Super Sales on Super Heroes

by William D. Arand

  “I can handle being neutral, I guess, but I don’t… I feel dirty. Ruined.”

  “Why? Turn the situation sideways. We have something like half a thousand people in our employ. They would have all been bound for more than likely worse conditions.”

  “Except for the ones you’re going to send to the sausage machine,” grumped Kit.

  “Fine, no sausage machine. But you really need to figure out what to do with those who simply can’t work with the team. Does that appease your sense of guilt?”

  “A little. Can we use the medical facilities as part of a health plan to get everyone to perfect health?”

  “So long as I don’t have to arrange it, sure. Get the medical team on board and start conducting routine examinations on a semi-annual basis.

  “You tell me what works. You’re HR, after all, and benefits fall squarely in your purview.”

  Felix didn’t think that was a problem, and if anything, it’d help. People loved benefits.

  “Really?” Kit asked suspiciously. “Not just saying that to placate me?”

  “Really. Not saying it to placate you. Put together a benefits package for me and we’ll go over it later.

  “And back to the villain/hero thing. Does it matter? The Guild of Heroes was more of a faction than anything. The city is well patrolled and has a fairly strict sense of justice right now.

  “Last I saw, crime was on the decline.”

  “It is, it is, I just… I don’t know. I was always a hero. Even when I was dangerous to teammates, I was a hero. And now I’m… now I’m the single strongest telepath in the world with probably the greatest sense of control.

  “And, oh yeah, I’m suddenly telekinetic as well.”

  The pen in front of her lifted up off the table and spun wildly through the room. Dancing, twirling, the pen defied gravity as it flew.

  Only for Miu to snatch it out of the air, click the pen top to withdraw the tip, and set it down in front of Felix.

  “I could do so much. I could help—”

  “Nope. Sorry. Not a hero anymore. If you really want to help, get to HR and put that benefits package together.

  “Then link up with our marketing group, finance group, and see what we can do on a charitable level. Donations go a long way to help build a company’s face value and lower taxes.

  “We deal in antiques and equipment. Schools and museums seem like the obvious place to start to me.” Felix never did like dealing with the passionate ones.

  The ones who had to feel like they were making a difference.

  It’s a job. Work the job, do what you want in your personal time.

  Or nothing.

  “Ah! Really? I can do that?” Kit asked eagerly.

  “Sure. Put it all together and get back to me. Was that it?”

  “Yes, thank you. Yes. Thank you,” Kit said, standing up.

  Just then, her phone went off.

  Turning her wrist over, she looked at the display on her wrist.

  “Huh. It’s Eva.” Kit tapped the display. “Eva? What’s wrong?”

  “Kit! I’m at school and I need you to come get me,” said his ward into her phone.

  Then the line went dead.

  “Huh?” Felix looked to Kit, waiting for an explanation.

  Kit blinked and then tapped her wrist display again. “Ah, well. Eva is having troubles adjusting to her new school.”

  “I see. Go pick her up, then, I’ll just—”

  Kit’s wrist display lit up again as another call came through. The telepath couldn’t hide her unease as she viewed the caller window.

  Felix gave her a grim smile and waited.

  Kit sighed and tapped the display. “Good afternoon, Principal.”

  “Good afternoon, Miss Carrington. Is Eva’s guardian recovered enough to come deal with his hooligan of a ward?” came back the starched tones of what sounded like an elderly gentleman.

  Hooligan?

  “He has indeed. He’ll be—”

  “Good, he can come pick up his ward and a piece of my mind.”

  The line went dead once again.

  Felix let out a slow breath and closed his eyes.

  “That sounds like a lot more than adjusting.”

  “Yes… well. Yes,” Kit said lamely.

  Several Andreas came marching in before Felix could ask anything further.

  They moved in a small group, armed with SMGs yet no body armor or gear to speak of.

  When your life is expendable to the point that gear costs more, I guess I can understand.

  The one in front took a spot directly to his side and then drew to attention.

  “Reporting in, as per procedure. We’ve successfully repelled a group of supers who were attempting to gain entry. We killed one, wounded two, and only lost fifteen of my Others. All reabsorbed without incident,” Andrea said, looking at the space above his head.

  “What…? We’re under attack?” Felix tried to confirm.

  “Were under attack. We’ve repelled them. The body has been sent to the sausage machine after having Lily check for a soul.

  “Request permission to return to post and split the Others back off.”

  “Yeah. Do that, Andrea. And could you send Andrea Prime over to see me later? Sounds like I need a few more Others,” Felix said, pausing to look at Kit. “That and more information about the situation at hand. What say you take a seat, Miss Carrington? I think we have more to talk about.”

  The three-car-long dark sedan convoy moved sedately through traffic. Andrea wasn’t taking anything for granted.

  She drove each vehicle, as she could coordinate with herself without speaking, since it was herself. They’d think the same thing and come up with the same answers.

  She also refused to run yellows or reds, and would simply stop early.

  Kit and Miu were with him, along with two Andreas. Riding in the other vehicles were all Andreas. Every one of them dressed in a black pantsuit and armed.

  Even Kit and Miu were dressed in a similar fashion. Not identical, but similar.

  Miu wore something a bit more sporty that she could probably move better in.

  Kit, on the other hand, had clearly picked her outfit from a fashion standpoint. She certainly caught the eye with it.

  Felix didn’t get what they were aiming for, and honestly, he didn’t want to. He was sure it was some odd type of intimidation that Ioana, Miu, or Lily had cooked up.

  Probably will work, too.

  Didn’t hurt that they’d stuffed him into one of the nicest suits he’d ever had the pleasure of owning.

  The suit had been a custom job. Felicia had tailored and made it for him specifically from her R&D department.

  Turning his wrist over, he checked the time.

  “We’ll be there in three minutes, dear,” Andrea Prime said from beside him. She was the only one of the Andreas dressed differently. Where the others wore pantsuits, she wore a gray pencil skirt and dark jacket.

  “Ah. Thanks. You look good in that, by the way,” Felix said, pointing a finger at her.

  “Thanks, babe! I knew you’d like it. I wasn’t sure if it went with my tail. Does it? Look, look,” Andrea said, turning to her side and shoving her bottom at him.

  Her fluffy tail wagged a fraction, her bottom moving with it.

  Quickly pulling his eyes up with a strained smile, he met Kit’s eyes. “Yep, looks fine.”

  Kit gave him a smirk and pressed a finger to her lips, motioning him to remain silent about the humor of the situation.

  “You’re such a nice person. Thanks, dear. Wait till I show you my underwear. It really suits my skin. Here, take a—” Andrea said, shifting around to face him again.

  “Ah, Andie?” Kit asked, looking to the Beastkin.

  “Aww, fine. I’ll show him tonight. Do you think he likes black and red?”

  “I’m still here. It’s not like I went somewhere,” Felix said.

  “Good point. Do you like black and red?”
Andrea said, turning to him with a bright smile.

  “We’re here,” Chauffeur Andrea said.

  “Thank the saints,” Miu murmured and opened her door, getting out immediately.

  Felix moved to get out and had Andrea wrap a hand around his wrist. “Wait.”

  Looking back to her, he sighed and then nodded his head. The assassination attempt on his life had changed how he would be able to interact with the world at large.

  The door had been closed, and now two rear ends in pantsuits were directly outside his window. He knew they had SMGs in holsters under those buttoned, fashionable jackets.

  He also knew that Andrea was an incredibly fast draw.

  Finally, one of them popped open the door and Felix was allowed to step out.

  Taking in a breath, he stood up and surveyed the area quickly.

  It looked like the definition of a private school.

  Good-looking front entrance, decorated smartly yet tastefully; pathways leading up to the front gate; manicured lawns and trees providing a natural look; expensive-looking housing across the street; a decent-sized redbrick wall that circled the campus.

  “I think I’d have been kicked out if I had gone here as a kid,” Felix muttered.

  “Me too,” Miu said, standing on his right. “Then again, my schooling was very different. Fewer books, more swords.”

  “One of these days, I’m going to order you to tell me all about yourself, Miu.”

  “That’ll be the day you learn secrets you wish you hadn’t,” said the severe woman. Then, surprisingly, she gave him an earnest smile. “But I appreciate the sentiment. Another time.”

  On his left, Kit flipped open her messenger bag and pulled out a manila folder. Taking a quick peek inside, she checked its contents and then held it out to Felix.

  “This is probably everything you’ll need. I put everything in there relevant to Eva. Just in case. Lily said she’ll be available by phone if you need her.”

  Felix took the folder and started walking to the front door. Looking into the folder, he gave it a onceover, realized it wouldn’t do him much good for the situation at hand, and closed it again.

  Not her fault. Her school experiences were probably very clinical.

  The Others fanned out in front of him, taking positions along the walkway and eyeing everyone nearby.

  Students watched, enthralled with what was happening.

  Felix shoved those concerns off to the side. It didn’t matter to him because, realistically, the protection Andrea was providing for him was beyond what anyone could reasonably ask for.

  His complaints about the situation would never cross his lips.

  An Andrea held open the door for him inside. Several Andreas escorted him in, while a handful that had remained near the car moved up to take the ground between the cars and the door.

  Entering the front office, he needed only to follow the Others. They had gone over the floorplan meticulously and would be herding him straight to the principal’s office.

  A receptionist started to stand up, before an Other shoved her back down into her chair. “Sit.”

  Shaking his head, Felix turned down the hallway, following the Others.

  “It’s necessary for your safety. We won’t come that close again,” Miu said.

  “Never,” Andrea agreed.

  “This is the safest option for you, and for them,” Kit concurred.

  Felix didn’t argue.

  Ahead of him, an Other opened a door for him, and Felix walked right into the principal’s office.

  Trailing him was Miu, Andrea Prime, and Kit.

  Inside of the office was a stodgy-looking man in his fifties, and Eva.

  “Felix? Felix!” Eva squealed, jumping up. She wrapped him up in a tight hug.

  “Hey there, yes, yes. Hug, hug. All good now? Maybe let go?” Felix said with a pained smile at her.

  She only hugged him tighter. With a small smile curling his lips, Felix gave her a genuine hug.

  “If you’re done, we can begin talking about your hooligan’s beh-”

  “You can stop right there,” Felix said, glaring over the top of Eva’s head. “And if you don’t stop, I’ll have Miu here help you.”

  “I… You have no right to talk to me like that.”

  “You call her anything other than Eva, student, or ward, and this’ll be the fastest meeting you’ve ever had.”

  Felix gently peeled Eva off of him and literally handed her over to Andrea, who happily hugged the girl and lifted her off her feet.

  “Now, what’s the problem?” Felix asked.

  “She won’t listen to her teachers. She makes no attempt to treat them with the respect they deserve. She hasn’t done a single iota of homework. She’s, quite frankly, one of the dumbest students we’ve had,” grumped the principal, crossing his arms across his chest.

  “Uh-huh. Eva?” Felix asked, turning his head to Eva. “What’s the problem? No teenage drama. No bullshitting—”

  “Language!” shouted the principal.

  “And tell me. Don’t even think of saying, ‘you’d never understand,’ because I guarantee I will.”

  Eva lifted her head up from Andrea’s embrace and truly looked at him.

  “The teachers single me out because I don’t know the answers,” she said finally.

  Ah. I see. And from that starting point, I imagine everything else went to shit.

  “How far behind are you? Guess if you don’t know.”

  “I dunno… a year, maybe. Two… I’m sorry, I know I’m stupid, I just—”

  “No, stop right there. You’re not stupid. This is actually easy to solve,” Felix said, smiling at her. Turning his head to the principal, he continued, “If people pulled their heads out of their ass long enough to take a breath.

  “Did your teachers even attempt to redress this issue? To ask her where she was in her studies? There was no placement of any sort to determine what would be best for her? If she needed tutoring?”

  “Well, I, that’s not what we do here. We shape minds—”

  “So, no. You didn’t, and no, they didn’t.” Felix let out a short breath and then pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  Kit frowned, looking annoyed and out of her depth.

  She couldn’t find it with mind reading.

  Felix held up the phone to his ear as it rang.

  Not everything can be solved by picking through thoughts, my lovely superheroine.

  “Felix? Miss me already?” Lily purred into the phone.

  “I did. I missed that mind of yours. So, Eva is behind in her studies. We’ll need a tutor to get her up to speed of the school.”

  “Now look, this won’t solve what she’s done. I’m already in the process of having her expelled,” said the principal loudly.

  “Oh? Alright. Sorry, I should have thought of that myself. She did say she and her brother had been out of school for a while,” Lily said. In the background, he could her rapidly typing at a keyboard. “Don’t worry about the principal, by the way.”

  “Why’s that, exactly? You do something crafty with that big brain of yours?” Felix asked, smirking.

  “I did indeed. We needed something to sink money in that we could turn back around to our employees. The school has a bit of an ugly secret that it’s trying to hide.”

  “Do tell. I await your honeyed words with bated breath,” Felix teased. For whatever reason, Lily could draw him into banter.

  “Honeyed? With what I’ve been doing for you, it damn well better smell like ambrosia.

  “Suffice it to say, the school was a bastion for kids of superheroes. Those kids, who paid a whole hell of a lot in fees to be anonymous while going to school, are gone.

  “The school overspent its budget by a drastic amount. Everything went on credit.

  “They were so far in the red the school was going to be shut down. I bought up all that debt on the cheap; I only had to flash a smile a few times, and posted the loss against o
ur taxes.

  “I made sure the schoolboard knew we’d bought it all up, that we were willing to negotiate. I have a bi-weekly meeting with their board.

  “Then I set the whole thing up so all future children of parents from Legion, or become part of Legion, get sent there for their K-through-H education. Put that one in as a massive tax write-off.

  “Probably won’t be completely approved by the government, but it’ll do more than enough to get our taxes down.”

  “Huh, that’s pretty crafty. I love it. It sounds like it’d break the bank, though.”

  “Might have. Our accountant is a wonderful lady, though. All the losses are going to be posted late in the year as it winds its way through every process from here to New Year’s.

  “In the end, we’ll definitely get our money back, but it’ll take time. Unless a cranky CEO decides to call in the debts a certain school owes. Then it’d be shut down that day.”

  “Lily?” Felix asked after digesting that.

  “Mmm?” came back a smiling voice.

  “You’re fantastic. I owe you something nice.”

  “Spoil me. Corporate life is great. I get to be as evil as I can, you reward me for it, and I don’t even have to get my hands dirty.”

  “I’ll do that indeed. See ya later.”

  “Ta-ta.”

  Felix thumbed the display and pocketed his phone.

  Turning to the principal, he smiled slowly.

  “You know, this is certainly my year. I find myself in unbelievable positions of power.

  “Anyways. Principal… whatever the fuck your name is. Let me spin you a tale. A tale of a school with no money. A school that had a white knight come riding in and buy up all their debt, and then tell them not to worry about it. That they’d negotiate and work something out.”

  Felix grinned and leaned over the chair, the wooden back creaking ominously under his weight.

  “I’m not feeling particularly charitable right now. You called her a hooligan.”

  “Twice!” Andrea said happily.

  “Twice…” Felix agreed.

  “And he called her the dumbest they’ve ever had,” Andrea amended.

  Chapter 19 - Sentiment -

  Felix looked to Lily at his side.