Bleeding Heart

by AM Hartnett

  ‘I’m up! How the hell did you get in?’

  ‘I buzzed Mr Ross. He didn’t know I moved, so he let me right in.’

  Seth buried his face in his hands and groaned. ‘Fuck.’

  ‘So this is how it’s going to be, is it? You’re just going to sit around, stinking up the apartment? Nuh-uh. No way. I’m not that guy. I’m not your bro and I’m not your buddy. I’m not coming over here every time Evie gets a funny feeling after she calls you because you’re not “the usual Seth”.’

  His head already aching, Seth rubbed his eyes and looked up. ‘Tell her to get her thong out of a twist. I’m fine.’

  ‘So you’re intentionally going for that smell?’

  Seth tilted his head and scowled. ‘What the fuck is that on your face?’

  ‘Evie likes it,’ Ryan said as he ran his hand across the blonde fuzz on his face.

  ‘She probably doesn’t.’

  ‘Yeah, she does. A lot. I’m trying not to read too much into it. What’s your excuse for that mess on your face? Move. Move.’ Ryan shoved the cat out of Seth’s chair and plopped down.

  Seth brushed the hair around his mouth. A few crumbs pinged off the front of his T-shirt. He didn’t care. It had taken less than twenty-four hours to crash after he got it into his head that he was going to fix his life, and he crashed hard. He skipped the appointment Ryan had made for him with the grief counsellor. He didn’t bother going online to check out the nights those support groups met. He took off his pants and got horizontal, getting up only when he had to.

  He didn’t completely fall apart. Dishes didn’t pile up in the sink. He took out the garbage and cleaned out the litter box. He mowed the lawn, swept the lobby floor and vacuumed the halls.

  Then he went back into the apartment and got back on the sofa.

  ‘You better get dressed.’

  ‘Make me.’

  ‘That’s very mature. Very mature. You’re just going to sit here and feel sorry for yourself, is that it?’

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Ryan, shut up.’ Seth got up and went to the bathroom. He took a piss, then took a good look at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. Greasy hair. Beard needed a trim. Kind of a grey tinge to his skin.

  He didn’t care.

  He went to the kitchen, pulled out a Coke and chugged it as he watched Ryan hovering at the dining table. He cursed himself. If he hadn’t called Ryan that day, he would have been left in peace.

  Ryan picked up one of the ruined photos and peered at it. ‘So why didn’t you go to your appointment?’

  ‘None of your business.’

  ‘You talk to the woman upstairs?’

  ‘No.’ He set the can hard on the counter and marched to the table. He snatched the picture from Ryan’s fingers, and again when the other man picked up another. ‘Stop touching my shit.’

  Ryan leaned against the table and crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Is this how you want it? After two years, you’re just going to fall apart like this?’

  Seth ignored him and tucked the photos back into the misshapen pile on the table, then roughly bumped him on the way back to the living room.

  ‘This is what Rita would have wanted?’

  ‘Don’t start with that recycled garbage,’ Seth growled and sat back down. He dragged the afghan over his shoulders and reclined into the sofa’s edge.

  Ryan sighed and returned to the chair. He shook his head, and when he spoke the fight was gone.

  ‘Remember what you said to me that night on the fire escape, about how you watched the love of your life die in front of you for months? Let me tell you, nothing else stuck with me like that. I can’t even imagine…’ He paused and clasped his hands together, gaze to the floor. ‘I’m not going to pretend I’ve ever gone through anything like you’ve gone through. When Evie and I broke up, that was nothing.’

  Seth closed his eyes. ‘What’s your point?’

  ‘My point is, as bad as it is in your head right now, you know damn well that there’s something on the other side of it.’ He gestured upwards. ‘You were in a relationship. You liked that woman a lot, enough to cry your eyes out over her when you let her go. You wanted to get help so you could be, your words, better than she deserved. What happened?’

  Seth kept his eyes closed as tears burned behind his lids. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t know if he could talk about it with his throat closed like this.

  He shook his head and swallowed hard.

  ‘I can’t hear Rita any more.’

  There was a long silence. ‘What?’

  ‘I used to hear her,’ Seth said, and tapped his temple. ‘In my head. All the time. I don’t mean she was really talking to me. I’m not fucking nuts. It’s just the voice in my head became hers.’

  ‘And you don’t hear it any more?’

  ‘Not since the day I called you. It’s like she just went away.’

  He opened his eyes, and through the blur of tears he recognised the puzzlement on Ryan’s face. He sighed and shook his head.

  ‘When I talked so big in the car, I thought I’d still have her with me. If I fucked up again, she’d call me on it. I could get through this and make things right with April. I could do anything, as long as I had that voice in my head telling me I was doing all right. I’ve been listening to that voice for two years. Now…’ He covered his face and his head felt like it was going to explode. ‘I don’t hear anything. I have a voice in my head and it’s my voice.’

  Ryan sighed. ‘That’s not a bad thing, man. That’s actually what you want to happen.’

  ‘No, it’s not. How in the hell am I supposed to do all that shit without her?’

  ‘Whether you want to admit it or not, you’ve been doing shit without her for a long time.’ Ryan got up and took the seat next to Seth. He didn’t reach out and touch him, thank Christ; that would have gotten him another punch. ‘Make another appointment. Jane said she’ll fit you in whenever you’re ready.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Seth said. ‘I’d rather stay here and rot.’

  ‘That’s up to you, but you’re not going to feel any better, and that’s not going to be how you’ll get your girl back.’

  ‘She doesn’t want me.’

  ‘Like this, I don’t blame her, but it might not be too late. Come on, get up and get in the shower.’

  ‘I don’t smell that bad,’ Seth grumbled.

  ‘You are ripe.’

  Seth didn’t want to get up, but once Ryan went to the bathroom and ran the water, he didn’t feel like fighting it. He’d play it by ear. He’d get washed and then see how he felt.

  ‘Have you talked to her?’ Ryan asked upon his return, gesturing to the ceiling.

  ‘That doesn’t really fit in with my plan of sitting here and becoming a part of the sofa. She’d probably slam the door in my face anyway.’ Seth took the afghan with him and dumped it in the hamper, along with his cruddy clothes. He didn’t bother with modesty in front of Ryan and walked naked, to the bathroom.

  Once he was in the shower and under the spray, Seth bowed his head and let the water pummel between his shoulder blades, then reached for his shampoo.

  Ryan hovered on the other side of the shower curtain. ‘Do you love her?’

  Seth didn’t answer until he had scrubbed his itchy scalp and reached for his soap.

  ‘I started to. I don’t think I was all the way there yet, but that’s where it was going.’ He closed his eyes as he worked his hands into a lather. ‘She’s never going to speak to me again.’

  ‘She’s, what, a month and some change into her lease? You’ve still got almost a whole year to change her mind.’

  ‘Right, I’ll stalk her until she falls madly in love with me.’

  ‘Hey, it worked for me,’ Ryan joked. ‘Listen, I’m going to go toss your disgusting shit into the wash. You going to be OK?’

  Seth snorted. ‘Well, darling, I might need you to scrub my back for me, but I should be able to handle cleaning mysel
f. Shut the door, would you?’

  With Ryan’s exit, Seth put the soap back in its dish and leaned forward against the tile.

  Nothing. No voice chastising him for spending the last week wallowing in his own misery. No voice calling him an asshole. Just the sound of the water gushing overhead and the pain in his head.

  Worse, he was starting to get used to it. It happened about three o’clock in the morning when he woke up on the sofa to the television flickering. He didn’t immediately notice the absence of the voice. What got him was the creaking overhead as April moved about.

  He sat there wondering what was keeping her up. Was she pacing the floor thinking about him? Did she have a bad day at work? Did her mother get on her case about something?

  Even at that hour and as awful as he sounded, he itched to reach for his phone and text her. She’d make him feel better just by being there. He had no doubt about it, but he couldn’t do that to her. He didn’t want to use her just to feel better about himself.

  Deep down, he knew he’d move on from Rita. There was nothing else for him to do. But April? How was he supposed to get over that? How the hell was he going to make it almost an entire year under the same roof – if she stayed, that is – knowing she was up there and he couldn’t have her because he had fucked up?

  Don’t think about it, he told himself, and the sound of his own voice in his head startled him as it had for the last few days. Think about tomorrow. Ryan is right. Get out of the shower, put on your clothes and just get through the rest of today, and the next day, and as long as it takes.

  Stepping back under the spray, he let the water wash away fresh tears.

  He hoped it didn’t take so long that he’d miss his chance to make it up to her.

  It was bound to happen eventually. Just as she passed by, Seth’s door opened, and April’s stomach flopped.

  In that split second, she tried to think of something to say to him that wouldn’t betray how hurt she still was by their whole affair. She worried she’d tell him that she was in love with him and that she’d grovel, and that he’d look at her with that same sad apology before closing himself in again.

  Instead of Seth, though, a woman came through the door. Pretty, petite, and all smiles, and April’s pride took another hit.

  Maybe it was just a lie, that whole thing about needing time. Maybe he had just wanted to get rid of her so he could go back to no-strings sex with women who looked like this.

  Looking away quickly, April raced up the next set of stairs.

  ‘Hey, hang on a sec!’

  The woman followed behind her, but April didn’t stop until she reached her landing. She just pretended she didn’t hear the footsteps, or the laughter that followed.

  ‘Do you remember me?’ the woman asked, jogging to catch up with April. ‘I’m Evie. I used to live here.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, I do,’ April said, and her spirits sank a little more as she regarded the woman.

  Evie, who used to live in 3B, who had moved away with the gorgeous blond, who had been Seth’s fuck buddy before they’d moved out.

  April wanted to die.

  No, she wanted to push the woman down the stairs and then throw herself over the edge.

  ‘I was just checking in on Seth,’ Evie explained, and looked down at the keys April held in her hand. ‘Can we talk for a minute? Inside?’

  ‘I’m actually in a hurry, sorry,’ April replied quickly, and flipped her hair – dyed back to a close match to her original colour – over her shoulder.

  Her unwanted visitor took the hint and tossed it over her own shoulder like a crumpled piece of paper. ‘It’ll only take a minute.’ Evie smiled and took a long look at the door.

  April pressed her lips together and nodded.

  Once inside, she left Evie standing by the front door and zipped to the fridge to put away her groceries. She put on the kettle. She didn’t ask if Evie preferred tea or coffee. Part of her hoped that the other woman hated tea, so she wouldn’t linger long enough for an entire cup.

  ‘No mail has come for you,’ she called as she dropped two bags into twin cups, ‘in case that’s why you’re here.’

  Evie finished her disbelieving look around the space she once called home and stepped forward.

  ‘That’s not why I’m here. Like I said, I was just down for a visit with Seth.’

  April sighed and leaned against the counter, arms folded. She really wasn’t in the mood for this shit.

  ‘OK, let’s be clear about one thing,’ she said without bothering to disguise her annoyance. ‘This is none of your business, even if he told you everything, which I suspect he did. This is my business. You are not my friend. We are not going to have a chat over tea and cookies. I don’t care who you are.’

  Evie raised her brows. ‘Wow. You’re kind of bitchy. I can see why he likes you.’

  ‘Liked me. Past tense.’

  ‘Hey, you do know he’s been having a hard time, right?’

  April rolled her eyes to the ceiling. ‘I don’t care to hear about it. It’s over. I was dumped. I don’t need to hear how dumping me has affected him.’

  She knew she sounded bratty. She didn’t care. It had taken her a week to stop crying and get mad, and she wasn’t going to let this woman change that.

  Evie sighed and took a seat at the little table. ‘What can I say? He’s just as bad as the rest of them.’

  April raised her brows, and Evie laughed and shrugged out of her coat.

  ‘I didn’t believe it until he started up with you. I always thought he was perfect and that eventually he’d find the right woman and things would just click. I was going to blame you, but after listening to him make excuses down there I’m pretty sure he’s the one who needs to get his shit together and not the other way around.’

  ‘That’s the problem,’ April muttered. ‘I don’t know how to deal with something like that.’

  ‘Who does, and why should you? Look, I wasn’t here when his wife was around, but my boyfriend was. He says it was bad. Rita was always so strong, and then she just wasted away. Then there was Seth, trying to carry on as usual while his wife died a little more every day. She put up a fight and I think part of him thought she would get through it, even at the end, but then she didn’t get through it. And there was Seth again, still trying to carry on as usual. Alone.’

  ‘Why are you telling me this?’

  ‘Because I’m pretty sure that he’s in love with you.’

  April went still as the shock bled through her, and when it washed away the anger came. ‘You think I want to hear this from you? If that’s true, he can come up here and tell me.’

  ‘I think he will, but I don’t think you’ll wait that long.’

  ‘You’re right. I won’t.’ April returned to the kitchen and unplugged the kettle. She didn’t get the tea. She wanted this woman out of her apartment before she cried. She kept her back to Evie as she went on. ‘I know it’s hard for him. He hid it really well when we were together, and when it came out it came pouring out, but him having tragedy in his life doesn’t mean he gets a pass for jerking me around.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s what he was doing.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry, but you don’t get to have an opinion.’ She turned and held onto the countertop to keep herself in place instead of pushing Evie out like she wanted to. ‘I know you’re his friend. I know you’ve known him a long time, and I know that your relationship in the past has been complicated, but that doesn’t give you the right to come up here and, what? Tell me to be patient? To put my life on hold because you think he’s in love with me?’

  At April’s not-so-subtle quip about Evie’s history with Seth, the other woman went rigid and pressed her lips together, and April suspected that she had made an enemy for life.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Evie said with a shrug. ‘I just want you to think about it when he eventually comes back up here and asks for a second chance, and I think he’s going to do it. He really thinks you�
�re something special, and if I were you I wouldn’t shut the door in his face.’

  April shook her head. ‘You’re not me, and I’m not waiting for any man.’

  ‘Right. Then I guess I’ll be going.’ Evie went to the door and grasped the knob, then turned back. ‘I like what you’ve done with the place.’

  Looking away, April held onto the counter and seethed.

  She could muster all the sympathy in the world for Seth. When she was willing to admit to it, she could acknowledge that her bruised pride was nothing compared to what he was going through. Even now, if he had asked, she probably would have taken his hand and helped him through it.

  But life wasn’t that tidy. He was right. He had to get sorted on his own. She didn’t have to like it, and she didn’t, but that’s the way things had to be.

  And she wouldn’t wait around for him, even if a big part of her wanted to. She knew how that would go: she’d sit at home and wait, and wait, and wait, and then one day she’d see him walk through the lobby with another woman and she’d realise that moving on for him meant without her, and she’d be left feeling stupid.

  April made tea, took it and sat down on the sofa, then pulled out her phone and opened her dating app.

  Her friends had urged her to sign up. She’d been evasive about her affair with Seth and even more so with the breakup, but they’d gotten the hint and promptly urged her to get back on the horse and find someone new.

  Swipe, swipe, swipe.

  There were more than enough hot young men she could run out and have a satisfying fling with, though she hadn’t answered any of the messages in her inbox. Nice smiles and common interests did nothing for her. None of them had the allure of the man downstairs.

  But she kept swiping and she knew that eventually she’d agree to a coffee date in the hope that one would cause that same kick in her chest that she had gotten whenever she ran into Seth.

  Then she wouldn’t think about him just one floor below, grappling his demons, left bruised or maybe besting them while she sat there pretending she didn’t care.

  Chapter Fifteen

  When the elevator door opened, Seth froze at the sight of her at the mailboxes.