Like There's No Tomorrow

by Camille Eide

  Emily shook her head.

  “Makes it harder for the boys to catch you.”

  With a smile, Emily shook her head. She’d known Grace’s doc long enough to know he was from a generation that had no use for “political correctness.”

  “You’re probably well-prepared for hiking the Scottish hills. I hear the countryside is breathtaking, especially in late summer. You must be eager to go.”

  “Yes.” At least I was. “Actually, there is a health issue I’d like to ask you about.” She glanced at Aunt Grace.

  Lips pursed, he nodded. “Grace, Emily and I need to step out into the hall for a moment. Are you okay? Do you need assistance?”

  Aunt Grace smiled. “Och, no dearie. I always dress myself.”

  “I’ll be right back, Aunt Grace.” Emily followed the doctor. In the hall, Emily asked if he knew about DNA testing for Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy.

  Dr. Fletcher explained that Oregon Health and Sciences University in Portland offered individual genetic testing as well as clinical research studies. “Why do you ask?”

  “I think both my mom and grandmother died of HCM and I need to know what the chances are that I inherited it. How soon can I get tested?”

  He hesitated. “Well, it’s a process. Initially, it’s done to confirm a doctor’s diagnosis. It involves screening, preliminary examinations—a number of things.” He studied her. “We would need to begin with a full examination. Have you experienced any symptoms? Shortness of breath, dizziness, fatigue, heart palpitations?”

  Emily remembered the episode on the beach. “Yes, a few of those.”

  Frowning, he nodded. “Those can be heart related. They can also be attributed to stress.” He patted her shoulder. “Why don’t you see me for an exam when you return from your trip? We’ll go from there.”

  She swallowed the tightness in her throat. “I need to know as soon as possible. In Scotland, there’s a man ...” She swallowed again, fighting for control of her voice. “It’s really important that I know before I leave, if possible. He’s already been through ... He’s a widower.” Unable to trust her voice to finish, she met his gaze. Would he understand?

  “Ah.” He studied her, nodding. “Okay. Tell you what, Emily. Have a seat in the waiting room with Grace. Someone will call for you in a few minutes.”

  In the lobby, Emily got Aunt Grace a cup of tea and found a short story in a magazine to read to her. As she read, her heart whispered a prayer. Lord, please help the doctor tell me one way or the other so I know for sure. For Ian’s sake. But, Lord, please, could You just make me well? So no one suffers? So he and I can think about a life together?

  “Emily Chapman?” A nurse clad in blue waited in the doorway.

  Leaving Aunt Grace, Emily trailed after the woman. But instead of an exam room, the nurse led Emily to an X-ray area. She fitted her with the proper gear and guided Emily through the positioning, stepped around the door, and buzzed a few times.

  Emily watched the nurse’s face for a telltale sign, for something.

  The nurse finished up and sent her to Dr. Fletcher’s office to wait.

  About five minutes later, he arrived with her film. He stuck it on a wall-mounted case and flipped on the backlight.

  Holding her breath, Emily stared at it, half expecting to see something weird. It was the first time Emily had seen an image of her own heart. Was it normal? Abnormal?

  “Remember, an X-ray is not entirely conclusive, Emily. Now then, this one tells us that your heart is slightly enlarged, which can indicate HCM.”

  Dizziness hit and Emily gripped the chair arms to steady herself. So it was true. She made herself focus on the doctor’s words.

  “But it can also be caused by a number of other things. There are some additional tests we can run, but it’s not imperative to do them now. Go on and take Grace to Scotland, and I’ll see you when you get back. Be sure and make an appointment at the desk before you leave. Okay?”

  She nodded. “Thank you.”

  Enlarged heart ... HCM ...

  In a daze, Emily passed the appointment desk, collected her aunt, and escorted her to the sedan. It wasn’t until much later, as they neared Juniper Valley, that Emily realized she’d been driving in silence, lost in a numbing cold fog.

  “So quiet, dearie. But of course ye’re tired.” Aunt Grace sighed. “Such a dear lass. All this fuss for such a tiresome, old woman.”

  Emily shot a quick look at her aunt. “Oh, no. It’s no trouble at all, Aunt Grace. I was just thinking.”

  A jab of guilt stirred her already churning stomach. She’d spent the entire drive home trying to decide whether or not she should tell Ian and hadn’t once thought about her dear aunt. How could she tell Grace? Confiding in the old woman would only distress her.

  There was one person who would never forgive her if she didn’t confide.

  When they arrived at the house, Emily slipped outside and called Jaye. She eased into the details of what she’d learned and did her best to soften the news.

  “What? You’ve known about this?” Jaye’s voice jumped two octaves. “Emily, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I—I didn’t want to say anything until I knew more.” Emily swallowed hard. If Jaye thought Emily was crying, she would crumble.

  “You have to check into the hospital right now and get a full checkup. I mean it, Em. What if, you know, something happens while you’re in Scotland? What then?”

  Emily squeezed her eyes tight. As much as she loved that her friend cared, her alarm wasn’t helping. “Dr. Fletcher doesn’t seem too worried if he thinks I can wait a month for a full exam.”

  She finally convinced Jaye it wasn’t necessary to come over and ended the call. The doctor didn’t think it was anything to worry about right now. Emily had to hold onto that hope and silence the menacing whisper. I can’t die. What about the Juniper Ranch kids? What about having a home of my own?

  What about Ian?

  Emily steeled herself to put it aside for a while and spent the evening helping Aunt Grace fit the new purchases in her suitcases. After Grace went to bed, Emily scoured the Oregon Health and Sciences University website. She found the genetic counseling department and sent a request for information on testing, praying she would hear from someone before Friday. Two more days. She needed at least to make contact and, with any luck, start the process to schedule tests.

  Once her message was sent, she looked at the research studies offered at OHSU. She skimmed several articles until she saw a section with the heading Enlarged Heart. The article gave a list of tests to determine the extent of tissue damage. The end of the section included a list of other possible causes of an enlarged heart. She read the list twice, focusing on one bulleted point in particular.

  Regular exercise—such as running—could also cause a slightly enlarged heart, was considered normal, and posed no health risks.

  Emily drew a slow breath and let the information sink in. What if her running routine was all it was? And maybe her little episode at the beach was just stress, like the doctor said.

  It was possible.

  She read her Bible and slipped into bed, praying as her head hit the pillow. Ian was waiting for her, longing to see her. Her heart ached.

  Her dad had a point.

  If this turned out badly, Ian would be hurt—again. If her future was uncertain, then she couldn’t allow him to continue caring for her. But if nothing was wrong, she didn’t want to push him away needlessly.

  I need to know, God. Help me know for sure, one way or the other. “Because by Friday,” she whispered in the dark, “I’ll be in Scotland, no matter what.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Tapping. No, hammering. Someone must be building a hay barn.

  Emily rolled over and squinted at the clock next to her bed.

  6:05 a.m. Thursday. She must’ve been dreaming. But the sound of knocking continued, this time insistent.

  Who would come by this early? She grabbed a hoodi
e, slipped it on over her p.j.’s, and shuffled to the front room. Her hair fell around her shoulders in a riot of loose waves. She tucked some behind one ear and opened the door.

  A man stood on the porch.

  Emily blinked hard. “Dad—?” She stared at her disheveled father, her fuzzy mind working to register that this was really her dad standing on the front porch for the first time in—ever.

  He looked awful, like he’d been drinking. She glanced past him at his Suburban and then looked into his eyes. No, not drunk, but definitely a mess. Distraught.

  “What’s wrong? What are you doing here?” Her voice cracked with sleep.

  Her dad’s swollen, bloodshot eyes glanced around the room behind her. “Where’s Grace?”

  “Sleeping. What’s going on?”

  “I need to talk to you. Outside.” He withdrew to a spot at the edge of the porch and stood with his back to her, facing the valley.

  Emily hesitated, then stepped out and closed the door behind her. What would her dad have to say that would make him drive all the way out here at the crack of dawn?

  His back swelled as he drew a deep breath. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but you’ve given me no choice. It’ll be even worse if I don’t.” He lifted his face skyward and muttered, “And I don’t need any more guilt.”

  Guilt? Her mind raced, but she held her tongue.

  He propped a stiff arm against the post. “Your mom and Grandma Janice both died of a rare type of heart disease. It shows very little symptoms until adulthood. It’s fatal.” He pulled in another deep breath. “And ... it’s genetic.”

  So you knew about it. All this time. Trembling, she whispered, “Go on.”

  He deflated. “They inherited it. And so did you.”

  “What are you saying? That you know this for sure? About me?”

  He nodded.

  “How could you possibly know?”

  “Your great-uncle Thomas told me.”

  “Uncle Thomas?” Her mom’s uncle? “When?” Images from the past jumbled in her mind as she tried to do a mental rewind. “He died eight years ago. And he’d retired from medicine years before that.”

  “When your mom died, so young and in such a similar way as his sister, Thomas suspected a connection.” Dad carefully nudged a flower pot away from the edge of the porch with the toe of his boot. “He researched it with a medical university team, both here and overseas.”

  That didn’t mean anything. Had this research specifically included Emily? She didn’t remember anything about it. But then, she’d drifted in a fog after her mom died and very little from those years registered in her memory.

  “Dad, I don’t understand. He studied it, but what made him think I have it?”

  Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t remember the details, the genetic science involved was beyond me. He came to me with folders of research notes. Explained how it’s inherited and how you would—” He lifted his head skyward, as though he expected someone else to finish the sentence for him.

  “Die?” A cold fist struck into Emily’s belly, numbing her. Uncle Thomas knew she had it? Did Aunt Grace know too? No. That wasn’t possible. “No. He would have told me.”

  “Wait.” Her dad trudged down the steps to his rig, took something from the dash and returned with a stained, wrinkly envelope. Without meeting her eyes, he held it out to her.

  She turned it over and stared at the faded word written in the center. Emily.

  “It’s from Thomas. He wanted to wait to tell you because you’d just lost your mom. He thought it would be better to let me decide when the time was right to give that to you.”

  “The right time? And you think this is it?”

  The image of her mom’s pretty, young face as she lay dying flooded her thoughts. Emily had come home from school and heard a faint moan. She hurried down the hall to her parents’ bedroom and gasped. Her mom lay in an awkward heap beside the lodge pine bed, covers askew and tangled around her feet, skin blue.

  “Mom! What happened?” Emily knelt near her mom’s head and reached a hand under her neck. “Let me help you up—”

  Mom breathed another weak moan. “No, Emmy.” Her eyes fluttered but only opened to thin slits, her breath so faint Emily could barely hear her. The smell of urine was unmistakable. How long had she been lying here?

  “Okay, just a sec. Dad’s coming, okay? He’s out feeding the dogs, he’ll—”

  Mom’s eyes closed.

  Emily gasped. “Mom?”

  “My sweet, sunshine girl,” Mom whispered. Her eyes opened a little, drifted into focus on Emily. “Remember our secret place? We’ll share one again, Em. A far … better one. Forever.”

  The meaning of her words hit Emily like a sandbag, sending a numbing wave through her. “Mom, you’re gonna be okay. I’m calling 911.” She moved to get up, but another moan held her.

  Mom’s lips moved without sound.

  Emily leaned close.

  “Remember … I love you more than life, Em.”

  Emily whimpered, her panic rising. “I—I love you too, Mom.”

  “And remember to … help your daddy.”

  “Help him do what?

  “Keep living. Please, Em ... promise me.”

  “Okay—yes, I promise.”

  Mom’s eyes closed and, with barely a sound, she breathed, “Ray ...”

  Emily’s breath came in panicked bursts.

  Her dad’s boots sounded on the porch and the front door opened.

  “Dad!” she screamed.

  He was there in seconds. “Jess!” He dropped to one knee and placed his fingertips on the side of her throat. “Emily, call 911!”

  Emily stumbled to the kitchen and brought back the cordless phone, punching the numbers as she hurried to the bedroom.

  Her dad was still pressing fingers to her mom’s neck. Her oddly blue neck. “No, baby, no. Come on!”

  Come on, Mom! Please, God!

  Dad started chest compressions. The ringing on the other end of the phone line kept time with his steady rhythm.

  “C’mon, Jess ... c’mon!” He kept at it, stopping briefly to feel her neck with a shaking hand. His face went pale. “C’mon, baby, please!”

  The sight of her strong dad pleading like that sent paralyzing fear ripping through her. She trembled so hard she almost dropped the phone. When the dispatcher answered, Emily sobbed something incoherent about needing an ambulance and then fell silent.

  Dad picked up her mom’s lifeless body and pulled her to his chest. “No, no, no! Don’t do this! Don’t do this!” Huge, shuddering sobs shook his entire body.

  “Mom?” Emily clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the rising scream and moved toward her mother, trembling at the nearness of her dad’s agonized weeping.

  He laid Mom on the bed, then pounded the wall, roaring “No!” with each thunderous blow.

  Shaking, Emily reached out and touched her mom’s unmoving arm.

  “She’s gone.” Dad choked on the words.

  Emily burst into tears.

  He sank to his knees and pressed his forehead to his wife’s. “You should have let me take you somewhere else. We could have kept trying.”

  “But she said nothing could be done.” The words caught in her aching throat.

  Dad lifted his head and pushed the hair away from Mom’s temple. His face twisted with a mix of pain and anger. “She was tired. Tired of tests. Spending all her time running around, getting the same answers.” His face crumpled as he studied her face. “She made me stop, Emily. She—” The words came out tight. “She didn’t want to miss out on any more of your life.”

  Cold crept through Emily, quickening along every nerve and muscle, enveloping her.

  Sirens grew louder and bright pink light flickered bigger and higher against one wall until the whole room was a blinking, neon strobe.

  Emily could hear those sirens even now as she stood on the porch staring at her uncle’s unopened letter. “I didn’t just l
ose her, Dad,” Emily said in a choked whisper. “I watched her die. Then I watched you fall apart and shut yourself off. I lost you too.” Saying the words touched off a wave of sorrow that hit with hurricane force. She rushed past him and ran down the steps, but her legs buckled. She stumbled and fell to the dirt. Numb, she couldn’t move.

  As his footsteps approached, the chill of his shadow fell over her.

  “Why did you keep this from me?”

  He didn’t answer.

  She looked up, wiping her wet face with her sweatshirt sleeve.

  His shoulders sagged under the weight of some unseen burden. Pain twisted his face.

  “Why didn’t you—” Gasping, she stood up and faced him. “Is that why you’ve been pushing me away?”

  He turned from her and looked across the desert without answering. Finally, he spoke, his coarse whisper barely audible. “I can’t go through that again.” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

  “You can’t?” She stared at his back. “Because you couldn’t stand to lose anyone else, you chose to not love me?” Tears clogged her throat, nearly choking her, as she fought for control.

  His frame shuddered and the weight of his pain hit Emily. Seeing her dad cry sent a fresh blast of sorrow through her.

  Such crushing burdens they both bore and yet never shared.

  She covered her face and wept. When she could finally steady her voice, she spoke. “You said you weren’t going to tell me. Why now?”

  “I have no choice,” he said quietly. “You said he loves you.”

  Ian.

  She tried to breathe, but no air would come. It was as if a giant boulder had landed on her chest and pressed all the air from her lungs.

  “He already lost one wife, Emily. I can’t stand back and let him walk straight into that again.” Dad’s body trembled as he turned to her. He wiped his eyes with a shaky hand and met her gaze. “It’s a nightmare to watch someone you love more than life slipping away. I lived that hell. I still live it. It’s a wound that never stops bleeding.”

  Emily shook her head. “But, Dad, what if—”