The Captain and the Broken Girl (New Hampshire Bears Book 6)

by Mary Smith

  “Have you talked to him?”

  “He’s been texting me, but I’ve not said anything back because I’m still mad at him. Once I calm down, if I ever do, I’ll tell him to bite my ass.”

  “So what is this gift Hamilton sent?”

  I tell Caryn about my run-ins with Hamilton and the Blu-ray player and movie he sent to me.

  “And this is making you mad?”

  “No, confused. Hamilton is what I consider to be my first love. He was there for me when no one else could be. It makes me mad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t need him in my life. I don’t want to be known as Hamilton’s girlfriend. I’m already Taden Long’s daughter. Why can’t I just be Janan?”

  “Who is Janan Long?” Caryn asks me the same question all the time.

  “I don’t know.” It’s the same answer I give her every time and this is the only place I’ll admit it. “I want to be someone. I want to be that person.”

  “Who is that?”

  I stare at the ceiling as a million terms whirl around my head. “Strong. Independent. Smart. Caring. Fighter. Activist. World changer.”

  “Janan, you are all those things.”

  “On the outside I am. I say all the right things at the right time but on the inside there are still parts of me—missing. Not to mention, I don’t want to depend on a man. I don’t need a man.”

  Caryn sighs. She knows where I’m about to go. It’s the same pace I go every single time I’m in this room. I went there on our first visit.

  “You’re not your mother.”

  It’s my biggest fear. I have numerous theories about how Sharon lost her shit and began abusing us. One is she depended on Daddy for everything and lost her way. “You don’t know this. When she was nineteen she was in college, working, and being normal. Then she fell in love, got married, had me and then.” The burn of the tears comes quickly. “I don’t want to hurt people.”

  “You’re not your mother.” She repeats. “You’re much stronger than she is.”

  “I can’t hurt Hamilton,” I say the words before I even realize it.

  “Hamilton?” Caryn questions.

  I shake my head. “I’m thinking out loud.” I wave my hand hoping I can erase what I just said.

  “Come on. You know I’m going to hound you until you tell me.”

  I roll my eyes. “Fine.” I give in because I’ve been here before, and it went round and round until I cracked. “You know I like and care for Hamilton more than anything. However, we never had a real relationship.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “What do you mean?” I turn my head and look at her.

  “You may not have dated in the modern sense, but did you not have a relationship with him?”

  I shrug. “You’re right. We talked all hours of the night when I was at his house. We were constantly texting and such. He knows everything about me, and I feel I know him as well.”

  “That’s a relationship.” Caryn confirms. “And you’re not your mother.”

  There’s a few seconds of silence before she asks me about school. I tell her about changing my major and how I still have to go to my advisor and get the paperwork done. Caryn thinks it’s a great change for me.

  As always, when I leave her office I feel better.

  DAD: HOW ABOUT dinner tomorrow night? Macy will be joining us.

  Nova: I can make lasagna.

  Dad: Perfect.

  Me: Free food? Count me in.

  I love how we can group text. Generally, Daddy normally calls people but texting is a much easier way for us to communicate. Plus, I don’t want to be relaying messages all day between the three of us if we don’t group text.

  It’s my day off, and Nova is working a double. I cleaned the house a bit and now I’m taking a long bath. I’m debating whether or not to text Alex back. After my appointment with Caryn yesterday, I thought a lot about what she said. My fear is becoming Sharon. I don’t tell anyone the fear. No one has a clue, minus Caryn.

  As the water begins to turn cooler I get up and dry off. I stretch out on my bed and turn on my Spotify app and my Bluetooth speaker, letting the music fill the room.

  Since I knew I was alone, I open my nightstand drawer and pull out my vibrator. At one of my earlier visits with Caryn, she had asked about my sexual experience. Of course at the time, I had none. Yes, Hamilton and I did have oral sex and heavy petting, but I’m still holding tight to my V-card. Caryn and I discussed my fantasies because I thought there was something wrong with me. See, I’m the type of girl who enjoys a slightly rougher hand in sex. Well, my idea of sex. No, I don’t want to be whipped and chained, but I’d like to experiment with hard, rough, and maybe even a spank here or there.

  I turn on my vibrator and instantly my thoughts drift to the night with Hamilton. He had invited me to meet up at the hotel. I had been so nervous. We had kissed several times before then, but this was going to be just us two in a hotel.

  I close my eyes and remember the taste of his mouth on mine, the feel of his fingertips pulling hard on my nipples and skimming down my stomach. When he pushed his fingers into me, I’m pretty sure I saw stars. But even more so, when he took my pants off and started to lick me, I never wanted him to stop. When he bit my thighs I almost exploded.

  I continue to work on myself when I relive the moment I put him in my mouth. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing, but Hamilton directed me on what he liked and wanted. I moan feeling the taste of him on my tongue. He told me I didn’t have to swallow, but I did, and it turned me on more.

  I moan louder reliving the night over and over until the tension has left my body, and I’m breathing heavy from relief.

  Damn, I miss him.

  NOVA BRINGS OVER the pan of lasagna, which I love more than anything. Daddy and Macy seem to be happily gazing at each other, and I smirk at their silly looks. It’s sweet to see.

  “Macy, are you going to the Bears fan convention?” Nova asks as she sits. “We have an extra badge.”

  “Oh well, I’d love to.” Macy smiles.

  “I have to say I’m loving your hair cut.” I point out. When we first met Macy she had long blonde hair all the way down the middle of her back. Now, it’s at the top of her collarbone.

  “Thanks.” She pats it. “I can’t remember the last time I had it this short.”

  Daddy dishes out the lasagna for us as Macy tells us all about her move. She works in marketing for a pharmaceutical company and had been living in Portland before relocating here. She even found a condo in the same building as Daddy.

  “Are you girls ready for the fall semester to start back up?” Macy asks.

  “I am. We just got our schedules the other day.” Nova beams.

  “Janan?” Dad questions. “Did you get yours?”

  “Yes.” I shrug.

  “You don’t seem pleased with it,” he inquires.

  “It’s okay. I’ve been thinking about changing my major.” It’s the first time I told them.

  “You have?” Nova seems shocked, as she should be because I’ve been adamant about going to law school and saving the world from criminals.

  “What do you want to do now?” Macy puts down her fork and everyone turns their attention to me.

  “I’m enjoying tutoring a lot and I thought about becoming a teacher.” I pick at the food on my plate.

  “Honey, I think it’s a great idea.” Daddy praises. “You should follow your heart.”

  “Plus, you’ll be helping the young minds of America. I think you’ll have great success.” Macy smiles.

  Everyone turns the conversation to hockey since training camp is about to start soon. But there’s a tug at my heart. Macy’s motherly smile is still burned into my mind. Sharon the bitch never praised me or even smiled at him. She would always treat me like the dog shit she would scrape off her shoe. Now here’s Macy. She treats Nova and me like humans, like equals, like her own…

  “It’ll b
e our first family-like event.” Nova grins.

  As if I had been hit in the head with a puck shot by Hamilton himself, I throw down my napkin and forcefully push my chair back. “Excuse me.” I race away from the table to the bathroom and slam the door shut.

  There are many things I hate. My mother is my main source of hate and crying is the other hatred in my life. When Sharon hit me I would cry, which caused her to hit me harder. Crying is a sign of weakness. Sharon wanted us to be tough girls. Like her. The cunt bitch she is. I detest everything about her. I will never be like her.

  But…

  The knocking on the door comes in softly. “Janan, may I come in?” Macy asks in her kindest tone.

  I blink away the tears which are trying to force their way out. “Sure.”

  The door slowly opens and Macy scans the bathroom until she finds me on the floor. “May I sit next to you?”

  I nod, looking away from her. She shuts the door and sits right next to me and for a good full minute we’re quiet.

  “I want to tell you a story. Something I recently told your father.”

  I remain silent and she begins.

  “I understand what you are going through more so than Taden.”

  I glance at her but then look away again.

  “My dad was not kind and caring like Taden is with you girls. He never hit me, but he was a constant reminder of every failure in my life. My mother died when I was quite young, and he blamed me for it.”

  “He should have met Sharon. They would have had a hoot of a time.” I smart off.

  “Maybe so.” Macy softly giggles. “I’m not trying to take your mother’s place. I swear it, Janan. I adore your father and have the utmost respect for him and you girls. I do. I’m in awe of how strong and independent you both are.”

  “Macy.” I stop. I think about Caryn telling me many times before to be more expressive without being overly blunt and crude. I take a deep breath. “In the few months you’ve been with Daddy you have been more of a mother to me than Sharon was in the eighteen years I’ve walked this earth. I have no family memories of good times with her. Only Daddy and Nova.”

  “The three frogs.”

  “The three frogs.” It’s a silly nickname Nova and I came up with for Daddy and us. Silly because it’s after the Budweiser frogs, but it’s something we still call each other from time to time. “I think very highly of you, Macy. Yes, technically you had an affair with Daddy but their marriage was over long before that. He loved her—in his own way. But you two finding each other gave him hope in his life which neither Nova nor I could give him.” It felt good to say the truth to her. It’s something I should have told her long ago but hadn’t done it.

  “Janan, that’s so kind of you to say. Your father came to me at a time I needed him as well. I was very much alone and buried my life in work. I was drowning I guess and somehow Taden made me feel—real.”

  “I’m glad you both found each other. I mean it.”

  Macy smiles. “How about after the fan convention, the three of us girls go out for dinner? A girls’ night.”

  I can’t lie in saying it warms me to hear her suggestion. “I’d love to and I know Nova would as well.”

  “Then let’s get off this horrible hard floor and finish our delicious dinner.” She stands and reaches out her hand to pull me up and what I did is a shock to us both.

  I hug her. “Thank you, Macy.”

  “You’re most welcome, Janan.” She holds me tight—like a mother would.

  Once we went back out to dinner, no one brought up my abrupt departure, and we finished our meal as a family unit.

  Back at the apartment Alex texts me again and again, until finally I had enough.

  Me: We do need to talk. Meet me at The Latte Bean tomorrow.

  Chapter Six

  Hamilton

  I’M GOING ROW by row in the book store until I find what I’m looking for. I had read an article about books you should read in your twenties. I thought I’d pick up a few for Janan since I know she loves to read.

  I already had A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers and Lit by Mary Karr and I’m searching for The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Finally, I find it and go up to the counter, pay for the items and leave.

  Since Janan already figured out it was me, I thought I’d change up my strategy a bit. Before I was going to remain anonymous, but now, I’m going to flirt. Something I’m not the greatest at, or so I’ve been told.

  Me: Are you at work?

  Nova: I’m just about to leave.

  Me: I’ll be there in ten minutes. Wait for me. I need a favor.

  Nova: Okay, but you’ll have to drive me home.

  Me: No problem.

  I rush over to the steakhouse and see Nova waiting for me on the sidewalk. She jumps up into my truck.

  “Thanks for the pickup, Hammy.”

  I smirk at the nickname she and Janan call me. They’re the only ones who are allowed to. “You know I would.”

  “What’s the favor?”

  I point to the bag next to me. “Give those to Janan. I left a card inside.”

  “Aw, look at you being sweet and romantic.” Nova teases me.

  She’s like a little sister to me. I can never explain how I fell in love with Janan and not Nova because they’re the same age. But I love Janan and Nova is my kid sis.

  “What’s the card say?”

  “Something cheesy and unlike me.”

  “You’re sweet.” She picks up the bag and places it in her tote.

  “How are things with you?”

  “Great. I guess.” She looks away from me.

  I know she’s lying. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”

  “You have enough on your plate.”

  “Nova, tell me,” I state a little firmer.

  “I’m a liar.”

  “What? What do you mean?” Nova is too sweet to tell lies.

  “I lied to Jan about this guy at work. I told her I had a crush on him and really I don’t have one on him.”

  “I don’t understand. Why lie about something like that?”

  “Because I have a crush on someone else and if I tell her she’ll just be... well... herself and try to protect me as she always does.”

  “Who is it? Do I know him?”

  Nova groans and hides her face from me.

  “Is it a Bear?” Obviously, it has to be a Bear or a hockey player because I don’t know many other people.

  “It’s Teo.”

  “Teo?” I practically yell. Of all the single Bears on the team, Teo isn’t the first one to pop into my head.

  “Hey, he’s a nice guy and good looking. Do... do you think I’m not good enough for him?”

  Poor Nova. The girl has a lot of insecurities. I pull into her parking lot and turn to her. “Nova, if something goes on between you and Teo it’s him who isn’t good enough for you. You’re a bright, determined, and kind female. He’d be lucky to have you as a girlfriend.”

  She smiles. “Thanks, Hammy.”

  “Now, does he know this? Or is it like a long distance type of thing?”

  “He has no clue. I’ve only talked to him a few times. I’m too shy and definitely not able to tell him.” She puts her finger in my face, pointing it at me. “And don’t you say anything. It’s just a crush.”

  “Janan and I started out as a crush.” I remind her.

  She rolls her eyes, just like Janan does. “Thank you for the ride, Hammy. I’ll see you tomorrow at the convention.”

  “Bye, Nova. See ya tomorrow and thanks for helping me out.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  As I watch to make sure she gets inside, I decided I’d grab a coffee before I head home and rest up for tomorrow. I like the conventions because you get to meet so many fans and such, but at the same time they are so tiring.

  I park at The Latte Bean, jump out of my truck and stroll in. Luckily, since it’s later at night, there aren’t many people he
re. I pay for my order, and as I’m about to leave, I spot Janan’s long brown hair. I’d recognize it anywhere. Of course, I’m surprised to see Alex sitting across from her.

  Jealousy runs straight up my spine.

  I can see Alex is not happy right now and part of me wants to stay and make sure Janan is okay. However, it takes everything I have to leave. I go to the truck and look around for Janan’s car, but I don’t see it, and I wonder if she came with Alex. I grab my phone.

  Me: I was in The Latte Bean and saw you. Are you okay?

  I am not going to leave until I know she’s okay.

  Janan: I’m fine. We’re just talking.

  I believe her and head home, but I don’t like it.

  I WAKE UP earlier than normal to make sure I get some type of workout done. I check my phone and see Janan sent me a text.

  Janan: You’ve been watching too much TV because your note was funny and thank you for the books.

  I smile at my cell phone. The note I sent with the books said: These books might put you to sleep, or may make you smarter.

  Me: I’m glad you enjoyed them. What happened w/ the guy?

  I can’t remember the last time I smiled during a run. I get to see her today. Of course, I don’t really get to spend time with her because I’ll be busy, but I’ll know she’ll be around.

  After a shower and shave, I check my phone again but Janan hadn’t answered me back. I’m worse than a teenager. My phone dings again, but it’s from Alden.

  Alden: Nat, Teo & I want to ride w/ you. #saveongas

  Me: Why are you using a hashtag in a text?

  Alden: #becauseIamAWESOME

  I roll my eyes.

  Me: Have everyone gather at your place. I’ll be there in twenty.

  I finish getting dressed in a pair of black pants, a plain button down, and a yellow tie. I grab the matching jacket, my keys, phone, and rush out the door.

  I take my car since I’m picking up the guys, even though we all could fit in my truck. Alden doesn’t live too far from my place. When I pull up, I honk twice and they quickly come out. It’s the first time I’d seen Teo, and Nathan’s right, he did get a little bigger and is more cut. Hopefully, this will help him be a better goalie.