The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1)

by L A Cotton

  I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry. Air, I needed air. But then his lips were on my skin and everything melted away.

  Trapped between the door and his body, Ryan's mouth traced a path from my neck to my jaw, finding the corner of my lips. “Don't make me stop,” he rasped winding his hands behind my neck and pulling me closer.

  I couldn't think.

  All of the pain and confusion of the last couple of weeks dissipated as I gave myself over.

  “Ryan,” I said breathlessly. His name sounded like a prayer on my lips. Something I hadn't realized how much I needed until this moment.

  His hands released me, gliding down my body until they reached their destination. In one swift movement, Ryan hauled me up, forcing my legs around his waist, and I gasped. But he caught it. Covering my lips, his tongue swept into my mouth. He was in control, but I felt his uncertainty. It zapped between us like a force field. He wanted this, but he was scared I would pull away at any second. That I’d realize how screwed up this was and leave.

  But I couldn't leave even if I wanted to.

  I was lost in him.

  The feel of his lips moving against mine, his solid muscles pressed up against me—everything else paled in comparison. The pain that had taken up residence in my soul since losing Lucas was still there. But instead of a strong beat, wrapped in Ryan's arms, it was a weak pulse.

  Ryan walked us to the edge of the bed and laid me down gently, staring down with a hint of sadness in his eyes.

  “Come here,” I whispered reaching for him.

  He lowered himself down over me. “Mila.” His voice filled with uncertainty again.

  “Shh,” I said tracing his jaw with my fingers. “I don't want to think about it. Make me forget, Ryan. Please make me forget.”

  Chapter 9

  LIGHT WARMED MY skin, and I tilted my face into its stream all while my eyes flickered open and shut, open and shut, fighting the tug of more sleep.

  “Hmm, what time is it?” Ryan murmured into my hair dragging me closer to him, and I let myself enjoy the feel of his solid frame wrapped around me.

  “Eight.”

  He grumbled something else into my hair, but I didn't hear him as the memories from the night before flooded my mind.

  Ryan slid his hands up my body taking my shirt with them. Warm breath connected with the curve of my chest, and I arched my back, moaning, as he closed his mouth around my lace-covered nipple. But it was nothing compared to the feel of his hands as they slipped inside my jeans and found my center. I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth fighting the urge to moan louder.

  Alternating his mouth and fingers, Ryan teased me to the brink of crashing over the edge, but at the last second, he pulled back. A playful smirk had replaced some of the sadness on his face. It looked good on him, and I drank in the sight of him. But all too quick, he was gone, inching down my pants until they dropped to the floor before covering me again. His mouth came down on mine again, harder this time, as his fingers slipped into my panties and glided between my legs. And, as he pressed one inside me, I gasped into his mouth.

  I'd been touched before.

  But never like this.

  Never in the midst of so much pain and regret and loss.

  It was intense.

  Breathtaking.

  It was the first time I was going to give myself to someone completely and nothing else mattered.

  Ryan didn't speak or flourish me with compliments. Instead, he worked me with his fingers all while kissing me like a man starved of air. Pleasure built low in my stomach, rolling through me like waves, as Ryan's thumb rolled circles over the sensitive bundle of nerves begging to be touched.

  “Ryan,” I panted into his mouth, clinging to him.

  It hit me like a tsunami. Wracking through my body until every cell trembled.

  “Stay with me, Mila. I need you. Only you.” Ryan's voice was distant as I rode the wave. He fumbled between us, kicking off his jeans until there was nothing but skin on skin.

  No clothes.

  No barriers.

  No regrets.

  Hooking an arm under my leg, and without warning, Ryan slammed inside me. My head rolled back, and I gripped onto his shoulders, more than willing to let him erase everything.

  The contentment I’d felt when I first opened my eyes began to manifest into something ugly until guilt swarmed through me. Ryan must have noticed the change in me. His hand, the one stroking my shoulder, stilled, and he inhaled sharply. “Don’t. Don’t do that.”

  His voice sounded off. Cold. And I turned to him and brushed my nose along the curve of his arm. “Don’t do what?”

  “You know what.”

  “I can’t help it, Ryan. Last night, what we did-”

  “Don’t, Mila.”

  With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and pressed further in Ryan’s side. The heat of his body encased me, and I couldn’t help but remember last night. Our bodies tangled, moving as one. Nothing about it had felt wrong … then, but now, now, the guilt was overpowering and a little destabilizing.

  We lay there in silence. Ryan was so still; I thought he might be sleeping, but every now and again, his fingers danced over my skin, and I knew he was considering, like me, how this would change things.

  Because it would change things.

  When my family—especially my brothers—found out about this, they wouldn't understand. I'd already asked Tanner for space to deal in my own way, but Chase and Colton wouldn't go as easy on me. Especially Chase, who seemed to have an issue with Ryan. Although he’d never said anything to me, I think there was some bad blood from when they were in high school together. And I didn't even want to imagine what Carol and Peter would think when they found out. I was the daughter they never had. Would they still love me if they knew I was here, lying wrapped in the arms of their less favored son? The son they'd told they wished had been in the car accident instead of Lucas.

  The son I’d held out for, for the last four years.

  Another bolt of guilt shot through me, so forceful my body jolted.

  “Hey,” Ryan said, his voice full of concern. “What is it?” His fingers slid underneath my jaw tilting my face up to meet his gaze. “Mila?”

  “I- maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Ryan.”

  Hurt flashed in his eyes, but Ryan recovered quickly, clenching his jaw tightly. “You regret it?”

  “Stop. That's not what I said.”

  “I can see it written all over you face.” Ryan pulled his arm away from me and rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up, head hung low, his back to me.

  “Ryan ...”

  “You think I wanted this? To fall for my dead brother’s girl? Is that what you think?” He laughed bitterly.

  Tears stung behind my eyes. I wanted to go to Ryan, to make him understand, but he'd pulled the wall down around him. I felt it slam into place the second the words left his mouth.

  “If I'm such an inconvenience, then what the hell are you doing here with me?” I snapped.

  He glanced over his shoulder. It wasn't enough for me to see his eyes, but I knew what they reflected. Because I felt it too.

  The confusion.

  The pain.

  … the regret.

  I guess it was true; things were so much clearer in the harsh light of day. This—us—could never work.

  “I should go.” I pushed back the sheet and draped my legs over the edge of the bed. Scooping up my shirt, I pulled it over my head and started the search for my pants. Neither of us spoke, the weight of last night almost too much to bear. I dressed quickly. I just needed my left shoe but couldn't see it anywhere.

  “Where are you?” I muttered to myself shooting Ryan a quick glance. He still sat on the edge of the bed, motionless. Ducking down to search under the bed, I misjudged and butted the frame of the bed. “Shit,” I cried sitting up, a hand pressed to the sore spot.

  “Mila?” Ryan dropped down in front of me, startling me.

 
; “Look at me. I'm a mess.”

  His fingers brushed across my head, and I winced.

  “Come on, I'll get you some ice.”

  “But my shoe-”

  “Is over by the dresser.”

  I looked over, and sure enough, there it was. “Why didn't you just say so?”

  Ryan shrugged. Helping me to my feet, he guided me to the bed. I sat and waited while he fetched ice and a towel. “Here, this should take away the sting.”

  I fought back the tears, but they won, streaming down my face. I don't know if they were for the pain or for Lucas or for us. But they wouldn't stop coming. Eventually, Ryan kneeled down in front of me and wrapped me in his arms, and I let him.

  It was becoming a pattern with us.

  “I'm sorry,” he said. “I don’t know how to do this.”

  “Me too.”

  And I was.

  Last night was many things, but I didn't regret it.

  I couldn't.

  “You need to put a shirt on.” I traced a finger across Ryan's defined chest.

  “Why?”

  Curling my hand into a fist, I punched him gently. “Don't be a conceited jerk.”

  “Broke the ice, though.”

  I smiled through the tears. He was right. It had cracked the coolness that had settled around us earlier. Ryan looked right at me, his eyebrows knitting together. “Tell me this feels wrong.”

  “Ryan, I-”

  “Tell me, Mila. Tell me you don't feel it, and I'll let you walk out of here.”

  I felt it.

  God, I felt it.

  But I also felt the guilt churning in my stomach, the shame burning through me.

  “Luca-”

  “Isn't here, Mila. He isn't here. He left us.” Warm lips pressed against my neck. “Before the funeral, you asked me not to leave. Now, I'm asking you to stay.” Ryan started a slow path to my ear, and my body started to respond, coming alive in his arms. “Stay, Mila. Stay with me.”

  “I-”

  Ryan's mouth came down on mine, and I wound my hands around his neck. I was weak—letting my desires overrule my head. Overrule what I knew was the right thing. But I couldn't deny that being with Ryan eased the pain. Filled some of the gaping holes in my heart.

  Our lips moved in perfect symmetry, our tongues gliding together. It felt different from the night before. Then, it had been about forgetting. Now, it felt more like acknowledging this thing between us. Ryan nudged me back until I was lying in the middle of the bed, and he hovered above me, resting on his elbows. I’d come to realize that it was in these moments alone that he let me see the guy behind the hard exterior. His roguish smirk gave him a playful quality he rarely revealed in public.

  Reaching out, I slid my hand along his jaw. Ryan’s eyes shuttered, and his chest heaved, affected by my touch. “I’ll stay.”

  His eyes snapped open and searched my own. “You will?”

  I nodded, fighting the smile forming on my lips. Part of me still didn’t want to think about what was happening—what had happened, but I was no longer going to deny myself this.

  Him.

  Ryan understood. He felt my pain, the grief … the emptiness. But he also gave me hope. Hope that things could, one day, be okay again. And, although I wasn’t ready to admit it, being with Ryan meant I still had a piece of Lucas with me.

  So when Ryan dipped his head and traced the outline of my mouth with his own, I looped my arms around his neck and hitched my leg around his. He rolled his hips, pressing into me, and I moaned softly, our earlier argument melting away.

  Until my cell vibrated.

  “You have to be kidding me.” Ryan’s head flopped onto my shoulder, and he let out a frustrated groan. “Go answer it. It’ll be Tanner.”

  “How did you-”

  “Mila, he’s your brother. He loves you. And, well, if it were my sister holed up in a motel with the likes of me, I wouldn’t have waited ‘til morning to call.”

  I shot him a look. I didn’t like hearing him talk about himself in such deprecating terms, but he was right. It could only be Mom or Tanner calling. Ryan rolled to the side of me, letting me up, and I padded across the room to my purse. Sure enough, Tanner’s number flashed across the screen.

  “Hey, Tan,” I said trying to sound normal.

  “You have five minutes, or I’m coming in.”

  “What the hell, Tanner?”

  “I’m serious, Mila Jean. I’m outside, and if you’re not out in five minutes, I’m coming in.”

  “Tan-” The line went dead. “Unbelievable, he hung up on me. I can’t believe he hung up on me.”

  “Problem?” Across the room, Ryan pulled on his jeans with the hint of an amused smile on his lips.

  “I’m glad you find this amusing. My brother is outside, Ryan. What the hell is wrong with my family?”

  Ryan stalked toward me, the amusement gone replaced with something darker, and with each step he took, my heart beat faster.

  “We’re not doing anything wrong, Mila. Just be honest with him.” He brushed my hair over my shoulder, cupped my face, and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. We both froze; the realization of what he’d just done hitting us.

  “I-” Ryan stepped back, his eyes glazed with confusion. “Shit,” he mumbled, and a sinking feeling rolled through me.

  “I’d better go.”

  Alarm washed over Ryan’s face, and I didn’t know if it was shock from his intimate gesture or the fact I was about to leave.

  I didn’t hang around to find out.

  I held his gaze for a few more seconds before grabbing my purse and slipping out of the motel room.

  For the second time.

  Chapter 10

  “MILA, I-”

  “Don’t Tanner, just drive.” I propped my elbow against the window, resting my head on the cool glass. The anger I’d felt when Tanner had called was still there, simmering underneath the surface, but I couldn’t forget the look on Ryan’s face after he kissed me so softly, so intimately.

  Something changed at that moment.

  I’d felt it.

  He’d felt it.

  Before, we were using our grief as a crutch for whatever it was we were doing, but in that second, as his lips touched my forehead, it was no longer about Lucas—it was about us. Two people brought together in painful circumstances, finding solace in one another, realizing that maybe, just maybe, there was more than losing someone they loved between them.

  And I’d left him … again.

  “Hey, what is it?” Tanner spoke softly, and I realized I’d obviously sighed a little too heavily.

  “I-” How did I explain this to him? He wouldn’t understand.

  None of them would.

  “Jeanie, whatever it is, you can tell me. Even if it’s about him. Listen, I lost my cool, okay. I dropped by Mom’s, and she told me you’d text last night saying you were staying out, and I knew, just knew, you’d be there with him. I don’t understand it, Jeanie, but I’m your brother, and I’m here.”

  Rolling my head in his direction, I sighed again. “Didn’t you ever like someone you weren’t supposed to, Tan?”

  My brother smiled, and I saw a twinkle in his eye. The same one he had when we were kids and he was up to no good.

  “And just who might you be thinking about?” I coaxed.

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” He tapped his nose and winked, and I playfully nudged his arm with my fist. “And here’s me assuming you were thinking of Beth.” My eyebrow shot up in a challenge.

  “Don’t go there.”

  “Why not? She is, after all, your fiancée, isn’t she?”

  He visibly shuddered, and it was my turn to laugh. “Tanner, if she doesn’t make you happy, then why stay with her?”

  “I’m happy. I am. I just wasn’t prepared for all the engagement stuff. Did you know engagements lead to weddings?”

  “They do?” I fake gasped, rolling my eyes dramatically.

&n
bsp; It was no secret that my brother and his girlfriend, Beth, had an interesting relationship. She was what Chase and I referred to as Texas royalty. Her family was rich—the filthy rich kind—and whatever Bethany Crosswell wanted, Daddy handed to her on a silver platter, including my lucky brother.

  “Ahh, don’t look at me like that, Mila Jean. I love her, I really do, but sometimes, her family is …” Tanner paused, but I was all too happy to fill in the blank. “Spoiled. Rich. Egotistical. Texas royalty?”

  “Stop, please stop.” He scrubbed a hand over his jaw, and a shot of guilt bolted through me for giving him a hard time. He had enough of that at the hands of Beth. “This is supposed to be about you, not me. So you and Gennery, huh? I gotta say it, Jeanie. I never saw this coming. Not in a million years.”

  “Neither did I, Tan, neither did I.” I turned my head over to the window again and watched the town roll by. When I’d returned to Radeno, I hadn’t even thought about Ryan—not once. Now, he was imprinted in my thoughts … on more than just my thoughts.

  “Is it real? Whatever is going on between the two of you? I thought it was just a moment of crisis thing, but you seem different, Jeanie. I can’t put my finger on it, but ever since the funeral, you’re different.”

  “At first, I thought it was just our grief, you know. Losing Lucas”—I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would shut out the painful memories—”literally shattered my heart, Tan. I didn’t choose this. It just happened, but Ryan is …”

  I couldn’t find the right words. He wasn’t someone to replace Lucas—no one could ever do that—but he made me feel like things could be okay. He understood me—what I felt, the things I was going through. And somewhere along the way, I found myself wanting to know Ryan—to learn more about the guy behind the stormy eyes. Only in the process, he’d found a way into my heart. I didn’t plan to let it happen, but it had.

  Now, I had to deal with that.

  “You’re not a child anymore. It isn’t for me, or Chase, or Colton, or even Mom and Dad to tell you who you can and can’t be with, but I just hope you know what you’re doing, Jeanie. Ryan isn’t Lucas. He’s never going to be Lucas, and you’re both still hurting. I know he’s helping you come to terms with things now, but what about when the dust settles and you can finally let Lucas go? What then?”