Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Adam It’s a life change …

  Phillip Please, don’t make me throw up with the Oprahtalk, alright? I’m trying to compliment you here …

  Adam … Thanks.

  Phillip I used to find blood on our phone, okay, so it’s not just this casual thing, quitting …

  Adam I know. I know that …

  Phillip Alright, then. (Beat.) No, you look good. I can see why she kissed you … Hell, I might even kiss you, with a few drinks in me.

  Adam (laughing) I’ll run home and hide the liquor …

  Phillip Please, I’ll help you! (Beat.) And nothing else happened, right, I mean, between you and Jenny?

  Adam stops cold. Walked right into a trap.

  Adam … What?

  Phillip I’m just asking.

  Adam Phil …

  Phillip Not really looking for a speech or anything. Just an answer. She said ‘no’, just so you don’t think I’m laying a trap here or whatever …

  Adam I don’t.

  Phillip … Nobody saw you on campus or anything. A ranger out in the woods. You know, so …

  Adam … What’s that supposed to mean?

  Phillip I’m just saying, I’ll believe you, whatever you tell me. I’ve got no witnesses. So …

  Adam Nothing happened, Phil. Truthfully.

  Phillip … That’s not what she said.

  Adam freezes but doesn’t falter.

  Adam That’s not true.

  Phillip You sure?

  Adam Yes.

  Phillip You’re right, it’s not true. Hey, a man’s gotta try …

  Adam Uh-huh …

  Phillip Not that I want out of this or anything. I love scuba-diving …

  Adam Of course. As we all do …

  Phillip Exactly. I’m just not sure I wanna share my air tank with the same person the rest of my life …

  Adam says nothing, just smiles.

  … But that’s my problem. (Beat.) I gotta get to class …

  Adam Alright. Take care.

  Phillip Sorry for the, you know, crazy shit.

  Adam It’s okay …

  Phillip … Don’t kiss my girlfriend any more, alright?

  Adam You got it.

  Phillip See you … We should do something again one of these days, all of us, I mean …

  Adam … Yeah …

  Phillip If you guys wanna. Let us know. So long, Romeo!

  Adam (pulling on a coat) Knock it off!

  Phillip starts off but stops dead. He turns back and studies Adam.

  Phillip … Where’s your jacket?

  Adam What?

  Phillip Okay, this is too much. The cord jacket, the lumberjacky-looking thing …

  Adam I dunno …

  Phillip And this, umm, Tommy Hilfiger-ish job, where’d you come up with that?

  Adam … The mall. I bought it.

  Phillip You bought some clothes? You, like, went out to the mall on your bike and actually …

  Adam No, Evelyn drove me. So? What’s the big …?

  Phillip The deal is this … You’ve had that frumpylooking fucker for three years, probably more, and I’ve never seen you out of it. Ever. Winter, the dead of summer, whatever, you’ve got that coat on. And now you’re just like, ‘Hey, whatever. (Yawns.) Yeah, I bought the ol’ stars and stripes here with Evelyn.’ That’s like a sailing slicker!

  Adam It’s their yachtsman line …

  Phillip I am gonna puke here, I swear to God! I did not just hear you use the word ‘yachtsman’ …

  Adam Hey, she likes it …

  Phillip Well, isn’t that just neat? And peachy keen and whatever other Little House on the Prairie shit you wanna spout … What I wanna know is, do you like it?

  Adam … It’s okay.

  Phillip Not what I said. I asked, ‘Do-you-like-it?’

  Adam It’s fine. It’s a coat …

  Phillip And lemme ask you … Did you keep the cord job or did she make you toss it?

  Adam … Who cares? This is … I threw it out, okay? Goodwill, actually.

  Phillip ‘Goodwill, actually.’

  Adam It’s really no big deal …

  Phillip Dude, don’t just say ‘no big deal’. I begged you to throw out the farm coat our freshman year, I mean, you’ve lost both of us a lot of dates with that thing on! You’ve had it since, like, birth, okay, so do me a little favour and let’s not pretend that the jacket and the, ahh, weight and the Jon Bon Jovi hair are no big deal. Because when it comes to routine, you used to be like Mister goddamn Rogers!

  Adam Phil, it’s a fucking jacket, so just lay off. Go to class …

  Phillip Uh-huh. Fine …

  Adam Fine.

  Phillip I just hope next time we pass each other I recognise who the hell you are …

  Adam Well, if not, you and Evelyn can always head over to Record City and have a chat …

  Phillip Hey, I wouldn’t get too deep into the moral issues during this particular conversation … Okay, Romeo? I may have a big fucking mouth, but at least I keep it to myself …

  They stare at each other, a nearly visible wall going up between them. Adam blinks first and walks off. Phillip watches him go.

  So long, matey!

  A COFFEE SHOP

  Evelyn stands with Jenny at a high table, sipping hot drinks.

  Evelyn … And you, everything’s good?

  Jenny Yeah, you know. Okay.

  Evelyn Huh. Well, that’s nice to hear …

  Jenny You?

  Evelyn Oh, you know, pretty great. Just studying, working on my art …

  Jenny Right, you’ve got a big thing you’re doing, or … what do you call it?

  Evelyn Thesis project. For my degree …

  Jenny That’s terrific.

  Evelyn Yeah. The showing’s in a couple weeks …

  Jenny And it’s going well? What is it again?

  Evelyn I never said …

  Jenny Oh, well, that’s why.

  Evelyn Right. (Beat.) It’s this sculpture thingie …

  Jenny Nice. Mmm, I love the arts.

  Evelyn Really?

  Jenny Yeah, you know, going to movies and stuff. We don’t get so many here, we have to drive into the city for any of the newer releases, but I see a lot of videos. Phil watches ’em constantly.

  Evelyn Yeah, and what kind does he like?

  Jenny Oh, a bunch, but more artsy ones than I do … Aliens. Blade Runner. Twelve Monkeys. Is that right, or were there ten of ’em?

  Evelyn No, it was twelve … A dozen monkeys, I think, all together.

  Jenny Anyway, that kind. Sci-fi, but with some meaning, too. And action.

  Evelyn Huh. That’s great … I hate sci-fi. (Beat.) And you? What kind do you like, Jenny?

  Jenny Umm, any, I don’t mind … But I usually like at least some romance in them. That’s always nice.

  Evelyn studies her for a moment.

  Evelyn Yes … Romance’s good. Especially when you least expect it.

  Jenny Uh-huh …

  Jenny looks over, sees that Evelyn is watching her, looks away quickly.

  … You know, I was gonna say, I think what you’ve done with Adam, it’s really great.

  Evelyn And what’ve I done?

  Jenny You know, just … He’s changed.

  Evelyn That’s right. He’s changed.

  Jenny That’s what I mean.

  Evelyn He’s done the work …

  Jenny Of course, I didn’t mean that you …

  Evelyn I know. I’m just saying, he did it.

  Jenny Right. That’s always what they say, though, isn’t it?

  Evelyn What? And who are they?

  Jenny You know, like in Cosmo, when they have those tests, asking what you’d like to change about your guy …

  Evelyn Ahhh. Now you’re gonna get all scientific on me …

  Jenny It’s true, though, right? Almost everybody I’ve gone out with, if you could alter just one thing, or even get them to stop wearing sungl
asses up on their head all the time … Then they’d be perfect. It’s that sort of deal, isn’t it?

  Evelyn Something like that … Or it could just be that I care about him.

  Jenny Phil’s got, like, six of those ‘one things’, but it’s the same idea …

  Evelyn Right. And how is ol’ Phil?

  Jenny He’s … Phil. Six ‘things’ away from being amazing …

  Adam arrives at the table, obviously unprepared to find both women waiting for him. He wears no bandage.

  Adam … Hey, Evelyn. Hi. Jenny, hello.

  Evelyn / Jenny Hi, Adam. Hello.

  Adam I didn’t know you guys were …

  Evelyn I invited her.

  Adam That’s alright, then …

  Jenny I like your new jacket! Phil told me about it …

  Adam Oh, right. Yeah. It’s … new.

  Jenny And your nose! God, you okay?

  Adam Yep. Course … It was nothing.

  Jenny Falling down’s not nothing. (Studies him.) Looks okay, though …

  An uncomfortable pause. Evelyn looks over at Adam, who clears his throat.

  Evelyn You fell?

  Adam … Yeah. Anyway …

  Evelyn Anyway, pull up some floor … We got you a cocoa.

  He moves warily to them, squeezing in next to Evelyn.

  Adam Thanks. (To Evelyn.) You don’t drink coffee …

  Evelyn It’s not. It’s decaf …

  Adam That’s still coffee.

  Evelyn Good point. So I drink coffee, then, I just don’t like the caffeine …

  Jenny Me either.

  Evelyn Really? You don’t like caffeine either, Jenny? Did you know that, too, Adam, that Jenny doesn’t like caffeine?

  Adam No. I didn’t know that …

  Evelyn See? There’s lots you don’t know …

  They all sip their drinks silently for a moment.

  Jenny was just saying that she thinks you’re great … I mean, doing great things with yourself.

  Adam Yeah? Thanks, Jenny …

  Jenny You’re welcome. I just …

  Evelyn She thinks you’re just about perfect now, don’t you, Jen?

  Jenny I didn’t say that.

  Evelyn So, he’s not perfect, then? Obviously his motor control’s a bit off, if he fell, but …

  Jenny I said that you guys are …

  Adam Forget about it.

  Evelyn It’s true, I’m exaggerating. She said, and I paraphrase, ‘He’s changed.’ but she implied for the better …

  Adam Well, I agree. I have. And again, thank you.

  Jenny Welcome …

  Evelyn I think you’ve changed, too, Adam. A lot.

  Adam Yeah? How’s that?

  Evelyn Well, I mean, it’s obvious, all the minor things are pretty obvious, but in subtler ways as well … You’ve gotten cuter. And stronger. More confident. And craftier …

  Adam ‘Craftier’, huh?

  Evelyn Apparently so … That spill you took must’ve done it.

  Jenny I’m sorry, am I missing something?

  Adam I’m not sure … (To Evelyn.) Evelyn, what’s up?

  Evelyn Nothing. Not a thing …

  Jenny I mean, you knew about him hurting himself, didn’t you? (To Adam.) Phil said you had a big bandage on, so I just figured …

  Evelyn No, Jenny, I saw it. I’m kidding …

  Jenny Ahh. I couldn’t tell …

  Evelyn Sometimes it’s hard to read me. Know when I’m joking …

  Adam Very hard.

  Evelyn It is. But I am … Joking, I mean. Adam took a bad fall and smashed his nose, but he’s okay now … See?

  She grabs Adam’s face and holds it out for Jenny to look. Adam pulls away, a bit too quickly.

  … It healed well, don’t you think?

  Jenny Yes.

  Adam Do you guys wanna salad or something? I’m hungry …

  Evelyn I’m fine. Jenny … Hungry?

  Jenny I’m okay. (To Adam.) Your nose looks … How much weight have you lost?

  Adam Not that much, really.

  Evelyn Twenty-one pounds. (To Adam.) I peeked, is that alright?

  He glares at her; Jenny tries to keep up.

  Jenny ‘Peeked’?

  Evelyn His journal … A record of his progress that he’s keeping. Twenty-one pounds as of –

  Adam – last Friday. Yeah.

  Jenny Really? That’s so cool …

  Evelyn Cosmo story in the making, huh?

  Jenny Yep.

  Adam It’s good, yeah, I’ve been keeping at it …

  Evelyn She knows, Adam, she already said you’ve ‘changed’. And I already agreed. We’re past that …

  Adam Okay, I’m, like, totally lost here …

  Evelyn You’re mentioned in there, too, Jenny.

  Jenny Where?

  Evelyn Adam’s journal. I mean, it’s a veiled entry but I think it’s you …

  Adam Evelyn …

  Evelyn I peeked twice. (To Jenny.) You’re right next to someone known as ‘cute waitress’.

  Jenny (cautiously) … Why’s that? I mean … Adam?

  Adam You’re not. It’s … She’s …

  Evelyn Something about a meeting … And a drive after, in your cute little V-Dub …

  Adam What’re you saying?! Jenny, there’s not any …

  Jenny picks up her purse and smiles thinly.

  Jenny You know what? It’s pretty late, I should get …

  Adam No, don’t go … (To Evelyn.) Why are you doing this?

  Evelyn I’m just having coffee. Decaf.

  Jenny I need to go.

  Evelyn I just wanna talk about the kiss. Why can’t we do that?

  The moment hangs. Jenny stops short.

  We should just put it out there … I’m very open, and I just feel that …

  Adam This is inappropriate, okay?

  Jenny (to Adam) Did you tell her about the …?

  Evelyn No, no, he didn’t … Phillip did. Days ago. We met and he told me all about it, Jenny. What you told him, anyway. The rest I got from loverboy’s diary …

  Jenny … Adam?

  Adam She’s making that up … She’s …

  Evelyn Am I?

  Adam Yes!

  Evelyn Then set the record straight …

  Adam I don’t wanna do this right now.

  Evelyn Seems a touch late for that.

  Jenny (to Evelyn) Phillip told you about our talk? When? (Beat.) What else did he tell you?

  Evelyn Lots of things … He’s a very chatty guy, when you wind him up.

  Jenny … I can’t believe it …

  Evelyn Then you’re never gonna believe the rest of this …

  Adam Evelyn, let’s just drop it, okay? If you’re angry with me, alright, but this is not …

  Evelyn We’re just talking. People need to share more, that’s how this stuff happens, this covert stuff, because we hide it …

  Jenny Fine … You want to … Go ahead. Adam wrote something in his journal, obviously, and I told Phil about …

  Adam Jenny, I didn’t …

  Jenny What do you wanna hear? We kissed.

  Evelyn No, I knew that … I’m sorry, I’ve confused you. I meant about my kiss. With Phillip. That’s the part I wanted to talk about with you guys … I didn’t make that clear?

  Jenny … What?

  Adam That’s bullshit …

  Evelyn No, that’s getting even. (Beat.) Unless you guys have something else to tell me about. Meaning, ‘the drive’ …

  Adam We didn’t go on any …

  Jenny That’s not true. You didn’t meet Phil …

  Evelyn Ask him.

  Jenny … Or he would’ve told me … He …

  Evelyn Apparently not.

  Jenny … I’m going. I’m going now, ’Kay?

  Evelyn Fine, then we’ll just let that one hang for a bit … The woods, I mean.

  Jenny I’ll … see you. Adam, I’m …

  Evelyn (calling
to her) You guys are still coming to my showing, right? Phillip said you would!

  She is gone. Adam takes a careful sip before speaking. He turns to Evelyn, about to speak, when Jenny returns.

  Jenny (directly at Evelyn) Hey … Look, I don’t know why I’m here, I guess I came back to say ‘I’m sorry’. Sorry if I’ve offended you in some way, or done something to make you so indifferent to me, cold or whatever. And I don’t mean what’s happened, I don’t, because I think you’ve been this way the whole time I’ve known you. So … Sorry I’m not an artsy person or cool enough or, you know, I’m not super-smart, sorry about that. But as far as just being a person, like, an average-type person … I’m pretty okay. I am. (Beat.) That kinda came out bad, I mean, dumb, so I’m just gonna … Yeah.

  She wanders off.

  Adam … Okay, that was horrible.

  Evelyn Oh, I dunno … I could’ve told her about the blow job I gave him. (Beat.) Kidding …

  Adam No, listen, what you did was shitty, and awful and just plain wrong …

  Evelyn As opposed to you two sneaking off and making out? Where would that fall on the ‘bad behaviour’ list …?

  Adam You had no right to do that.

  Evelyn True.

  Adam Make her feel that way …

  Evelyn She’s got a boyfriend who’s shit. Now she knows. Hell, she already knew …

  Adam It was still wrong to treat her like that! And me.

  Evelyn Yeah, let’s talk about you …

  Adam Go ahead. You seem raring to go.

  Evelyn You wanna tell me about the rest of your date, or should I …?

  Adam She called me, okay, asked if I could get together and talk, you know, about Phil. And them.

  Evelyn And then you made out. Most natural thing in the world …

  Adam It just happened. Look, I was going to say something …

  Evelyn That was Hitler’s excuse. Try another one …

  Adam It was a mistake! Okay? I know that …

  Evelyn And how big was that mistake? (Beat.) I don’t care about what happened. I don’t. I just want the truth … I told you about what I did – you think I wanted to kiss that guy? – I only did it for the effect. But I’m asking you … What else went on? I deserve to know.

  Adam … Nothing.

  Evelyn You’re sticking with that?

  Adam Yes.

  Evelyn Even if I tell you I know something else went on.

  Adam How could you? It didn’t … And I did not put any ‘drive’ in my journal. That was a lie.

  Evelyn No, it was a bluff. Because I could sense it … (Beat.) And the waitress was there …