by Louisa Young
Significant Events Sheet
An inexplicable emotional revelation. I have become resolute. This is kindergarten, possible flash in the pan, early days, self delusion, self deception, etc. Got to work out how to hang on to it when out of here. I know it’s not really started yet.
1) Realising that saying ‘good morning’ to someone first is important.
2) excellent lunch
3) good new AA meeting
4) God-daughter’s piano lesson
5) Speaking at AA with my speech impediment (decided to take it with me)
6) Chronic lasciviousness – very unusual
7) AA Beginners – a guy 4 years sober saying he was fine for 3 1/2 years thought he’d cracked it – last 6 months absolute hell!!??? Thanks. Good or bad to hear? A sobering thought. Ha ha.
8) Not being able to get to the prom (significant non-event). Pleased that I didn’t lose it when realising I couldn’t get to see one of the greatest musicians on the planet (Daniel Barenboim) conduct one of the great orchestras. Resigned, philosophical. Feelings far too many to process. I’m not a pea … yet.
From Robert’s Stepwork
London and Wigan, 2009–2010
How does the self-centred part of my disease affect my life + the lives of those around me?
The problem I now face, sober, is differentiating between self-centredness and self-protectiveness. My principle criterion is not having a drink today. Nothing or nobody will get in the way of that today. Yes, in a way this is self-centred, but without my treasured sobriety I would be incapable of helping others, loving others, loving anything.
Did I believe I could control my drinking?
Trying to avoid the off licence before going to the pub late morning. Only successful if I got a taxi to the pub. After my siesta at my flat, ordering a cab straight to Louisa’s, avoiding the off-licence en route. On the few occasions I managed this, I would later have to leave Louisa’s to go and ‘buy cigarettes’, hiding my existing cigarettes in an inside pocket.
What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them?
The balcony-window-arse-impaling-on-the-railing occasion. When I went to stay in Prague with my then-girlfriend’s closest friend. After one night on the sofa I complained that it had not been comfortable. Next day, after an alcohol-fuelled party, we returned to share her bed, obviously, as just good friends. Not.
Insisting to x that she had an abortion. Contraception had been used, therefore the pregnancy was not my responsibility. I did not want the child and told her so. I did not tell her that my becoming a father would get in the way of my work and of my drinking, although at the time I was not consciously aware of the latter. A vivid memory of her sobbing in the cab to the clinic, a vivid memory of her sobbing in the clinic and most painful of all a vivid memory of her after the operation, a grey pallor, her eyes dead, looking down and then looking through me. ‘I’ve forgotten my hip flask,’ I thought. I bought flowers, I bought videos, I looked after her lovingly, but drowned any feelings of guilt or remorse in vodka. ‘It’ll be all right,’ I thought. It never was.
Did I behave in ways of which I’m now ashamed?
Relentlessly deceiving Louisa into believing that I was not drinking. A sense of relief, a sense of the naughty schoolboy getting away with it, and risibly a sense of nobility, of decadent heroism. Infidelity on an irregular basis to x, whilst she was away, sleeping with someone in the flat and not bothering to change the sheets. Not bothering to come home at all, sleeping in the West End with an actress with whom I was working. I said I had been working late, then had got drunk and wrenched my back; I couldn’t get home + had to stay in a hotel. Again, heroic, bohemian, entirely justifiable. Any niggling doubts quelled by workaholism and a few drinks.
A lovely old lady, mother of a friend. For years (1980–85) I would to go round, to practise the piano and be fed, and for holidays with her family. When she died c2002, I was asked to the funeral. Apparently I was one of her favourites. I didn’t turn up. I never bothered to apologise. Never sent a note. What was it like? I didn’t fucking care.
I was divorced by my ex-wife, dumped by Anna and thrown out by Louisa. My drinking came first. It was their fault for not understanding the complex sensitive artist. I existed on a higher, more esoteric plane and anyway now these less-talented mortals, who couldn’t be expected to understand my idiosyncratic genius, would no longer get in the way of my drinking. In other words I was a self-obsessed deluded wanker.
Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction?
[He did, and listed them, but I’ve been asked not to include them, so I won’t.]
Did I ever physically injure myself?
One cracked tooth, one tooth knocked out. I told Louisa I’d been mugged. I had in fact been mugged by a garden wall. Facial injury – bad cuts, bad bruises, one cut near the eye socket. I had been mugged again by some evil bastard. Two evil bastards actually – a lamppost and a shop doorknob. Breaking my foot off. Getting into fights.
Have I over- and under-reacted to things?
Over-reacting: I interpreted criticism as personal slight meant to undermine me, professionally or emotionally. That much of this criticism was constructive eluded me. Or it was immediately dismissed. People were insensitive, jealous, small-minded. No further thought given. I had a chronic, painful infatuation in 96–97. I was, in retrospect, infatuated with the infatuation. She smoked spliff and listened to pop music; I drank alcohol and listened to classical music. I didn’t like her friends; she didn’t like mine. I smoked more spliff; she drank more booze. This was the solution, I thought. A few weeks after I was dumped I saw her at a party – she didn’t know who I was.
Under-reacting: only after my father’s demise have I begun to genuinely grieve for my mother. I drank 1/2 a bottle of whisky before the funeral. then on, it was a gradual sneaky evolution – more pronounced from my early thirties.
Over and under: On being told I was scruffy + smelly I would rush out and buy a lot of new clothes and bathe scrupulously all in one day. The rest of the time I would wallow in what I styled as modish and bohemian – ie scruffy and smelly.
In what ways has my life changed since I’ve been in recovery?
I am no longer the most sensitive, vulnerable hard-done-by person on the planet. The formerly alien concept of gratitude plays a crucial role. Despite my formerly huge ego + massively extrovert personality (invite Rob round, he’s guaranteed to initially entertain then surprise, shock and humiliate) I was in fact a shy, fearful person. Alcohol provided the antidote. Now I can approach people without wanting to dominate + manipulate them. A great gift.
What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith?
Regular attendance at meetings. Writing more and better music. Sane music, hopefully devoid of effect, devoid of sensationalism. Not just doing the steps but infusing my life with what I have learnt. Despite my deeply faulted character I am becoming a more considerate person, mentally and physically more agile despite suffering from incurable illnesses.
Do I believe more change is possible?
Yes.
*
Hospital Notebook
London, Summer 2010
Particularly
(upside down)
Thanks so much for that elongated effort!
Breathing struggle fear of choking
CHOKING
from CATARRH
I thought ‘This is it’
I will probably never speak properly
– fact
I’ve gone a bit tone deaf
temp – I’m a fucking musician
– composer
a much bigger medical shock
will be trying to get the TV to work
and watch England lose.
What are you doing tonight
New one: Lachrymose hiccup
Dear L.
Thank you
and I still
love you.
&
nbsp; (even more.
in fact).
R X X
I think you should have a day off.
– a break from this
do something else.
It’ll be good for you.
X
could you be so kind as to charge
my mobile?
Thank
BOWELGROIN AGONY PAIN
I’M NOT SOFT NOT A COWARD
THIS IS
BAD
I’m from Wigan
where are you
from?
Sorry! Didn’t realise!
T.V. too loud
but don’t say it’s me
What is nebuliser?
I’ve had
enough pain.
Is it painful?
What is the noise NOISE
Dear _______
Did you mention cathata?
The nurse in the other
ward gave me such pain
(like the tube was stood on)
more pain than my neck! (haha)
I’m sure you’ll be very
delicate
Thanks so much.
MY FIANCÉ HAS
GOOD TASTE IN MEN
CHEST PAIN
– BREATHING INV BAD
BIT PANICKY
– FRIGHTENED
IS DOC COMING?
THANKS
– YOU’RE GOOD THOUGH
You know what Hockney’s
boyfriend said when he
met WH Auden?
I was giving Louisa the book
Will never speak normally
never fuckin’ did
haha
My future wife !
has been phenomenal
Not had a drink
lose dad
Louisa’s dad
Kath
now this reward!
Another northern humourist
N Wales Barry Manilow
Not at first
but it grows
good woman
Class A drug morphine pure
there is a limit 5-10-15
How’s Lisette?
weirdest fantasies
Surreal stuff
very real
Mark Almond?
Sax
send regards
still married
These surgeons are amazing
so complex
ask Louisa she likes detail!
I probably can’t eat again
either
I feel scared. I have been v. tough
Everyone impressed. But now –
Mouth physio!?
hurts when I
breathe in
I’ve not tried moving
on my own yet
I’m thinking of guys
in world war one
before! …?
I’m in the Paris Hilton
Dominic
– you are strong + gentle
perfect combo.
silly fucker man
PARANOID about F-ing
CATHETAand I’m getting
married soon!!
[Two willy cartoons: one pointing
high, the other (with the word
NOT written by it) broken.]
Hard to
breath
NOT
too painful
tho
I
can’t get
enough
there’s a lot worse
than this
mild case
Did you study medics
at Univ? Where?
NO
BOOZE
3 1/2 yrs
DAY AT A TIME
I NEED HELP
UNDERSTANDING
WORSE PAIN
NO SLEEP
How are you?
It’s not quite
all about me
but nearly
I had a dog called
Fella – dead
Robert – alive
comfortable
sleep
position?
back very uncomfort
do you know about
blood explosion
sickness
here earlier
old blood
swallowed in stomach
Now I can feel more gums
afraid of biting
plus hard bits
Also my
lovely future wife
left earlier
Like many men I am a soft
coward
How are you?
post op trauma
FEAR PANIC
SADNESS
TRAUM
FEAR PANIC
PAIN PHYSICAL YES
BUT MORE
manual cheek jaw behind eye
I’m really sorry!
I have great respect for you!!
My light has been on for 20
mins …your colleague didn’t
come back please accept my
apology! I just wanted a little
favour? Could you find BBC4
for me? I’d really appreciate
that
I know you’re dealing with
much more urgent things
THANKS
Robert
also bad pain left neck
area + nose
How’s work?
[He’s drawn a section of
musical stave, with treble
clef, 4/4 time signature, and
the first bar of Mozart’s
Minuet in G, one of the
classic first pieces that
young piano beginners
are given to learn]
pseudo ‘classical’
do you know Siegfried Idyll
overture to Parsifal
melancholic trumpet
What opera
lunch darling?
oysters sashimi
2-4 wee
I booked rooms in Magdalen
to show her.
– yes
she occasionally smiles
and she is older. 1 day 4 hrs
Jackie has been amazing
She’s had cancer
Now close to Louisa
they’re both a bit
Jackie + me love each other
both sides of her!
but nothing of that with us..
