I didn't have time to think about why I said no so quickly right after it happened, but I thought about it until I fell asleep and as soon as I woke up because, I don't know, I overanalyze things too much. Plus I knew I should let go of Sawyer, but I couldn't. Then I'd remind myself that for so long I wanted this. I wanted to be in films and grow as an actress. I wanted to work alongside the greats and perhaps one day actually be worthy of it. Did I long for fame, admiration, and money? Not at all. Especially the kind of attention I ended up getting, but I did long to live my dreams and although it wasn't all of my dreams, acting was a part of them and I felt like he should understand that ... if he really loved me. That's another thing. He said he loved me and the look in his eyes when he said it, when he watched me tie my scarf around his neck, it was a look I’d never seen before and I’d never forget. It was difficult to walk away from him, standing there probably waiting for me to run back into his arms like the time before. Only I didn't. I kept walking. I didn't turn around and I was starting to regret it.
I was starting to regret it because my heart wasn't catching up with my mind and I wondered if it ever would. I believed in one person for me. The right person. And I also believed in the right time. So I settled my heart by telling myself that I'd be with him again if he was the right one. When the timing was right, we'd find each other.
After getting my hair and makeup done in my trailer I walked over to Dan's and accepted his request. He smiled, I smiled, and I kept wondering if I was acting, but I shoved that thought away and told him I'd see him on set.
Kat, film director extraordinaire, called me over to her. I walked over wires and tape and stood beside her. She held my shoulder and pointed to the set with the pencil in her other hand. "Yesterday what you did was great, but I want to see less emotion on this”—she twirled the pencil in a circle in front of my face—“and more in this." The pencil motioned to everything below my face.
"So less crying with my face and more sadness with my body?"
"Exactly. Cry through your body first and if it reaches your face don't prevent that."
"Still cry into his arms or no?"
"Use him for comfort, not a crutch, see?"
I nodded and watched Dan walk into the room. We pretended not to notice each other, and I'm glad, because suddenly I wanted to melt like the Wicked Witch.
I walked onto the set as the cameras positioned themselves around us. Kat directed Dan and I into position on the edge of the pretend building ledge as I said goodbye to Nora and allowed my character, Charleigh, to take over.
"I want to get this shot first, okay?" Kat said. "Basically just stare up at him and when I tell you to look down I want you to look below you at what will be the city, then swing your feet and let that nervous energy take over. I'll cut it then and we’ll move into the scene where you two are standing there and Charleigh finally lets it all out." I nodded, Dan nodded, and within a few minutes Kat said, "Action," propelling us into the scene.
I stared up at Dan, who was now Ryan. He put his arm around me and pulled my chin to his shoulder. "Look down," Kat said. I stared at the floor, imaging a city, imagining Sawyer's arm around me instead of Ryan's or Dan's, and I swung my feet as I was told. "And cut," Kat said. "Great. Perfect, Nora. You looked contemplative and sad. Exactly how I envisioned it."
I nodded. Dan helped me stand and Kat repositioned us. "Okay." She put his arms around me and stepped back. "Camera is gonna swoop in and then you can start your lines while you're holding each other like that."
I listened to Dan's heartbeat until Kat said, "Action," again and the camera swooped in front of us.
I stepped back and looked up at Ryan, closed my eyes, took a breath, and started my lines. "It's not you," I said, lip quivering. "It's me, Ryan. There's something I haven't told you."
He looked confused.
"I have a daughter." Swallowing my pride, I refused to look at him.
He stepped toward me. "What's her name?" His hand warmed my cheek.
"Emily," I choked up, reminding myself to use my body and not my tears. Not sure if it worked because I kind I lost myself in Charleigh's overwhelming feeling of finally being accepted after a lifetime of disapproval and failure. And I lost myself in Ryan's arms. His comfort. His love for Charleigh even when she came with baggage he didn't necessarily want. He loved her more than that. More than his own desires.
"Cut." Kat walked up to me and smiled. "Amazing, just amazing. Every bit of that felt so real and raw. I could feel your pain mixed with joy. Ryan, your confusion and tenderness was perfect. Great job, guys. Next set everyone. Where's Jessica?"
I stood there with my hands at my sides as everyone shuffled around me.
"You okay?" Dan said with just as much tenderness as Ryan.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay."
Have you ever endured a break up, then felt like you were cheating when you started dating someone else? I tried to focus only on the gorgeous man across from me, sipping his red wine over a delicious Italian meal, but it didn't seem fair to Sawyer. We barely dated, I argued with myself as Dan ordered a refill of his water. It was short-lived and mostly over the phone, that's definitely true, but as Dan and I talked I found myself staring at other couples and wondering if anyone could talk for hours about anything like Sawyer and me.
"We don't have to do this," Dan said. "I know about Spencer and all that."
I laughed. "Who doesn't?"
He shrugged. "I don't want to force this. We can stay friends. Consider this a little outing with a friend instead."
"I'm sorry," I said, picking up my fork. "It's not Spencer. I don't know. I don't know what it is." I paused. "I think too much."
He tried to laugh. "Well, I don't want you to think I'm just another guy trying to win a date with Nora Maddison. I admire you as an actress and you're beautiful of course, but I wanted to know you better. It seems like you have a lot of depth hiding under there."
"No." I smiled, feeling slightly more relaxed. "I'm just a normal girl. Confused, I guess." I paused again, eavesdropped on the couple beside us, then looked back to Dan. "Do you believe that every decision we make in life matters?"
"Absolutely," he said.
"Like every single decision I make will eventually lead me where I'm supposed to be? Being here, right now with you ... is there some deeper purpose in it we can't see?"
"Now you're talking about fate. All choices ultimately leading to the same destiny."
"Yeah." I thought for a second. "Do you believe in fate?"
"No." His eyes brightened as mine probably dimmed. "There's no beauty in that." He smiled at my confusion. "What I mean is that I believe we can make the wrong choices and miss the right things, but the right choices lead us to the right things."
I nodded. "I like that."
"I don't know, but if everything good were handed to us on silver platters I just think they'd lose their value. I don't want that."
"I don't want that either, but it also freaks me out a little."
"That you might miss the right things?"
"Exactly."
"Maybe, but sometimes the wrong things help us find our way back to the right ones."
I smiled and sipped my wine, looking at his face through the liquid. If only he knew what he just said, but he was right. And I wanted nothing more than to call Sawyer as soon as possible, because if there was one thing I knew it was that being with him felt right and being without him felt wrong.
Sawyer didn't pick up when I called at midnight, so I looked up his latest games with the Bruins. All wins except one. People were saying he'd win some kind of cup if he continued playing so well. I smiled for him, knowing from our late night talks that he loved hockey and didn't care about awards or giant cups. I wondered if he'd play again after this or if he really meant what he said, if he really could walk away from something he was so passionate about.
A half hour passed and he didn't call back, so I ordered myself a #23 Reed jersey o
nline and looked up pictures of him. Didn't take long to come across a few of us together, standing on our bridge in the snow. So beautiful and romantic. Of course there were tons of pictures of our kiss. I could almost taste him if I closed my eyes and imagined his lips on mine.
I set my laptop down and pulled his scarf out of my purse. After smelling it, I smiled and wrapped it around my body like a shawl and fell asleep alone, longing for him even in my dreams, until I woke up to rays of sun on my face and a tap on my trailer door. "Ready for makeup, Nora?"
CH. 15 - Sawyer
We were on a huge winning streak. Maybe that's why it bummed me out so much when we lost to my hometown's team. Chris took me out to dinner with some of his friends and his new girlfriend to try to get me out of my funk, but I think really he was trying to set me up with his girl's best friend, Melody. He pulled one of those typical awkward introductions where he told me everyone's name, then dwelled a little too long on, "And this ... is Melody." Only thing he was missing was an exaggerated wink. Melody was gorgeous, but nothing like Nora. She had bright green eyes. Nora's were amber, like the sun right before it sets. Her hair was light brown, almost blonde, and Nora's was this deep rich chocolate heaven. I let my mind go back to the last kiss we had when her hair was all over my arms, then I sat down next to Melody—how coincidental that it was the only available seat—and made small talk.
After dinner we decided to go bowling. The girls drove separately and Chris and I drove his car together.
"So, what do you think?" he said. "Pretty hot, right?"
"I was waiting for it." I shook my head. "I told you I don't want a woman right now. Is your brain a sieve?"
He laughed as he shifted into another gear. "Come on. Just for fun. Why does everything have to be so serious with you?"
"You know me, man. I don't like to date around."
"A little fun can't hurt anyone." He looked at me, then back to the road. "Is this about Nora?"
"No," I said quickly. "It's about me."
"Well you need to get over yourself."
"Let it go, Chris. You have no idea."
"I have no idea?" He parked in a spot behind the bowling alley. "You've had paparazzi on your ass for years now because of that stupid shit with your brother and—”
"Alright. Chill, Chris."
"No. This isn't right. I've watched my best friend live in a dumpy state of mind for almost a decade and he refuses to pick himself up and flip the bird to the world and just live his life. Dude, you've been hiding for too long and you're gonna have one hell of a time finding a woman to love your sorry ass self if you keep this up."
"Who said I need a woman?"
"You. What guy sits in his house alone listening to love songs while drinking wine with his dinky little dog?"
"Let's go in." I got out of the car and closed the door maybe a little to hard.
"Who needs to chill now?" He met me in front of the car. "I'm just being honest, man.”
I walked toward the building.
"Admit I'm right," he said.
"Shut up already."
"Admit it."
"Let it go."
He opened the door for me. "Ladies first."
I shook my head and walked inside. The girls weren't there yet, so we booked two lanes and bought their tickets. He sat down next to me and untied his shoes as I laced my bowling shoes up.
"You know I'm just looking out for you, right?" he said.
"I know, but sometimes the best way to help your friends is to just be there for them. Preaching doesn't help. I'm gonna make mistakes regardless of your wondrous wisdom."
"Yeah, yeah." He looked up. "There they are. What do you think of Leslie?"
"She seems perfect for you." I looked up as she smiled at him and thought to myself, knowing Chris, they'd be married within a year.
He pulled her into him and kissed the top of her head. Why did everything remind me of Nora?
She tried calling last night, but I was at a late night dinner with the team and couldn't pick up. The more I thought of it though, the more I didn't know if I should pick up as much as I wanted to. I worried I'd fall too fast again and regret it. The media was already going nuts over our kiss on the bridge.
Melody came over to me and I realized the rest of the group wasn't coming. How clever and annoying of my best friend. She sat down a few feet from me on the bench and laced her shoes
"So," she said. "Are you good at bowling?"
I shook my head. "Hockey is my thing."
She smiled nervously. "Oh, that's right. Of course."
"Are you any good?"
She laughed. "Not at all."
"We'll make a good team then."
She blushed and I wondered if I should've said that. Was I flirting without realizing it? Chris said I had a bad habit of that, but I was always just trying to be nice.
Chris and Leslie walked over, joined at the hip.
"Ready to get creamed?" Chris said.
"Sure." I stood. "Then after this you can meet me on the ice."
"Ooh, the tension," Leslie said, sitting down to change her shoes.
I checked my phone. 10:59p.m. I really wanted to be home by midnight to answer the phone if it rang.
"How about we make a bet?" Chris whispered in my ear as the girls talked. "Leslie and I win and you take Melody out again this weekend."
"No way," I said quietly. "You're going to win and I can't do that anyway. You're trying to force something that just ain't happening."
"Is it Nora?"
"Stop saying that."
"It is. I can tell. Why not just call her then?"
"Maybe."
"Man, you're a freaking enigma.”
"And you sure know how to get on my nerves tonight."
He laughed. "Okay, you ladies ready?"
I walked through my door at 12:34a.m. The phone hadn't made a sound yet. Gretzky ran up to me like he hadn't seen me in ages. I gave him a good pat on the head and looked around at my place. Same as I had left it, only the fire needed to be lit and the heat cranked up a little. Already November and freezing. Soon the pond would be ready for skating, but I probably wouldn't get a chance to scratch it up this year.
I threw a few logs in the fireplace and did my thing. Within minutes the living room was glowing the color of Nora's eyes.
I stared at the flames for a few minutes, wondering what she was doing and what she called about, then finally walked back to the kitchen to go through my enormous stack of mail. I asked Chris to toss the junk mail, but apparently he forgot. I sifted through the letters of bills and trash, then moved on to the packages. A few packages from Amazon, gifts, and random fan mail sat unopened, but the big one caught my eye. No return address, but the label said it was from California. I sliced open the tape with a kitchen knife and pulled the flaps. A card sat on top of a Taylor Swift record and a wooden record player. Some weird fan, I assumed. I opened the card and scanned to the bottom for the name. It was signed, "Me," so I started at the top.
Dear Sawyer,
I know it's kind of cheesy, but I heard this song yesterday and thought of you. It says everything I want to say to you right now. I miss you, sweet boy. I don't know what to do, but I miss you so much it hurts. I'm here. I'm waiting. I love you. I think of you constantly. Anyway, just listen.
Love, Me
I hooked up the record player and slipped the vinyl out of the package and onto the player. My heart rate picked up again at the thought of her thinking about me. The music began and the lyrics filled the fire lit room. I sat on the couch and listened. Part of the chorus stuck with me. All I know is we said hello, and your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple name. Everything has changed.
Gretzky fell asleep at my feet by the time the song ended. It was now 1:15a.m. and I wanted to call her immediately, but considered sending a song back to her instead.
Then again, maybe I was going headlong into my emotions again. I reminded myself of the media's c
laws and how badly I wanted to rip them from my life after this last run. And how she had no intentions of stepping out of the spotlight. If she really wanted to be with me, wouldn't she give it up? It still seemed like she loved her job more than me and I couldn't be with someone like that. Simple. That's all I wanted. A simple woman with simple dreams.
I set the alarm on my phone for 4:30a.m. so I wouldn't miss my flight, then I reclined on the couch and thought of her until I fell asleep to the sound of crackling embers.
As soon as the plane hit land my phone blew up with messages. I checked Chris' first. Dude, you seen this? He attached a picture of Nora with some guy having a romantic dinner. I cringed and replied, Don't care.
Well, Melody is up for a date whenever you are.
I ignored his text and went back to the picture of Nora. She looked absolutely incredible in the low lighting of the restaurant. She also looked happy with the guy. He must've been some kind of actor too. I could just tell.
The flight attendant appeared at the front of the plane, but I didn't hear a word she said. I was glad I didn't call or send something to Nora. Maybe she'd be happier with another famous person. Maybe whatever we had wasn't love anyway. Maybe we were meant to be good friends and if I gave her some time to fall in love with someone we could talk again.
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 7
