Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Adam Uh-huh. I mean, since I basically have to jump you now if you lift that can up, it’d help with my report …

  Evelyn Because I don’t like art that isn’t true.

  Adam ‘True’. What do you mean?

  Evelyn False art. I hate it …

  Other patrons drift past. They watch them go.

  Adam No, I understand the words you’ve used there, although they’re both pretty subjective. ‘Art’. ‘Truth’.

  Evelyn Exactly! That’s the beauty of art … It’s subjective.

  Adam Right, but see, I don’t know what you’re referring to then. I mean, specifically … (Beat.) Didn’t Oscar Wilde say something like, ‘In art there is no such thing as a universal truth …’ or whatever?

  Evelyn Yes … Very good. ‘A truth in art is that whose contradictory is also true.’ Right, but that’s an aesthetic. I’m talking about practicalities. Censorship. (She points.) This sculpture. It’s fake, it’s not real. Therefore, false art …

  Adam No, it’s a Fornecelli, it definitely is. I read the little thingie there one time …

  Evelyn Yes, but the leaf cluster isn’t.

  Adam It’s not? / What is it, a pastie or something, like strippers have?

  Evelyn No. / It’s plaster … It was added by a committee who had complaints from local townspeople. / Uh-huh. / They made a petition and got that put on, thereby removing its subjectivity as art.

  Adam Really? / I didn’t know that … / When did they do this?

  Evelyn Seven or eight years ago now, I think. Before I got here, anyway. / See, they objected to his ‘thing’, the shape of it. Said it was too life-like. (Beat.) It’s supposed to be ‘God’, you know … That’s what pisses ’em off.

  Adam Huh. / Yeah … He’s not really supposed to have one of those, is he?

  Evelyn No, and I don’t know why … We’re always calling him ‘The Creator’. (Beat.) Look at it, you can see the … See right behind the grapes there, you can just see his …

  Adam … Grapes. Yes. You’re absolutely, huh. Didn’t even cover him properly. Shoddy craftsmanship!

  Evelyn I mean, if you’re gonna do it, at least …

  Adam … Exactly. Do it right. (Beat.) But why deface the thing? I mean, just out of curiosity. Why not, say, knock the plaster off and expose his … you know … cluster … If you’re trying to …

  Evelyn Because. That’s so … Expected.

  Adam Ahh … So, you’re a student, then, or is this just basic anarchy?

  Evelyn Yep. Student.

  Adam Me too.

  Evelyn Yeah? What’s your emphasis?

  Adam Umm … Taking out school loans, primarily, but I do sit in on a few English classes. You’re in art?

  Evelyn Mmm-hmm. M.F.A. / Applied Theory and Crit.

  Adam Oh. / So, is this, like, a project?

  Evelyn No, I’m just getting started on my thesis project now. A big sorta installation … ‘thingie’.

  Adam That’s a good word, huh? ‘Thingie’.

  Evelyn It is … (Points.) Anyway, this is only a pet peeve …

  Adam Thesis? You’re graduating …

  Evelyn In May.

  Adam ’Kay. I’m only a junior …

  Evelyn Huh. You seem older.

  Adam Well, I am. I mean, older than twenty, anyhow … I worked for a couple years. Made money.

  Evelyn Not enough, though. Still got two jobs …

  Adam Don’t forget the school loans …

  Evelyn Right. So, basically, you’re … fucked.

  Adam Yep. But at least I’m educated, so I comprehend that I’m fucked …

  They stand there for a moment. Adam checks his watch. Evelyn shakes her spray can.

  Evelyn You’re cute. I don’t like the way you wear your hair …

  Adam Thank you. I think …

  Evelyn No, you’re definitely cute, but you shouldn’t style it so much. Your hair. Just let it go …

  Adam ’Kay. I’ll try that …

  Evelyn Your relief’s late …

  Adam Yeah. Typical …

  Evelyn So, do you have to stay at your station until they spell you, or …?

  Adam No, at punch-out time, I’m supposed to get down there and do it. They can really be pricks about that …

  Evelyn You should go then …

  Adam Right. Yeah, I … Can I call you?

  Evelyn What do you wanna call me?

  Adam Up. Just up, right now. Talk, maybe get crazy, take you to dinner …

  Evelyn Okay. Ahh … Sure. (Beat.) Do they allow you to do that here?

  Adam What, eat dinner?

  Evelyn I meant hit on the patrons …

  Adam … Umm, no, they’ve got a pretty strict policy about that, too, actually. But …

  Evelyn … Ahh, the great equaliser. ‘But.’

  Adam Exactly. I’ll take the risk …

  Evelyn … Good answer, grasshopper.

  Adam Huh?

  Evelyn Kung Fu on TV. Remember when he was a kid? The old guy with the fakey contact lenses, and the …

  Adam Oh, right … Sure. ‘Grasshopper.’ I don’t really watch much television …

  Evelyn My brothers loved that show. (Beat.) So, do you want a number?

  Adam Absolutely! (Checks.) Damn, I don’t have a pen.

  Evelyn Me either. (Thinks.) Here …

  Adam What?

  Evelyn The jacket. Take it off for a second.

  Adam Oh, that’s, umm …

  Evelyn What?

  Adam It’s my own … ’S not part of the uniform. It’s mine.

  Evelyn Good. Then you’ll always have it on you … From the looks of it.

  Adam follows her orders. Evelyn lays the coat open on the floor, looks around, then uncaps the paint and sprays a phone number inside.

  … Don’t worry, it dries quick.

  Adam Thanks. Okay, so, I’ll … Yeah. (He glances back.) Good luck with the … Nice to meet you. Again.

  Evelyn You too.

  Adam smiles at her, looks back again, walks off. Evelyn is left alone. She turns back to the statue and starts shaking her paint can. The little ball bearings inside rattle loudly.

  A RESTAURANT LOBBY

  Adam standing with Evelyn. He looks a bit different, not as bulky, and he’s letting his hair go. Same jacket under his arm.

  Evelyn … No, seriously. You have.

  Adam Yeah?

  Evelyn No question.

  Adam I dunno. I think I still look …

  Evelyn You can definitely tell. You can.

  Adam Really?

  Evelyn Definitely. Plus, the hair … / I bet you your friends say something. Twenty bucks …

  Adam Well, I’m glad … / I mean, I can’t tell and so I figured … Twenty bucks?

  Evelyn Yes. That’s because you see ‘you’ every day. Shower, getting dressed, that kind of thing. But …

  Adam So do you.

  Evelyn I don’t see you shower. Or getting dressed …

  Adam No, I meant every day. So far, anyway, since we first went to …

  Evelyn I know, I’m kidding.

  Adam Oh. Okay … (Beat.) I’d like that, though. If you would …

  Evelyn Which?

  Adam Both if you want. Either. Anything, any moment I can get with you … That’s what I’d like.

  Evelyn Ask and you shall receive …

  Adam So, I’m asking, then.

  Evelyn So you shall be receiving then …

  They share a brief kiss; he looks around self-consciously.

  Adam P.D.A. Public display of affection. I’m not used to that …

  Evelyn No? I don’t mind …

  Adam Really?

  Evelyn Nah, whose business is it? Ours, right? Kiss if we want to, make love in the bathroom stall … Who cares?

  Adam I’d start with the management …

  Evelyn Yeah, but why should they? I mean … We’re two adults, we …

  Adam I think this is a bigger discussion than befor
e Jenny and Phillip get here … / I mean, no, I’d love to have it with you, the discussion, and I agree, somewhat, but …

  Evelyn Whatever. / I understand …

  Adam Another time, we’ll definitely discuss it.

  Evelyn Another time … I’d rather do it.

  Adam Lemme go check the men’s room … (He laughs.) … You amaze me.

  Evelyn I’m glad. (Beat.) And you amaze me, you do. Look at you!

  Adam … It’s just a little jogging.

  Evelyn No, it’s not. It’s not just that … You’re running, you’re eating better, are you still lifting?

  Adam Yeah … I mean, I didn’t today, but …

  Evelyn That’s okay.

  Adam No, I’m gonna … So, yeah, alright, it’s a whole routine thing. You’re right …

  Evelyn Do you like doing it?

  Adam Honestly … No. I totally hate it!

  They laugh.

  Evelyn So why would you …?

  Adam Because you suggested it. Which is kinda pathetic, but true …

  Evelyn You shouldn’t do something you don’t wanna do.

  Adam Yeah, you should, why not? If it’s for someone … I mean, I’m doing it for you.

  Evelyn It’s a life change. Really …

  Adam Right.

  Evelyn I gave you a couple ideas and you’re changing your entire life. I’m very proud of you.

  Adam Thank you … (Cockney.) ’Enry ’Iggins.

  Evelyn What’s that? Who’s …

  Adam Nothing. From a book. Play, actually.

  Evelyn Oh. (Beat.) Are you keeping your journal? It really does help …

  Adam Yes.

  Evelyn Will you let me read it?

  Adam … Some time.

  Evelyn Good.

  They stand for a moment. Evelyn checks her watch.

  Adam And what about you?

  Evelyn What about me?

  Adam That’s what I mean … I don’t know.

  Evelyn What?

  Adam Nothing. I don’t really know anything about you …

  Evelyn Yes, you do!

  Adam I don’t. Not really …

  Evelyn What’s my name?

  Adam Evelyn.

  Evelyn Where am I from?

  Adam Illinois. Near Chicago?

  Evelyn Yes. How old am I?

  Adam Ummm … Twenty-five, maybe.

  Evelyn That’s exactly right. Almost twenty-six. Sign?

  Adam Gemini, I think …

  Evelyn The twins, yes.

  Adam Does that mean you have a split personality?

  Evelyn No, it means I was born in June.

  Adam Oh. (Beat.) And you’re, what, a sculptress, right? an artist …

  Evelyn Yep. Anything else you wanna know?

  Adam Yes … Everything!

  Evelyn So ask then …

  Adam Well … Why are you always asking me questions if it’s no big deal.

  Evelyn Because you make me curious … I’m a curious person.

  Adam I’m curious, too, though!

  Evelyn Like I said … So ask then.

  Adam … Why do you like me?

  Evelyn What?

  Adam Me … Why would you like me? I’m not anything, I mean … And you’re so …

  Evelyn Don’t do that, okay? That’s the only thing about you I don’t like … What you see in yourself. Or don’t see. Your insecurities. (Beat.) Do you like me?

  Adam Of course, you know I do …

  Evelyn Do I appear to like you? Hmm?

  Adam Yes … It seems like it, yeah.

  Evelyn I do like you. Do you think I’m smart?

  Adam I think you’re amazing … And you have a great ass. Just thought you should know …

  Evelyn Not part of my query, but thank you.

  Adam Welcome …

  Evelyn And do I seem to know my own mind? I mean, generally …

  Adam No question.

  Evelyn So, don’t you trust me, then, to know how I feel?

  Adam Yeah. No, you’re right …

  Evelyn Don’t worry about why when what is right in front of you.

  Adam Those’re very wise words from someone with such a great ass …

  Evelyn (playfully) Kiss me, grasshopper …

  They start to kiss again as a young couple approaches.

  Jenny Ah, ah, ah … P.D.A.

  Phillip I don’t think anybody wants to watch you kiss, Adam … We’ll be eating soon.

  Adam Hey, Phillip, hello! Evelyn, this is Phillip, and his fiancée, Jenny …

  ‘Hellos’ all round.

  Phillip So, we should grab a table, and … (Stopping to look.) Adam, what’s up with you? D’you lost weight?

  Adam … A little, maybe.

  Jenny No, he cut his hair … Or something. That’s it, right?

  Adam Umm, yeah. I mean, both, sort of.

  Phillip Huh. Okay, so, let’s … Come on.

  Jenny and Phillip lead the way. Evelyn stares at Adam as they follow; he pulls a twenty out of his pocket and places it in her hand.

  A LIVING ROOM

  Adam and Evelyn sitting on a couch. Jenny and Phillip in opposing chairs. Everyone holds a drink.

  Adam … So, tell me this again, you’re going to what?

  Phillip Underwater. We’re going to get married underwater …

  Adam You’ve gotta be kidding me!

  Phillip … Like those Life magazine photos you see or whatever. Seriously.

  Jenny We wanted to try something bold …

  Evelyn That oughta do it.

  Adam This is crazy, really. And, so, if we want to attend we have to …

  Phillip … Get in the tank with us. You bet.

  Jenny No, honey, I thought we said …

  Phillip … We haven’t, okay, no, we haven’t settled that part completely, but …

  Jenny My dad could never do that. I mean, my mom would try, she would, but Dad …

  Phillip Maybe people can watch from the glass window things or whatever, but I’d prefer if they came in with us …

  He drains his glass, looking at Adam.

  Adam That is nuts …

  Evelyn I applaud you. I think it’s very …

  Phillip (to Evelyn) Yeah, well, don’t expect my buddy here to follow in our footsteps. He’s the least adventurous person I know …

  Evelyn Really?

  Phillip Absolutely! And the marriage thing? Uh-uh, not gonna happen, sorry. I don’t know how many nights I listened to this guy say, ‘Not me, man, I’m never getting hooked, no way, man …’

  Evelyn Is that right? Well, well …

  Adam Listen, don’t encourage him. My room-mate doesn’t need any –

  Phillip Former room-mate …

  Adam – more encouragement. (Beat.) I’m gonna look stupid in one of those wet suits.

  Phillip Hey, let’s not be a party-pooper here, my friend … This could’ve been you.

  Adam laughs thinly; Evelyn doesn’t understand.

  Adam I know, I know …

  Phillip Right?

  Evelyn I’m lost. What’s …?

  Phillip I stole Jenny away from Adam …

  Adam Come on …

  Phillip I did! (To Jenny.) Didn’t I?

  Jenny No, you didn’t, stop being … (To Evelyn.) Adam and I had a class together, but he never got up the nerve to ask me out.

  Evelyn Is that true?

  Adam Something like that …

  Jenny Four months we sat next to each other – I’m borrowing his pen, like, all the time, hint-hint – and he’s this total monk the whole semester … Anyway, Phil picks him up from class one day, sees me, and we went to the movies that same night.

  Phillip I cannot tell a lie … I’ve got the moves, God help me.

  Adam God help all of us …

  A collective laugh.

  Evelyn Well, like I said, I think it’s great. It’s really amazing, it is, to find anybody willing to take a risk today. To look a little silly o
r different or anything. Bravo! (Toasts.) To people with balls …

  They all toast, even Phillip with his empty glass, but he looks over at Adam. Adam blushes.

  Phillip ‘Balls’, huh? Yep, that’s my Jenny …

  Jenny slaps him on the shoulder and blushes again.

  Evelyn You know what I mean. Guts. That kinda thing …

  Jenny Right. I got it.

  Phillip (toasting) ‘To balls, long may they wave …’

  They all smile and mock-drink again.

  I’ll tell you what took some balls, the museum thing, a few weeks back, with the … balls. You guys read about that?! I mean, Adam, of course you did, you work there, but – Evelyn, you hear about it?

  Jenny (whispering) The penis …

  Evelyn (whispering) Yes, I did. Why are we whispering?

  Phillip Because you don’t say ‘penis’ in Jenny’s house. But we’re at my place now, and so we sing it from the eaves! ‘Penis!! Pe-nis!!!’

  Adam Okay, bar’s closing, last call …

  Evelyn I’m an artist, so I didn’t …

  Phillip No, seriously, do you believe that shit? Somebody with the gall to do that kinda bullshit on our campus?! That fucking burns me up …

  Adam We should probably get, umm …

  Phillip … What does that mean, anyway? ‘I’m an artist’?

  Evelyn It means nothing, really, just that I understand the impulse …

  Phillip You what?!

  Adam Evelyn, maybe we should …

  Phillip No, wait Adam, I wanna hear … What ‘impulse?’ it’s called ‘vandalism’.

  Jenny Does anyone want dessert?

  Phillip holds up a hand to hush the group. He turns back to Evelyn.

  Phillip No, hold on, this is rich. Go ahead …

  Evelyn Just that … I don’t think it was just kids playing. I think it was a sort of statement, a kind of …

  Phillip … A statement?

  Evelyn Yeah, I do …

  Jenny What kind of statement would that be? It was pornography …

  Evelyn No, it wasn’t.

  Jenny Yes, it was …

  Evelyn Pornography is meant to titillate, to excite you. Did you see a picture of what happened?

  Phillip We did, yeah …

  Evelyn Does a penis excite you? I mean, just any ol’ penis?

  Phillip You’re funny. And that’s not the point.

  Evelyn It’s totally the point … How about you, Jenny, did you like what you saw? Did it get you hot?

  Phillip This is, like, uncalled for, okay? All she said was …

  Evelyn I know what she said, why don’t you let her speak? (To Jenny.) Did you wanna say anything else? Huh? Okay, then … All I’m saying is that, in my opinion, it wasn’t pornography, it was a statement. Of course, that’s the beauty of statements, like art, they’re subjective. You and I can think completely different things and we can both be right … Unless, and this seems quite probable, you just can’t stand to lose an argument.