Blow

by McLaughlin, Heidi

  “Kimberly,” I murmur, not sure what I’m supposed to do or say. I’ve never done this before. After a pause the words begin to spill out. “What Dr. Rosenberg said back there is wrong. It’s different for you and me. You already know my demons and everything about me. I have nothing to hide from you. Everything that I am, moving forward, is because you had faith in me, because you guided me to a place that I’d never been.”

  “And what place is that, Bodhi?”

  “Forgiveness, love, happiness. These are all things that I’ve never known existed until you showed them to me.”

  I sit down beside her and mirror her posture, with my legs pulled to my chest. I look not at her but at the tiny fire I’m assuming she started in the pit.

  “Before I came here I was lost. My family didn’t care what I was doing. I met the guys and I started seeing myself differently, but with that, fear set in. What if I got tossed out of the group and lost their friendship? What if they forgot me? I did everything I could to stay in that group because I felt like I finally had someone who saw me for me and didn’t care who my parents are or what kind of house I live in. I wanted acceptance, and they gave it to me.

  “Then I started taking it all for granted. I was so stupid, not realizing what an opportunity I’d been given. Rebel should’ve kicked me out, but instead she sent the three of us home for a month. This became my home, and you became someone that I looked forward to seeing every day and counted on seeing in my dreams at night. You became a reason for me to do something better, to get better.”

  “Relationships that start in places like this don’t survive out in the real world,” she says softly.

  But I counter with, “That’s why we’re going to start this out in the real world. I know we live a couple of hours away from each other, but we can make this work. I want to have a relationship with you, and I hope you feel the same.”

  “We both have demanding jobs,” she says. “And your job has rabid fans!”

  “Rabid?” I question, finally looking at her.

  “Yes, they’re crazy. I’ve seen them—well, photos of them—and I’ve seen how they act when you guys are around. If you had a girlfriend, they would revolt.”

  “You’re a fan,” I say, reminding her with a wink. She blushes and hides her face. I gently pull her hands away and hold them in mine, but her eyes remain downcast.

  “So what if they’re rabid, crazy, and somewhat off-kilter?” I ask, shrugging. “If they knew how much I cared about her, how much I want to spend my time with her, and how I’m falling in love with her more and more with each passing day, they’d love her just as much as I do.”

  Those words cause Kim to look at me. There are unshed tears in her eyes that cause my heart to break. “You’re falling in love with me?”

  I nod. “I am, and I like how I feel, especially when I’m with you. I know we don’t know each other that well, but . . . the feeling I have when I’m with you is amazing. I don’t even know the words to describe what it’s like, but if I had to, I’d say my heart is having a fucking party every time you’re near, and when you’re not, well, every part of me just aches.”

  Her tears fall, which causes me to well up too. “Don’t cry.” I cup her cheek with my hand, pulling her into my arms.

  “I’m falling for you too, and that’s why this hurts so much—you’re leaving and I won’t see you anymore.”

  I kiss her below her ear and nuzzle her neck. “I am leaving, but think of all the privacy we can have when you come to my place, even though I’ll be living with my parents. Their house is massive and they’re hardly ever home. We don’t have to hide in the closet, unless you want to, and we don’t have to sneak out into the woods to talk and kiss.” I leave a long lingering kiss on her neck. “I know you’re busy and we have a lot to learn about each other, but that’s what the weekends are for, and I can come down and see you after work. Take you to dinner, maybe even a movie.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  “Say you’ll come see me this weekend, that you’ll come to Los Angeles and meet my friends. Tell me you’ll come to Beverly Hills to meet my parents.”

  “I know your parents.”

  “Not as my girlfriend you don’t, and that’s how I want to introduce you.”

  Kimberly pulls back a bit and looks me in the eyes. I love that her blue eyes match mine. “Your girlfriend?”

  “Unless you don’t like the label. I can always call you ‘my babe’ or ‘my woman.’”

  Kim starts laughing and pushes me away. “‘Girlfriend’ is fine. Just don’t call me ‘bae.’”

  “Oh hell no. That word will never come out of my mouth unless I’m asking for bacon and eggs.”

  I pull her back toward me and wrap my arms around her, trying to memorize the way she feels before I have to leave.

  “When do you think you can come up?”

  “Hmm . . . I can take a long weekend.”

  “That’s perfect,” I tell her. “I can’t wait for you to meet Brayden and Carson.”

  “I’m afraid,” she says as her hands grab my forearms.

  “Of what?”

  “What if I don’t fit in your life? What if the cameras hate me? Not to mention the fans.”

  I angle my head to the side so I can see her and kiss her lightly on the nose. “The cameras are a nuisance; you can try wearing a hat. But they’re going to love you. The fans are what they are; Rebel created them that way, and I can’t do anything about that. But if we want privacy, we’ll stay at my parents’ or we’ll rent a hotel room and stay wrapped in each other’s arms. I’m not opposed to renting out restaurants for a little privacy either. My life is better when you’re in it, and I want a chance to explore where this could go.”

  Leaning in, I kiss her again, and this time I hold on a bit longer.

  “Okay,” she whispers against my lips.

  “Okay?”

  She nods. “I want to know you and be with you, Bodhi. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.” She kisses me passionately, helping me forget the end of her sentence. I should ask her about her past, but I don’t want to. The important things I know or will learn when we’re blissed out of our minds in L.A.

  Fifteen

  Bodhi

  Freedom! That’s what I feel right now. Somehow the air seems different when I’m standing on the other side of the entrance to Serenity Springs. Deep in the back of my mind I know it’s not possible for the air to be any different, but it feels like it is.

  As promised, my parents are here to pick me up. The warm embrace from both of them reminds me that they’re making a change in their lives and it’s all because of me. It sucks that it took me getting addicted to coke for this change to happen, though.

  After spending my last few hours with Kimberly, sitting in the woods and talking about how things are going to be when I leave, we decided we would say goodbye out there, away from prying eyes and ears, and away from anyone who could suspect something is going on between us. Neither of us wants her to lose her job over our affair, although if she did, I’d ask her to come work as my assistant. I don’t need one, at least not at the moment, but I’d have plenty for her to do. Her main responsibility would be to never leave my side. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

  Sitting inside my dad’s car with the leather seats supporting my body should be a good thing, but it’s not, and as my hand runs over the smooth seat, I can’t quite figure out why. The car door slams, shutting me in while my parents talk to Bruce. Looking out the window, I see Kim standing by the main door, watching. Does she miss me as much as I miss her already?

  Dr. Rosenberg didn’t go over how we’re supposed to feel when we leave rehab, only how we cope with our triggers and the way we should try to live. Right now I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin, and I can’t pinpoint why. For me it could be a combination of the unknown back in Los Angeles and the fear of leaving the security of Serenity Springs.

  My life i
s no longer under a watchful eye and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to say no to the temptations that are going to be there no matter where I look, or don’t look. It’s part of the scene in which I live, but I don’t want to give up the group out of fear that I might relapse. My palms start to sweat, and I grab the door handle, almost ready to check myself back in.

  According to Dr. Rosenberg, I’m clean, not cured. She says addicts are never fully cured; their mind and body will always remember what the drug felt like. Surprisingly, addicts almost always remember the good part of it. Not the part where you freak out in your doctor’s office because she has a ladybug picture on the wall. I shudder at the images that replay in my mind from that day. That alone should be enough to keep me clean for the rest of my life.

  My parents get in the car, happy and chatting away about something that I pay no mind to. I rest my head on the window and keep my eyes on Kimberly, who is becoming nothing more than a shadow as my dad drives away. The place that I’ve called home for a month disappears as we head down the long, winding driveway, and before I realize it, we’re back in the city, buildings and people surrounding us. There are people everywhere, rushing off to someplace. It’s too much for me to take in, so I close my eyes, put my head back, and fall asleep.

  “Wake up,” my mom says as she pats me on the arm. I’m groggy, slightly disoriented, and praying that the dream I had of Kimberly and me being together isn’t just a dream but my reality. I look out the window and see my parents’ massive Beverly Hills mansion.

  While I was in rehab my father took the liberty of cleaning out my apartment in Los Angeles. I don’t want to know what he found in there. I wasn’t taking care of myself that last month, and Lord knows Aspen wasn’t taking care of anything.

  Aspen.

  I haven’t asked my dad about her, mostly because I’m afraid of what he might say. She’s a bad habit that I have to forget, but she’s part of the industry, so I’ll likely see her. And when I do, I have to be strong and remember how I feel when I’m with Kimberly. It’s Kim who needs to be my focus.

  Work starts tomorrow. My saving grace is that it’ll be at my parents’ for the next month and not at our usual studio, where I know I can score some coke. I’m happy to stay away from there until I’m stronger, and honestly, I like that Brayden and Carson will be hanging out here. When we’re tired and in need of being refreshed, we can jump in the pool. Plus the ample amount of food that is always in the house doesn’t hurt.

  There’s a list of things I need to do, and that starts with apologizing to my parents, Rebel, Bray, and Carson. No one should’ve had to deal with that shit from me, and they need to know that I’m sorry.

  My dad tries to help me with my bag, but this time I’m an able-bodied man and I sling it over my shoulder and let my other hand rest on his as we follow my mother into the house. The delicious smell of cookies slams into me, and I know Joan has made my favorite.

  “Damn, I missed Joan’s cooking.”

  “Bodhi,” Joan says, coming around the corner. Joan has worked for my parents for over twenty years. “We missed you.”

  “Thanks, Joan. I missed you too.” I lean down and give her a kiss on her cheek, earning a small giggle out of her.

  “Let me take this to your room.” My dad tries to reach for my bag, but I shrug him off.

  “I got it.”

  “Are you sure, Bodhi? You just got home.” My mom rests her hand on my wrist.

  I nod, but sigh. “I think I need a minute.”

  I leave my parents in the foyer and head up to my old room. It’s been so long since I’ve been in that room, but I’m sure that my mother had it cleaned and refreshed. I take a deep breath and twist the doorknob. Inside, I’m pleasantly surprised to find that I feel welcome in this room. The dark blue walls I had growing up are the same, as is my comforter. Added are a few items of Virtuous Paradox memorabilia I had at my apartment.

  Sitting on my bed, I feel both relief and the beginnings of anxiety. I fucked up big-time, and now I have to live with my parents. I’m too old for this shit, but there isn’t any way around it. I can’t be on my own, at least not yet. My parents are going to have expectations, though, and I don’t know if I can meet them. Hell, I don’t even know what they are yet and I’m already freaking out.

  Once my clothes are unpacked, I take a seat on my bed and notice my cellphone sitting on the bedside table. I pick it up and study it like it’s a foreign object. I thought I’d miss this, my lifeline, but I didn’t. I think that’s because I had so much at Serenity Springs to occupy my time. I wasn’t bored there, and maybe that’s why the program worked for me.

  “I kept it off,” my dad says from the doorway.

  “Yeah. I’m kind of afraid to turn it on.”

  “I don’t blame you,” he sighs as he steps in. He sits in the chair across from my bed, bringing one leg up to rest on his opposite knee. “Even though we’re going to try not to hover, you should expect a little bit of it.”

  “I figured as much.”

  “We know you’re an adult and have been one for some time, but we’re worried. Tomorrow you’re going to be right in the thick of it again, and that concerns us. We don’t want to see that happen to you again.”

  “You know, I had a lot of time to think while I was there, and I realized that I didn’t like who I was when I was high. Still, I have a lot of things to work on, and it’s going to take some time. I need for you and Mom to be patient with me.”

  “We will be, son.”

  “And thank you for letting the guys come over here to rehearse.”

  “No worries there, Bodhi. Everything is all set up in the rec room. Brayden and Carson are welcome here anytime. Plus your mother met Maggie one day when she came over with Brayden, and your mom fell in love with that little girl.”

  Maggie is the daughter of Natalie, who is Brayden’s best friend. Natalie lives with him, but she’s not his girlfriend. Maggie’s father is Natalie’s on-again, off-again, never-dating-you-again boyfriend, who followed Natalie to Los Angeles after she followed Brayden. Their lives are like a soap opera, but Bray’s love for Natalie and Maggie is solid.

  I nod. “So Bray and Carson know about my stint in rehab?”

  My dad sighs and leans forward on his elbows. “They do. We had them over for dinner. I didn’t trust Rebel to tell them the truth, and I thought they’d appreciate knowing what’s going on.”

  “Thank you,” I say gratefully. “Dad, really, I can’t thank you enough. I knew I had to tell them everything, but I was dreading it, and it’s a huge relief knowing that you’ve already told them most of it.”

  “They were questioning why you three were going to rehearse here, and I didn’t want any rumors out there. When you’re ready to tell the public, your mother and I will be right behind you.”

  I get up and pull my dad into a hug, fighting back tears. I won’t cry, at least not in front of him. Once I let go, he stands and moves toward my door. Looking back at me, he says, “I’m proud of you, Bodhi.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  As soon as my door shuts, I turn on my phone. Once the boot-up is complete, the messages come rolling in. The sheer number of notifications makes me anxious. When Aspen’s name pops up, I freeze. I still don’t know what to do about her. The obvious choice is to ignore her, but that will work only until the next industry party. My finger hovers over her name, tempted to see what she has to say, but then I see a number that I don’t recognize. I quickly fish Kim’s number out of my pocket and give a fist pump when I see they match. Her text tells me that she misses me. Instead of texting her back, I call her.

  “Hello?”

  “You miss me already? Was it my charming personality or my big dick?”

  Kim gasps, which makes me laugh. This is who I am. I’m fun, crude, and a cocky bastard. “Bodhi, I can’t believe you said that.”

  “But you’re thinking it now, aren’t you?”

  She gets quiet, and I know she
’s remembering our time in the closet.

  “Kimberly,” I say huskily, “if it helps, I’m thinking about you and your face when I make you come. Right now it’s going to get me through the days of not seeing you.”

  “I think about you too,” she says quietly. “It’s going to be a long week.”

  “We’ll make the best of it, baby. I promise.”

  I change the subject quickly because the sex talk is going to get me riled up and I don’t have a picture of Kim to jack off to. Having blue balls until she gets here isn’t really the type of thing I want to experience.

  We stay on the phone for an hour, making plans for this weekend and promises to each other that we’re going to do everything we can to get to know each other. I add the bonus promise of me doing everything I can do to make her come, repeatedly, so that she doesn’t forget me when she has to go back to work.

  Sixteen

  Kimberly

  “He said what? You did what?” Daphne is yelling, with her arms waving around in the air like a crazy woman. Her wine is spilling all over my couch. Chick can’t hold her liquor.

  “He asked me if I missed his dick and I told him yes,” I say, covering my face. “What the hell is wrong with me? Oh, I know,” I say, answering my own question. “I’m a whore.” I reach for my glass of wine and guzzle it down, hoping to numb my brain. I figure if it’s numb I can’t remember how utterly ridiculous I am.

  “You’re not a whore, Kimmy. But now I have to know, who is this guy?”

  I shake my head, unsure if I should tell her now or make her wait until my face is plastered all over Page Six after I go see him. Holding his identity close to my heart for a little while longer is a nice thought. On the other hand, she’s my best friend, and if I’m going to be dating him, they’ll likely meet.

  “Have you told your father that you humped one of his patients?”

  My face turns red, and I empty the wine bottle into my glass and drink it down.