I’m protecting her, I try and convince myself, even though I feel more like a coward than a hero.
I call for Pax to follow me when I open the door. Needing to escape the pressure that’s building inside of me.
Because I know this isn’t just about protecting Kiley.
It’s about my own demons. My own fear of giving my heart to another woman who’ll just crush it again. And falling in love with Kiley isn’t just reckless. It could ruin us both.
Chapter Two
Kiley
When sunlight begins to fill my bedroom, I groan into my pillow. I didn’t sleep a minute last night. Mostly because I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. The way Blake’s lips felt against mine. The way his hands roamed my body. And the way my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest when he’d left.
I’d finally told him what I wanted, and he walked away. But not before I’d seen the flash of regret in his eyes. But maybe he’s right. We’re both too broken.
As much as I want his arms wrapped around me, to believe that he’ll protect me, to tell him everything, I know the truth. He’d run straight to my brother, and my ass would be out on the streets again.
A cold chill races through my body, and I feel a surge of panic build inside me as memories slam into my mind without warning.
His face.
Her cries.
My pain.
My guilt.
I sit up and dig my palms into my eyes, wishing I could scrub the memory from my brain. But not even time can erase what can’t be undone. I head to the shower, stepping in before checking the temperature. It burns. And I let it. Let the hot water scald me until the phantom fingers are no longer scratching at my skin.
When I step out and wrap a towel around my body, I catch my reflection in the mirror. Red, raw skin. Haunted eyes. A dark bruise on my arm where Cruz had wrapped his fingers around me yesterday. I swallow hard, remembering the threat that he whispered before disappearing.
I’d lied to Blake when I said the debt was paid. It’ll never be paid. Because no amount of money will ever make up for what I did. And Cruz will never let me forget.
I’ll never be free.
Not when he holds her hostage.
“Kiley?” my sister-in-law’s voice yells from the hallway. “Are you here?”
Shit. I forgot I was supposed to be watching my nephew today.
“Hey,” I call out, blinking away the memories. “I’m just changing. I’ll be right there.”
I pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, then brush out my damp hair before meeting her in the living room.
Noah runs on wobbly legs when he sees me, chubby arms reaching out for me. “Kai-ee.”
A huge grin stretches across my face as I pick him up. “Look at how fast you’re getting.”
Brynne lets out a half sigh, half laugh. “You have no idea. I swear I’m about ready to cave and buy one of those kid leashes.”
“Don’t you dare,” I say, chuckling.
“He wants to run everywhere. Including the supermarket. Yesterday, I put him down for a second and he managed to cause a full-on collision between two shopping carts and a poor old lady in one of those mechanical scooters.”
“Trouble maker.” I tickle Noah and he gives a full belly laugh.
“I really appreciate you watching him for me.”
I let Noah down when he starts to squirm in my arms. He immediately goes straight to the only non-baby proofed thing in my apartment, a pair of scissors that I left on the coffee table when I’d been cutting out fabric for the new dress I’ve been working on.
I grab the scissors before he can, and when he starts to cry, I hand him a floppy-eared elephant from the box of toys I keep beside the couch.
Brynne holds up the half-finished sundress. “I love this color. I still can’t believe you make all your own clothes. I can barely sew a button onto Kane’s shirt.”
“It’s nothing. That pattern is pretty simple.”
“Simple for you. I don’t even know how to use a sewing machine.”
“I can teach you.”
She smiles. “I’d like that. You never told me how you learned.”
I shrug. “One of my foster moms taught me. Once I got okay at it, it was my job to make clothes for me and the other kids in the house.”
“That’s a big responsibility.”
“I guess. But I liked it. And honestly, it was one of the best homes I was in. Gloria was a saint compared to...” I blink away the images of some of my least favorite foster parents.
I wonder how different things would have turned out if Gloria hadn’t gotten sick and couldn’t take care of us anymore. As used to change as I was, I hated leaving that house, but I think it was harder on her than us kids when they came to take us away.
Brynne places a hand on my arm and gives a small squeeze. “If you ever want to talk about things, I can be a good listener.”
I force a smile and turn away, not wanting to see the compassion in her eyes. Because I don’t deserve it. “Not much to talk about.” Nothing good anyway.
But those years were a hell of a lot better than the ones that came after.
“Aren’t you going to be late?” I sit down on the floor beside Noah, who’s dumped the basket of toys and traded in the elephant for a shiny, yellow Tonka truck.
“Yeah, I should go.” Except Brynne doesn’t move, and I feel her watching me. “Have you thought about taking some fashion courses at the college? We’d be more than happy to pay if you want to apply.”
“Thank you. But you and Kane are already doing so much for me.”
“We’re family, Kiley. It’s nothing.”
Except it’s everything. And if she had any idea of who I really am, I know she wouldn’t be looking at me the way she is now. And she definitely wouldn’t leave me alone with her son.
But I’ve changed.
Liar, a voice inside my head yells.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to be that person. I can’t change who I am. Selfish. Liar. Murderer. Every harmful action. Every careless mistake. They’re carved into my soul.
The only thing I can do now is try to right my wrongs and hope to hell my secrets are never revealed.
Chapter Three
Blake
“Starowics,” Coach yells at me from the bench, his face red with frustration as I skate toward him.
I know the lecture that’s coming. And I also know I deserve it. It’s only the start of the third period, and I’ve already let in four soft goals, one that I’m sure will be blasted on every sports bloopers episode for the next year. So I’m not surprised when he pulls me off the ice and puts in the second string goalie.
Alone in the locker room, I curse under my breath, knowing I need to get my head straight. It’s been a week since I kissed Kiley. A week of pretending like it didn’t change everything.
It had. More than I ever imagined one simple kiss could.
Except it wasn’t simple. It had gutted me, fucked with my head, and I’ve been spinning out of control since.
I’ve been fighting my attraction for her, swearing to myself that I wouldn’t give in to it. Because I knew that once I gave into my needs that I’d never be able to let her go. When I’m with her, I’m way too close to giving in to the illusion of forever and love, and all that other bullshit that can destroy a person.
An illusion I promised myself I’d never be the victim of again.
The buzzer sounds and a few moments later, the guys start piling into the locker room. Kane comes in last after a short post-game interview, no doubt giving the media some excuse for my fuck ups and putting the loss on the defense and not where it should be - on me.
When Kane starts undressing and glances over at me, brows drawn down, I see the concern in his eyes and know I’m not walking away from this one without one of his infamous inquisitions.
I rub the back of my neck and wince.
Kane isn’t the only one watching
me.
I might not be as young or quick as I used to be, but normally I’m reliable, a brick wall that doesn’t let weak goals in.
They have every right to be worried. We’re on a four-game losing streak that’s mostly my fault. Not that any of the guys have the balls to say it to my face, but I see it in their eyes, the accusations, the concerns, the disappointment.
Coach, on the other hand, doesn’t hold back on pointing fingers. And by the time his rant is over, I feel like complete shit.
My normal post-game adrenaline feels more like a murky high as I undress, shower, then head to the hotel where the team is staying. I go straight to the bar and order a double scotch, neat, downing the amber liquid in a single swallow. The bartender pours me another and I’m about to slam it back when Kane sits down on the stool beside me.
I knew he’d find me here.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks, ordering a beer.
“Nothing,” I mutter, dragging a hand through my hair.
He grunts. “You’ve been off all week. Heard coach talking about benching you the next game and starting Tovey.”
I shrug. “The kid needs more experience.”
Kane hisses under his breath. “Are you trying to get traded? Because you know with the new GM, all of our asses are on the chopping block if we’re not on top of our game.”
I wince, draining the contents of my glass, the truth of his words cutting deep. “Maybe a change would be a good thing.”
Kane studies me for a moment, his frown deepening. “I know I’ve been busy with Brynne and Noah lately, but if something is wrong, you can talk to me.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I lie, rubbing my palm over the scruff on my jaw and staring into my empty glass.
“Bullshit. I haven’t seen you like this since... Emily.”
I glance over at him. “This has nothing to do with her.”
Kane sighs. “You sure? I saw on the news that she just had another baby. It makes sense that you’d be upset—”
“I don’t give two shits what Emily does.” It’s the truth. Five years ago, the woman had gutted me. I’d had our whole future planned out. Marriage. Kids. But then she’d screwed our left-winger and two months later they were married.
Coach traded the bastard the next year, but I had to watch them together for half a season. Even got a fucking invite to their wedding. I didn’t go. But the temptation had been there. To get shit-faced and revenge screw one of her bridesmaids, or better yet, her sister.
Kane was the one who’d talked me out of it.
I’d gone through a string of women afterward. Got a pretty good reputation with the puck bunnies for meaningless one-night stands. But that novelty wore off quickly. Meaningless sex was just that - meaningless.
So I started to find meaning in other things, like charities and fundraisers... and my dogs.
I can’t even remember the last time I got laid.
Maybe that’s my problem.
Why I can’t get that kiss out of my head.
Even as I think it, I know the truth. Kiley consumed my thoughts way before I kissed her. The only difference now is I know how good she tastes.
“So this isn’t about a woman?” Kane asks, a small smirk tugging at his lips.
I sometimes forget how well he knows me.
When I don’t answer, he chuckles.
“Okay, well at least that’s something I can understand. Didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”
“I’m not.”
“Ah,” he says knowingly. “She’s playing hardball?”
“It’s Kiley,” I say, the words spilling from my lips before I can clamp my mouth over them.
Kane’s smile fades, brows drawing down. “What do you mean, it’s... Kiley?” His eyes narrow, suspicion there. “What did she do?”
It shouldn’t surprise me that his first thought is that she’s caused some kind of trouble. He’s always quick to think the worst of her.
“She didn’t do anything. I did.”
The line between his brows deepens. And I know I’m about to piss my best friend off with what I’m about to confess. But I hate secrets. I’ve never been good at keeping them. Especially not from Kane.
“What exactly is it you did?” His voice is steady, but I can hear the restraint in it.
Eyes closed, I let out an uneven breath. “I kissed her.”
I wait for Kane’s response, expecting him to freak out. Maybe even hit me. But I’m met with silence. I open my eyes and look at him. He’s still frowning, but the anger I expect isn’t there, just concern.
“And?” he asks.
“And what?”
“You kissed her. I assume there’s an and.”
I shake my head. “And nothing. I stopped it. And it won’t happen again.”
“Okay.” He scrubs a hand over his face.
“I’d never hurt her.”
“It’s not her I’m worried about.”
“Maybe you should be,” I say, a little too gruffly, causing Kane’s brows to raise.
Standing, I pull out my credit card and slam it on the bar, giving the bartender a tight smile when he takes it, then turning back to Kane. “You don’t have to worry about any of this. I just didn’t want to keep secrets from you. And it’s not going to happen again.”
He sighs. “It’s none of my business who you or Kiley hook up with.”
“I’m not hooking up with her.” I sign my bill, then put my credit card back in my wallet.
“I’m just saying, if you’re looking for my permission, you don’t need it. You’re both adults.”
Whatever reaction I’d been expecting, this isn’t it.
Kane chuckles. “Don’t look so surprised. Brynne predicted this months ago.”
“Predicted what? Nothing else is going to happen.”
He cocks his head, still smirking. “Okay.”
“I’m serious. It was a one-time thing.”
“Okay.”
“Stop saying that.”
He laughs. “Okay.”
I curse under my breath, not sure why I’m the one pissed off. It was supposed to be him upset. And in a way, I was kind of hoping he would be. That he’d warn me off Kiley.
It would make things easier.
Bullshit. There’s nothing easy staying away from her. But this whole thing is more complicated than just getting Kane’s approval.
“Who knows,” he says, chuckling. “Maybe one day you’ll be my brother-in-law.” I’m about to argue with him, but his phone starts ringing. “It’s Brynne. Need to take this.”
I glower at his back as he walks away, not sure how our conversation went from me confessing I kissed Kiley, to us getting hitched. But the thought makes my chest constrict. Not in a bad way. In a way that gives me an ounce of hope.
Until I remember every reason why we can’t be together.
Secrets. So many damn secrets that I can see her being crushed under the weight of them.
I can’t fall for someone I can’t trust, and I can’t trust someone who doesn’t trust me.
This past week I’d tried to put distance between us.
Thought it would help clear my head. Make me forget the taste of her lips, the feel of her body pressed against mine, the way those blue eyes that are usually so cautious dropped their guard when she looked at me.
Being away from her has been torture.
And if anything, it’s only made me want her more.
She makes me want things. Feel things. And no matter how hard I’ve tried to keep my shields intact, I know there’s no running from this. She’s too important.
Maybe it’s not Kiley’s sense of self-preservation that I need to worry about. Because even as my head tries to fight it, I know it’s a battle I’m not going to win.
Chapter Four
Kiley
Cold wind whips around me, and I shiver when I step out of the supermarket and little flakes of snow flutter around me. Juggling the bag of groceri
es in one arm, I zip up my jacket. I don’t see the small body that’s huddled against the wall, and I stumble over the worn boots that stick out of old newspapers the girl has wrapped around her.
Dark, tangled hair hangs over her gaunt face and she holds out a hand, the thin gloves she’s wearing full of holes. “Can you spare any change?” she asks through chattering teeth, her lips tinged blue from the cold.
My heart squeezes in my chest, remembering nights when I’d been forced to ask for money just to eat.
“It’s supposed to get cold tonight,” I say, glancing at the thin sweater she’s wearing. “Do you have someplace to go?”
She nods, but I see the uncertainty in her eyes.
“Here.” I put the groceries down beside her, then start to unzip my jacket. I’m only wearing a t-shirt underneath and when I take the jacket off, the snowflakes feel like little pins pricking at my skin when they land on my bare skin.
“You’re sure?” she asks, hesitantly accepting the jacket.
I nod, trying not to show how freezing I am. But, I’m only a block away from my warm, oversized apartment.
“There’s a shelter over on Madison Street, just north of the bridge,” I tell her. “I don’t have a car, but there’s twenty dollars in the pocket if you want to take a bus.”
“Thank you.”
I nod and start to jog back home. I wish I could have given the girl more, some kind of advice or words of reassurance that things will get better, but I know the downward spiral of being homeless. The judgment from the world. If it wasn’t for Kane... for Blake, I’d still be that girl, trapped in the vicious cycle of poverty.
Instead, I’m living in one of the poshest apartments in the city, with an allowance that allows me to buy anything I need.
Initially I’d fought Kane about accepting anything from him. I didn’t want him thinking I reached out to him because of his money. He was already suspicious of me.
But then the calls started.
At first they weren’t threats. And when Amy asked for help, I’d jumped at the chance to redeem myself. I’d taken the money Kane put in my bank account and given it to her.
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