Broken Play

by Tracey Ward

  You’re killing yourself.

  I couldn’t stand to watch.

  I love you.

  If this is what love looks like, I’m better off without it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  MILA

  January 20th

  Staples Center

  Los Angeles, CA

  I’m depressed. I’m lonely and sad and so pathetic I want someone to throw a telethon for me. But they won’t because no one loves me. It’s tragic.

  “You’re doing it again,” Sloane warns me.

  “Doing what?”

  She looks at me impatiently. “You’re pouting. Knock it off. You’ll get stress lines.”

  “I’ll earn ‘em.” I slouch down in my seat, propping my feet up on the chair in front of me. The woman in it visibly tightens when she feels me do it. “I’m pretty fucking stressed out.”

  “You’re not stressed out. You’re sad. Sad is worse. Sad ages you.”

  “I miss him,” I mumble miserably.

  She squeezes my knee briefly in support. “I know you do.”

  “What am I gonna do without him?”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I want to crawl in bed with him and suck him dry.”

  The Woman turns her head slightly. It’s a warning. She’s telling me she can hear me, as if I care.

  “So we’re just going to talk about it out in the open now?” Hollis asks. “I’m allowed to know this stuff?”

  “Yes. The whole world can know because it’s over. I was fucking Tyus Anthony!”

  “Easy, killer,” Sloane cautions.

  I drop my feet to the floor with a thud, turning to face her. To beg her. “Seriously. What am I going to do? I’ve never been dumped before. How do people handle this?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never been dumped either.”

  “You’re no help.”

  I look past her to Hollis. He’s watching the game, not paying attention. Eventually, he feels me staring.

  “What?” he asks innocently.

  “How do you handle being dumped?”

  “It’s her first time and it’s never happened to me before,” Sloane catches him up.

  He snorts. “Cool. You’re both beautiful. We’re all very impressed.”

  “You’re beautiful too.”

  “Shut up.” Hollis turns his eyes to me. “This is it, Mila. This is what I do after a breakup. I hang out with friends and I get out of the house and I try to find normal again. It’s all you can do.”

  “What if you never knew what normal was to start with?”

  “Then you’re fucked.”

  I fall back into my seat glumly. “This sucks. This day sucks. This game sucks. Our seats suck.”

  “So glad I cashed in my courtsides to sit in the rafters with you two tonight,” Hollis laments.

  “Do what I’d do,” Sloane tells me. “Get shitfaced.”

  I shake my head hard. “No. I don’t want to drink. I mean, I want to drink, I really want to drink, but I can’t. That’s what I used to do but if I do that I’ll just spiral out and end up naked in a Motel 6 in Burbank with a greyhound and a churro and no idea how I get there or what that dog’s name is.”

  Hollis chuckles. “Sounds like his name is going to be Churro.”

  “I’m a mess. I don’t need to get messier.”

  “I get it,” Sloane agrees sympathetically. “Why trash yourself, right?”

  “I should. I’m garbage. I’m a garbage person and no one will ever love me again.”

  Sloane reaches over and pinches me hard on the arm.

  “Shit!” I cry, slapping her hand away. “What the hell?”

  “Snap out of it. You’re getting a whole lot high school over there. A guy dumped you. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “It feels pretty epically awful,” I protest irritably.

  “And it will for a long time, but then you’ll remember you’re the badass bitch that you are and you’ll get your life back. It’ll take time but it’ll happen so don’t act like this is the only love you’re ever going to have. You’ll have more. You’re only nineteen.”

  “Twenty.”

  She frowns at me. “Since when?”

  “Yesterday.”

  “It was your birthday yesterday?” Hollis demands incredulously.

  “According to my mama.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us?”

  I shrug. “I don’t really do birthdays.”

  “We do. I could have had cake, you selfish whore.”

  “Okay, okay,” Sloane coos with her hand on his arm. “We’ll get you cake after this. Ease up.”

  “I had to leave a hot guy at home for this because she couldn’t handle seeing people happy.”

  “Hey. I left a hot guy at home too, okay. We’re all miserable.”

  I point an angry finger at them both. “I told you I could have handled it if you brought them!”

  Sloane gives me a sympathetic look. “Oh, honey, no. You couldn’t have.”

  “You couldn’t even handle the Kiss Cam,” Hollis agrees.

  My chest pinches. “They were, like, eighty and still in love. It was adorable.”

  Hollis looks at Sloane hard. “Fix your girl.”

  “I’m on it,” she assures him.

  He turns back to the game, tuning us out. Sloane turns to me with a motherly, patient expression that makes my heart ache.

  “Tyus hates me,” I moan.

  Sloane nods solemnly. “Yeah. He does.”

  “I shouldn’t have done it.”

  “Yeah. You should have.”

  I swallow, thick and painful. “Have you heard if he’s going to do it?”

  “No. As far as I know, he hasn’t had the MRI yet.”

  “The game is in two days.”

  “I know.”

  I sigh. “He’s angry.”

  “At everything and everyone.”

  “Have you talked to him?”

  “You asked me that an hour ago. Answer is still no.”

  “He’s never going to forgive me.”

  Sloane doesn’t respond and I think it’s because we’ve already talked about this back when Tyus had that first big headache.

  You start making decisions for him, and he’ll never forgive you.

  “Fuck!” I curse loudly.

  The Woman has had enough. She turns to give me the stink eye before pointedly glancing at her two adorable little offspring.

  I roll my eyes. “Sorry. I’m having a bad day.”

  “Well then you should go home if you’re going to ruin the night for the rest of us.”

  “Maybe you should stop coddling your precious little angels and prepare them for the fact that the world is an ugly fucking place full of impossible fucking choices and they’ll never find happiness that lasts because fate is a raging cunt who will drill them up the ass the first chance she gets. But I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, so don’t tell me how to live mine. Bitch.”

  Her jaw drops.

  Her son snickers.

  Her daughter starts to cry.

  Hollis casts them an apologetic smile. “We would love to buy your beautiful family something to eat. Cotton candy? A soda? A pony?”

  “You want them to eat a pony?” Sloane laughs.

  The little girl cries harder.

  “Not to eat! To ride!”

  “You’re not buying them an apology pony.”

  “It was a joke,” he says defensively.

  “It was terrible. Here.” Sloane digs in her purse, pulling out two twenties. She hands one to each of the kids. “We’re sorry for being crass. Stay in school. Say no to drugs. Go Lakers.”

  The little girl stops crying immediately, like a flip is switched. She beams up at Sloane. “Thank you!”

  “You’re welcome, hon.”

  The mom glares at each of us one last time before turning around to watch the game.

  Hollis puts his arm around Sloane
lovingly. “You’re going to be an amazing mom.”

  “Money talks,” she says wryly. “That’s what dad always taught me.”

  “Are you and Trey trying to get pregnant?” I ask.

  “No,” Sloane and Hollis reply in unison.

  I look at them funny because they’re acting weird, but I let it go. I have bigger things to worry about. Like the fact that I betrayed my boyfriend’s trust.

  Ex-boyfriend. Tyus Anthony is my ex-boyfriend.

  “Oh my God,” I whimper, burying my face in my hands. My eyes sting with a thousand tiny, salty daggers that just won’t stop. I’ve never cried this much in my life but apparently this is me now. On my journey to being a better person, this is the woman I’ve become.

  I hate her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  TYUS

  Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

  Los Angeles, CA

  My eyes burn from the glare of the lights. They’re too sterile. Too white. Everything looks too real under them, like this is what life looks like when you strip away the filters and the feelings.

  It’s ugly underneath.

  “What time is it?” I ask Colt.

  He looks at his watch. “Almost midnight.”

  “How long did they say the results would take?”

  “If Coach pulled the right strings and got them to rush it, they said it should only take a few hours.”

  “You don’t have to stay,” I tell him tiredly. “It’s late. You should be sleeping. You’ve got a game in less than forty-eight hours.”

  “We have a game,” he reminds me.

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Hey, you don’t know what the results are gonna be, man. It could be just headaches. There’s no guarantee it’s the worst case scenario.”

  “I shouldn’t have avoided this for so long. You can’t see CTE on an MRI anyway,” I tell him glumly. “They can’t diagnose that shit until you’re dead and they’ve cut your brain in half. Then it flops open, showing them all of the holes in it like a rotted out melon.”

  “Jesus. What else you got, Bad News Bear?”

  “Bees are almost extinct.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Giraffe’s are endangered now too.”

  “Holy shit, that’s sad!” Colt smiles through his immense sadness. “You’re sulking, brother.”

  I nod, looking down at my lap. I’m dressed but I’m still holding the worn-out gown that Colt had to tie at the back for me before I went into the machine. That felt weird, but everything does right now. Breathing feels weird. Eating feels weird. Going to bed alone feels almost criminal, and I’m struggling to remember the last time I slept a full night without her. She wasn’t there every night, but I don’t remember the ones when I was alone. I only remember her and the way she made me feel.

  But that’s gone now. So is she. And she’s never coming back.

  “You’re gonna be alright,” Colt promises somberly. It’s a rare moment for him. He doesn’t take much about life seriously. It’s one of his best qualities, but one of the lesser known greats about him is his ability to read people. He can feel what I’m feeling before I even know I’m feeling it, like a cancer sniffing dog.

  “What would you do?” I ask.

  Colt sits in the ugly green chair next to me. “About what? The MRI or the girl?”

  “Both.”

  He sighs, thinking. “If it were me and Lilly, I’d forgive her. I’d forgive that woman anything because if she did what M—” He stops himself short, remembering my rule. We don’t say her name. “If Lilly did what she did, I’d know it was because she loves me and she was worried about me. I’d be pissed, though, man. I’m not gonna lie. She went behind your back. She messed with your game and that’s…” He sighs reluctantly. “That’s hard to stomach.”

  “I don’t think I can forgive her.”

  “Has she asked you to?”

  I chuckle mirthlessly. “No. She didn’t even say ‘sorry’.”

  “Then I guess you don’t have to worry about forgiving her. Unless you want to.”

  I shake my head but I don’t say it out loud because I’m not sure I can. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t feel like I know much of anything anymore, except that I’m angry. I’m so goddamn angry.

  “What was she like?”

  I look at him in surprise. “What?”

  “She Who Must Not Be Named,” Colt intones sardonically. “What was she like? You were in deep with a girl for months and I never really got to meet her. I want to know what she was like. Why’d you like her?”

  “She’s crazy, that’s what she is. Certifiably nuts.”

  “That’s hot.”

  I smile. “It kind of was. She was nuts but she knew it. Or she knows it. She’s not dead, I guess.”

  “Only to you.”

  “Right.”

  “So she’s crazy? That’s the best thing about her?”

  I lean back in my seat. “Nah, man, she’s more than crazy. She’s fearless. She sleeps with her feet outside the covers.”

  Colt laughs. “That makes her fearless?”

  “Do you sleep with your feet out?”

  “No.”

  “Me either. And we’re twice her size. She’s ballsy but vulnerable too. And she’s funny. She’s smarter than she thinks she is. She’s got a good heart even though she tries not to.” I clear my throat abruptly, balling up the gown between hands. “But she’s a liar too. She lies to herself and to everyone else. She’s selfish sometimes. She eats the last piece of pizza without even asking if I want it. She used my toothbrush once.”

  “Oh damn,” Colt breathes.

  “I lost my shit at her for that. She just laughed. She thought it was hilarious.”

  “Lilly ate the last Christmas cookie my mom sent me this year. Right in front of my face. Didn’t think anything of it.”

  “That’s cold.”

  “Arctic,” Colt chuckles. “It’s hard to love a monster like that, but I think it’d be even harder not to.”

  “See that’s the difference. You love Lilly.” I raise the gown up high over my head before tossing it at the bin in the corner. Swoosh. Nothing but net. “It’s easy to forgive the people you love.”

  “You think you don’t love her?”

  “Sure as shit doesn’t feel like it right now.”

  “You know that empty feeling you have in your gut? The echo-y, hollowed out feeling that’s almost like hunger, but, like, the painful kind? The starving kind?”

  “No,” I lie, because that’s what I do. I lie to everyone but the big ones, the hardest lies, I save for myself. Only this one doesn’t take. I feel it settle over my heart before quickly falling away. Drifting down like snow that leaves me untouched. Unblemished. Uncovered and vulnerable to the truth that hurts like a wound that will never heal.

  “Okay, well, if you did, that’s what losing love feels like. Like you’re dying for something you can’t have. If you felt that, I’d say you love her, and if you love her, I’d say you should forgive her.” He shrugs irreverently. “But what the fuck do I? I’ve had one successful relationship and I put a ring on it immediately.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why’d you get engaged to her so fast? I’ve always wanted to ask you that. She wasn’t going anywhere. What’s the rush?”

  Colt smiles. “What’s the point in waiting? She’s it, Ty. Forever and ever and ever, Lilly is it. You don’t hesitate when you know something like that. If you do, you might fuck it up and lose her, and then where will you be? Sitting in a dingy hospital room moping with your best friend. That shit’s just sad.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “That was specific.”

  “Was it? I was rambling.”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t have dumped her for going behind my back and fucking up my life? I should have married her instead?”

  “No,” he laughs. “Hell no. You can’t marry a girl I don’t know.” />
  “So what’s your point?”

  “I don’t have one,” he groans, burying his face in his hands. “I’m tired. I’m just talking to pass the time.”

  “Can I ask you something real?”

  He moans inside his palms. “Is it more or less depressing than the bees?”

  “I don’t know. Less?”

  “Hit me.”

  I lick my lips nervously. My chest feels tight, my breath getting caught somewhere in the back of my throat. "What do I do if they say I can’t play? I know I love the game. It’s the only thing I know how to do, so what the hell do I do if I can’t play anymore?”

  Colt lowers his hands slowly to look at me. His face is blank. “You find something else to love. You look for other things to be good at.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What are you gonna do when it’s all over?”

  “Shit,” he sighs, sitting back in his seat. “I don’t know. Part of me wants to go home to Kansas because I don’t know if I can live here in L.A. and not play, you know?”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “But I can’t ask Lilly to bail on the bakery. Her and Rona live for that place. They’ve put every cent they have into it and it’s finally taking off, so what kind of asshole would I be to tell her to sell it and move to the Midwest with me? She can’t leave her family. Especially her dad.”

  I wince thinking about it. Lilly’s dad is a sad story. He has Alzheimer’s. He’s fifty or so, I think, but he’s already losing his mind. Colt’s had to introduce himself to him five times now. It just doesn’t stick. There are days he doesn’t even know who Lilly is. I can’t imagine what that’s like for her, but it’s gotta be even worse for her old man because the bitch about that disease is that you get glimpses. There are days when he’s himself. He’s firing on all cylinders and he knows his entire life story, but then he has to deal with the fact that he can understand what he’s losing. He knows there will be a time in the very near future where he’ll forget again. Just like that. Like a bubble bursting and all of his memories will disappear into thin air. Poof! Gone.