The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1)

by L A Cotton

  “What are you talking about, Lucas?” I’d replied. His words weren’t what left me feeling winded; it was the way he stared at me as if he was looking right into my heart.

  “I- I ...” It was as if the words were stuck. And there we stood, in the same spot we stood every day after school, and I felt it. Felt every word he wanted to say. But something made me reach out for his hand and say, “Four years then the rest of our lives, right?”

  His relief was instant. I'd saved him from saying something that could have changed everything, and at the same time, now … now, a part of me wished he had.

  I reached out and stroked the headstone again. “God, I wish I'd heard you say the words.”

  But he hadn’t, and now, here we were. Lucas was gone, and I was … I didn’t know yet. Learning to live without my best friend would take time and patience. Ryan had eased some of that, but now, he was gone too.

  Ryan.

  “I came to tell you goodbye today, but there’s something else. Something you should know. I-” The words wouldn’t come. I placed my hands on the ground and inhaled deeply letting the fresh air fill my lungs. Lucas was gone, but he deserved the truth.

  “Ryan and I-” Gosh, what were Ryan and me? I thought we were something real. Something more than just comfort in the darkness surrounding us. “I don't love him, I don't ... B- but I think I could. I never saw it when we were growing up; I just saw what everyone else saw. But Ryan's lost, Lucas, so lost. He's cold and distanced and closed off because he's scared. Of what, I'm not sure. I just thi-”

  “He's scared of never being enough.”

  At the sound of his voice, I sucked in a sharp breath and turned slowly to see Ryan standing a few feet away. A rainbow of emotions filled my chest at the sight of him.

  Anger.

  Relief.

  Happiness.

  Confusion.

  I couldn’t hold on to any one feeling, but it didn’t matter. Ryan was here.

  Standing in front of me.

  He started walking forward, hands jammed in his pockets, eyes trained on me. “He's scared that if he lets someone in, they'll realize that they made a mistake, that he isn't the strong, fearless guy they think he is.”

  Heart thumping against my chest, I rose to my feet, but I didn't go to him. I couldn't move. Just the sight of him paralyzed me to the spot.

  “But most of all, he's terrified of losing the only girl he's ever wanted. The girl he shouldn't want.”

  “Ryan, I-”

  “No, Mila, you need to hear this. You both do.” His eyes flickered past me to Lucas’s grave. “I’ve felt inadequate my whole life. I was the eldest, sure, but as soon as you came along, I knew I could never compete. Mom was infatuated with you in a way I never remember her being with me. But I got it, I did, because you were special, Lucas. You were bright and funny and never stopped asking questions. You had a thirst for knowledge that people admired. And I envied you so much, but I never hated you. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You know why? Because you were the only person in my life who never looked at me like I was a disappointment. When you followed me around and annoyed the shit out of me wanting to tag along, you made me feel like I could do anything. Maybe I could have. Maybe if I’d studied harder and tried to be more like you, I could have been that guy. But I think we both know that’s never who I really was.”

  Ryan cleared his throat and pulled his eyes back to me. I could see he was seconds from losing it. “I’m the kind of guy who runs when shit gets hard, and I keep running. But I’m done running, Lucas. Because when I lost you, I realized something. Life is short—too damn short to worry about shit that doesn’t really matter. You always had faith in me; I just needed to see it.” His eyes burned into me, and it felt as if he was no longer talking to just Lucas.

  “I want to be the guy you always believed I could be. The kind of guy who would make you proud to be my brother. The kind of guy who doesn’t run.”

  My feet had carried me to Ryan before I realized what was happening. I reached out and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “He was proud, Ryan.”

  Ryan gulped hard, and he covered my hand with his own. “I’m so sorry.”

  I sank into his touch, and my eyes closed. “I thought you’d left me.”

  “I came back.” Ryan’s forehead touched my own, and I felt it—this thing between us. It flowed through us, and I knew I hadn’t imagined it. We were tethered; whether through losing Lucas or something else entirely, we needed each other.

  And it was real.

  “You came back,” I whispered, gasping when Ryan’s mouth covered my own and started moving slowly.

  Ryan had told me once that the first time was the hardest. That the first realization of Lucas being gone would be the hardest to deal with. In some ways, it felt like so long ago that losing Lucas was a part of me now, and I imagined that piece would never truly move on. But standing wrapped in Ryan’s arms, I realized something … That was okay.

  I could keep Lucas alive in my heart, and I could love Ryan.

  Lucas was my best friend, and I never wanted to forget him. But on the days when it all became too much, the dark days when I’d question the fairness of it all, they would be that much easier to bear with Ryan by my side.

  Ryan could slowly piece my heart back together, but it didn’t mean he’d replace Lucas—or I’d forget him. I would carry him with me, always. He was a part of my history.

  My past.

  But Ryan was my future.

  Epilogue

  I LEANED BACK AGAINST RYAN, and his arm came around my waist as he tucked his chin onto my shoulder. “Looks good, huh?”

  “It'll do, for now,” I said, surveying the apartment.

  Our apartment.

  After spending all morning moving and unpacking boxes, it was finally starting to look like home.

  “For now?” Ryan turned me in his arms and stared down at me. “I feel like there's a but in there somewhere.” The storm in his eyes had subsided recently; he’d said it was because of me, but I knew it was more than that. The last five months had changed him. Losing Lucas, deciding to make the move to Houston with me, and reconciling with his parents—Ryan was different. Calmer.

  Lighter.

  Smiling up at him, I said, “It's kind of small, Ryan. What if we find it too suffocating? This is all new and well, I- I ...”

  He dipped his head, capturing my lips, and my argument died on my tongue. Ryan had insisted this place was perfect. It was a one-bedroom apartment in a modern building right in the heart of the city. Close enough for me to walk the short distance to my new job at The Radisson and easy enough for Ryan to commute to his job at Zero-to-Sixty auto shop.

  I pulled back, unable to think clearly with him so close kissing me like a man starved. “Ryan, I just think-”

  He pulled me closer, his free hand burying itself in my hair, anchoring us together. “Shh, Mila, I'm trying to kiss you right now.” He smiled against my mouth, and when he ran his tongue along the seam of my mouth, I gave in. Ryan pulled us to the wall and the impact reverberated around the room, but it didn't matter. When we were like this—lost in each other—nothing could ever ...

  “What the hell?”

  “Get off her. That's my sister, man. My eyes, oh God, my eyes.”

  “Nice, Jeanie, real nice.”

  Ryan tensed and broke off the kiss, dropping his head to mine, and I silently cursed my brothers’ epic timing, feeling the heat of embarrassment color my cheeks.

  “Don't mind them,” I whispered. “They're just having a hard time accepting their baby sister is all grown up.”

  Ryan released me, and tucking myself into his side, I turned to face my brothers. “Is that the last of them?” I eyed the boxes in their arms.

  “What do you say, Colt? Can we take him? Just this once? It'll be like his initiation into the family.” Chase grinned right at Ryan, but I stepped in front of him shielding him from my jerk-of-a-brother's view. “You'
ll have to go through me first, Chase Michael Austin.”

  “Ahhhh, Mils, you ruin all our fun.”

  “You know he's just playing, right?” Tanner placed down the box and came toward me. “Ryan, ignore him. Chase just enjoys giving you a hard time.”

  Ryan stepped up beside me, sliding his hand into mine. “You’re a dick,” he said pointedly to Chase, over Tanner’s shoulder. “But we’re stuck with each other, so can we at least try and call a truce?”

  Chase’s earlier smugness melted away, and he shrugged, muttering something under his breath.

  “Atta boy,” Colton said clapping him on the shoulder. “All that matters is that Ryan takes good care of her. And he will take good care of her, right?” My eldest brother’s eyes snapped to Ryan, and I threw my hands up in defeat. “You three are impossible. Come on, Ryan, let’s leave the children to the rest of the unpacking.”

  Ryan’s laughter filled the room as I tugged him into our bedroom.

  ~

  “At last.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around Ryan’s shoulders. “I thought they were never going to leave.”

  “They just didn’t want to leave you with me.”

  “Ryan!”

  “I’m joking. Kind of. I know it’ll take some time for them to get used to the idea of us.”

  A bitter laugh escaped me. “It’s been five months. I think they’ve had enough time. Chase is just Chase, but I expected more from Colton. I’m just glad Mom and Dad agreed to stay in Radeno.”

  Ryan pressed a kiss to my forehead. “It’s fine; I can handle them if it means I get you all to myself, miles away from your brothers and their threats.”

  “I like the sound of that.” I pulled back and looked into his gray eyes. “He’d be so proud of you, Ryan. Of us.”

  “Would he?” Ryan swallowed hard, and I felt a flash of guilt, but then I remembered my promise to Lucas.

  “Don’t you dare, Ryan Howard Gennery.”

  Amusement tugged at his mouth. “How the hell did you find that out?”

  Tapping my nose, I said, “I have my ways.”

  “My bad.” He held up his hands. “You were saying?”

  “Don’t you dare feel guilty. We’re over that, remember? He would be happy for us. Lucas would be happy that we found each other, Ryan. I know he would.”

  Ryan’s eyes darted over my shoulder, and I knew what he was staring at. The photo of him and Lucas, the one from Lucas’s bedroom. I’d spent almost an hour hanging them earlier. Me and Lucas, Lucas and his parents, Ryan and Lucas—our wall was now littered with memories of the person we’d both loved and lost … but would never forget.

  “You’re right.” Ryan’s gaze found me again, and he smiled. “Besides, he’ll kick my ass if I don’t love you as much as he did.”

  “Yo- you love… you love me?” I choked out, my mouth gaping open like a fish.

  He laughed and wrapped me into his arms. “Mila Jean Austin, you’re so damn cute when you’re speechless.”

  Burying my face in Ryan’s shirt, I hugged him tight, letting myself soak up the moment.

  Five months ago, I lost my best friend. My soul mate. My everything. Life seemed impossible. But now, standing in the place that I was supposed to come to with Lucas, things finally felt possible.

  Life felt possible.

  And I would share it all with one Gennery boy knowing that somewhere out there, the other was looking down on me.

  ~ The End ~

  If you enjoyed Mila and Ryan’s story and want to keep up-to-date about the next book in the Austin Brothers Series: The Second Spark is the Brightest, you can add it to you Goodreads TBR HERE

  And here’s a sneak peek…

  ~ TANNER ~

  I couldn't stop thinking about her.

  The girl from Jackson Square.

  I wasn't a man of faith. Didn't have time for all that. But when she’d taken my hand and smiled up at me something had passed between us. I’d felt it all the way to my soul. It was as if she was looking right into me.

  Who was I fucking kidding?

  It was probably all of the bourbon Mitch insisted we drank at the bar. Because what else could it have been?

  But all night, as Mitch lay in the motel bed beside me, sleeping off his first night celebrating his last week of freedom, I'd driven myself crazy. Thinking about her full smile. Her caramel skin and thick chocolate waves. Christ, maybe she was some kind of voodoo hoodoo priestess and had cast some kind of spell on me, because I sure as hell felt bewitched.

  I was engaged. In eleven months, I would be married. Married, for fucks sake. Not to mention the fact, I was an honest, decent, loyal guy. Beth, my fiancée, wasn't easy at times and the wedding was happening quicker than I anticipated, but I loved her. I did. My eyes had never wandered. Ever. So why was it, all I could think about was seeing her again? It was as if something had taken over my reasoning, my logic, and I had to know her.

  The girl telling fortunes to strangers for a few coins and a thank you.

  Playlist

  Gravity – Sara Bareilles

  Full of Grace – Sarah McLachlan

  The Funeral – Band of Horses

  Cry with You – Hunter Hayes

  Say Something – A Great Big World

  Ghost – Ella Henderson

  Wherever You Will Go – Charlene Soraia

  Panic Cord – Gabrielle Aplin

  Stay with Me – Sam Smith

  Talk Me Down – Troye Sivan

  Skinny Love – Birdy

  Follow You – Bring Me The Horizon

  Pompeii – Bastille

  All I Want – Kodaline

  Fix You - Coldplay

  Acknowledgements

  It feels right to start by thanking the person that is responsible for this novella. Andrea M Long – without your advice and suggestions with how to deal with my writers ‘funk’, this novella would cease to exist. I owe you! You see, Mila and Ryan’s story was never ‘planned’. I had stories all ready for the Austin brothers but never the Austin sister. And then, during a time when the words were not coming easily, Andie suggested I step back from things and write something new. Mila Austin literally jumped in my head and well, here we are.

  Writing a story takes one person, but releasing a book takes a team, and I am lucky enough to have some fabulous ladies in my corner. On hand to beta read at the drop of a hat: Lucy, Ewelina, Robin, and Ginelle, thank you so much for stepping in and helping a girl out (again!) I really do appreciate it. JC Clarke at The Graphics Shed you did an AMAZING job with the cover. Your patience with me was endless and I am SO happy with how things turned out. Thank you! Jenny Sims (aka editor-extraordinaire) thank you for fitting me in, putting me straight, and prettying up my words. Can’t wait to squeeze you in Dublin. And last but not least, Nicole at IndieSage PR, you really make the difference. I might still be a mess, but at least now I’m an organised mess.

  To my ‘crew’ thank you for all of the pimping and sharing and spreading the word—I love you guys. My readers group, you girls rock. And not forgetting, the ladies that help keep me sane in this crazy little community: Jenny Siegel, Kirsty-Anne Still, Sam Destiny, Lucy Johnson, The COPA authors, The Indie Girls, and The Chicken Soupers—I’m fortunate to have you all on my side.

  And finally, to my readers. Without you, this would not be possible.

  Until next time…

  About the Author

  Contemporary romance and romantic suspense

  … written with feeling

  L.A is author of contemporary romance novels ranging from sweet with just a hint of steam, to suspenseful reads full of angst, tension, twists and turns. Home is a small town in the middle of England where she currently juggles being a full-time mum to two little people with writing. In her spare time (and when she’s not camped out in front of the laptop) you’ll most likely find L. A immersed in a book, escaping the chaos that is life.

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