Affliction ab-22

by Laurell K. Hamilton

  ‘Is it, ma petite? I miss him and yet I do not believe he has learned the lesson we wished to teach him. He waxed quite eloquent on the phone about his new man and how he is denied nothing from this new werehyena.’

  I tried to move back so I could see his face, but he held me in place. I didn’t fight it, because sometimes he did that when he wasn’t certain he could control his facial expression. The older vampires saw an unguarded expression as something that could be potentially dangerous to them. Centuries of having been punished for the wrong look at the wrong time had taught most of them to hide what they truly felt. Jean-Claude had told me once that it was actually an effort to show emotion. I think that ceased to be true as he got metaphysically closer to all his warm-blooded servants like me. We’d given him some of our warmth, but it had cost him some of his hard-won control.

  ‘I didn’t realize it was a werehyena,’ I said, with my cheek cradled against his chest.

  ‘Yes, but he is not the leader of the local hyenas, just the prettiest boy to fall under Asher’s spell.’ He sounded tired.

  ‘Did Asher seducing this werehyena piss off the leader of their pack?’

  ‘Their leader is a woman, and because I sent Asher to her city, he seems to have taken it as a hint that I wanted him to be more heterosexual.’

  ‘Which means he did just the opposite and went for just the guys,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, much better than that; he seduced her and then ignored her for this new man.’

  I rose up, and this time he let me. ‘Holy shit, was he trying to get himself killed?’

  Jean-Claude stepped back, shaking his head. ‘If he had not been my envoy, the leader, Dulcia, would have made an example of Asher. She called me about a month ago to tell me of his misdeeds.’

  ‘Hyena society is matriarchal, which is why Narcissus won’t let women in his clan. He’s afraid a woman will automatically take over just like with real wild hyenas.’

  ‘I know all that, ma petite.’

  ‘But maybe Asher doesn’t,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t do the research that you, me, Micah, Nathaniel, hell, Nicky, everyone does. Narcissus doesn’t run his group like most of hyena society, and if they’re the only hyenas Asher has spent any time with, maybe he didn’t know how dangerous they could be.’

  Jean-Claude seemed to think about that for a moment, and then nodded. ‘Very wise, ma petite; you may be right. Asher was always a weapon to be aimed at someone, or something, by our mistress, Belle Morte. I began as a mere weapon in her arsenal, but I learned to ask more questions and find more answers. Asher was content to follow her plans and then mine.’

  ‘Yeah, he’s not a planner,’ I said.

  ‘I fear not,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘He’s powerful enough to be master of his own territory, Jean-Claude, but he doesn’t have the temperament for it.’

  ‘No, he does not.’

  ‘He’s never going to,’ I said.

  We looked at each other, just a look, but it was enough. ‘Either I have to allow Dulcia to kill him for the insult, or I must order him home to us.’

  I shook my head. ‘We can’t let her kill him.’

  ‘No,’ he said.

  ‘How long ago did he fuck up this badly?’

  ‘Not quite a month.’

  ‘So he was well behaved for almost five months, and then suddenly he starts trying to commit suicide by werehyena?’

  ‘It would seem so.’

  ‘We originally exiled him for a month, then stretched it to three, because you said he was making a diplomatic success of it.’

  ‘He was, and none of us believed he had learned to value home and his loved ones, so I decided to keep him there for a bit longer.’

  ‘I remember, you were thinking of bringing him home for at least a visit at the six-month mark. You, all of us, hoped that six months away would make him value what he had here with us, and maybe even make him want to try therapy for his jealousy issues and the violent temper that goes with it.’

  ‘All that is very true, ma petite.’

  ‘But he didn’t know that he only had another month to behave himself and we’d call him home,’ I said.

  ‘No,’ he said.

  ‘So when five months of good behavior didn’t get him what he wanted, he decided to act out like some kind of stupid teenager.’

  ‘There is a part of him that will always be a foolish child. I do not know why, but he has always been so.’

  ‘If he can’t get attention for being good, he’ll get attention for being bad,’ I said.

  ‘Very, very true, ma petite.’

  ‘So, Asher hasn’t learned a damned thing, and now if we bring him home the bad behavior does get rewarded. Behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated, Jean-Claude.’

  ‘What would you have me do, ma petite? You say you will not allow Dulcia to kill him for the insult. After he has harmed all the good diplomatic work that Micah did with Dulcia’s group, I do not believe that our leopard king will allow Asher to simply be moved to another city.’

  ‘Moving the problem around doesn’t fix it, Jean-Claude.’

  ‘No, no, it does not.’ He leaned against the wall and rubbed his fingers on his temples, as if he were getting a headache. I don’t think I’d ever seen him make that gesture or known him to have a headache.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘no, I am not. If I did not love Asher, then we could simply let his own actions seal his fate, because in his present mood he will keep pushing until someone pushes back.’

  ‘How do we push back?’ I asked.

  ‘I do not know. I wish I did not love him.’

  ‘Ditto,’ I said.

  He looked at me then. ‘You do not love him as you love me, or Micah, or Nathaniel. I’m not even certain you care for him as you care for Nicky, or Cynric. What is he to you, ma petite?’

  ‘I do love Asher, but I know that some of my deeper feelings for him are a reflection of you and how much you love him, so I honestly can’t always tell where my emotions stop and yours start when it comes to him.’

  ‘I am sorry for that. I would not have you tormented by mon chardonneret. One of us so bewitched and bothered is enough.’

  ‘He’s not my goldfinch; that’s your pet name for him. He tried to get me to call him master in the bedroom like Nathaniel does, but you’re the only person on this planet that I’ll call master, and even then only if you need me to do it for vampire politics.’

  ‘Did he truly believe you would call him master, simply because he dominated you in the bedroom and dungeon?’

  ‘Maybe, or maybe it was just Asher testing his limits, seeing how far he could push me.’

  Jean-Claude nodded. ‘That is very him, unfortunately. He must always see how far he can push a relationship. It is a sign of insecurity and of his perverse nature.’

  ‘Like you said, unfortunately.’

  We stood there in silence for a minute, and then I said, ‘We know all this bad stuff about Asher. He’s just confirmed that he’s learned nothing in exile, and he’ll still be a shit when he comes home.’

  ‘Yes,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘So why are we even talking about letting him come back to St Louis?’

  ‘Because if we do not get him out of Dulcia’s territory she will eventually kill him, because he will keep pushing at her until she breaks or we call him home.’

  ‘Does Asher understand that if she breaks, she’ll kill him and worry about the power fallout later?’

  ‘Dulcia fears us, ma petite. She fears making an enemy of the first vampire king of America.’

  ‘Does she fear us enough to keep eating Asher’s insults?’

  ‘I do not know her well enough to answer that question, but I do know Asher. He is relentless once he decides to be cruel, and he has a true talent for finding that which will alienate, humiliate, or terrify someone.’

  ‘I have a few memories from you, just glimpses of Asher raping pe
ople as entertainment for Belle’s court.’

  ‘I was forced to help in some of those entertainments, ma petite, or risk taking the place of the prisoner. I chose to be the predator to escape being the victim.’

  ‘Asher didn’t have to be threatened to do it, though, did he?’ I asked.

  ‘He delighted in cruelty once. He is better than that now, but the part of him that enjoys giving pain and fear is still inside him. He has found tame avenues for his interests in the bedroom and the bondage and submission games. He understands now that he must play safe, sane, and consensual here with us.’

  ‘Do you think part of him misses getting to do some of it for real?’ I asked.

  ‘How can you ask that about someone that you love?’

  ‘The only part of love that is blind is that first rush of endorphins and craziness; after that wears off, no one knows you as honestly, warts and all, as the people who love you, truly love you.’

  ‘I have found many people over the centuries who stay blind to the faults of their lovers.’

  ‘True love means you love the real person, not an ideal that you have in your head and superimpose over them. That’s illusion and lies to me.’

  ‘But if the lovers are happy in their illusion and lies, what then, ma petite? Does it cease to be true love because lies are necessary for it to continue?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  He looked at me, surprised and not trying to hide it. ‘Some mystery is needed for love to survive, ma petite. If we knew everything about each other, surely the burden of our crimes, or doubts, would destroy us.’

  ‘We know Asher is a perverse, cruel, sadistic bastard, but we still love him.’

  ‘I do not think I would like you to list my faults so clearly. I think it would pain me to know you see me so clearly and so harshly.’

  I smiled at him. ‘You have faults, and so do I, but your good points outnumber your bad by a lot. We can’t say the same for Asher.’

  ‘He is beautiful,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘Very,’ I said, ‘and an amazing top in the dungeon. Since he was my first, I didn’t really understand how hard it is to find someone who enjoys being as edgy as I like for bondage, and there’s no one else sane that comes close to Nathaniel’s needs in the area.’

  ‘Our kitten can be quite frightening in his needs.’

  ‘And that’s it; it frightens you and me, we don’t enjoy topping Nathaniel to a point that satisfies him, but Asher does. In fact, I’m not sure I entirely trust the two of them alone without extra rules from me or you.’

  ‘I believe it is that edge of danger that delights them both with each other,’ Jean-Claude said.

  I nodded. ‘Agreed.’

  ‘So he is beautiful and good in the dungeon, but that is hardly virtue enough to offset his vices.’

  ‘True, but he’s also a fabulous lover even without the BDSM,’ I said.

  Jean-Claude looked away as if he had to control his face for a moment before he turned back to me. ‘Yes.’ It was one word, but it was enough. There was almost pain in his yes.

  ‘You think it’s a bad idea to bring him home,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t you?’ he asked.

  We stood there looking at each other. I finally said, ‘Yeah, I do.’

  ‘Logic would dictate that we leave Asher to his fate,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘You mean let Dulcia kill him?’

  He gave a small nod. His face was very careful as he looked at me. He showed nothing, but the very lack of emotion spoke volumes.

  ‘You’re leaving the decision up to me, aren’t you?’ I asked.

  ‘I have been in thrall to his beauty and his cruelty for centuries, ma petite. I cannot rule him as he needs.’

  ‘I can’t let someone else kill him.’

  His eyes widened fractionally. ‘I do not like that phrasing, ma petite.’

  ‘Me either, but when he hit Cynric hard enough to knock him out I thought he’d broken his neck, and damage to the spine can act like decapitation for both vampires and wereanimals. If he had killed Cynric even by accident I would have shot him, Jean-Claude. I would have shot him and I wouldn’t have shot to wound.’

  ‘That you are strong enough to do it, I have no doubt, but that you could live with it afterward, that I do doubt.’

  ‘I’ve been thinking about that since Asher left. I know I would have done it. I know that he could still push me far enough that I would do it, but I think it would break something in me that wouldn’t heal. Hell, shooting Ares – knowing that I had brought him into harm’s way. I practically fed him to the big bad vampire, and then I killed Ares. I loved, but I wasn’t in love with Haven, but it killed a part of me to look down the barrel of a gun and shoot him.’

  Jean-Claude moved toward me, but I waved him off. ‘No, just no,’ I said.

  ‘What can I do, ma petite?’ he asked.

  ‘You’ve just told me that you believe Asher will need killing and that you can’t do it. You’ve just told me that it’s my job, if it has to be done.’

  ‘You do not have to do it either. We can let him behave badly and simply let him be a weakness for both of us. I cannot fault you for being no stronger in the face of his cruel beauty than I myself.’

  I shook my head. ‘You bastard, you know I can’t do that.’

  ‘Being who you are, no,’ he said, softly.

  ‘What are we saying then, Jean-Claude?’

  ‘Our wise leopard king says we should bring him home, because too many of us miss him.’

  ‘He didn’t just say that,’ I said.

  Jean-Claude smiled. ‘No, he said that we either let Dulcia kill him, or we get him the hell out of her territory so he can try to salvage the goodwill he had built up with her and her hyena clan.’

  ‘Nathaniel misses him terribly.’

  ‘As does our Devil,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘Even Richard misses having someone to dominate in the bedroom. It gives him somewhere for his darkness to be aimed. He’s been more moody without Asher to play with and abuse.’

  ‘Mon lupe is surprisingly talented as a dominant.’

  ‘He’s trying to embrace all of himself, and part of him really enjoys tormenting Asher with both floggers and whips and sexual denial. Asher loves being the first guy on to deflower a heterosexual man, and Richard enjoys flaunting himself with Asher and never letting Asher touch him.’

  ‘They do seem to fill a need in each other, as does Asher for Nathaniel, and you, ma petite.’

  ‘And you,’ I said.

  ‘And Narcissus, our own hyena leader, pines for Asher.’

  ‘So he fills needs that no one else fills for a lot of us,’ I said.

  ‘It would seem so,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘I wish we didn’t love him.’

  ‘I have wished that off and on for centuries.’

  ‘I bet. Asher is just so … damaged, and he won’t go to therapy and work on his issues.’

  ‘Therapy will be part of the price for his return,’ Jean-Claude said.

  ‘We can make him go sit in the therapist’s office, Jean-Claude, but we can’t actually force him to do the therapy.’

  ‘That is true,’ he said.

  ‘The fact that I want him home, too, means that you aren’t the only one who has a weakness for him.’

  ‘Love is both a great strength, ma petite, and a great weakness, which depends on the day, the hour, the moment.’

  I went to him, and he met me in the middle of the room. We hugged, but I kept watching his face. ‘We bring him home because we’re not strong enough to tell him to bugger off, is that it?’

  He smiled. ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Ain’t love grand?’ I said.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, as he bent to kiss me. ‘Yes, whatever it may hold of pleasure, or pain, or even grief, I would not trade it for its absence.’

  We kissed, because we needed to feel the touch of each other, to reassure ourselves that we weren
’t being damned fools about Asher, or at least if we were being fools, we were in it together. Sometimes love isn’t about being smart. Sometimes it’s about being stupid together. I hated those moments, but I’d grown to understand that love, real love, is full of choices that make no sense, that should go horribly wrong, but you make the choice anyway. Why? Because love is about hope; you hope that this time it will be different. Sometimes it is – Jean-Claude and I were proof of that – but sometimes it isn’t, and Richard and the three of us were proof of that.

  Faint heart never won fair lady; I guess the same goes for winning the fair lad. Here’s hoping.

  40

  Some of the local police were like Yancey from SWAT and accepted me as one of them because I’d held my shit together under fire, but others … were very busy trying to blame me for what Ares had done. They needed to blame someone, and I’d killed the only other person they wanted to hate, so they hated me.

  Dev and Nicky had driven with me to the station. We’d meet up with Edward/Ted and get introduced to Marshal Hatfield and the rest. There were witness statements to read, crime scene photos to look at, and the pictures of the missing, some of whom had turned up as the walking dead of one flavor or another. I hated to waste darkness on doing stuff I could do in daylight, but the vampires in custody were safe behind their lawyer for tonight. Maybe by the time I got to question them tomorrow night I’d have a better handle from reading up on the case. That was what I told myself to keep the frustration down. We had two perfectly good suspects who had seen the big bad vampire that was the real danger, and we couldn’t ask them a damn thing.

  The plan was for the men with me to wait out in the public area until I was done, or until they were relieved of duty by the next pair of bodyguards. They knew the drill. They also had carry permits for their guns with them, and they were willing to give their guns up to a lockbox if the local PD demanded it. What we weren’t prepared for was Detective Ricky Rickman to be passing through the check-in desk. One of the things people fear most about shapeshifters is that they look just like everybody else, because they are everybody else. It’s just a disease, and short of a blood test or a change of form, you can pass for straight human. I wasn’t trying to sneak them past anybody; I just didn’t think about it.