by Robin Leaf
“Shut up, Darby!” both voices yelled in unison, both panting from the effort.
I ignored their command. “I just don’t get why you two are…”
“The point is,” Bryan ignored me and yelled, “you were willing to break your ‘no man’ code with me.” He ran his hand over his head. “I’d be your first…” looking down, he quietly added, “and to me, that’s a big deal.” He looked up at her from underneath his lashes. “It… means something.”
Oh, shit.
“Means something? What the fuck? You’re crazy if you think it means anything. You’re just here to get me pregnant.”
Bryan looked like he’d been punched in the gut, turning around and bending over.
Allison narrowed her eyes. “So are you going to tell me Darby’s right?” Double shit. “Do you have…”
“Okay,” I yelled over Allison. “That’s enough! From both of you.”
“No, I want to know, do you…”
“Allison! I said enough!”
“Yeah, enough,” Bryan declared. “I’m done.” He walked to the door. “Goodnight to you both.”
The door slam reverberated throughout the apartment, knocking a picture off the wall.
I stood there, blinking.
“Did that just happen?” I asked.
Allison glanced my direction before looking back at the door.
“Did you just say that to him? And were you seriously going to ask him if he has feelings for you?” She stood there, mouth agape, burning a hole through the door. “What the hell is wrong with you, Allison?”
She groaned, “I don’t know.”
“That was not like you. You’re never intentionally hurtful. You never yell.” She turned away from me and walked to the couch. “Hell, Allison, we’ve hardly ever argued. I thought you hated conflict.”
She flopped down, rubbed her hands over her face, and sighed. “No, Darby. That’s you who hates conflict.” She moved her hands and looked at me. “You always walk away. I’ve just never been angry enough to push it before.”
I wrapped my arms around my stomach.
Or you’ve never cared enough to argue.
We remained silent few minutes, both contemplating the situation.
“I guess we both fucked this one up,” I said, finally breaking the silence.
She sighed. “Yes, we should have discussed it more before we did anything.” She chuckled. “We did not think this through. Guess you really are rubbing off on me. Hell, we didn’t even draw up paperwork or make him sign an agreement first. So we probably just dodged a bullet.”
I stared unblinking. “Seriously, that’s your takeaway from all of this tonight?”
She looked at me questioningly.
“You didn’t hear what he said? You don’t feel bad? You don’t think you need to… try and make this right with him?”
She continued to stare at me unblinking.
“Holy fucking shit, Allison. Do you even care that you just hurt Bryan? Made him feel like shit?”
“I didn’t hurt him, Darby.” She looked down at her fingers. “You’re reading into it. He’s just mad we didn’t disclose everything.” She chuckled again. “Bryan has morals. Who knew.”
I rolled my eyes. “Because he’s a person, a friend, not just some rando with a dick to knock you up.”
She blinked. “I don’t think that.”
“And he has feelings, Allison.” She shook her head. “Yes. Real feelings. If you can’t see it, then…”
She cocked her head. “Then what?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I’m… going to bed.” I walked toward my bedroom. “We’ll talk about what we’re going to do tomorrow.”
Thirty Four
“I’m Sorry” – Buckcherry
I woke up with my head pounding and a pain in my back. It took me forever to fall asleep because my mind was busy trying to figure out a way to break it to Allison that I felt we needed to back off the baby situation. Plus, I slept restlessly.
Rolling over and stretching, I looked at the clock. It was still early, so I had time to catch Ally before she left.
After peeing and brushing my teeth, I exited my room and found her still sitting on the couch where I left her last night.
“Don’t say it.”
I moved the blanket from my chair and sat. “Say what, babe?”
She closed her eyes tightly. “That I’m a total bitch. That I fucked all this up.” When she opened her eyes, they were filled with tears. Her voice cracked as she said, “That you don’t want to have a baby with me anymore.”
I moved to sit beside her and took her in my arms. She buried her head in my neck.
“It sounds like you’ve said it to yourself all night.”
She nodded.
“Honestly, Ally, I was going to suggest that maybe we back off the plan for a while.”
She began sobbing in my shoulder. “Please, Darby. Please don’t say that.”
“Babe,” I rubbed her back soothingly to match my tone. “It’s making you act all crazy and shit.”
She let out a laugh. “Well, at least you’re not sugarcoating it.”
“You warned I should keep you reined, so this is me pulling backward.” She let out a noise that sounded like a cross between a whine and a laugh. “I’m not saying we should give up on it. I just think we need some time to get our minds right.”
Pulling back from my arms, she eyed me. “How long?”
I shrugged. “A month with absolutely no baby talk. Then we’ll see how we feel.”
She smiled. “I can agree to that.”
“And you have to talk to Bryan. You need to apologize. Explain to him you were temporarily insane.”
“I already texted him to meet me in the gym in half an hour.” She sighed. “You’re right. I was horrible to him.”
“I would like to be there to explain that we will no longer need him for baby-making, though.” She raised her head to say something. “Nope, I’m putting my foot down here. In a month, if we decide to proceed, we will look into the sperm banks. The baby daddy thing? It’s too messy.”
“Alright.” She folded her hands in her lap. “I just liked the idea of our kid possibly having red hair like you.”
I blinked. “Bryan’s hair is not red.”
“But have you seen pictures of his and Fionn’s sister? She has red hair almost the same color as yours. And with his green eyes…” she smiled, “it would be nice to have a kid that might have had features similar to you and me.”
“Yeah, that’s just weird.”
She laughed. “Probably.”
“We can look into finding donor sperm with red hair if we decide to go through with it in a month.” I stood and held my hand out to her. “C’mon. We can’t keep an Irishman waiting.”
~~~
“So, I know I was completely out of line, Bryan. Please forgive me.”
He stood with his arms across his chest, a defensive stance, and eyed Allison. His face softened.
“Look, I need to say something before I accept your apology. I know I come off as a prick sometimes, but I was honest with you before. I care a hell of a lot about ye, lass. I was also raised to believe that a first time for a girl is a big deal. It should… mean something to both parties. It’s what I instilled in my sister, and I believe it with all my heart.”
“But…”
He held up his hand. “I know what yer gonna say. And I know you don’t agree with me. And that’s fine.” He placed his hand on her shoulder. “I understand where you’re coming from, darlin’, but I am not willing to go against my beliefs. I know who you are. I know now that you are not attracted to men. If we had gone through with it…” he ran his hand over his head, “well, I would have felt horrible for taking advantage of you.”
“But that’s just it, Bryan. You wouldn’t have…”
“Look, I told you before that I respect you.” He held both her upper arms. “Can’t you give me the same
courtesy and respect how I feel?”
I watched from the sidelines, seeing how he looked deeply into her eyes. The reverence on his face, the pleading way he conveyed his emotion, proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that Bryan was definitely in love with Allison.
What I didn’t expect is for her face to melt briefly into the same expression his held.
“Okay, B.” She nodded. “I’m so sorry.”
He pulled her to his chest.
“Accepted.” He kissed the top of her head. “Can we just go back to being friends now?”
She snorted and pulled away from him. “I think we can manage that.” She picked up her gym bag. “Ready for our workout?”
He nodded to me. “I think Darby’s jealous she didn’t get to touch my cock.”
Laughing, I walked over to him and pulled him into my own hug.
“I absolutely am.” I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “Thank you for loving her enough to do that,” before I pulled away and smiled.
He raised his eyebrows. I winked at him over my shoulder.
“I’m off to the set.” I kissed Allison and whispered. “Go easy on him.”
She smiled deviously. “Never.”
Thirty Five
“Mr. Blue Sky” – Electric Light Orchestra
Three weeks. It only took three weeks for me to come home and catch Allison covertly pouring over all the brochures Dr. Bell gave us. I had spent the day with Riley performing Mom’s aura-cleansing ritual (yes, I went there), so I was too exhausted to make a big deal out of it.
I was finally free now that my show was on hiatus. Allison and I were spending more time together, even going on actual dates. But while I tried to cheer up Riley, she trained the men and ran her usual classes. Therefore, it was possible she was sneaking looky-loos at all the websites, performing her research on the sly the whole time.
Whatever. Why mince hairs? I was ready to revisit the possibility.
She reached out to the nurse at Dr. Bell’s office to find out how to research the sperm banks. It was hard to find a donor we both liked that wasn’t a hot commodity. We agreed at the start that our donor should be someone not too many other potential parents had chosen. Ever since Charlie planted that seed, I’ve woken up in a cold sweat too many times in the past few months after dreaming that my kid fell in love with his or her sibling. Gross.
We narrowed the field of choices down, but we put the final decision on the back burner, deciding to wait until after my birthday. We wanted to see the doctor first to have some small questions answered.
Buying donations from a sperm bank? It. Was. Not. Cheap. It wasn’t exactly something insurance would cover, either. I mean a same-sex couple wanting to conceive a baby didn’t really ring medically necessary procedure.
I was raised to live frugally. I came from money, sure. My dad was always loaded, but we never flaunted our wealth. In fact, I was taught to value money, so I never threw it away all willy-nilly on some stupid shit I would never need.
So this… Well, I was having difficulty with the expense. Not that I felt that it wasn’t worth the price tag. It was just a hard pill to swallow.
Vocalizing that to Allison while we made dinner together was probably not a good idea.
“So are you saying you don’t think we should do this now?” she asked testily.
“No, babe. Chill. All I meant was that I didn’t realize it would cost this much. That’s all.”
She stopped cutting the carrots and narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re only paying half, Darby.”
“Even half of it is still a lot.” I dropped the pasta into the water and wrapped my arm around her waist. “I’m just saying that maybe in another life, I’ll invest in a sperm bank or a fertility clinic.”
She smiled. “Yeah, maybe that’s not a bad idea.” She resumed her chopping. “So, are you excited to go to the club for your birthday?”
“Yes. Thank you for planning this, Allison. I’ve never had a birthday party in my honor before.”
She dropped the knife on the counter and turned toward me. “Seriously? Never?”
“Mom thought we should be celebrated more often than just once a year, so I guess birthdays didn’t mean much to us.”
“So you had little parties during the year?” I nodded. “Well, that sounds kinda awesome.”
“My favorite was my menstruation celebration. We held a candlelit ceremony to the goddess Chloris, then I got to eat brownies for the first time in my life.” I sighed. “You never forget your first time.”
She giggled. “You’re family has some strange customs.”
“I don’t think it was an actual custom as much as it was more something my mom totally made up. You should have seen what she did for Dax’s first ejaculation. Now that was something special.”
Laughing, she snorted, “Oh my God, how did your mom even know when his first time was?”
“You know, I never asked. I just assumed it was some weird mom intuition.”
She began laughing harder, to the point where she doubled over. “Or,” she snorted, “or she found his hidden stash of soiled Kleenex,” chortling, she added, “and she just wanted to embarrass him.”
“That, too, sounds like Mom.”
It felt good to laugh with Allison. It was like it used to be with us. Comfortable. Easy. Friendly.
I really missed this.
~~~
“You asked Riley to come to your birthday party?” Allison asked once I hung up the phone.
“Yeah,” I smirked. “He’s probably going to bring a date, so add a ‘plus one’ to the list.”
“I’ll need a name to add to the VIP list, Darby.” Allison and her infuriating organization skills.
“I’ll have it for you tomorrow. He asked me to come over.”
“Again?” she whined. “You have spent a lot of time with Riley lately.”
“He’s been down since he lost his mom and, you know, finding that bat-shit Bailee with the pool boy didn’t help matters. He needed a friend.” And he helps me by making that big gaping hole left from Dex and Jase seem less gape-y. “Don’t worry, Ally. I have a feeling the universe just slapped him upside the head. It sounds like he really likes this girl.”
~~~
“Darby, it was great to meet you,” Vanessa said. “I hope to see you again before I leave.” She hugged me. “I have to go to the bathroom though, so I’ll leave you two to say goodbye without me hovering.”
“It was nice to meet you too, Vanessa.” I whispered, “Don’t worry, I know just what to say.”
I smiled at my new friend. I really liked Vanessa. She had a groovy vibe about her, although she did seem a tad high strung. She was perfect for this broody, dimpled stud.
I watched Vanessa hobble upstairs before turning to Riley.
“She’s your person,” I declared.
His eyes widened before they narrowed. “What makes you say that?”
“Your aura is all better now.”
“Jeez, Darbs, you and your…”
“But listen to me, Chief. You be careful with this one. She needs your strength and patience, so don’t rush this.” I smacked his ridiculously hard abs. “Let her fall for you completely, otherwise she may run for the hills.”
“You know this, huh?”
I shrugged. “Just a hunch.” Biting my lip, I added, “I kind of lied to her, and I feel bad about that. I said some things that might have led her to believe I am a lesbian.”
“Wait, you and Allison… you aren’t a… what?”
I rolled my eyes. “Do you listen to me, like, ever?” I shook my head. “I don’t care if you get mad about this next part. I mean, I know you like your privacy, but I told her a lot about you.”
“Darby,” he began to complain.
“Look, you’re like an emotional Fort Knox when it comes to sharing. I know that skanky-ass Bailee chick robbed a lot of your trust, but if you don’t tell her anything, she’ll leave on Friday, and you’ll
have missed this opportunity to snag this bodaciously beautiful woman. This girl, Riley… I’m telling you.” I grabbed his cheeks. “She’s your person. She’s perfect for you. Take the time to get under her skin.” I pulled him into a tight hug. “Trust me for once. Open up to her before you try to open up her legs.”
“Darby!”
I ignored his red face. “Go slow. Tell her things. It’ll win her over.” I pulled back and looked in his eyes. “Then you can open up her legs.”
“Jeez, why do I put up with you?”
“Because I’m utterly charming, I’m the awesomest person you know, and you love me, duh!”
He kissed my forehead. “Yeah, I do.”
Fuck, why’d he have to go and kiss my fucking forehead. Now my heart aches for the man who usually does it.
Thirty Six
Jase
Journal Entry
“Sunshine of Your Love” – Cream
July 2016
The doctor suggested I make a bucket list. Okay, he didn’t actually call it a bucket list. He wants me to make a list of fun things I’ve never done and cross one thing off each month; the “while you’re still healthy enough to enjoy them” was implied. He says I need to focus on something other than work and my health regimen in an effort to stop worrying about how bad it’s going to get.
So I humored him and made a list, and I’ve been following through with it. It’s hard, though. Every time I do something new, I wish she was here to share it with me. The list was supposed to take my mind off my troubles, not depress the hell out of me because I realize now that I’ve wasted all of my adult life without the woman I love.
The last time I saw her almost two years ago, we spent the night watching movies and falling asleep like we used to do. It was the night she fell asleep on my lap and nuzzled my dick all night. God, that was gloriously painful. The dreams and fantasies it fueled were enough that I was afraid they would cause a faster deterioration. Luckily, all it caused was a nightly session letting those fantasies run wild and taking matters into my own hand.
