Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Tom Because … I’m needy and shallow. (Smiles.) Hell, I dunno! Because we all started out here together and it’s, you know, it’s easier to go along sometimes, to just hang out and not make, like, some big tsunami or that kinda thing. I know it’s dumb, but … he’s funny. He doesn’t bug me that much.

  Jeannie Obviously.

  Tom Jeannie, come on, don’t be … He’s just playing around.

  Jeannie So, nobody then?

  Tom I didn’t … because … I’m not saying that I’m … What?

  Jeannie Don’t do your circles thing, OK? Do not do that …

  Tom What’re you even …?

  Jeannie Talking around shit, that’s what I’m saying. I hate that! Are–you–dating–someone?

  Tom No. Kind of. Hell, I dunno! I’m … It’s not some big thing.

  Jeannie I see.

  Tom Look, we agreed that we should be able to … I’m not doing anything, like, wrong.

  Jeannie But you’re pretty defensive about it.

  Tom Yeah, because … because you get all … You know how you are.

  Jeannie I’m not anything. Except confused. By a guy who tells me that he’s interested in me. ‘Very’, in fact, was the word he used. ‘I am very interested in you.’ And we date and then we stop and then he sends me stuff, like flowers and letters and keeps calling and wants to do it again, to try one more time, he tells me … But then we do not go out. We see each other at work but he keeps putting off the next date because of … God, I couldn’t begin to list all of the excuses because it’s Monday afternoon and I would probably be here, like, through the weekend. But now I hear he’s met someone, a someone that he has managed – even with his many work obligations and boys’ nights out and all his other related juvenile crap – he has somehow squeezed yet another person on to his social calendar.

  Jeannie edges a bit closer to Tom now. Tom steps back.

  Tom … See? This is what I was talking about.

  Jeannie No, this is what I’m talking about right now! The bullshit you do to me and expect me to keep crawling back in here and taking it.

  Tom … I don’t … want you to …

  Jeannie Oh, so now you don’t want me here? Is that it? Go ahead, then, say it. Go on. Say it.

  Tom No, Jeannie, Jesus, can we just … I’d like to talk about this, but not in public. Alright? (Off Jeannie’s look.) I mean, can we … maybe …

  Jeannie You can ‘maybe’ kiss my ass, Tom, and that’s a definite maybe. You can pencil that one in your planner right now, OK?

  Jeannie turns abruptly and walks out. Before Tom can even react she is back. Standing in the doorway.

  Tom Jeannie, please. Let’s …

  Jeannie I can’t wait to meet her. Really, I can’t. (Holds out file.) Here. I forgot to give you this …

  Tom moves apprehensively toward the door. Jeannie drops the file on to the floor and stalks off.

  A SURPRISING NIGHT OUT TOGETHER

  Tom and Helen sitting at a table in a cosy restaurant. A meal spread out before them. Tom is chowing down on exotic cuisine; Helen is a bit more hesitant.

  Tom … Go on, jump in there! (Prompts her.) Be brave.

  Helen You’re absolutely sure it’s dead, right? Because if it’s just holding its breath, then I’m …

  Tom Yeah! (Laughs.) Definitely …

  Helen OK. (Looks again.) Positive?

  Tom Well, I wasn’t back there watching ’em fix it but, yeah, in theory.

  Helen I mean, I’m pretty adventurous, but, you know …

  Tom No, I’m the same way. It’s … I’m not big on swallowing anything I saw on Discovery Channel either, believe me … (Smiles.) It’s good. Promise.

  Helen smiles and nods, gobbles something down with her eyes closed. Happy with the results. Tom smiles as he eats something, too. Lets a moment of silence hang.

  … Can I ask you something?

  Helen No. I’m kidding. Sure, what?

  Tom I meant to ask you this the other night … I mean, when we went to that martini bar … (Beat.) You love war movies?

  Helen smiles over at him and nods. Says nothing else.

  Okay, first obvious question. Why?

  Helen Just because.

  Tom Not fair! That’s not an answer …

  Helen Yes, it is.

  Tom But not a good one. One that tells me anything about you …

  Helen Ohh, I see. You’re gonna dig deep now, is that it?

  Tom Something like that … little Freud action.

  Helen Oh, Freud, huh?

  Tom I figured you read his biography.

  Helen Yes, I have. (Beat.) I like war movies because of all the big … long gun barrels.

  This makes Tom laugh and he reaches out for Helen’s hand. He grabs it and squeezes, holding on to it. She notices.

  Tom Come on! Seriously …

  Helen OK, OK … I’m … (Beat.) You have my hand there, you know.

  Tom Yeah, I … Is that not …?

  Helen It’s fine. Just wanted to ask and see if it was an accident or not.

  Tom Umm … no. It wasn’t, no. But … now you’re making me self-conscious.

  He looks around the restaurant. Helen notices this too.

  I want to … hold it, I mean, if that’s OK.

  Helen Of course.

  Tom Good.

  They sit and stare at one another for a moment. Silence.

  Helen I would like to have a bit more of my tuna later … but I can wait.

  Tom Sorry! Shit …

  Helen I’m kidding you.

  Tom looks at her, then pulls away. Embarrassed. He points at her food.

  Tom No, you should … that’s fine. We can do that after, or walking back to the car or something. We should eat. Yes.

  Helen Tom … I really was joking.

  Tom I know, but … (He eats.) I’m ready for some of mine, too.

  They both take a bite or two, laughing across the table.

  So, seriously … what’s the deal on the war flicks? You know way too many of those things to’ve just been reading the TV Guide or that kind of thing …

  Helen Please, I’m a professional.

  Tom Oh, yeah? Prove it.

  Helen Let’s see if you can keep up. Von Ryan’s … Come on, little quiz … Von Ryan’s …

  Tom … Train … no, wait … Express!

  Helen Lonely are the …

  Tom Brave.

  Helen Porkchop …

  Tom … Hill.

  Helen Kelly’s …

  Tom … Heroes.

  Helen Aces …

  Tom … High.

  Helen Alright, a little bonus round here. Heaven Knows, Mr …

  Tom Magoo!

  Helen No, Allison.

  Tom Jesus … and most of those are obscure, too!

  Helen I know. (Beat.) I work in Audio/Visual.

  Tom Well, you’re very … Except that one.

  Helen Which?

  Tom Lonely are the Brave.

  Helen It’s a … what?

  Tom A western. Sort of. With Kirk Douglas.

  Helen Oh, right, no, I mean … is it?

  Tom Yeah. You know, with him on the horse and he’s being chased by, like, guys in helicopters and stuff? It’s that one. It’s really good, but, yeah. Western.

  Helen Huh. (Considers.) Oh, right, right, yes, I’ve seen it, black and white right? But I’m getting the name confused. I meant None But the Brave. The Frank Sinatra one. On that atoll in the Pacific …

  Tom You’re … nobody’s seen that one! Alright, this is now, like, an officially quirky side of you. (Grins.) ‘Atoll’?

  Helen Hey, I’m a librarian …

  Tom Uh-uh. ‘Printed word specialist.’

  Helen Right! (Laughs.) Anyway, I grew up with ’em, that’s all. I have three brothers, plus my dad. They were on all the time, and so I watched a lot of them, or parts of ’em, anyway. All growing up.

  Tom Yeah, me too. I mean, that same scenario. What is it a
bout fathers and those movies? (Beat.) He also directed that one, too.

  Helen Your father?

  Tom No … Sinatra! You’re funny.

  Helen Thanks.

  Tom I mean, jolly.

  They both laugh again. Really enjoying each other now.

  But, seriously, I wonder. Why?

  Helen Well … most of them either fought in wars or wanted to, or had some relative who did or whatever. Or they just like watching other guys get shot, that could be it, too.

  Tom Probably right!

  Helen I’m not joking. I think guys today feel left out, like, guilty about not having to kill things, provide food. All that ‘Early Man’ stuff. (Beat.) But for me … I just enjoyed being around my family. Sitting on the couch, big bowl of popcorn. It felt good.

  Tom Right …

  Helen And it saved me the embarrassment of waiting around for boys to call me up.

  Tom What do you mean?

  Helen Ummm, you probably couldn’t guess, but I didn’t date a lot when I was in school.

  Tom Oh.

  Helen (whispers) … I used to be a little heavy.

  Helen chuckles. Tom joins in half-heartedly, then stops.

  Tom Huh. (Beat.) And is that … is it alright to talk about … I dunno, your weight and everything, or should I …?

  Helen No, go ahead. It’s not a shame thing for me. Not any more.

  Tom ‘Any more’?

  Helen Well … it’s all shame when you’re younger, isn’t it? You hate how you look or sound or, you know, all that stuff that we go through. As kids. But I’m pretty alright with who I am now. The trick is getting other people to be OK with it!

  Tom Right. And, so … have you always been, like … you know?

  Helen No. What?

  Tom Umm, big … boned, or whatever.

  Helen laughs out loud at this one. Another beauty, which makes Tom giggle along. She takes his hand this time.

  Helen That was kind of precious. One of my favourites, actually …

  Tom What?

  Helen ‘Big-boned.’ My dad used to throw that one around, too.

  Tom Well … I’m just trying to be …

  Helen Don’t. Not for me. I just want you to be truthful, OK? Seriously.

  Tom Alright.

  Helen However things end up here – and I have high hopes, but – (Smiles.) I want you to be honest with me.

  Tom … I can do that. Promise.

  Helen Good. Great. Fair enough.

  Tom So, then, ummm … I don’t know what to say here exactly, but … (Beat.) Helen, I like your body … what I imagine your body to be. It’s …

  Helen Tom, it’s OK … I’m not worried about it. I mean, you would not be here next to me, if you didn’t want to be. Right?

  Tom Sure. Yes.

  Helen So, then … I’m good. Secure about it. Truthfully. I know that you’re here because you like me. A little bit, anyway.

  Tom That’s true. I do, yes. Like you.

  Helen Then good … (Smiles.) So, why don’t we finish up our seafood … (Thinks.) stuff. What’s this called again?

  Tom Ahh … you got the, umm, ‘Yellowfin Tartare’ and I got their, I don’t remember now. ‘Spicy Kimchi’, maybe? With crab …

  Helen Yeah, that was it.

  She smiles and touches his hand again, then goes back to eating. Tom watches her as she takes a few more bites.

  Tom How’s your meal? OK?

  Helen Delicious, actually. Little bit of ginger and scallions, I like it …

  Tom Good. (Beat.) You know, the yellow fin is traditionally the ‘biggest boned’ of the tuna family …

  Helen Oh really? (Giggles.) Tell me more.

  Tom Seriously – with a hearty, heavy flavour …

  Helen and Tom laugh together, their heads coming in close contact. Suddenly, Helen notices that Tom is now staring off, behind her. She swings around and spots Carter, a drink in one hand. Tom awkwardly stands up.

  Hey …

  Carter Well, hello there.

  Tom Carter, this is … Helen, I’d like you to meet my … this is Carter, who works with us. I mean, me.

  Helen smiles and holds a hand up. Carter takes it and shakes it. Looks around.

  Carter Where’s the rest of ’em? Late?

  An uncomfortable moment hangs in the air. Helen begins to stand.

  Helen I’m going to use the little girl’s room. Even though I hate the term.

  Tom Right! (Tries to laugh.) Me, too.

  Carter Well, it’s better than ‘shitter’.

  Helen Very true. (Beat.) Great to meet you, Carter.

  Carter Yeah, you too.

  She walks off and Carter watches her go – all the way off. He then turns to Tom and gestures.

  … I hope it’s twins. (Smiles.) Bet you’re glad you promised to play basketball tonight, huh?

  Tom … Uh-huh.

  Carter What the hell is that?

  Tom I just told you. Her name’s Helen and she’s … you know …

  Carter And how come the others aren’t here?

  Tom Because we’re … I mean …

  Carter reaches over and pokes at Tom’s sweater. Giggles.

  Carter Jesus … nice sweater there, bub. You join the PGA or something?

  Tom Very funny! I’m not …

  Carter … They didn’t just send her, did they? Not that she couldn’t eat for five …

  Tom Carter, don’t say stuff like that. It’s not nice.

  Carter I know that. I wasn’t being nice. That was me being honest.

  Tom Seriously, though …

  Carter Hey, she’s not here, OK, so can you ease up on the knights-of-the-round-table shit? She’s off to the bathroom … (Beat.) With a basket of dinner rolls hidden under her skirt, if I’m not mistaken …

  Tom Can you please …? Jesus.

  Carter OK, alright! God, you are really just not fun at all when you’re out with a woman, you know that? Even some beast from work …

  Tom She’s not … just leave her alone.

  Carter Fine. (Beat.) You gonna be there by nine? Howard’s gotta hit the road by eleven-thirty …

  Tom Yes, you know that … Yes. (Looking around.) Why are you here?

  Carter I told you I was coming by.

  Tom Yeah, but how’d you know where …?

  Carter Because you always come here! But Tom? This place is kinda out-of-the-loop, I hate to tell you. By, like, ahh, three years.

  Tom Yeah, well, I like it. (Beat.) So, can I just finish up and … Do you mind?

  Carter No, whatever. Just checking on ya.

  Tom Fine.

  Carter Thought I might catch you with … you know. Her.

  Tom You really are an ass …

  Carter Pretty much. But, surprisingly, it doesn’t give me a big head …

  Tom Will you just please go?! Come on.

  Carter Fine, fine. See you at nine.

  Tom Yeah. See you.

  Carter takes another gulp from his drink, then stops. He starts off but leans in close to Tom.

  Carter Dude … I so wish I would’ve caught you with her! Damn it. Anyway …

  At that moment, Helen returns and stands next to Carter. He pulls out her chair and seats her.

  Helen Thank you …

  Carter Pleasure. (To Helen.) And don’t let this cheapskate stiff you on the dessert! They’ve got a hell of a green tea ice cream here …

  Helen … Good to know …

  Tom See you later, Carter.

  Helen Goodbye. Nice to meet you.

  Carter You too, umm … what was it again?

  Helen ‘Helen’.

  Carter Right. (Over his shoulder.) And say ‘hello’ to the Windy City for me!

  Carter is gone. Tom watches him go and then turns back to Helen. Tries to smile.

  Helen What does that mean?

  Tom He’s … you know, he’s a …

  Helen Why would he think I’m from Chicago?

  Tom He doesn’t.
No. That was for me. To me. I’m … going there for work.

  Helen You are?

  Tom For, like, yeah. Just a day or two next week. Business.

  Helen Oh. I see … Really?

  Tom Yep. I was gonna tell you, but then we got to talking, is all.

  Helen Right. (Beat.) He seems OK. Nice. And he works with you?

  Tom Uh-huh. Down the hall. I mean, not with me, but … I see him around. (Beat.) He’s not going to Chicago. Just me.

  Helen Got it. (Beat.) Did I mention my second interview that I got? It’s for that … I did, didn’t I? Yeah.

  They both return to eating their meals. Silence. A long one, in fact. Finally, Tom stops and looks at Helen.

  Tom I know that you know. I mean, I can tell. That you do. I made a … he thinks that this is, like, a business dinner and I didn’t say anything.

  Helen OK.

  Tom No, its not OK. So, I want you to know that I’m sorry. I am. He really just surprised me and I got all …

  Helen I understand

  Tom I did wanna say something but I’m, I … I didn’t.

  Helen At least you’re honest.

  Tom -ish.

  Helen It’s OK. It’s something to work on then, right?

  Tom … Yeah. That’s true.

  Helen reaches over and gives Tom a kiss on the mouth. He responds and the moment grows in intensity.

  ON THE TRAIL AND OUT TO LUNCH

  Jeannie is in Tom’s office and rummaging through his desk drawers. Looking for something. She finds an address book and leafs through it. Stops on a scribbled phone number.

  She glances over her shoulder then uses the office phone to call. Waits.

  Jeannie Ah-ha! (She dials.) Hello? Hello?! Who’s … Oh. Ticketmaster? I’m sorry, wrong number. (To herself.) Stupid …

  She goes through a few more pages. Finds another number and tries this one, too.

  Yes, hello? Who’s this? What? I don’t have to tell you who this is … I called you. Who is this?! Are you some – Susan who? Sullivan? (Covers receiver with a hand.) Shit! (To receiver.) Sorry, no, I had another call coming in … you’re not related to ‘Tom Sullivan’, are you? Oh, his mother. Nice! Well, that’s related. Absolutely! Great, good, I was, umm, hoping I might catch you – who? Oh, this is, ahhh, I’m a Susan, too. Isn’t that a funny … Yeah. Same name, I mean, what’re the chances, right? So, anyway, Tom and I work … out together – He does, yes, all the time – so some of us we’re hoping we could get you to, ahhh, well, come to a little surprise birthday party for him that’re we’re planning. Yep. Excuse me? Oh, yeah, no, I realise it’s not for … how long? Seven months. Sure. September, right? Oh. October. No, you’re right … that’s seven. I wasn’t counting. I mean, I was but not correctly. Yes. I get it now – but that’s why I called. We want to make sure we get a really good jump on it so that it’s special. After all, this is a big year, right? Want it to be pretty exciting … ol’ number … which? Right. Thirty-four. Well, that’s kinda special. Just one more to thirty-five, after all! (Beat.) Anyway, I’ll get back in touch with you again, say, around Labor Day … Yeah, and we’ll make sure you get a good seat at our … big event. Good! Look forward to meeting you. What? Oh, my name is Susan … Eglasias. Yes, just like the singer. Uh-huh. Yes. It is different, isn’t it? I get that a lot. Great, well, I’ll be looking for you, too, and please, don’t say anything to Tom. No, it’s going to be a big … big surprise, so … yes. We might even have a clown. Or magic! Not sure yet but it’s gonna be terrific. I’m sorry? Tom likes ponies? Oh, when he was a boy. Nice! OK, I’ll remember that …