by Louisa Young
Now my main language
will be music so perhaps
I will write some
good stuff
better
what is iPod
Too emotional ie Rachman—
I’ve done so well
with the booze
the best thing I’ve
ever done
and now
fucking fags
neat vodka
years of throat damage
I feel guilty about what I’ve
put Louisa thru’
32H6
her new adult novel
is going to be a great success
then film
music by ? me
Michael Nyman
Have you heard the theme
tune
sampled orchestra
cornet my cousin Diane
Violin
I’ve not complained
AT ALL for a month
– my future wife (!)
has been impressed!
But now
Camden Town, second time round:
Winter 2011
What can I use from my four-plus years sober to reactivate my recovery today?
Leaving here four and a half years ago, I took with me a wealth of knowledge, and endeavoured to put it into practice. An old friend, an alcoholic/drug addict who had been sober and clean for twelve years, offered to be my sponsor. I was very fortunate. Talking to him everyday became a useful discipline. It was a matter of sticking to basics, going to regular meetings and speaking to Will, regular meals and a good diet (sadly not available to me any more) and lots of regular sleep. When I had my relapse I had not been leading a regular life.
I was now able to see my twelve year old son, look him in the eye and have a good laugh. He doesn’t know about my condition – that’s for when he’s older. I can now approach his mother. I was able to see my father. He said he was more proud of my sobriety than anything else I had achieved. In sobriety I can now recognise and appreciate my love for others and their love for me. Gratitude, also. I owe so much to Will, my sponsor, my landlord Patrick in the North and most of all to my fiancee Louisa.
Prior to my lapse, I had not spoken with Will for a number of days, which says it all. When I did speak to him, I didn’t admit to having had a drink, basically abusing the intimacy that had been forged. Our sponsors will be personally familiar with most of what we reveal; we do them good by reminding them of the pitfalls of our condition. And for a while before my lapse I hadn’t attended AA. I think I used my disability and my cancer as an excuse.
I find it difficult to express the amount of freedom and simple enjoyment that my four and a half years gave me. Sobriety allowed me to rid myself of complications, neuroses and obsessions. Clarity of thought and the ability to take time making decisions made a huge difference. The impulsiveness fuelled by the alcoholic mind had disappeared almost totally.
[Louisa and I had] a somewhat tempestuous ten-year relationship. Sobriety has rid me of many of the frustrations I once felt. Despite her faults, the main fault in the relationship was my drunkenness.
Louisa’s father died just after mine and she asked me to write a piece of music for his memorial service. The music flowed from my pencil – I experienced none of the creative blocks of yesteryear, therefore not needing a drink to unblock them. Music is, or was, my career; sobriety will be essential for any advances in this crucial area of my life. I am still angry and even embarrassed about my relapse, but I have learnt from it. And finally, just something about my four and a half years of sobriety – it got better and better. Never again do I want to return to that hell.
*
Further Reading
Obituary by Will Self
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2012/jan/27/robert-lockhart
Valediction by Nicholas Lezard
https://www.newstatesman.com/node/187357
Discography
Prelude in G Op. 32 No. 5, (Rachmaninoff), Rachmaninoff
La Bohème, (Puccini), Jose Carreras and Barbara Hendricks
‘Here Comes the Rainbow Again’, (Kristofferson), Johnny Cash
‘It Hurts Me Too’, (Red/James), Karen Dalton
‘I’d Rather Go Blind’, (Jordan/Foster), Etta James
‘I’ll Be Seeing You’, (Fain/Kahal), Billie Holliday
‘Les Feuilles Mortes’, (Kosma/Prevert), Yves Montand
‘Song for My Father’, Horace Silver
‘O Waly Waly’, (anon./Britten), Roderick Williams
‘The Salley Gardens’, (anon./Britten or Ireland)
Hungarian Dances, Brahms
Sonata in F minor, Brahms
‘Cantaloupe Island’, Herbie Hancock
Sonata in A, Schubert
‘Wild Is the Wind’, Tiomkin/Washington), Nina Simone, or David Bowie
La Fille au Cheveux de Lin, Debussy
‘Hotel’, (Francis Poulenc), Regine Crespin
‘Après un Reve’, (Gabriel Fauré), Regine Crespin
Clair de Lune, (Gabriel Fauré), Regine Crespin
‘When I Was Young’, (Merill) Eddie Fisher
‘Trouble Child’, Joni Mitchell
‘Re-Hab’, Stew & the Negro Problem
‘Pale Blue Eyes’, Velvet Underground
‘Leiermann’, from the Winterreise, Schubert
‘Good Year for the Roses’, (Chesnut), George Jones
‘The End’, (Strand/Dove), Mark Padmore
‘Don’t Fence Me In’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald
‘Why Can’t You Behave?’ (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald
‘Anything Goes’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald
‘My Funny Valentine’, (Rodgers/Hart), Chet Baker
‘Get Out of Town’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald
‘Reason to Believe’, (Hardin), Rod Stewart
‘Don’t Explain’, (Holiday/Herzog), Billie Holiday
‘Cry Me a River’, (Hamilton), Julie London
‘Only Him or Me’, Townes Van Zandt
‘Too Far Gone’, (Sherill), Elvis Costello and the Attractions
‘She’s No Lady’, Lyle Lovett
Four Last Songs, (Strauss), Jessye Norman
‘Five Years’, David Bowie
‘The Unquiet Grave’, (anon.), Joan Baez
Robert Lockhart’s music can be found on YouTube, http://www.bmgproductionmusic.co.uk, or please contact [email protected]
‘83 Miles the Wrong Side of Birmingham’, ‘You Left Early’ and ‘Goldhawk Road’ are tracks on the album You Left Early by Birds of Britain; released in June 2018. Birds of Britain are Louisa Young and Alex Mackenzie. Birds of Britain music can be found on Spotify, iTunes and in all the old familiar places.
www.louisayoung.co.uk
You Left Early
You waltzed in, your coat tails flying
Cool as an angel, without trying
You took the piano knowing every song
Billie and Cole, All night long.
You played for all the prettiest women,
Stole their fags, admired their singing
They could never leave you alone
You stayed so late and we played along
We all knew that you drank twice your share in half the time
You had it blazoned all around your soul like a neon sign
You lit the night, I’m not lying
When you stayed late and we played along
Wanted to be your silver lining
Strong and bold, bright and shining
I was going to bring you safely home
But you left early and you left alone
Yeah you left early and you left alone
You played for all the prettiest women
You broke their hearts, left them swimming
In lakes of their own tears at your heart of stone
When after all, you left alone
We all knew you drank, twice your share in half the time
&n
bsp; You had it hanging heavy round your life like a ball and chain
Night and day, I’m not lying
And you left early and you left alone
You left early and you left alone
Oh, oh, your silver lining, strong and bright, both of us shining
We were going to bring each other home
But you left early and you left alone
You left early and you left alone
You left early and you left alone
Footnotes
Chapter 10
1 Professor Sir Ian Gilmore, UK Alcohol Health Alliance.
2 Public Health England.
3 In England – Guardian, January 2016.
4 Insititute of Alcohol Studies.
5 Guardian, Jan 2016.
Appendices
6 This is my bra size. For god’s sake.
Acknowledgements
For their faith, encouragement, patience and understanding, I thank my daughter; her father; Susan Swift; Charlotte Horton; Derek Johns; Michel Faber; my publishers especially Suzie Dooré and Ann Bissell, and all Robert’s friends and family who understood what I was trying to do and let me do it; trusted me and by doing so helped me immeasurably.
About the Author
Louisa Young was born in London and read history at Cambridge. She co-wrote the Lionboy series with her daughter, and is the author of eight further books including the bestselling My Dear I Wanted to Tell You, which was shortlisted for the Costa Novel Award, and was a Richard and Judy Book Club choice, and its acclaimed sequels The Heroes’ Welcome and Devotion. Her work is published in 36 languages. She lives in London.
Robert Lockhart was born in Wigan, Lancashire, son of a salesman and a hairdresser. At 19 he achieved a double first in music at Magdalen College Oxford; then studied piano and composition at the Royal College of Music. In 1981 he was a Greater London Arts Association’s Young Musician of the Year. A piano virtuoso, he retired early from performance to compose for theatre, film and TV, working with among others John Schlesinger, Terence Davies, the RSC and the National Theatre. He worked on many award-winning shows, and was nominated for a BAFTA in 1994. He died aged 52 in 2012.
Photographs by Robert Lockhart and Louisa Young, © Louisa Young
Also by Louisa Young
FICTION
Baby Love
Desiring Cairo
Tree of Pearls
My Dear I Wanted to Tell You
The Heroes’ Welcome
Devotion
NON-FICTION
A Great Task of Happiness: The Life of Kathleen Scott
The Book of the Heart
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