talk of the whole summer, no doubt."

  "That it will be," his mother chimed in, a wide, fake smile on her face. It didn't linger long, as another couple had just approached and stolen her and his father's attention away.


  John had to force himself not to glare at the back of her head. He knew how mad she would be at him when he ended things with Lady Agnes. He hoped they would understand if Lady Agnes was in agreement. An icy fear washed over him as he wondered what he would do if she did not.

  "I simply am waiting for the lovely Lady Agnes to appear, and then I will announce you both together to the rest of the party. Is that all right with you?"

  John looked around the room. There was no sign of Lady Agnes, and he was not sure if he was delighted by this fact, or saddened.

  "That should be fine," he replied, and settled in next to Lord Gregory to wait for her arrival.

  He greeted some families that he knew as they came in, attempting to be as calm and amiable as he could be. His mind continued to wander, and he had to force himself to greet each guest pleasantly in order to keep up appearances.

  "Well, if it is not Lord and Lady Cheshire!" Lord Gregory exclaimed.

  John blinked, clearing his mind of Lady Agnes sitting beside the fireplace, the cup of tea he had brought her clenched in her small hands. Two of his friends appeared in front of him, Lord Cheshire and Lady Charlotte, who were twins.

  "What a wonderful surprise," John said honestly, for what felt like the first time all evening.

  They were strikingly similar, with silvery blonde hair and eyes that reminded him of ice on a pond in winter, cold and blue, but their faces were kind, and they wore matching outfits of ivory and white.

  "Good evening, Bridgewater!" Lord Cheshire reached out his hand to John, who took it and shook it.

  "How are you this fine night?" John asked them.

  They both nodded. "Wonderful. Thank you for asking my lord," Lady Charlotte said. Her cheeks were red like roses, and her lips like the reddest apples.

  He was not sure he had ever noticed just how pretty she was before.

  Between their shoulders, a woman in an emerald green dress with dark hair caught his eye, and his gaze shifted to her.

  She was turned away from him, her hair done up in a pretty knot, with little flowers woven into the tiny braids, and the gloves on her hands that absently smoothed wrinkles on the side of her dress were the brightest white. She was slender, and something about the way she stood intrigued him.

  And when she turned around, he swallowed hard. It was Lady Agnes. He felt ashamed that he had been so enticed by her, for it was going to make following through with his decision that much more difficult.

  Both of the twins turned to see who he was looking at.

  "She looks stunning," Lord Cheshire said.

  "She does indeed," his sister agreed.

  "Yes she does..." John breathed, before he was able to stop himself.

  "Well, we won't stand in your way, old chap," Lord Cheshire said, patting John amicably on the shoulder. "We shall see you later then, yes?"

  John nodded at them, and they walked away.

  Lady Agnes was still looking at him, holding his gaze with her intensely blue eyes.

  He swallowed hard as she started to walk toward him.

  "Good evening," she said, looking up into his face.

  "Yes," John replied rather dumbly. He shook his head. "That is, it is a fine evening, to be sure." He cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. "You look...very nice."

  That was really the best that he could come up with? Once again, he was failing himself and her all at the same time.

  But she was gracious as always. "Thank you very much. And you look quite handsome yourself."

  He looked at the open space beside himself. "Would you care to stand with me? Lord Gregory is going to be announcing us soon."

  "Of course," she said, more formally than usual, and they fell back into an uneasy silence as she took her place beside him.

  "Ah, the bride has arrived!" Lord Gregory exclaimed some time later. "Good, good. I shall clear the guests from the hall."

  And he did. He ushered everyone out of the foyer and into the ballroom, giving both of them much more room to breathe.

  Before Lord Gregory returned through the doors he had shut, they were left alone together in the large, quiet room.

  He stole glances of her out of the corner of his eyes, a small and feeble part of him hollering inside of his mind that it was not too late, that he could still repair the damage that had been done, that this marriage could still work.

  But she would not look at him like she had when she first arrived. Her gaze was fixated on the door in front of her, and she made no motion of speaking with him.

  "Lady Agnes," he said, very quietly, realizing that this moment was perhaps the last he would ever have to make amends.

  She did finally turn her face up to him, her face pensive.

  Her eyes met his, and he could see the distinct color of them. They were almost green in the light from the candles around them, and he could see tiny flecks of gold along the outside.

  "What is it, my lord?"

  "I would just like for you to know that the time that my family and I have spent with you and your parents has been most pleasant."

  There was no reaction in her gaze; she simply blinked up at him. No happy curve of her lips, and no change in her posture.

  When she said nothing, he stumbled on. "I realize that I may not have been the most agreeable fellow as of late, but I would have you know that –"

  The doors swung open before them, and they both looked up to see Lord Gregory stepping back inside.

  "Are we ready?" he asked, beaming between the two of them.

  They glanced at one another.

  He had failed, once again, to say anything of substance. He had one chance to let her know how he felt, and he had missed it.

  Perhaps it was never meant to be after all.

  "Of course," Lady Agnes said in reply, a small smile that did not quite reach her eyes growing slowly on her face.

  Steeling himself and forcing a smile onto his own face, John nodded in agreement. "Yes, carry on, Gregory. We are ready."

  Lord Gregory motioned them over and turned back towards the doors.

  "On my mark, then," he said, and he pulled the doors wide open.

  The ballroom was handsomely adorned, with swags of velvety curtains hung over the windows, sparkling crystal bowls in every corner, and the greatest number of people that John felt he had ever seen.

  "Dear Lords and Ladies, present and able this evening!" Lord Gregory called out into the room. "May I have your attention, please!"

  Slowly the noise in the room began to diminish, and the band had stopped its jubilant playing. All of the guests' heads swiveled in their direction, and John felt his cheeks grow hot.

  "On behalf of the Duke and Duchess Edgefield, as well as the Earl and Countess of Kensington, I present to you for the first time in society together, in celebration of their coming marriage, Lord Bridgewater, and Lady Agnes Bartmouth!"

  He was aware of the fact that the room erupted in cheers, but it all felt very distant from him in that moment. No one had any idea that there was any sort of contention between him and Lady Agnes, nor that they were anything but happy about the upcoming union.

  They had to discuss what was truly happening between the two of them; he felt as if he might lose his mind if there was not some sort of clarification soon. They could not begin a marriage like this, no matter if it was arranged or not.

  How could it be that he was standing beside her behind such a blatant façade? Their smiles and their waving at those around them who loved them so much felt hollow. It physically pained him to be so torn about the entire endeavor, and it took every bit of his strength to keep him grounded to the spot.

  He had to fool them all for the evening, and then, tomorrow, they would have to discuss their upcoming marriage. They would have no other choice.

  With that thought in mind, he looked down at her beside him. As if he had spoken, she looked up at him, her smile still fixed on her face. He felt he could see the same fixed determination in her eyes, and fo
r the first time, he felt connected to her again.

  He offered his arm to her, she accepted it graciously, and they stepped out into the swelling group of people, ready to accept the praise and congratulations that would fall on heavy and unaccepting hearts. How strange the world had become.

  They stayed by each other's sides for a short time, and as if by agreement, they allowed themselves to be pulled away into different groups of people, everyone excited and laughing and shaking his hand.

  He accepted their words with as much grace as he could muster. He would sneak glances of Lady Agnes, weighing her reactions, only to be teased by those who noticed that he could not keep his eyes off his soon-to-be bride for very long and how sweet it was. She was amiable and kind, and she gave no signs of faltering. He used her courage as inspiration and strength for his own.

  There was much dancing and celebration throughout the evening, and John hardly participated in any of it. He and Lady Agnes danced a few obligatory dances, which pleased everyone, and then they returned to their friends and family.

  Once everyone had had their fill of speaking to him, John found himself alone with his friends, many of whom were still single. He noticed for the first time since he had known them how often they watched the young, single ladies. He realized that he too had been the very same way until he had been reminded of his betrothal to Lady Agnes.

  Pretending that he was not particularly interested, he asked after who his friends were gawking at like fools.

  "Have you not seen her?"

  "She's quite the beauty!"

  "Who is it?" John asked, looking about.

  In unison, his friends all looked behind him, and he turned his gaze around to see who they meant.

  It was not hard to see who it was that they spoke of. She wore a lovely dress, the color of lavender and ivory, and her blonde hair that looked like pale gold was tied up in a shining knot at the nape of her neck. She was surrounded by men, and she seemed to glow with grace and poise.