Drop Dead Sexy

by Katie Ashley

  And Catcher last thrust had propelled me to the back of gurney, causing Mr. Delaney’s hand to brush against my bare ass.

  I began flailing my arms and kicking my legs to get the gurney to move. When it didn’t budge, I scrambled away, shoving Catcher off me. With my skirt pushed up over my hips, I then did a heeby-jeeby dance around the preparation room. “Ew, ew, EW!”

  “Babe, what the hell? You totally just killed my post-fuck buzz.” Catcher stood facing me with his pants around his ankles, and his deflated, condom-attired penis against his thigh.

  I rubbed my ass cheek as if I could rub off the ickiness of having a corpse cop a feel on you. Sure, I had brushed up against the dead before and during preparation, but I had on my work apron and gloves.

  After glancing back and forth between Mr. Delaney and me, Catcher finally burst out laughing. “Did you just get goosed in the ass by a dead guy?”

  “It’s not funny.”

  “Actually, it kinda is.”

  “Yeah, I’d like to see how much you’d like it,” I grumbled while pulling my thong back on. I then shimmied my skirt back down my thighs. As I started to put Mr. Delaney’s hand back on the gurney, I froze, holding it in midair

  “What is it?” Catcher asked.

  I glanced up from Mr. Delaney’s hand to look at Catcher. “His fingernails have arsenic lines.”

  His eyes widened as he closed the distance between us. “Holy shit. Poisoning?”

  “See the wide, white lines in his nail beds.”

  Catcher leaned over and examined Mr. Delaney’s hands. He let out a low whistle. “I’ll be damned.”

  I shook my head dejectedly. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”

  “It wasn’t like you were answering a call for a suspicious death. Hell, the hospital didn’t even notice it.”

  “He was probably just exhibiting signs of a stroke brought on by the poisoning. If they even saw the early lines, they would’ve probably just thought it was a lack of oxygenation.”

  Jerking his chin at Mr. Delaney, Catcher asked, “What do you know about him?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing really. I’ve never seen him before tonight. He must be new to town…” My voice trailed off as my hand flew to my mouth. “Oh my God. Mr. Delaney had something to do with Randy’s murder, didn’t he?”

  “I’d say it was pretty fucking likely.” Catcher started straightening his clothes. “I’ve got to call this in—get the guys figuring out what connection Delaney could possibly have to Randy.”

  “Of course.”

  He grabbed his suit jacket off the floor and dug his cell phone out of it. He started punching numbers but then stopped to look at me. “This weird ass turn of events means I’m not going to get to take you to dinner tonight.”

  “That’s okay. I understand.”

  Catcher gave a frustrated shake of his head. “No, it’s not. I’ve had you four times now and have yet to buy you dinner.”

  I laughed. “You bought me tequila at The Rusty Ho.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  I pressed myself against him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You truly are a gentleman for worrying about buying me dinner, did you know that?”

  He grinned. “I’m glad you realize that.”

  “Of course banging me on a gurney in a funeral preparation room might knock your status down just a tad,” I teased.

  Catcher held up one of his hands. “Scout’s Honor that I will only bang you in the sanctity of a bedroom from now on out.”

  I laughed as I played with the hair at the base of his neck. “I’m not sure that’s an oath I want you to make.”

  His brows popped up. “Oh really?”

  “We might lose some of the fire if we took out the scenery spontaneity.”

  “Hmm, you might have a point there.” He dipped his head to kiss me. “I sure wouldn’t want us to lose any of the fire.”

  “Me either.”

  “Okay then. I think I see a way to make this up to you.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Come hell or high water, I’m taking you to dinner tomorrow night.”

  “Okay.”

  “Where’s the nicest place around here to eat?”

  My mind immediately thought of The Distillery, a steak and seafood place on Main Street. But close on the heels came another thought about how conspicuous it would be to eat there with Catcher. Since most of the town dined there at least once a week, they would be all about the fact I was there with a man. I could just feel the stares and hear the whispered conversations behind lobster tails, or one of the older men shouting over his prime rib, “Damn, Olivia, I thought we’d never see you with a man.”

  I shuddered at the thought. “Um…we really don’t have a lot to choose from here. Why don’t we go out of town?”

  “I’ve got an even better idea. I’ll cook you dinner.”

  I widened my eyes at him. “You cook?”

  “Yes ma’am, I do.”

  I grinned up at him. “You really are a man of many talents.”

  Catcher chuckled. “Damn right I am. But I do have an ulterior motive in cooking for you.”

  “And what’s that? You’re secretly cheap?”

  “No, Miss Sassy Pants that’s not it. I really want to show you my house.”

  “You do?” I asked breathlessly. My poor senses were on overload after he said he wanted to cook for me. Throw in the fact he wanted me to see his house, and I was close to throwing a hand against my forehead and swooning.

  “Yeah, since my brother and I built it, I’m kind of proud of it.”

  “So what time should I come to your house?”

  “Let’s really make this a date, and I’ll come pick you up.”

  “But don’t you live like forty-five minutes from here?”

  “I can make it in thirty-five,” he replied, with a teasing glint in his blue eyes.

  “Fine. You can pick me up.”

  After one final kiss, Catcher started for the door. “See you tomorrow at five.”

  “I’m looking forward to it.”

  Catcher threw a wink at me over his shoulder. “And I’m looking forward to having you for dessert!”

  The next day found me slammed with work at Sullivan’s. We were holding Mr. Peterson’s services in the chapel, which were to be followed by the procession to the National Cemetery in Canton where as a World War II veteran, he would be afforded military rights. Since it would be an hour back to get home, I was going to be pushing it to meet up with Catcher. It was one of those times that I really lamented the fact that I was the one in charge and couldn’t pawn this off on Allen or Todd.

  Since I was going to be cutting it short on time, I’d brought what I needed to the funeral home, and I would just get ready upstairs. Although I had picked out a sassy skirt and blouse combo, Jill had immediately vetoed it and promised to bring me back something else sexy. Considering I’d seen her closet before, I knew it runneth over with sexy attire.

  I was on the way to Mr. Peterson’s graveside service when I got a call from Todd. “Hey Liv, the crime lab just called for us to come pick up Randy.”

  “Oh shit. I’m too far away with Blackie and Old Blue is in the shop.”

  Yes, folks, we named our hearses. Blackie was an onyx colored Cadillac XTS Landau Coach I splurged on two years ago. While Old Blue was the navy Cadillac LTS hearse my father had purchased ten years ago.

  “Don’t worry about it. I can throw a stretcher in the back of the floral truck.”

  I groaned. “How classy.”

  Todd laughed. “Hey, it just says Sullivan’s on the side. They won’t know it’s the floral truck.”

  “Okay. That’s fine. If you make it back before me, just put him in the freezer. I’ll have to get confirmation from Freelings Crematory before we send him.” Since we were a relatively small-time operation, we didn’t have an onsite crematory. We had to send bodies an hour down the road.

 
“I will do that. Bye.”

  “Bye. Todd.”

  Thankfully, the graveside service went pretty quickly, and I arrived back at Sullivan’s with just under an hour before Catcher arrived. Coincidentally, Todd had also just arrived back with Randy and was wheeling him up the ramp.

  “Glad to see you made pretty good time.”

  “Yeah. I never thought I’d make it through Atlanta traffic that fast.”

  Todd’s phone started ringing. When he glanced down at it, he grimaced. “Shit.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s Mary. I was supposed to be at the ballpark for Justin’s game ten minutes ago.”

  “Answer it, and tell her you’re on the way.” I then shooed him away from the gurney. “Go. I can handle the rest.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I smiled at him. “Would you just get the hell out of here?”

  He grinned. “Thanks, Olivia.”

  “No problem.”

  As I wheeled Randy into the funeral prep room, Todd ran out the back door. After I got Randy into the freezer, a knock came at the door, which I assumed was Jill with my dress. When I threw open the door, I found Pease, Allen, and my mother instead. I glanced around the group. “Hey guys.”

  Without a hello, Pease said, “We’re here to see them.”

  “Them?”

  She rolled her eyes. “The dicks. We wanna see Randy’s two dicks.”

  I stared at her in disbelief. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “Hell no. Randy’s dicks are like the 8th Wonder of the World,” Pease argued.

  “Um, I’m not running a peep show here.”

  “Oh come on, Liv. It’s not like we’re asking you to degrade Randy by charging admission. And I’m thinking in his case it would be more of a freak show, than peep show,” Pease argued.

  I crossed my arms over my chest before staring pointedly at my mother. “I would expect this out of the two of them, but really Mama, you too?”

  She nervously fingered the pearls around her neck—the ones my father had given her for their thirtieth anniversary. “I just figured if they were going to take a peek, I might as well too.”

  Sweeping my hands to my face, I rubbed my eyes. “Unbelievable.”

  “What’s unbelievable?” Jill asked. She appeared behind the peepshow crew with a black dress thrown over her shoulder and a pair of black stilettos in one of her hands.

  “That my mother, brother, and grandmother want to stare at a dead guy’s two penises.”

  Jill’s green eyes widened. The next thing I knew, she threw the dress onto one of the high-back chairs before pushing past me into the funeral prep room. “I gotta see this.”

  I bit my lip to keep from coining the famous line from Julius Caesar, “E tu Brute?” I should have realized that this would have been something right up Jill’s alley.

  Realizing I was fighting a losing battle, I threw up my hands in defeat. “Fine, fine. If you guys don’t have the decency to respect the dead, then go for it.” I pointed a finger at Allen. “You can get Randy out of the freezer and put him back in. I will have no part in it. Besides, I have plans this evening, and I need to get ready.”

  Mama’s face lit up like a Christmas Tree. “Plans? Does that mean you have a date?”

  Before I could answer, Jill said, “You think she’s wearing one of my sexy dresses and come-fuck-me-heels to pick up a body?”

  In truly overdramatic fashion, Mama swept a hand over her chest as she gave me a toothy smile. “Oh honey, do you know how thrilled this makes me?”

  “Yes, Mama. I do.”

  Pease peered curiously at me. “And just who are you going out with?”

  “Catcher Mains.”

  Both Pease and Mama cried, “The one-night-stand guy?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes. That would be the one.”

  A pleased smile curved on Pease’s lips. “Well, well, Olivia, you must’ve made one hell of an impression on him if came back for more.” She nudged my arm with the top of her cane. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  Allen groaned. “Um, could you guys please not talk about my sister’s sex life in front of me?”

  “Are you kidding me? I’m so excited she even has a sex life again that I want to yell it from the roof tops,” Pease argued with a wicked grin.

  Sweeping a hand to my hip, I countered, “This conversation is wrong on so many levels that it’s not even funny.”

  Mama nodded. “Olivia is right. We shouldn’t be talking about her love life. Some things should remain private.”

  “Thank you.”

  She smiled as she added, “Even if we’re ridiculously happy that she’s seeing someone.”

  Her words caused tears to prick at the back of my eyelids. She jerked her chin at me. “Now you get on upstairs and get ready. You don’t want to keep Mr. Wonderful waiting.”

  I glanced at the clock on the wall. “Shit. He’ll be here in forty minutes.” I hurried past them out of the funeral prep room. After I grabbed the dress and shoes from the chair, I turned back to Allen. “Make sure you lock up after you’re done.”

  He saluted me with a smile. “Aye, aye, Captain.”

  “Smartass,” I mumbled as I started up the stairs.

  After I got out of the shower and glanced at the time on my phone, I proceeded to do my hair and makeup in almost record speed. Once again, Jill had come through for me with a form-fitting, black tunic dress that had beading around the bodice. It was just dressy enough for a date, but at the same time, it didn’t look like I was trying too hard. I slid on a pair of lacy thigh highs I knew Catcher would enjoy before putting on the stiletto heels.

  Since I figured Catcher would have the top down on his convertible, I grabbed a red sweater out of the closet. It was one I had several of in different colors. Not only was the Georgia weather unpredictable, but so was the temperature in the funeral home. You learned to dress in layers.

  I had just started down the stairs to wait on Catcher when Pease’s voice floated up to me. “My, my, Agent Mains, aren’t you one strong, strapping man?”

  Fuuuuuuuuuck! I almost tripped over my heels and face-planted on the landing. Oh no. Please no. For the love of God and everything holy, why was Pease still here? It wasn’t like we had any bodies for her to hold a PAM meeting. She should’ve got her peek at Randy’s King and Kong and headed out to the Moose Lodge to play Bingo with all her other old cronies while flirting with the old codgers.

  I hurried down the rest of the stairs as fast as I could. I whirled around the bannister to find Catcher sandwiched between my mother and Pease on the front room sofa. Both Mama and Pease were staring appreciatively at Catcher.

  At the sound of my heels on the hardwood floor, they all looked up. Surprisingly Catcher didn’t wear an expression of horror at being subjected to the two. Well, Mama was basically harmless unless she alluded to the fact she wanted Catcher and me married. Like yesterday. It was Pease who was the loaded gun. I cringed when I thought of what might’ve already come out of her mouth in my absence.

  Catcher stood up from the sofa and came over to kiss me. On the lips. With a little tongue. When he pulled away, he gave me a killer grin. “You look absolutely gorgeous.”

  My cheeks burned under his compliments. “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry I was a little early.”

  “No, no. It’s fine,” I lied.

  “I had planned to wait in the car until closer to five since I didn’t want anyone thinking I was a prospective client who needed to be shown caskets while hearing pricing plans. But then your grandmother knocked on my window and told me to get my handsome ass inside.” He glanced over his shoulder and grinned. “Those were your words, weren’t they, Mrs. Sullivan?”

  Pease chuckled. “Why yes. They were.”

  “I figured it would be rude not to comply with her wishes, and I certainly didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with your grandmother, and in turn, the rest of your fam
ily.”

  “How considerate of you,” I mused.

  Mama rose off the couch to join us. “You didn’t tell us how charming your friend is, Olivia,” she said with a coy grin. I stared aghast as she actually batted her eyes at Catcher.

  Pease harrumphed from her place on the couch. “Forget charming. You didn’t tell us how drop-dead sexy he was.”

  Catcher preened beside me under their compliments, causing me to roll my eyes. “It’s been so busy and so crazy around here that I haven’t had a chance to tell you much about him.”

  Mama fingered her pearls. “Yes, Holden has been telling us all about the developments in Randy’s murder.”

  Pease poked the back of Catcher’s thigh with her cane. “If you have to go back to the nudist colony, I want you to take me with you, Agent Mains. That’s something I’ve always wanted to try.”

  He laughed as he glanced at her over his shoulder. “I would be happy to take you anywhere you’d like to go, Mrs. Sullivan. Even to a nudist colony.”

  “Resort,” I corrected under my breath.

  “What was that, sweetie?” Mama asked.

  “Nothing. Catcher, I guess you and I should get on the road.”

  “Yes. We do have a drive ahead of us.”

  “You two headed to some fancy-schmancy place?” Pease questioned.

  “Actually, I’m taking Olivia to my house to cook for her,” Catcher replied.

  Pease’s eyes widened behind her glasses, and I feared she might swallow her snuff from the shock. “You cook?”

  “Sometimes. I’m still learning.”

  She shook her head before pointing her cane at me. “You might’ve gone through a hell of a long dry spell, but this one is sure worth the wait.”

  I rolled my eyes to the ceiling and silently questioned God what I had done to deserve this level of punishment. I guess I was really paying for hot storeroom sex and seeing a dick pic in a church sanctuary.

  Catcher took my hand in his. “I have to say that Olivia is worth the wait, too.”