Dreams Die First

by Harold Robbins

  She picked up the checks and smiled. “I’m Dana.”

  It was no use. They had done it again. “How do you girls know which one is which when you wake up in the morning?” I asked sarcastically.

  “It’s easy, Mr. Brendan,” she said with a straight face. “I sleep on the left side of the bed.”

  “What happens if you should happen to sleep on the right side?”

  “Then I’m Shana that day,” she said seriously.

  That was the first thing I’d heard that made sense. They were interchangeable. I dropped the subject. “Are we caught up on everything?”

  “Yes, Mr. Brendan.”

  “Then get me a scotch on the rocks and find out if Bobby can give me a lift back to the hotel.” She got the drink from the built-in bar and left the office. I sipped the drink. The phone buzzed and I picked it up.

  “Mr. Ronzi on the first line,” she said.

  I punched the button. “Yes?”

  “Just called to let you know the early reports sound good. The dealers racked Lifestyle right next to the Reader’s Digest.”

  “That’s not bad,” I said.

  “We’ll have a better line on it by the end of the week. I’ll keep you up to date, though.”

  “Good.” I pressed another button and dialed Verita’s number. “How much are we into for this issue of the Digest?” I asked.

  “Fifty-five thousand. We have to sell one hundred and seventy thousand to come out.”

  “We’ll do it,” I said. “Got time for a drink?”

  “Sorry, but thanks anyway. I have to dash. I have a date.”

  “The judge again?”

  “Yes.”

  “I like him. Give him my best.” I put down the phone and returned to my drink. Things weren’t the same now that I was here in a private office. I felt out of touch. People just didn’t walk in anymore. They called for an appointment.

  The phone buzzed again. Bobby would pick me up in ten minutes. I was getting edgy sitting in the office, so I left my drink and went downstairs into the store.

  Almost everyone had gone, but I saw that Jack was still there, talking to one of the bookkeepers. He straightened up as I approached them. “Good evening, Mr. Brendan.”

  “How’s it going, Jack?” I asked.

  “Real fine, Mr. Brendan. We grossed almost seventy thousand last month, net fifty.”

  “That’s fantastic. Good work, Jack.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Brendan.” He looked at me hesitantly. “Do you think you might have some time soon to come over and take a look at our operation?”

  “Of course. Just give me a few days to get out from under the new magazine.” An automobile horn sounded outside. “My transportation. Gotta run.”

  “I understand. Good luck with the Digest.”

  I started out the door, then stopped and turned back to him. Suddenly I knew what had been missing. He was the first person that day who’d wished me luck with the magazine. No one else had thought of it. “Thanks, Jack,” I said. “I’ll try to make it over there tomorrow.”

  I got into the Rolls and Bobby rolled into the traffic. “Got a cigarette?” I asked.

  “In the glove compartment,” he said. “I have some great Thai stick if you want.”

  “I’ll take a Lucky,” I said, helping myself. I lit the cigarette and looked out the window.

  “There’s this guy I’d like you to meet,” he said. “I know you’ll like him. He’s really a beautiful person.”

  “Yeah.”

  He looked at me. “Anything wrong?”

  “No, nothing. Why?”

  “You seem down.”

  “I’m just tired, I guess.”

  “You should be. You have a lot on your plate.”

  “Do I seem any different to you?”

  “No,” he said quickly. Then he stopped. “Yes.”

  “In what way?”

  “You seem more distant somehow.” He seemed to be searching for the words. “Far away. Unreachable. Apart.”

  “I don’t feel different. I haven’t changed.”

  “You have. But it was not something you did. It had to happen. It was a gradual thing, but I think I knew it the night that Eileen got angry with you. Suddenly you reminded me of my father. You had all the power. It wasn’t like that when we started. We all were working together then. Now we’re all working for you. That’s the difference.”

  “But, Bobby, I still love you.”

  “And I still love you. But my father explained it to me. People have to follow their own paths. And we all grow in different ways, that’s all.”

  He pulled the car to a stop. “Here we are.”

  I looked up in surprise. We were at the hotel entrance. Smitty opened the door for me and I got out. I leaned back into the car. “Want to come in for a drink?”

  “No, thanks,” he said. “I’ve got to change. I have a big party tonight. I’m bucking for queen of the year.”

  I laughed. “Have fun. Thanks for the lift.”

  He waved and drove off. I watched the car move out of the driveway and then went into the hotel. I stopped in the Polo Lounge, thinking that I would have a drink before going to the bungalow, but it took three drinks before I put it all together.

  It wasn’t I who had changed. I was still the same. It was they who had changed in the way they thought about me. And there was nothing I could do about it.

  It didn’t make me feel any better but, at least, I knew where I was at. I signed the check and went to the bungalow. After knocking on the door, I opened it with my key.

  Eileen was slumped on the couch, her eyes filled with tears. “What happened?” I asked.

  “Denise is gone.”

  “Gone?”

  “Yes.” She held a piece of paper toward me. “She left this note for you. She said you would understand.”

  I looked down and read it.

  Dear Gareth,

  There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to disconnect. I have just been summoned for second-plane instruction. When it is completed, I will be a teacher and later, when I enter the first plane, I’ll be eligible for sisterhood. But to do that, I can have no other ties except to God and my work. So I must disconnect you from my inner being in order to free my body from its physical need of you. I will always remember and love you both.

  Peace and love—

  Denise

  “Shit,” I said. “Couldn’t you stop her?”

  “You know better than that,” Eileen said. “I tried, but she wouldn’t budge. I love her, too. I’ll miss her.”

  I sat down beside her. She put her head on my shoulder. “She had only one regret about leaving, she said.”

  “What’s that?”

  She turned away with a strange smile on her face. “I can’t tell you,” she said. Then suddenly she began to laugh.

  “If it’s so goddamn funny, you can tell me,” I snapped.

  She caught her breath and wiped at her eyes. “Her only regret was that she would never know what it was like to be fucked in the ass by you.”

  CHAPTER 41

  The Mexican sun woke me early. I slipped into my jeans and went up to the main building to have breakfast with Lonergan. Eileen was still asleep and Marissa hadn’t moved from her bed. I called Lonergan from the house phone in the lobby.

  There was no answer. I checked my watch. Eight o’clock. He was probably having breakfast in the coffee shop. He wasn’t there either, but Verita was sitting at a table alone.

  I went over to her. “Good morning. What are you doing up so early?”

  “I’m finished here. I thought I’d catch the morning flight back. The auditors have completed their report on the clubs. I want to go over it.”

  “What’s the rush?” I asked, sitting down opposite her. A waiter came and put a cup of coffee in front of me. “It’s beautiful here. Why don’t you just stay and get some sun? The auditors can wait.”

  “That’s easy for you to sa
y. You don’t have to go through all those figures.”

  I sipped at the coffee. It was hot and black and bitter. I made a face. “This coffee alone would chase customers away.”

  “The Mexicans like it that way.”

  “The Mexicans don’t stay at this hotel.” I looked at her. “What do you think of the place?”

  “It’s beautiful. But we don’t need it. Even if we do make money, it would be a big headache.”

  “Do you think we can make money?”

  “Quién sabe?” She shrugged. “Maybe, if all your ideas work.”

  “Do you think we would lose money?”

  “If you can keep your investment under four million dollars, no. Anything over that is a big question mark.” She sipped at her coffee. “The changes you want to make could cost more than a million dollars. That means you shouldn’t offer them more than three.”

  “They won’t go for that.”

  “Then I’d pass.”

  “You’re getting conservative in your old age.”

  “You’re not paying me to take chances. Gambling with your money is your privilege, not mine. All I can do is answer your questions honestly.”

  “Hey, don’t get touchy,” I said. “I know that.”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Have you seen Lonergan around?”

  “He left a few minutes before you came in.”

  “Do you know where he went?”

  “No. Though I did see him get into a car with Julio.”

  I stared down at my coffee. Verita saw the expression on my face and called the waiter. “Café americano por el señor.”

  “You know, I think Lonergan’s beginning to like me,” she said.

  “What makes you say that?”

  “He actually sat down and had coffee with me. He asked what I thought about the hotel and I told him.”

  “Did he have anything to say?”

  She shook her head. “You know him. He doesn’t say anything. He just sat there and nodded. I had the feeling that he agreed with me. And when he left, he actually smiled and wished me a pleasant flight.”

  The waiter came back with a pot of hot water and a jar of American instant coffee. I fixed myself a cup and tasted it. This was better.

  “What are you going to do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know yet.” I fished in my pockets for cigarettes. She held a pack out to me. “Did Lonergan happen to mention where he was going?”

  She struck a match and held it for me. “No.”

  I remembered what Dieter had said yesterday. That Lonergan was the only man who could make Julio stop using the airstrip. I wondered what they were talking about.

  “Did you have a chance to talk to Julio?” I asked.

  “Not really. But I know that he is very excited about your taking over the hotel. He feels that you will make a big success with it.”

  I laughed. “I’ll bet. Is it true that he has a big family down here?”

  “Es verdad.” She nodded. “I think in one way or the other he is related to everyone. And they all are benefiting from the hotel, by either working here or supplying food. They all are farmers, you know. The hotel buys everything they grow.”

  “Are you related to them, too?”

  “No. They are all campesinos. I am related to Julio through marriage. My father was a teacher at the university in Mexico City. I didn’t meet Julio until we moved to Los Angeles.”

  Murtagh came into the dining room and saw us. He waved and threaded his way through the room to our table. “How’s it going?” he asked in his hearty real estate agent manner.

  “Fine,” I answered.

  “Getting all the information you want?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, if there’s anything more you need, just let me know and I’ll get it for you.”

  “I think I’m covered,” I said.

  “When do you think you’ll be ready to have a meeting with the von Halsbachs?”

  “I’ll let you know this evening.” I wanted to hear about Lonergan’s meeting with Julio before I did anything.

  “Fine,” he said. “Dieter just took off for the day, but he told me to tell you he’ll be back this evening and at your disposal.”

  I was curious. “Where did he go?”

  “He mentioned something about going up to the Retreat. He’s quite an amateur photographer himself. I guess he wants to see how the professionals do it.”

  He left the coffee shop and when I turned back to Verita, she was smiling. She knew what I was thinking. Bobby had been shooting for two days right here at the hotel and Dieter hadn’t even looked out the window. “King Dong scores again,” I said. “Do you think Dieter might be in love?”

  She laughed and got to her feet. “I have to go upstairs and finish packing if I want to make the plane.”

  “I’ll wait and go down to the airstrip with you.”

  “But what about Eileen and Marissa?” she asked sweetly.

  I knew a dig when I heard one but chose to ignore it. “The judge meeting you at the airport?” I asked.

  She blushed.

  I smiled. “It’s that serious?”

  “Gareth,” she said, “we’re just very good friends, that’s all. I respect him for what he’s accomplished. There aren’t many Chicanos that have gone as far as he has.”

  “Sure,” I teased. “And he respects you for your mind.”

  “That’s right.”

  “Well, give him a taste of that sweet pussy and he’ll fall in love with you,” I said.

  “Is that all you ever think of, Gareth?”

  I laughed. “Yes. After all, I’m in the business, aren’t I?”

  ***

  We turned onto a dirt road about fifteen miles from the hotel. “The Retreat is about two miles from here,” Marissa said. “Just on the other side of the small forest.”

  “Pretty isolated.” We had seen no signs of life for the past ten miles.

  She looked at me from behind the wheel as she negotiated a tight turn. “They want it that way. In the rainy season you cannot even drive this road.”

  I could believe that. The car bumped over the hard-packed ruts. I held on to the door and looked back at Eileen. She didn’t look too happy.

  She saw my glance and grimaced. “This is no way to treat a hangover.”

  I laughed. “You can’t win ’em all.”

  The road cut through the forest and we came out on the other side into bright glaring sunlight. The Retreat spread out in front of us. The low American ranch-style buildings seemed familiar. Then I remembered. It was almost a duplicate of Reverend Sam’s farm in Fullerton. It had the same central building and, surrounding it, the wooden barracks that served as dormitories. There was a weathered split rail fence with a gate to the driveway that led to the main building of the compound.

  We saw no sign of life as we pulled to a stop. I looked at my watch as I got out of the car. It was just after eleven o’clock. “I wonder where everybody is?”

  “Everybody goes to work in the fields,” Marissa explained, coming around the car. “I think they take lunch there, too.”

  Eileen got out of the car. She dabbed at her face with a Kleenex. “It’s hot.”

  I went up the steps of the veranda and tried the door. It was open. We went inside. It was cooler there. And also familiar. It was very much the same layout as that of the Fullerton farm. I led the way to the office. That door, too, was unlocked. I opened it. The man sitting at the desk raised his head.

  “Peace and love, Brother Jonathan,” I said.

  “Peace and love,” he answered automatically. Then a look of recognition came over his face. He got to his feet. “Gareth!” He smiled.

  I held out my hand. His grip was firm and warm.

  “You manage to turn up in the strangest places,” he said.

  “So do you.” I introduced the girls. He already knew Marissa.

  “What brings you out here?” he asked.
/>   I explained to him that I was down at the hotel and had come out here to check on Bobby’s photo session.

  “Oh, yes. I saw them this morning. They’re shooting near the old Indian village.”

  “I know where that is,” Marissa said.

  “May I offer you a cool drink or a coffee?” Brother Jonathan asked.

  “We don’t want to put you to any trouble. We’ll just run up to the village.”

  “No trouble at all. We’ll just go over to the commissary.”

  We followed him down the corridor to the dining room. We could hear sounds of people working in the kitchen. No sooner did we sit down than a bearded young man appeared. We all asked for coffee.

  “You’re doing very well, I understand,” Brother Jonathan said. “I’m really pleased for you.”

  “Thank you.” The young man came back with the coffee. “How long have you been out here?”

  “Two years now. I helped build the place. Most of it was built with leftover material from the hotel construction.”

  “Don’t you miss home?”

  “No. My home is where my work takes me. If Reverend Sam feels I can serve him better here, then I am content.”

  I tasted the coffee. One sip was enough. I put it down without saying anything. “This is a school?”

  “Not really. It is more of a seminary. We bring members to the second plane, so that they can go forward and teach.”

  “How long does that take?”

  “It varies. Some have more problems disconnecting than others. Two years, three years, who knows? When they are ready, they move out. We have no formal time limit.”

  “What about Denise?”

  He hesitated a moment before answering. “Yes. She’s here.”

  “Can we see her?”

  “You can. But I would prefer that you do not. For her sake,” he added quickly. “As you know, she felt very strongly about you. It has been extremely difficult for her to disconnect and I am afraid that if she saw you, she would have a severe setback.”

  “You make it sound as if I were a communicable disease.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that she has come a long way. I would not like to see her lose the ground she has gained. She is just beginning to achieve tranquility.”