Jean Grainger Box Set: So Much Owed, Shadow of a Century, Under Heaven's Shining Stars

by Jean Grainger

  Juliet’s expression told him she was not one of those silly giggly girls who fell at a man’s feet at the first sign of flattery.

  ‘Too much too soon?’ he asked, still grinning.

  ‘Much,’ she agreed as she poured the tea.

  ‘Okay, truce!’ He held his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

  Juliet smiled.

  ‘So apart from visiting your aunt, why would a lovely young Irish girl leave her trout-filled home to come to the Black North? I’ve never been to Southern Ireland, but anyone that has says it’s beautiful, and it looks like your Mr de Valera is going to keep you all out of this war, so what brings you here?’ He sipped his tea, his gaze intense.

  ‘Well,’ she began, ‘it’s a long story. Anyway, what makes you think I agree with our Mr de Valera? Maybe, I think we should be in this war.’

  He put down his cup and sat back in the chair. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yes, as a matter of fact I do. People at home though are very anti-English still, and in lots of ways, you can’t blame them. Independence is still very new for us. For most people, the idea of joining forces with what they see as the old enemy would just be unthinkable. De Valera would only be able to keep us out of it if that’s what most people wanted, and unfortunately, I think it is.’

  ‘But not you?’ he asked quizzically.

  ‘No, not me. I’m not claiming to be an expert, but what Hitler is doing is just wrong and someone needs to stop him. My father, however, would have a fit if he heard me,’ Juliet smiled ruefully.

  ‘He’s one of those very anti-English people you mentioned?’ Ewan seemed intrigued.

  ‘Not so much that. It’s more because he was a doctor in France during the last war, and Solange – she’s kind of my step-mother – was a nurse. So they are both very against any kind of war. The minute anything actually happens, I’ll be shipped straight home to Dunderrig, no doubt,’ she sighed.

  ‘Is it that bad? This Dunderrig place?’

  ‘No, it’s lovely. A lovely, friendly house with beautiful gardens, but nothing ever happens there, you see. My brother James, he’s my twin actually, is still there, but he’s different to me. He likes peace and quiet while I…’

  ‘…Like a bit of excitement?’ Ewan finished for her. Noting her look of alarm, he rushed on, ‘Not that kind of excitement, don’t worry. But I know what you mean. I couldn’t wait to join up once the war was declared, though I must say I thought something interesting would have happened by now. I’m stationed at Aldergrove RAF base, training and awaiting orders, but honestly it’s so dull, I just had to escape today. Anyway, tell me more about you. You’re a twin, you said? Are you close?’

  ‘Yes, very.’ Juliet felt a pang of regret. She wished that were still true, but she wasn’t going to admit anything like that about James to this stranger. She wondered what her brother would make of this Ewan McCrae – would he like him or think he was too cocky. ‘So Mr McCrae, what about you?’

  ‘I’ve got four brothers, all in the services. My dad was killed at Guinchy in 1918, so it’s really hard for my mum, her watching us all go. I’m the youngest, by seven minutes.’ Laughing at her startled glance, he went on, ‘Aye, I got you there, didn’t I? You see, we are destined to meet. My twin, his name’s Douglas – but everyone calls him Dougie – he’s in the RAF too, but he’s the steady, sensible one and got snapped up to train as a flying instructor back in England. I’ve not seen him for a while. No one can tell us apart, though obviously I’m the better-looking one!’

  ‘Are you close?’ Juliet asked.

  ‘Y’know yourself. I suppose we are, he knows me better than anyone else, but we don’t see eye to eye on everything. I’d have preferred to have been posted with him, though. Still, the lads I’m with are a good bunch, so it’s not so bad.’

  Juliet much preferred this more thoughtful version of Ewan and wondered if he’d ask her out again.

  ‘So, why did James not come on this adventure?’ Ewan asked. Juliet thought about it and decided to confide in this man. Now that he’d stopped the outrageous flirting and flattery, he seemed kind, and, being a twin, perhaps he’d have some ideas about what she should do. She couldn’t talk about the situation with anyone else, and it was really upsetting her.

  ‘Well, it’s complicated. A long story.’ She hesitated.

  ‘I’ve got, let’s see, until Adolf and his mates do something dastardly,’ he joked, looking at his watch, ‘so if I can help, I’d be happy to try.’

  Juliet began the story with the Danny disaster, as she dubbed it, but found herself going back to the night of their birth and telling him about Solange and their parents. She finished up by explaining the atmosphere that now existed between her and James. Ewan sat quietly listening without interrupting.

  When she stopped speaking, he leaned over and held her hand. She didn’t pull away even though she knew she probably should. Getting the whole story off her chest, left her feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

  ‘Firstly, can I say how happy I am that Danny got the heave-ho? On the other thing, that’s a difficult situation to be in. I don’t know anything about it apart from what you’ve told me, and I have to say, from the way you describe your mother, she sounds like a cold fish, but maybe James needs to find that out for himself. It’s hard to think why she would love him and not you, but it sounds to me like you have a great mother in Solange, so maybe, let James go his own way for now, and agree not to talk about it. I think that’s what I’d do if I were in your shoes. It’s not a perfect solution, I know, but I can see you’re upset by the way things are between you and James. I’d be the same if it were Dougie. Why don’t you write him a nice, long newsy letter and at the end, say something like: “I know you have to do whatever you want where Edith is concerned. It’s not something I’m interested in, but I don’t want it to get between us, so maybe, we can just agree not to discuss it for now and go back to the way we were.” What do you think?’

  She smiled ruefully, ‘I think it’s the most sensible idea yet. I’ve tried writing to him before, but it’s like this big huge thing standing between us, but you’re right, I suppose he’s entitled to have whatever relationship he wants with her. We’re adults now, and we were bound to disagree over something. We’ll just decide not to discuss it. I hope he agrees.’

  Ewan still held her hand, caressing her palm with his thumb. The gesture was surprisingly comforting. ‘He’ll agree, I’m sure of it. He’s probably as upset about this as you are, but he doesn’t have someone holding his hand and solving his problems for him like you do.’ He winked at her and squeezed her hand.

  They chatted on and on all afternoon and by the time Juliet looked at the clock on the wall of the busy café, she realised it was definitely time to begin the journey home. Somehow, almost three hours had passed.

  Standing, she said, ‘I really have to go. My aunt is expecting me home for tea.’

  ‘Can I see you tomorrow evening? We could go to the pictures if you liked?’ Ewan looked down at her as he helped her with her coat.

  ‘I’d like that,’ Juliet found herself replying.

  That evening, she debated whether to tell Auntie Kitty she was going out on a date. Her aunt was usually in bed by eight, and she liked to listen to the wireless in her room. Juliet knew that she could feign tiredness and slip out without her being any the wiser, but she decided she’d be honest and hope for the best. At least if Kitty thought she wouldn’t lie to her, there was a chance she might not tell her father. If he thought she was getting into a romantic entanglement so soon after Danny, he wouldn’t approve.

  As she sat companionably with her aunt listening to the BBC, Juliet brought up the subject.

  ‘Auntie Kitty, I was wondering if it would be all right if I went to the pictures tomorrow evening, with a man?’ She had decided the direct approach was best.

  Kitty didn’t seem shocked, which Juliet took as a good sign. ‘Who is this man?’ sh
e enquired, taking off her glasses. ‘Is he respectable?’

  ‘I think so.’ Juliet’s voice remained strong. ‘I only met him today, on the bus. We started chatting, and he asked me to have a cup of tea with him in a café, so I did. He’s Scottish and in the RAF out at Aldergrove, and he’s a twin, as well. He’s got four brothers, his mother is a widow and his father was killed in the last war. His name’s Ewan McCrae.’

  Juliet was praying that her aunt would say yes, but she wasn’t going to plead. She hoped that being straight with Kitty would mean she’d trust her and let her go.

  ‘I suppose he’s nice looking,’ Kitty raised one eyebrow.

  Juliet blushed. ‘Yes, Auntie Kitty, he’s very nice looking, but I’m not going to do anything that…’ Juliet’s aplomb was failing her.

  ‘Well, I should hope not!’ her aunt exclaimed. ‘Mind how you go with your Scotsman, darling Juliet. Have a nice time and be home on the last bus. Now, I’m done in, so I’ll say good night to you. Make sure everything is locked up, won’t you? You’re a good girl, your father is right to be as proud of you as he is.’

  All that night, she lay in bed thinking about Ewan. Even though she’d almost married Danny, she’d never gone on a proper date before. With Danny, she’d just kind of drifted into the relationship. Solange had sat her down years ago, when she got her first period, and explained about sex and babies and all of that. She told her that if she ever wanted to know anything, she should come to her, so she was easily the most knowledgeable on that mysterious subject in school. Before she left for Belfast, Solange brought up the subject again one evening as they walked home from the village, having been in Skibbereen shopping for new clothes for her trip.

  ‘You know, you have grown into a beautiful young woman, Juliet,’ Solange began. ‘And now you are about to leave home, I think we should have a talk about men.’

  Juliet squirmed. ‘Solange, there’s no need, honestly. You told me everything I needed to know years ago. And I was within a half an hour of being a married woman, you know.’

  ‘Yes, and I did not speak like this before that wedding because I knew you were marrying the wrong man, and so, to discuss what I want to tell you now would have been pointless. I know you did not have sex with Danny. It was one of the reasons I knew you and he were wrong for each other. Now, years ago, I told you how it happens when a woman conceives a child, but we have never spoken about love and passion. I know it is awkward for you, your Irish education makes talking about your body so difficult, but please, there are some things you must understand. I know the nuns told you in school that you must not ever have sex before you are married, and then, only to make a baby, but it is not so. Of course, you must be very careful, and this world, it is not kind to young girls who find themselves pregnant without a husband, but sometimes, especially during something like a war, we need each other. Men need women, and women need men. What I am saying is not you must sleep with all the men who approach you, and believe me, there will be many, but if you do meet someone on your travels, and you fall in love with him and he with you, then just be very careful.’

  Juliet couldn’t believe her ears. Solange had stopped walking and was taking a bulky envelope out of her purse and handing it to her.

  ‘These are from France; your father gets them sent over. A man wears them to stop the woman getting pregnant.’

  Juliet looked into the envelope in astonishment. ‘My father gets these?’ She was flabbergasted. ‘Why on earth does he need…’

  Solange laughed. ‘Not for himself, silly girl, but sometimes his patients can’t afford any more children, so they ask him if there is any way they can still make love but not have a baby come, and well, he gives them these.’ Solange shrugged – the Gallic gesture she had used so frequently throughout Juliet’s childhood. Juliet sometimes forgot how very French Solange was, despite all her years in Ireland. Though her English was almost perfect, it was still heavily accented, and her attitude to many things was different to the Irish one; but this was really amazing. Juliet was so shocked she couldn’t even feel embarrassed.

  ‘So you’re giving me these…these… I can’t believe Daddy gives these out. If Father Twomey knew, he’d have a fit! And Daddy goes to mass every Sunday even though the Church expressly forbids the use of…of…’

  ‘Condoms,’ Solange interjected. ‘Yes I know, but your father is a good, kind-hearted man and a wonderful doctor. He thinks it is easy for the Church to make such rules when it is not the Church who has to support all these children. He asked me many years ago to have them sent from France and so an old school friend of mine sends them, though they have to be well hidden from the authorities. I’m not telling your father I am giving you these, by the way, but if you find yourself in a situation where you want to make love with a man, at least, you will be prepared. That’s all.’

  Juliet took the envelope and put it in her bag.

  ‘Solange,’ she asked, ‘did you and Jeremy, you know…before you were married?’

  Solange chuckled. ‘Of course we did. How would I have known if I wanted to sleep with him forever if I did not first try? But, and please do not be shocked, Jeremy was not the first. He knew that, and because I was not his first either, we could be certain that we were right for each other.’

  Juliet was fascinated. ‘So who…?’

  ‘Ah, he was a boy who lived near me in Amiens, so nice this boy. But the first time, it’s not so good. It hurts a little, and we were both nervous. Let me give you some advice – if you can, for your first time, be with someone who has a little bit of experience. It makes it better.’

  ‘I always thought that there was just Jeremy, I never knew…’ Juliet struggled to find the right words that would show Solange that she wasn’t shocked, just that she had never imagined. She supposed she had never seen Solange in that way, but now that she was older, she could see how very attractive the French woman was. She still had the same figure as always, her dark curly hair remained as black as ever. Women of her age in Dunderrig, wore their hair pinned up under headscarves when they went out, but Solange allowed her shiny locks to cascade down her back. She caused a bit of a stir sometimes, but mostly people liked her – and, anyway, she was foreign – the rules were different. All the old farmers were forever trying to get her attention, and she was unfailingly courteous and polite to them – but never anything more.

  Solange sat down on the grassy bank and patted the patch of grass beside her. Juliet sat down.

  ‘Juliet, Jeremy was the love of my life. But there are many reasons for going to bed with someone. Love is just one. My first boy, I burned with desire for. Then there was the man from Paris, who was visiting my father’s paper factory.’ She giggled at the memory. ‘This man, I found so funny, and he cheered me up when I was feeling sad. There are many, many, reasons to make love, and also many ways to do it, and as you grow to love someone and trust them, you will become braver and try new things. But sex should never be about fear or trying to be who you are not. Only do what feels right to you, and then you will be happy. Do not let your education dictate how you live your life, my darling, that’s all I wanted to say to you.’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Of course, anything. If I know the answer, I will tell you.’

  ‘Was there anyone after Jeremy? You know, here?’

  Solange smiled and rubbed Juliet’s back, just as she had done when Juliet was little.

  ‘If you are asking me if I have ever made love with your father then the answer is no. I love him, but not in that way, and I think he feels the same about me. I have had sex since Jeremy died, but before you jump to conclusions, it was not with your Papa and it was not in Dunderrig.’

  ‘What?’ Juliet spluttered in amazement. ‘I never realised. Does Daddy know about this man?’

  ‘I don’t think so. And he is just a friend, really. It will never become more than what it is. I met him years ago on the train to Cork,
and we chatted and stayed in touch. He is charming and funny and handsome, and we have a really nice time together. It suits us both, we like each other, but we are not in love. I make no demands on him nor he on me. That’s how we both like it. I know to you, I am an old, old woman, but I still have needs, and this way it suits me and him, and everyone is happy!’

  Juliet chuckled at what the nuns would have made of Solange’s attitude. They would have been horrified. She was always taught to keep her distance from boys; apparently men were incapable of controlling their carnal desires, so it was up to the girls to say no – or better still, avoid any situation where it would be necessary to say no. Sister Bonaventure, her religion teacher, was adamant that if the unfortunate situation occurred where it was absolutely necessary to dance with a boy, like at a family wedding, then at all times the girl should ensure there was ‘room for Jesus’ between them. Juliet recalled the suppressed giggles in the classroom when she had asked the nun how wide Jesus might be, just so she’d know how much space to leave. That had earned her a whole Saturday detention for being cheeky and blasphemous, but it had been worth it to see the nun’s face turn from white to purple instantly. No wonder Solange had always taken Juliet’s side against the nuns if this was her attitude to men.

  Juliet knew now that she had never felt or even understood the pangs of sexual desire. Of course, Danny always tried for a fumble after the dance or the pictures, but he expected her to resist and she did. That’s what well-brought-up girls did; he would have probably died if she’d given in. And it wasn’t as if she had found him hard to resist. She had thought he was nice looking, but she had never been so overcome with desire for him that she would have even considered sex with him before marriage. Now, as she tossed and turned in her big bed in Belfast that night, she realised she was beginning to understand what Solange had been talking about. Ewan, just rubbing her palm with his thumb while she poured her heart out about James was comforting, certainly, but it also aroused feelings in her that were new. She wondered what it would be like to feel his arms around her, to have him kiss her. She must remain vigilant, she knew that, but he was the first man that she’d ever found attractive; it was so exciting.