Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Tom Ha! No, that’s, it’s just an office, anyhow. No biggie. (Points.) See? My desk, a chair. And there? My stapler. Now you’ve pretty much seen it all …

  Helen ’Kay. Maybe the rest some other time.

  Tom Sure. You can come by and we’ll … That’s a good idea, meet some of my … Yeah.

  A silent beat where Helen looks around the office, taking it all in. Tom watches her and the door in equal measure.

  Helen I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to a banana split if you twist my arm … or even if you don’t.

  Tom Great! Come on, we can … Sounds fun!

  He quickly helps her gather her things and they go out into the hall. In a minute he’s back – calls out to her:

  No, go ahead, sure! Grab that elevator! I just need to make a quick call and then I’ll … Yes. See you in the lobby! Great!

  He smiles until she’s gone. After he steps back inside his office he starts to breathe heavily. Looks around, then quickly dials the phone.

  Hey, yeah, this is Tom … How’re you? I’m good. Would you tell ’em I’m gonna be a little late for the 1:30 meeting. I know! Just make something up for me and I’ll … I will hurry … yep. OK, thank you. (Hangs up.) … Shit.

  He grabs his jacket off his chair, checks his watch and finally goes out.

  Carter just misses him. Walks in and looks around. Looks surprised that the place is empty. He starts to turn as Jeannie appears behind him.

  Jeannie Boo!

  Carter Ahh!! (Jumps.) Fuck! Stop doing that!

  Jeannie Where’s – The hell did he go now?

  Carter I dunno.

  Jeannie Great …

  Carter Yeah. Great.

  Jeannie What is it with that guy?! Damnit.

  Carter He’s complex, you know? (Off her look.) I’m just saying …

  Jeannie Whatever.

  They stand there, looking at each other. After a moment, Carter moves closer – starts to make a move to kiss her.

  Carter So Jeannie, maybe we should … continue our little …

  She puts her hand in his face and pushes him away.

  Jeannie Fat chance, dumbshit.

  She exits with a turn of her high heels. Carter looks after her – when she’s gone, he bravely calls out:

  Carter YOU WISH!

  He yawns and plops down on the couch. Grabs up a magazine and lays back to read. Notices the pillow under his head. Picks it up. Sniffs at it. Perfume. It seems familiar.

  Carter ponders this for a moment. Lost in thought.

  Act Two

  THE WORK FRIENDS FIGURE IT OUT

  Tom at his desk, working. Carter sprawled on a couch and reading a magazine. He holds up a photo for Tom to look at. They both smile.

  After a moment, Jeannie appears in the doorway. Silently staring over at Tom.

  Carter Hey, Jeannie. What’s up?

  Jeannie Hi. (To Carter.) Gee, you’re in here and not working. That comes as quite a shock …

  Carter You so dig me.

  Jeannie Oh God. Tom?

  She is done with Carter and turns to Tom. Stares.

  Tom What? Good morning, by the way …

  Jeannie Good morning. How’s things?

  Tom You know. Okay.

  Jeannie I’ll bet. I will just bet. (Beat.) Carter, can you give us a minute?

  Carter Not if this is gonna get good … (To Tom.) Do you want me to go?

  Jeannie Please …

  Tom I don’t … I’m not afraid of us talking in front of him. He’ll find out, anyway.

  Carter Exactly! I promise not to say a word.

  Jeannie Yeah, just print a story in the newsletter …

  Carter Well, I gotta get it out somehow.

  He laughs but no one joins in. He sputters out and sits back.

  Jeannie Fine. Whatever.

  Tom Seriously … Jeannie, if you wanna say something to me, go ahead. (He stands up.) That’s fine.

  Jeannie Then why’re you standing?

  Tom What? Oh, you know, just … I felt like stretching.

  Carter laughs. Jeannie glances over at him – he smiles and mimes zipping his mouth shut. She turns back to Tom.

  Jeannie You know I’m in Accounting, right? You do know that.

  Tom Of course.

  Jeannie So anything you turn in is going to come past me, I mean, over my desk. True?

  Tom I guess …

  Jeannie No, you know it. I know that you know because I’ve had you come in there, to my office, looking for stuff before. (To Carter.) Quit looking at my ass. An old receipt or some stack of files. I mean, it’s how we first got to be …

  Tom No, you’re right. That’s true …

  Jeannie We met that way so I’m sure you realise just how these things go. The course they take. You turn in your expense reports, attach the receipts and write in the little explanations and we do the rest. You know all this.

  Tom Yeah, Jeannie, I get it. I mean, I know how to do that. So …?

  Jeannie … I waited for your big Chicago dinner to come through, just so I could see. I heard Carter joking around about it and so I wanted to, you know, check out who you were with. (Beat.) But nothing has been turned in yet. Why’s that? Because you’ve always been – how can I put this? – pretty damn anal about it before.

  Tom doesn’t say anything, glancing over at Carter.

  Carter … One quick interjection? It was just an off-handed comment, that’s all.

  Jeannie Just shut up, OK?

  Carter I’m done.

  Jeannie (turns) So … Tom? What’s up?

  Tom Nothing. Jesus, I mean …

  Jeannie I’m just curious. But it’s also my business, so, you know …

  Tom What, to, like, stalk me?

  Jeannie Please, you wish … to keep up on how people are utilising their expense accounts, shit like that.

  Tom So, what? You’re busting me for not asking to be reimbursed?

  Jeannie No … I’m keeping things straight. Alright? It’s my job.

  Tom Yeah, but I bet you’re not … you know, down at everybody’s office, going through all their …

  Jeannie Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. I stay here late almost every night, digging through mountains of crap that you guys spend out there on the road and in restaurants and at your little luxury hotels, so it’s not just you. Alright? Please do not flatter yourself …

  Tom Whatever.

  Jeannie Yeah, ‘whatever’. That’s exactly what I’m asking. ‘Hey, “whatever” happened to that Chicago dinner that Tom supposedly went on?’

  She finishes and waits. Carter sits up, interested.

  Tom I … I guess I must’ve forgot.

  Jeannie To what?

  Tom To turn in the report! God. My receipts and stuff. I’ll … I can staple it to next month’s, right?

  Jeannie You could. Or I can take it from you now, if you want.

  Tom No, I’m … I’ve got it all back at my apartment, so … later’s fine.

  Jeannie It was a business dinner, right? With the guys from Chicago.

  Tom … Yes.

  Carter It’s what he told me.

  Tom Carter.

  Carter (holds up a hand) Sorry …

  Tom I mean, not with the ‘guys’, per se, but this woman. One woman who came in from … yeah. A woman.

  Carter ‘Helen’, I believe. (Looks at Tom.) What? I’m just being helpful …

  Tom Yeah, thanks. (To Jeannie.) She was in town and we sat down and had a meal and talked over the, I mean, some of the … accounts from there. Like AmTel and … others.

  Jeannie I see. Fine.

  Tom Alright? Can we put the hot tongs away now, or was there some more stuff that you wanted to …?

  He tries to laugh and Carter joins in. Jeannie stares.

  Jeannie Carter, can you please leave us alone for a second? Please.

  Carter Tom?

  Tom No, Jeannie, shit … this is my office and he can … What is up with you?!

 
Jeannie God, fine. Whatever you want … you scared or something?

  Tom Umm … maybe. Yeah. I wouldn’t exactly want you handling a butcher knife right now or anything …

  Carter laughs again, which makes Tom giggle a bit.

  Jeannie Chicago doesn’t have a record of anybody coming here last month. No one. No employee – man, woman. Fat chick. Nothing. I verified.

  Tom … You called Chicago?

  Jeannie I did, yes.

  Tom Jeannie, I mean, shit … that is … that’s, like, so –

  Jeannie – within my job description.

  Tom No, that goes beyond your … I mean let’s be honest here, you are … being a little nuts about this!

  Jeannie If I am, you made me that way.

  Tom I didn’t do … (To Carter.) Dude, back me up here.

  Carter Yeah, I gotta say …

  He starts to speak but Jeannie cuts him off.

  Jeannie Shh! So I found it odd – especially when I had to manoeuvre around the weight issue, trying to describe her from what Carter had said – and I’m just drawing blanks from this woman over the phone who’s probably thinking I’m some crazy person but I have all the right information and the clearances and so she’s accessing a bunch of these personnel records but, uh-uh, nothing. Not a single flight booked here in over three months. So – I slapped one of those little Post-it flags on it and came down here to ask you about the thing. Maybe you can help me out.

  Tom looks over at Carter, who holds up a finger.

  Carter … I never said ‘fat’.

  Jeannie Carter, you told me she was huge.

  Carter Yeah, which is totally different. Shaq is huge, but nobody says the guy’s fat …

  Jeannie You said she was a pig!

  Carter I don’t think we should get off on a tangent here … (To Tom.) I mean, Tom, you’re the one who said she was in from Chicago.

  Tom No …

  Carter You didn’t?

  Tom No, I was … You inferred that …

  Carter Yeah, because you told me you were having dinner with the … So, was she or not?

  Jeannie That’s really the question, isn’t it? (Beat.) Tom.

  Tom She was … yes, I was having dinner with one of our, she’s a colleague from Chicago, but from one of our subsidiary suppliers … I should’ve been clear about the … her …

  Carter The name was ‘Helen’, I believe.

  Tom Right, ‘Helen’. About Helen’s trip to … to see us.

  Jeannie Tom.

  Tom I mean, not ‘see’ us, no, she wasn’t just dropping in, like checking up on us or anything, but she came here to explain some … several … new … options for our involvement in a, a, variety of … stuff.

  Jeannie Tom … Tom, listen to yourself. Stop! You are, like, the worst liar ever. I mean it. In history.

  Tom Fine. Whatever you say.

  He sits again, frustrated. Jeannie approaches him.

  What?

  Jeannie Umm … just the obvious stuff. Who–was–it?

  Tom She’s a … just this girl.

  Jeannie Excuse me?

  Tom Woman, then! I dunno. You know I mean ‘woman’. A woman I met. She’s someone that I’ve … who I took out, just got talking to at lunch one time and I was … Yeah.

  Jeannie is lost for words. Carter is connecting the dots.

  Jeannie I see. And, so, she’s …?

  Carter Oh … shit. Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me?! HOLY SHIT!!

  Carter realises he is being loud and gets up, crosses to the door and shuts it. Smiling broadly.

  Dude … (To Tom.) This is not her. You gotta tell me, tell me that much. This is not the … her her. Is it?

  Tom … Yeah. (Beat.) Yes, Carter.

  Carter OhmyGod. Ohmy …

  Tom Just stop, OK?

  Carter I mean … OHMYGOD! This is a … Jesus Christ! She’s … I gotta tell somebody!

  Tom Would you just get out of here?!

  Jeannie Fine, Tom, I’ll go.

  Tom Not you, Jeannie.

  Carter Yeah, I gotta go find my camera. ‘Tommy Joins the Circus!’

  Tom Asshole.

  Carter Oh, come on, man! You’d be doing the same thing to me …

  Tom Bullshit …

  Carter That’s a lie and you know it! You totally would …

  Tom No, I wouldn’t. Nope. (Beat.) We mess around a lot but I do not make fun of your … you know …

  Jeannie So … you are seeing her, then.

  Tom It’s not, no, but why do I have to discuss this?! Come on, people we’re at work here.

  Jeannie Sure, fine, but if you wanna stop and talk about the Lakers for two hours with the guys, that’d be OK, right? Yeah, that’s cool, but if I come in here because I’m trying to figure out just what the hell is going on in my relationship, well, that’s something we better talk about later. Let’s save that for some later time. Yeah, that’s pretty fair!

  Tom We don’t have a relationship!

  Jeannie Oh, really?!

  Tom Newsflash: no, we don’t … I’m sorry, but you keep saying that, and I’m … you know … I keep trying to tell you that I’m not … this isn’t …

  Jeannie You said you wanted to try again! You told me that!

  Tom To keep you from nagging at me! Just to stop you from calling and going on and on and on about this all the time! That’s why!

  Jeannie … Oh.

  Tom Okay? I mean, God …

  Jeannie I see.

  Tom I’m sorry, but … I just don’t …

  Jeannie Then fine. Good.

  Shee suddenly reaches across the desk and smacks Tom across the face. Hard with an open palm. He stumbles back and hits his chair, which rolls out from under him.

  Jeannie walks to the door, swings it open wide. Before she goes, however, she turns back to Carter and pushes him hard against the couch. Jeannie exits, slamming the door behind her.

  Tom crosses to the door, opens it. Looks out. Holds up a hand to someone down the hall. Closes the door again.

  Carter … I think she took that pretty well.

  Tom You dick.

  Carter Hey, don’t blame this shit on me.

  Tom I’m not, I just … damn it! Why do we even have to do this crap? Get all involved with people and …?

  Carter Because we’re clingy. It’s what makes us different than the rest of the animals …

  Tom Yeah, thanks, that really helps.

  Carter I do what I can …

  Tom sits back down in his chair and Carter plops back on the couch. They sit in silence for a moment.

  Hey …

  Tom What?

  Carter This isn’t meant as a … you know, to make up for what I said or whatnot, but in the spirit of full disclosure … my mom was fat. Is. As we speak.

  Tom … That’s great.

  Carter No, I’m just saying … I know what it’s like, I mean, why you were so embarrassed or …

  Tom I wasn’t! I just … Hell. I dunno. I sorta froze and, and then …

  Carter Dude, I understand. Like, totally. (Beat.) I used to walk ahead of her in the mall or, you know, not tell her about stuff at school so there wouldn’t be, whatever. My own mom. I mean … I’m fifteen and worried about every little thing and I’ve got this fucking Sumo wrestler in a housecoat trailing around behind me. That’s about as bad as it can get! I’m not kidding you. And the thing was, I blamed her for it. I mean, it wasn’t a disease or like some people have, thyroid or that type of deal … she just shovelled shit into her mouth all the time, had a few kids and, bang, she’s up there at three-fifty, maybe more. It used to seriously piss me off. My dad was always working late … golfing on weekends and I knew it was because of her. It had to be! How’s he gonna love something that looks like that, get all fucking sexy with her? I’m just a kid at the time, but I can remember thinking that.

  Tom God, that’s …

  Carter waves this off, drifting in his own thoughts for a moment.

&nbs
p; Carter Yeah, it’s whatever, but … this once, in the grocery store, we’re at an Albertson’s and pushing four baskets around – you wanna know how humiliating that shit is? – and I’m supposed to be at a game by seven, I’m on JV, and she’s just farting around in the candy aisle, picking up bags of ‘fun-size’ Snickers and checking out the calories. Yeah. I mean, can you believe that?! So, I suddenly go off on her, like, this sophomore in high school but I’m all screaming in her face … ‘Don’t look at the package, take a look in the fucking mirror, you cow! Put ’em down!’ Holy shit, there’s stock boys – bunch of guys I know, even – running down the aisle. Manager stumbling out of his glass booth there, the works. (Beat.) But you know what? She doesn’t say a word about it. Ever. About the swearing, the things I called her, nothing. Just this, like, one tear I see … as we’re sitting at a stop-light on the way home. That’s all.

  Tom Wow. I’m, I mean …

  Carter I did feel that way, though. Maybe I shouldn’t’ve yelled or … but it was true, what I said. You don’t like being fat, there’s a pretty easy remedy, most times. Do-not-jam-so-much-food-down-your-fucking-gullet! (Beat.) It’s not that hard.

  Tom Right. I guess that’s true. (Beat.) It’s confusing, though, the …

  Carter What?

  Tom I dunno, I’m, like … I mean, that night, when you saw us? Why didn’t I just come clean, say that I was having dinner, out with a friend even, instead of making all that shit up?

  Carter … Because you’re a pussy.

  Tom … Man, come on …

  Carter No, I say that in the best way. We all are – guys, I mean – if it comes right down to it. Very rare is the dude who stands up for the shit he believes in …

  Tom I know! I wanna be better at that sorta stuff, but a lot of the time I’m just … yeah. A big wuss, and I hate that! Despise that about me, but God, it’s … No. I’m gonna work on it, I’ll … I’ll …

  Carter Dude, relax, take a breath, don’t hurt yourself … we can’t all be Thomas More. And anyway, look what happened to him! Poor bastard …

  Tom True. (Beat.) No offence, but how the hell do you know about Thomas More?

  Carter Hey … I only cheated off the top two percentile in my class.

  Tom nods and drifts. Carter does the same. Silence.

  Tom … Geez, I wish Jeannie wasn’t so, you know. Damn.