Vanity's Pleasure

by Olivia Gaines

  Vanity said nothing as she stared into the small blue eyes that begged for acceptance as she asked, “I was hoping that maybe there is something I could help you with today. I’m good with chores. Me Mum ate most of the food. The mice got into the rest.”

  Slowly, Vanity rose to her feet and placed her hands on her hips. She gave Giles a look, then Babette, before letting her eyes go back to the child. “I am not sure Lisbane, I have an extremely busy day today.”

  “I am a good helper, M ‘Lady. I can sweep and dust,” the child said.

  Vanity eyed the dirty face and grimy hair, “Okay, but first, you have to get cleaned up.”

  “Like a bath?” Lisbane asked as she started walking towards the door she came in, trying to leave.

  She saw Giles turn his head to keep from laughing. “Yes, a bath. Your hair washed and trimmed, those teeth scrubbed, as well as the rest of you.”

  “Well, that’s not fair!” Lisbane said with a stomp of her little foot.

  Vanity turned and headed towards the stairs, “Giles, please see that Lisbane gets home safely.”

  Lisbane’s little eyes were wide, “Wait, M’Lady. Only one bath though!”

  Vanity came back and kneeled in front of the child, offering the little girl a handshake, “Deal!”

  However, before she asked Babette to give the child a thorough bath and homemade delousing, she inquired if the Duke had any spare fabric on hand that she could use. “Of course, M’Lady, follow me,” Giles told her as they headed towards Nigel’s home office.

  In a closet in the back of the room were bolts of unused fabrics. “Giles, do you think your Lordship would mind me taking a yard or two from these cotton bolts?”

  “These bolts were sent here as samples that I will either ship to a wholesaler or discounter in the East End,” Giles said, still curious as to how she was going to use the material, but his facial expression asked, ‘what are you thinking?’

  “Last thing, Giles, and I will leave you to your duties. I need an old cotton pillowcase,” she told him.

  Scissors, fabric, and pillowcase in hand, she went to her new home office that looked exactly like her office in New York, all the while asking Babette to bring the child. She measured twice, cut once, and from the pillowcase she made a pattern for a chemise for Lisbane. Vanity used the same pattern to cut a small under slip from the pink cotton fabric she found in Nigel’s office, fashioning a pair of matching pink bloomers. She used some light wool to fashion a jumper and a yard and a half of light blue cotton to make a light long sleeve slip on shirt. Biddie located a small roll of lace, and she watched in earnest as the Duke’s wife made a perfect outfit for the little girl, trimming both the dress and bloomers with lace.

  The entire staff was buzzing, and it only got louder when they heard a plane flying overhead and the doorbell chimed, heralding the arrival of Lady Jayne Strathmore. On top of everything else, she had to do today, along with the coming of Jessica, Clarke, and boxes of lingerie, Nigel’s mother had made an unannounced visit.

  I can handle this. Just a step at a time.

  {27] Time for tea...

  The small dress in hand, Vanity rounded the corner to greet her mother-in-law, who was smartly dressed in a two-piece skirt and jacket with a matching fall hat. It was then that Vanity realized her hair still had not been combed, and her black slacks had picked up lint from the pink cotton she was working with to make the undies for her special little guest. A guest that decided she didn’t want a bath after all. Vanity spotted a little pink naked bum poking out from under a table as Babette apologized profusely while trying to pull the child towards her.

  Vanity pretended she saw none of it, “Lady Jayne, what an unexpected surprise.”

  Jayne was trying to process a random naked child running around her son’s home, but was too taken aback when a tall Hispanic man wearing pink pearls and a fuchsia fascinator walked in the door. Well, walked wasn’t the word since Clarke considered himself to be a more of a glider than a stepper.

  He greeted Vanity with a European approach by kissing both of her cheeks before launching into a tirade. “I swear, Honey, between your cousin’s flying and your nephew’s driving, I nearly became straight before having a heart attack and going to meet my maker.” He clutched at the pearls and noticed Jayne standing in the foyer. “And who is this delightful doll of a duchy?”

  Vanity tried to reel him in, but it was too late. Clarke had been unleashed.

  “Clarke, Jessica, this is Nigel’s mother, the Duchess of Strathmore,” she said as she introduced both Jessica and Clarke. Jayne gasped as she watched the colorful man in the colorful clothing perform a perfect, colorful curtsey.

  Clarke walked up to her, “Please tell me I get to do a makeover on you, Girl, and update that do, and create an ever more glam you!”

  This time Jayne clutched her pearls. Jessica pinched Clarke and a naked Lisbane ran by giggling.

  “Who is that naked white child?” Clarke asked with his necked pulled back and face contorted like he smelled an anomalous fart.

  “That is Lisbane, and if you can catch her, I would like to put these clothes on her I just made,” Vanity said.

  With a shrug of his shoulders, Clarke sauntered after the child calling, “Here little naked white girl.” He called her as if he was calling the family dog from the back yard. “Here little white child, come here, Pumpkin.”

  By this point, Babette had stopped chasing Lisbane and was too preoccupied watching Clarke.

  Jessica, who was always all business, asked, “Where is the office?”

  Vanity pointed toward the kitchen and as her eyes looked up, she was shocked to see her brother David, followed by Chuck, Gianni, and a very furious Nigel, who seemed to be in a heated argument with Chuck.

  “I am not sure why in the bloody hell you thought it would be okay to land a plane in a farming community!”

  “I didn’t hit a sheep or anything, 006,” Chuck said as he spotted Babette.

  “Who gave you permission to land a plane here, anyway?” Nigel wanted to know.

  “Gianni gave me the coordinates and the clearance,” Chuck said as he walked over to Babette and kissed her hand, causing the woman to blush.

  “And why are you listening to him? Last I checked, the property belonged to me,” Nigel’s face had started to turn red. Gianni chose this time to throw in his two cents.

  “Your Grace, I found a barouche trail in the back fields that was still clear and in perfect working condition. It is long enough for Lady Wilhelmina’s plane to land. There is even enough room for an aided turn around for takeoff.” He said it so calmly that it actually calmed Nigel, but in the same sentence, Gianni turned to Biddie, “Ooh, is that pie?”

  As Biddie handed him a large slice, Gianni turned back to Nigel. “It is actually larger and longer than the landing strip at our house.”

  Nigel’s eyes were wide, “You have a landing strip for a plane at your house? Your Dad must sell a lot of books.”

  Gianni bobbed his head yes, adding, “And a helipad for Big Daddy’s helicopter. But my dad had White Bear build the landing strip for Willie. I mean Lady Wilhelmina’s plane.”

  It was all overwhelming Nigel, “Your grandfather has a helicopter? What is a White Bear?”

  Conall was amazed by everything he was hearing and asked, “Do you live in one of those fancy big American mansions?”

  Gianni shook his head no, “I live on a ranch and White Bear is an Indian. He kind of came with the ranch.”

  Nigel had never bothered to ask how the kid knew so much and understood now. “Wait, you live on a ranch? Your dad owns a ranch? Hold up, what kind of Indian?”

  Chuck didn’t want to be left out, “An American Indian and yes, that’s right, I land that plane on some smaller and tighter spaces than your little duchy here, 005!”

  In the middle of all the chaos, David was focused on his sister, “Hello, Vain one,” he embraced her fully with a big kiss on her cheek. She in
turn introduced him to Nigel’s mother, who fanned herself as David performed a regal bow over her hand, giving it a delicate kiss. “I am honored to make your acquaintance,” he said with a glimmer in his eye.

  Jayne clutched at her pearls again as a naked Lisbane ran by again giggling, this time with Clarke behind her yelling and gliding across the floor like an apparition, “Little naked white girl, I am tired of chasing you. Now get on over here!”

  Nigel was still fuming at Chuck, who had been decreasing the James Bond secret service clearance since his arrival from 007 down to 002, and the last insult, Nigel had reached his limit, especially when Chuck said, “Calm down Mr. Bean, it’s not like I ran over one of your sheep for your mutton stew or anything.”

  It was difficult to tell if Nigel was amused or fit to be tied. He removed his cap and threw it to the floor, “Mr. Bean? Mr. Bean? That’s it, Charles, I am going to kick your arse!”

  Chuck was tickled by the whole thing, “Oh, so we are formal now are we? It’s Charles now, eh, Mate?”

  Nigel took off running at Chuck, who took off out the back door. Lisbane made her last pass and David reached down and scooped her up. “It seems that my sister has made you a rather pretty frock, but you must get cleaned up to put it on.” David spotted Babette, who had stopped staring at Clarke and was now staring at David, who politely placed the child in her arms. He removed the little dress and cute underpants from his sister’s hand and also gave those to Babette. “Be quick little one, so we can have tea.”

  Clarke flopped down at the table. His fascinator had come detached from his head and hung in the middle of his forehead like a bright fuchsia pimple. “Dear Lord, fetch the smelling salts ‘cause a queen’s about to faint from heart palpitations!”

  Lisbane was ecstatic to have tea with so many people as she and Babette made their way up the stairs, her little white bum peeking out from between Babette’s arms. Nigel came in the back door covered in dirt and Chuck’s bottom lip was poked out. Vanity looked closely at his face and appeared as if her cousin had been socked in the eye.

  “Willie, Nigel hit me,” Chuck confessed. He plopped down at the table in a sulking fit as Biddie ran to fetch ice for the swelling eye.

  Nigel was quick to point out, “Well, he hit me first. What do you have to say now Charles? That you got your arse kicked by Mr. Bean?”

  Suddenly, with his mouth pursed to say the next words, Nigel stopped as if he had just stumbled into a den of hungry lions. Slowly he turned his upper body to locate his wife in the room, locating her person and locking his eyes with hers. He blinked several times as if he were adjusting the blue eyes.

  He asked, in an accusatory tone, “Wait... did I see a naked child running through here earlier?”

  Everyone in the room turned to look at Vanity, who gave her husband a radiant smile.

  It didn’t work.

  Nigel raised his voice to her, “Wilhelmina! Did you steal that child?”

  Vanity’s mouth popped open as if she were waiting to catch popcorn treats being thrown across the room. Her voice, full of indignation and her hands propped on her hips, “Nigel, how could you think I would do such a thing?”

  Chuck lowered the ice pack from his eye, “Did she tell you about the time she stole the duck from the petting zoo?”

  David, not to be left out added, “Or the time she stole the monkey from the actual zoo?”

  Jessica had made it back into the area where everyone was, “well, she stole me from Diddy, in the middle of Fashion Week; during the fashion show, I might add.”

  Vanity’s mouth was still opened wide in disbelief. All eyes turned to Clarke, who was brutally honest as always and contributed, “Oh she didn’t steal me, Honeys. She walked by the salon where I was working on the Upper East Side and I packed up my grip and followed her home! I was like a little lost puppy boy.”

  Vanity was outdone. She looked at Giles, who was standing there doing his best to contain his laughter. “Giles, would you be so kind and tell my husband that I have not left this house!”

  Giles, back straight and looking at his boss, “It is true Your Grace. She has not left the estate. The child showed up this morning asking to break her fast with the Lady.”

  Vanity raised both her hands, “See!”

  Nigel was so frustrated he couldn’t see straight, “And where did you get the clothes for the child that were in your hand a minute ago?

  “I just made those, Husband.”

  “Out of what?”

  “Giles gave me some fabric from your office.”

  Giles mouth popped open in shock that she was so willing to throw him under the bumpy barouche that was whizzing past. “M’ Lady!”

  Vanity poked her tongue out at him and Giles almost recoiled at the unladylike action and her words to him, “I’m not going down alone, Buddy!” Giles tried to say something, but instead the only sounds that came from his mouth sounded like a little Pomeranian trying to jump up on a couch.

  It was in the midst of all the chaos that a beautiful sound was heard that caused everyone in the room to stop. At first it sounded like a snort. Then a chortle followed by a rousing, belly gut laugh. Jayne had taken a seat at the table to take everything in and found the whole scenario to be totally amusing. This is also when Nigel realized his mother was in the room, “Oh my, Mum, I didn’t know you were here.”

  “It is fine, son. It has been a long time since this house was filled with so much warmth and laughter,” she dabbed at the corner of her eyes with a handkerchief. Vanity’s watch chimed and right on cue, Biddie entered with a tray of tea, scones, and Vanity’s food.

  As if she was saved by the bell, Vanity said “I guess that settles it then;everyone wash up. The tea is ready.”

  {28] Making preparations...

  It was amazing that after all the rigmarole, the rest of the day settled in nicely. There was the minimal swelling to Chuck’s eye and Biddie cooked up an amazing full breakfast for everyone to enjoy. It seemed that Lisbane was enjoying herself more than anyone, relishing in the attention being paid to her in the new warm frock with matching bloomers. The lace made her feel pretty and made the little girl inclined to pull up the back of her dress to show everyone her new pink pretties.

  Nigel, freshly showered and hair still damp, returned to the table. First, he gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. Next, a warm kiss to his wife, and Lisbane stood on the chair waiting for hers as well. Nigel bent down and gave the little girl a raspberry on her forehead, which sent her into a fit of giggles. Finally, it was Chuck who asked many wanted to know.

  “So, Lady Wilhelmina,” He paused, making a point of getting her title correct while giving Nigel the evil eye. “What’s up with the kid?”

  This topic caught the attention of Lady Jayne, who looked at Wilhelmina, “I didn’t want to prod my Dear, but I too am curious about the child.”

  Vanity shrugged her shoulders, “I nearly killed her yesterday with the horse I was riding. She came out of nowhere. We took her home last night, but she came back this morning.”

  Seeing the questions in Lady Jayne’s face prompted Vanity to continue speaking, “I can imagine it is tough to be a parent, especially with a willful child, but every kid deserves to live in a safe environment and have their parent’s as protectors.”

  “Did you find her parents unbecoming, Lady Wilhelmina?” Jayne asked.

  It was not an easy answer to give, but Vanity tried her best to explain her thoughts, “I have yet to be a mother and I know my trials and tribulations are ahead of me, so I find myself to be in no position to judge.”

  Lady Jayne held onto her tea cup, watching the interaction between her daughter-in-law and the child as she demonstrated the proper way to apply cream to her scone, but not partaking of one herself. “Based on what I have heard this morning Lady Wilhelmina, you seem to be an advocate of rescuing what is in harm’s way. Will that be your platform; child advocacy and animal rights?”

  “At this stage La
dy Jayne, I can only advocate what is pressing for me and to me. And that is my marriage and starting a family.”

  With the words spoken aloud, every head at the table turned to her. She even realized that a few ears were probably listening in the kitchen.

  Jayne pressed her hands to her bosom, “Oh my, that is exciting news!”

  Vanity reached across the table and touched her hand, “Not quite yet, Lady Jayne,” she said as she gave Nigel a very provocative look that caused him to stop chewing. “But soon, hopefully very soon.”

  Nigel began choking as David jumped up to pat him in the back. Vanity acted as if she had said nothing untoward and spoke to Jayne, “So, what is the nature of your visit today?”

  “Oh Dear! I got so caught up in the excitement. I came to speak with you about the wedding and coronation.”

  Nigel jumped up from the table, “David, Chuck, and Gianni, that is our cue.”

  He kissed his mother and his wife, and smooched at little Lisbane’s cheek, and the men set out the back door. David was the first to mention it, “So Gianni tells me you have Arabians...”

  LADY JAYNE WENT THROUGH the entire 20 minutes of wedding planning with her jaw flapping about the services that would revolve around their wedding. All the pomp. All the circumstance. All the glitz, glamor, and puffery that came with marrying nobility, Vanity Devons threw out the window.

  “That is not who we are,” she said to her mother-in-law. “I live a very simple, uncomplicated, unglamorous life. Your plans would make me pull out my hair.”

  The stuttering started and each time Jayne tried to speak, she only stuttered more. “Allow me to explain, Lady Jayne. Those Hollywood movies aren’t real, neither is that life.”

  “But you and Nigel were all over the news! You make the front page of almost every paper! He was even on the cover of several London gentlemen’s periodicals. Social columns, world news! How could you not want to invite the world to such a spectacular, grand event?”