Everyone filed out of the plane as I stayed in my seat thinking about all of the maybe's I mentally listed. Then I added one more to the list for the sake of confusion.
Maybe I couldn't imagine her with anyone else and maybe ... maybe the picture of her with some other dude bothered the hell out of me.
I slid to a stop on the ice and leaned on my knees, out of breath.
"Reed," Coach yelled. "Get over here."
I slid over to him and lifted my face mask. "Coach."
He pulled my jersey and pretended to look inside. "You in there tonight or do I need to drag you out to the bench for tonight's game?"
I nodded, panting. "Got a lot on my mind."
"No excuses, Reed. You know better. Personal life stays off the ice. If you mess this up and show these boy’s anything different, I swear I’ll take you out of here for good.”
"Yes, sir." I flipped my mask back down and skated back to my position. For the next hour I gave Coach my all, but he knew my all today was only half of me. After practice I skipped the shower and shoved my stuff into the locker.
Jones pat me on the back. "What's your secret?"
"Huh?" I shut the locker and turned.
"With women. First Nora freaking Maddison and now Miss Maryland beauty queen."
"Miss Maryland?"
"It's all over the Internet. You and her bowling on a double date. Don't deny it." He jabbed my chest with his elbow. "So what’s your secret?"
I slammed my fist into the lockers.
Jones stepped back and shrugged. "Meant it as a compliment."
I walked away. "Never mind, Jones." He would never understand that being a player wasn't a compliment and that the media and its ridiculous stories could ruin my life. It did once. It could again.
I went for a walk as the rest of the team met up at some burger joint. Eventually I stopped at Subway and got myself some lunch, hoping no photographers would harass me because I was in no mood to be polite. Thankfully, I ate in peace and killed the rest of my time until meeting the guys back at the locker room.
I got ready in silence, ignoring their pranks. Like tying my skates together in seventy knots and the lipstick marks on my locker. After greeting the other team on the ice I skated back to the center and looked up at the screen while my opponent skated toward me.
Then, she waved from the screen. A #23 jersey gracing her curves and a smile on her face. I looked around the audience and spotted her.
Carter, my opponent, sneered at me. "That's about the only thing you're gonna get lucky with tonight."
And before I could look back to her smile, the puck dropped and was swiped by Carter. I sped off as fast as I could, weaving in and out of others and realizing that I was definitely playing for the girl in the stands and there was no way I'd lose this game. I'd win for her and that's exactly what I did, but when the ice cleared after our shut-out, I couldn't find her. The stands nearly empty and she already disappeared.
I looked everywhere and then gave up and took a shower after everyone had left. I got dressed, walked outside, and saw a figure leaning against my car, but when I got closer I realized it was only Coach.
"You played okay tonight, Reed." He crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm worried about you."
"I'll do everything I can to help this team make it to finals."
"That's not what I mean."
I nodded.
"You need to make things right with Quin."
I nodded.
Coach clapped his hands together. "Alright, well I'm not gonna act like your father, but if you don't do what you need to do and stop messing around I won't put you on the ice."
"I'm not messing aro—”
"I know, I know." He began walking away, then called back over his shoulder, "Just be a man, boy."
I searched my pockets for my keys and realized I didn't have them. Couldn't find them in my bag either. I grabbed the car door handle and yanked. Fortunately, it was unlocked, which was unusual for me, and sure enough the keys were in the ignition. I shoved my gear toward the passenger's seat and turned the car on.
Immediately the same Taylor Swift song began playing. At first I thought it was a weird coincidence, but then I noticed that it was a disc playing, not the radio. I scanned the parking lot for Nora, a little weirded out about the stalking thing, but still longing to touch her again. Didn't see her, so I closed my eyes and listened to the song. During the last verse, eyes still closed, I could almost feel her breath on my face.
I opened my eyes and she was leaning over me from the back seat, eyes closed, lips centimeters from mine. If I was dreaming I sure as hell didn't want to wake up. I touched her face and felt myself falling into her again, desiring her in more ways than my mind could understand. Running my fingertips down her neck and across her collarbone, I saw her breathing accelerate. I traced her lips with my thumb, then gave into the extreme urge to taste her again. We kissed passionately for so long we heated the car. Then I pushed the chair back and pulled her onto my lap, where we talked until sunrise. Yes, only talked. Just like old times.
"I need to catch my flight," she said around 6:13.
"Me too." I ran my fingers down her arm and held her hand.
"Sawyer, I've waited to say this." She stopped and looked into my eyes without blinking. "I'm in love with you. I can't stand the idea of being without you."
I looked at our hands. Our fingers linked together. I couldn't stand to he without her either, but the fame … the media … the lies….
"Do you love me?" she said, moving a strand of hair from her cheek.
I brought my hands to her face and pressed my forehead against hers. "What do you think?"
"Then choose me." She kissed me, then leaned back. "Choose us."
I looked down. "Relationships like this don't last." I tried to look at her, but couldn't. "It won't last. There's too much pressure. Too many lies."
"Don't you believe in love? Don't you believe that it's stronger than any obstacle in its path?"
"If you believe in us so much, then why isn't love more important than making movies?"
She took a deep breath. "That's not fair."
"Why not? You're asking me to give up my desire for a simple life. Let me ask you something." She looked at me, blinking slow and steady. "Do you imagine marrying me? Because I'm not the play for fun kind. I play for keeps and … look, I just want a quiet life with my wife and kids on a nice plot of land with a pond where the paparazzi wouldn't be interested in following me around."
"It sounds like both of us feel the same."
I wiped a tear from her cheek. "I don't understand. What's happening between us? Why does it feel so good and hurt so much at the same time?"
"Because … neither of us are willing to compromise."
"There is no compromise. One movie every few years is no different than one every year."
"I can't do this." She swung her legs over me and stood outside of the car. "I've given you my heart and all I'm asking is for you to want it."
I stood and took her hands, but she fell into my chest. "Nora, there's not a part of me that doesn't want you."
She stepped back. "But I keep telling you, this is me. I am an actress. This is who I am. Why are you so scared of a few cameras and magazines?”
"Why are you so afraid of not being an actress? Is being normal too far below you?"
She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. "This isn't love."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know." She kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry I tried again. I'll leave you alone now." She turned to walk away, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me. I kissed her again, trying to show her how much I wanted her, but she just looked up at me with dark eyes.
"Why don't we be friends for now?" I said. "I can't lose you completely."
"I can't. I tried dating another guy and all I could think about was you." She crossed her arms over her chest, then dropped them to her sides again. "If you don't
want to be with me, really be with me, then you need to let me go and I promise I won't contact you again. It's just that...." Her voice cracked.
I wrapped my arms around her again and finished her sentence, "It's just that I love you." I held her shoulders and pushed her body from mine so I could look into her eyes. "I know I do. You're the most real thing I've felt in a long time."
"This is ridiculous." The volume of her voice went up a few notches. "We're going in circles. I need to go now. Let's take a break for a month and see how we feel on Christmas Eve. No talking until then. Midnight meet me at the bridge."
I reluctantly agreed, then kissed her again before she walked to what I assumed was a rental car. I couldn't help watching her hips as she gracefully glided away from me. The girl had sex appeal no man could deny when she got all dressed up, but I liked seeing her in jeans and boots and a simple sweater. I liked seeing her period. And as she waved from her car I wondered if I could convince myself to be with Nora Maddison and everything that came along with that. Going to awards shows, selling our first born's photographs to Us Weekly for way too much money, having private walks on the beach show up on tabloids, constantly being told we are broken up when we aren't or someone's cheating when they haven't.
I'm a hockey player, I thought to myself. I love hockey. That's it. I'm not cut out for all of this.
As I turned on my car I switched mental gears and thought of Quin. My next game was in New York and I knew I needed to somehow show him how I really felt about everything we went through. I needed to talk to him face to face before I left. Coach was right. He knew I'd never make it to finals with so much guilt on my hands. Even if Quin didn't forgive me, I still needed to do my part. And I finally would.
CH. 16 - Nora
There were two people I always turned to for relationship advice. I picked them because they were pretty much opposites and often gave different advice so I could see the two extremes and find my own middle place. So I decided to call each one before my evening scenes. I got comfortable in my trailer and started with the most romantic person I'd ever met. Ella picked up after a few rings and we talked about this and that for a few minutes until I finally started my speech.
"So," I said. "I kinda need advice. You probably don't know about Sawyer. I know you don't follow all that gossip stuff, so I'll try to be quick. We met randomly one day and had these late night phone calls for a while. It was so comforting and we have so much in common. Eventually we met up again in person and Ella ... it was magical. It was so, so beautiful in so many ways. We literally forgot all of the reasons we might not work and just loved in the moment. I've never felt that way in my life. But things got complicated. We never shared our last names or what we did, but I found out that he was this famous hockey player with a history of gracing as many magazine covers as I do. I kinda went back and forth and then he found out who I was and it hasn't been the same since. When we are together in person it feels so right. For a few hours we ignore the nagging questions and fears we both have and we love each other. I know he loves me and I know I've never felt this way about someone, but he wants me to give up acting. He has this, I don't know, it's like he's anti-fame because of whatever he went through before. I want him to just let it go and he wants me to let go of acting but neither of us will do it. I know your friends Miranda and Derek are getting married soon and they had to overcome a lot of issues, so I figured I'd ask your opinion."
Ella waited a second to make sure I was finished, then said, "Sounds like you guys are alike in another way too."
"What do you mean?"
"Stubborn." She laughed quietly. "With Miranda and Derek it was the opposite. They were a lot different and they've sorta shaped each other. Anyway. Question. Is acting more important than love to you?"
"No, but if it's real love I would think this wouldn't be an issue. I've been wanting this for years and to just leave it...."
"Would you be happier with someone else who understood and supported your career?"
"I ... I don't know."
"Do you want my opinion?"
"Of course. Just go easy on me."
"I remember when Pat first met you. He said that you didn't want to act anymore. You didn't like the attention. Suddenly you made it big and it happened so fast and now you are reveling in it, but maybe your real problem isn't anything to do with Sawyer. Maybe it's that Sawyer reminds you of what you used to be and you're afraid that it's like regressing back to something less than what you are now. Maybe your values have changed."
"Interesting." I replayed her words in my mind. "Okay. I'll think about it. Thank you, Ella. Really."
"I love you, friend. Call anytime."
We hung up and instead of processing her words more, I dialed London.
"When will you learn?" she said.
"Hello to you too."
"Nora, Nora, Nora."
"How'd you know?"
"How does anyone not know?"
"I don't get it. My love life isn't nearly as interesting as they make it seem."
"You're just a good target, that's all."
I sighed. "Things with Sawyer and I aren't like that, London. You gotta believe me. He's not what they make him seem like. I mean, if anything he talks about marriage and the future more than I do. It's like he can't just date for fun and he needs to know it has potential."
"At least that's what he tells you."
“Do you have to be so cynical about love all the time? Just listen to what I'm saying. What we have is absolutely amazing when we're together but the only real problem is that he wants to quit hockey for good after this season and get away from the spotlight. He doesn't want to be with someone right smack in the middle of it." I breathed in loud enough for her to hear. "And that's me."
There was a tap on my trailer door. "Can I come in?" It sounded like Dan.
"One second," I yelled. "Lon, I gotta go. Real quick, what would you do?"
"This might be too advanced for me. I only know how to get my heart broken."
"Please. Anything."
"Be yourself. If he loves you as you are, then he loves you."
I walked to the door and opened it. "I'll call you tomorrow. Love you."
After we hung up Dan asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we meandered around the trailers to some field behind them. I shivered in the cold and looked up to the cloudy sky.
"Looks like snow," he said.
I nodded. "Almost Christmas."
"Well, let's get through Thanksgiving first."
"Actually I don't celebrate Thanksgiving." He cocked his head and almost smiled. I smiled back. "Yes, I'm serious."
"Why not?" He sat down on a log.
I sat beside him. "Kinda weird to celebrate the massacre of Indians by giving thanks. I think I'd rather be one of the dead Indians than one who celebrates their murders."
He laughed. "Never heard that before, but I guess I see it as a day to be thankful for my family and spending time with those I love."
"Yeah, I know I'm weird. I guess I have trouble celebrating the real origination of a holiday from what consumerism has turned it into." I laughed. "I'm half-kidding. I guess I walk to the beat of my own drum."
He nodded. "Must be hard."
"What?"
"Must be lonely walking to your own drum beat. All alone with no other drummers."
I looked down. "I never thought of it that way."
"It's not bad to be part of something. To be like others and learn to appreciate other beats while contributing your own."
I laughed. "You're something else."
He shrugged. "I've got my own issues."
"Like what?"
"Well ... it's a little ridiculous."
"And I'm not? Come on ... spill it."
He tugged on his coat sleeves and tightened his scarf. "I was engaged before, but I ended it."
"What's so ridiculous about that?"
"I ended it because I can't get this girl out of my head. This is g
oing to sound so dumb, but I met her when I was a kid and then I moved away. She could be married now with kids. She could be nothing like what I imagine, which is possible because I have a wild imagination. Either way, for years I wasn't able to shake this feeling that I'm settling for someone else if I don't end up with her."
I swallowed hard as a wave of nausea crept up inside me.
"I know it's weird." He stood. "I try to move on. When I first saw you I was speechless. I was used to seeing you with all the makeup and everything from your movies, but when I saw you here for the first time you looked natural and real and something about that struck me. I wanted to at least try to get to know you, but”—he laughed—“I realize your heart is with someone else too."
I stood and looked into his eyes, searching for the little boy who stayed in my wallet for so many years. Could it be?
"Nora?" he said shyly.
"Where did you live when you were a kid?" I wrapped my arms around my body.
"Orlando. You?"
I inhaled for what felt like the first time in minutes. "Illinois."
He stepped closer to me.
"I don't think you're crazy." I looked down. "I did the same thing. Waited for this boy I knew as a kid. For a minute I thought maybe...."
"Maybe it was me." He stepped closer again. "Nora.” He ran his fingers through my hair … like Sawyer. “Can I kiss you?"
I kept my eyes from blinking so I could take in the way he looked at me. He wasn’t Sawyer. No, he understood me. He was a dreamer like me. Enjoyed the same career. Didn't mind the fame. He was smart and gorgeous and sweet. I continued searching his eyes, as his danced across my face. He leaned closer and held my arms with his hands, heating wherever they touched. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of his breath on my lips. Closer, closer....
I turned my face and stepped back. "I'm sorry."
"Is it the hockey guy?"
I nodded, holding back tears.
"You love him?"
I turned back to Dan's alluring gaze and forced myself to try. To try my hardest to kiss another man and see … see if maybe I could be with someone else. If I could really let go of “the hockey guy.” Throwing my hands over his shoulders, I pressed myself into his body and kissed him until our noses were no longer cold. He finally pulled away and held my face … like Sawyer.
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 8
