Jean Grainger Box Set: So Much Owed, Shadow of a Century, Under Heaven's Shining Stars

by Jean Grainger

  Write back and tell me what to do.

  I know you don’t like Edith and all that but try to leave your personal feelings out of your decision.

  Why don’t you come down to Dublin, you don’t have to see Edith or Otto but you could meet me and Ingrid. Maybe even bring Ewan? Ingrid can’t go to Belfast for the same reason she had to leave England.

  Love,

  James.

  Chapter 24

  Despite the war and the deprivations caused by the ever more stringent rationing, Juliet and Ewan were enjoying being young and in love. Auntie Kitty insisted on paying her grandniece an allowance as her companion, arguing that she would have had to employ someone if Juliet had not arrived. Though Ewan tried to pay for everything, it was lovely to finally feel grown up and independent. She never felt happier in her life. They went to dances, the pictures, and drank endless cups of weak tea in the cafés of the city. Auntie Kitty really liked Ewan and often on a Sunday, if he was off, the three of them went for a stroll in Alexandra Park.

  Coming out of central station one evening after a lovely day trip to the coast, Juliet was chattering happily. Suddenly, she stopped mid-sentence by the scene on the platform. A matronly woman was trying in exasperated tones to organise a group of children who were standing huddled together; some were crying while others were sullen and dry-eyed. Each child had a card around his or her neck with their name on it and a number and each carried a small bag or suitcase. They looked such a sad and lonely collection that Juliet was appalled.

  ‘Who are they?’ she whispered to Ewan.

  ‘Refugees – Jews, most likely. Hitler allowed some children out at the start; he’s closed the borders now, of course. There’s a farm out on the Ards peninsula where they’re putting them up, though it’s a bit rough and ready by all accounts. Still, a better life here than wherever the poor misfortunes have come from I’d say. Some of the Jewish fellows on our base visit there and help out. We give them whatever we can spare whenever they go.’

  Juliet’s eyes filled with tears, they looked so sad and alone. ‘Do you think it’s true, Ewan? What they are saying about how he’s treating the Jews? It must be, mustn’t it, if people are willing to let their little ones go off to a country miles away where they don’t even speak the language. Look at them, some of them are so small and lost-looking.’

  They went to a bar beside the station and when they were seated, Juliet was still blazing with anger.

  ‘At least Northern Ireland is accepting refugees. It’s as if the south is deaf to what’s happening. I can’t believe they are so unfeeling. It makes me so angry; I’m ashamed of my government and even of the people. They should speak out. We think of ourselves as kind and generous, but the way we’re turning our backs on these people just because they’re Jews is disgusting. If Hitler had decided to persecute Catholics, then I bet it would be a different story. I can understand our position on neutrality – I mean, I don’t agree with it, but I can see how it would be difficult to ally ourselves with the old enemy and all of that. But these are just people – families, children, for God’s sake. Why can’t we let them in and protect them until this madness is over?’

  Ewan put his arm around her shoulders. ‘I know. It’s difficult for us to understand too, why Ireland won’t help out, but I suppose the scars of the past run deep. England was the enemy for so long and did such awful things that the people just can’t consider joining sides with them, I suppose. But you’re right about the refugees. They’re pouring into London every day with horror stories – why would they make them up? It seems unbelievable to us because we can’t imagine having that kind of hatred for anyone, but it would be a mistake to underestimate anything about the Nazis.’

  ‘We have to stop him, don’t we? Otherwise, what kind of a world are we facing?’ Juliet looked deeply into Ewan’s eyes.

  He just nodded. ‘Juliet, there’s something I have to tell you. I was going to wait till tonight, I didn’t want to spoil our day out, but anyway, I’m being moved.’

  ‘But what do you mean, moved?’ Juliet was stricken.

  ‘I’m being redeployed to RAF Ansty, in Coventry. Now that France has fallen, we are the last man standing. There was no way they were going to leave trained pilots here when we are needed over there. We just go where we’re sent and that’s that.’ Ewan was rueful.

  ‘But what does that mean, redeployed? I mean, are you going for a few weeks or months or forever, what do they mean?’ Juliet was trying to hide her distress. Ewan had become so much a part of her life that she just couldn’t imagine any other life than the one they shared in Belfast. The sun shone gloriously outside. It should have been a perfect day.

  ‘Juliet,’ Ewan held both her hands as they sat in the snug of the cosy pub. He thought his heart would break at the idea of leaving her; she was so young and beautiful, so clever and articulate. Over the last nine months, everything about his life had changed. She wasn’t like anyone he’d ever met before. She was outspoken and opinionated and never let him away with anything. Girls back home in Scotland had been interested in him – he and Dougie were known as the terrible twins of Green Street – but until meeting Juliet, he’d never taken any relationship too seriously. This time it was different. He’d never met anyone like her and couldn’t bear to let her go.

  Yet he’d always known there was no chance he would be left in Belfast now that things were really getting under way. Winston Churchill had announced that the Battle of France was over, and the Battle of Britain was about to begin. In lots of ways, he was dying to go and get stuck in but leaving this girl behind filled him with desolation.

  He knew she had no idea of what he did as a member of the RAF Coastal Command. He had never told her of the missions over the channel and the North Sea, looking for enemy activity. The Battle of the Atlantic had begun on the first day of the war and had continued relentlessly ever since. It was deeply frustrating. Despite their efforts, the U-boats had sunk forty-one ships so far. The equipment they had was simply not good enough. Now he wanted to be someplace, where he could actually make a difference.

  His guess was he was going to be redeployed to Bomber Command, running bombing missions deep into German-held Europe. Dougie was already at RAF Ansty, and it would be good to see him again. They had joined up at the same time, but Dougie was less impetuous than his twin and so had been selected as an instructor and moved to the flight training unit at the base. The last time Ewan had seen him, they both had a few days leave at Christmas; he was no longer training regular RAF. In fact, his twin had been very cagey about his recent activities. Ewan knew enough not to ask – clearly, Dougie was involved in something hush-hush.

  He suspected that Juliet was only staying in Belfast for him. What had started out as a few weeks’ holiday was rapidly becoming a year. He wished there was some way he could bring her with him to England but couldn’t see how, even if her father would allow it – which was doubtful based on what he’d heard about him. Anyway, English cities were too dangerous these days. She needed to return to Dunderrig, where she would be safe. He’d thought again and again of proposing to her, yet knew it would be unfair to ask her to wait for him until the war ended. He was realistic about his chances of making it, and it would be a crime for her to waste her youth waiting for a dead man.

  He realised he had no choice but to say goodbye.

  ‘You know how I feel about you, don’t you?’ he began, unsure he would be able to get the words out. ‘I love you, Juliet Buckley. I really do, but…’

  ‘But what?’ her voice was a whisper.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen, where I’m being sent or what I’ll have to do when I get there. I can’t take you with me, and I don’t have the right to ask you to wait for me.’

  He took a deep breath.

  ‘I’m going to let you go, my darling wee girl. I’m not going to hold you to anything. It’s breaking my heart, but it’s the best way. Maybe this
war will end quickly and if it does, and I’m alive to see it, and you’re still free, then I’ll come to look for you, I promise, but for now, this is the only way.’

  Juliet’s green eyes filled with tears despite her efforts to control them. ‘I understand why you have to go, especially now, after seeing those children. Someone’s got to stand up to him. I wish that someone wasn’t you, but women all over the country are probably thinking the same thing. It has to be you, and thousands like you, but I won’t pretend I’m not broken-hearted or terrified something will happen to you. I love you, Ewan, and I want to wait for you. Or am I making a fool of myself over an airman who’ll find a new girl with every move? Because if that’s what this is, I’d rather you told me now.’

  His face turned stony, and he stared at her for a long moment.

  ‘How could you say that?’ he demanded at last. ‘Is that how you really see me? I love you, you stupid girl, I do, more than anything, but Christ only knows what I’m facing now, and I’m scared, all right? There, I’ve said it. I’m scared I’m going to be blown to bits, but I’ll do it anyway. Not because I think I’m some kind of hero, but because I want to defend my country so that we – or maybe not us, maybe we’ll be dead – but so people like us can meet and fall in love and get married and live happily ever after in a world where people are allowed to live and love and be whatever religion they want to be.’

  He grabbed her by both arms, and she thought for a moment he was going to shake her; she’d never seen him so angry.

  ‘Now, I know you’re not going to like this but if I’m to have any chance of concentrating on that job and stopping that bastard Hitler in his tracks, then I don’t need to be worried that every bloody Luftwaffe plane has a bomb aboard with your name on it. If you really mean to wait for me, then I want you to go home, to Dunderrig, where you’ll be safe. Then if I’m still here when this mayhem is over, and if you still want me, then we’ll get married, all right?’

  Juliet dissolved into tears and clung to him. The buttons of his tunic stuck into her cheek, but she held him close and cried at the unfairness of it all. He kissed her hair and when her sobs subsided, he wiped her eyes with his thumbs. The gesture reminded Juliet of her father.

  ‘Was that a proposal?’ she giggled through the tears. ‘Because if it was, then I’d always hoped it would be a bit more romantic.’

  ‘I can see your point. I never imagined that if I ever got to the point where I’d want to marry someone, I’d ask her by yelling at her. Sorry!’ He smiled his crooked smile, the one that always melted her.

  ‘I’ll tell you what, Mr McCrae. I will wait for you, but when you come home to me, and I know that you will, safe and sound, how about you ask me properly? Do we have a deal, as the Yanks say?’ She was laughing through her tears as she extended her hand to shake on it. He took it and kissed her palm.

  ‘When do you have to go?’ she whispered.

  ‘Soon. Tomorrow maybe.’

  They held hands in loving, grieving silence.

  ‘THERE IS ONE OTHER thing I need you to do before you go,’ she said later as they strolled through the park in the warm sunshine.

  ‘So long as it can be done in the next twenty-four hours then consider it done,’ he said. ‘Oh hang on, it’s not that bloody 21 Days again, we’ve seen it four times! I cannae honestly look at Laurence Olivier another time…anything else, I promise!’

  ‘Take me to a hotel,’ she said clearly and without any coquettishness.

  Ewan stopped and looked quizzically at her. ‘What? Why?’ Realisation dawning on him, he blinked at her in amazement.

  ‘Don’t you want to?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course I want to, Jesus, I think of very little else…but Juliet, we aren’t married, and we might never see each other again after today… Anything could happen and then you’d be…well…’ He couldn’t finish.

  ‘All the more reason, surely?’ Her voice was steady. ‘Look, you might die, I might die, we might find each other again, we might not, but surely what matters is now, right this minute. I love you, you love me, and we want to make love. It would be wrong to part and never do what we’ve both been craving for months, don’t you think?’

  ‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what to say…’

  ‘How about you and I walk over to the Grand Hotel, arm in arm like an old married couple – I even have a ring, in case they look. James bought it for me for our eighteenth, but if I turn it round, it looks just like a wedding band. Anyway, I’m sure they’re used to it by now. The Wrens are forever sloping off to hotels in the afternoons with all sorts.’

  They confidently approached the counter together. The fact that they had no luggage seemed not to perturb the receptionist a bit and calling the porter to escort Mr and Mrs McCrae to their room, she bid them a pleasant stay. Hand in hand they followed a balding, slightly stooped man up the stairs.

  The porter showed them to the room with a knowing smirk. ‘Will Miss, I mean Madam, be requiring anything else?’ he sneered suggestively.

  Ewan towered over the man, ‘No, I think she has everything she needs, isn’t that right, darling?’

  ‘Oh, absolutely everything I could possibly want or need,’ she replied in a mock sultry voice.

  They collapsed on the bed in gales of laughter as soon as the ferrety man left them alone.

  Propping himself up one elbow, Ewan gazed down into Juliet’s face.

  ‘So, here we are,’ he said, running his fingers through her blond hair. ‘We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.’ He was unusually hesitant.

  ‘Have you done this before?’ Juliet asked.

  Ewan smiled guiltily.

  ‘Yes, a few times. I’m older than you, remember? But never with anyone I loved before now and that’s the God’s honest truth.’

  She remembered Solange’s advice to be with someone experienced the first time, and she was glad. She wondered if she’d tell Solange about this – she probably would, but definitely in French. Imagine if Mrs Canty read the letter. The idea made her laugh.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.

  She told him about Solange and her advice, and he seemed relieved that she wasn’t flying in the face of all that she believed.

  ‘If I don’t come back for you, I’ll have to come back to meet this Solange. She sounds like one of a kind.’

  They began kissing, and she surprised herself by how bold she had become. She unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands over his tightly muscled torso. She had felt his skin before but never seen him naked and the sight of his broad smooth chest aroused her. Despite the throbbing longing in her own body, she wanted to enjoy him before he undressed her, so she could give her full attention to his perfect body. She kissed his chest and gently sucked and bit his nipples while he moaned in pleasure. She raked her nails gently on his skin, and she felt him shudder. Every time he made to remove her blouse or unbutton her skirt, she moved his hands away whispering, ‘Later.’ She removed his shoes and socks and glanced upwards to see him staring intensely at her as she undressed him. His dark blue eyes were fixed on her as she ran her hands up his long, muscled legs. She could see the shape of his erection through his clothes and her heart thumped with longing and anticipation as she opened his trousers. She heard him take a sharp intake of breath as her hand brushed against him. When he was naked, she sat back and just looked at him. She wanted to remember this image of him, knowing it would have to sustain her in the stretching emptiness of months, years, without him – maybe forever.

  Unable to remain passive any longer, Ewan took her in his arms and undressed her quickly, his urgency taking over. She clung to him, digging her nails into his back as she felt him enter her body. She felt a little pain but only for a second, and then waves of pleasure building – building to a crashing orgasm. She moaned and wrapped her arms and legs around his body as they rocked together, clinging t
o each other, whispering each other’s names over and over.

  Chapter 25

  ‘Solange, Dad, Mrs Canty, this is Ingrid!’

  Solange embraced Ingrid warmly, and Richard shook his son’s girlfriend’s hand. ‘You are very welcome to Dunderrig, Ingrid. I hope you enjoy your visit.’

  Mrs Canty was effusive, delighted to meet the mysterious Ingrid at last. ‘Well, you are very welcome, so you are. We’ve put you in the green room, James did the painting over the bed and there’s a lovely view over the harbour. Though ’tis the guest room, James and Juliet used to sit in the window when they were children watching for ships. And you brought the fine weather with you; if only ye could have brought Juliet too then everything would be grand.’ Mrs Canty’s eyes welled up at the mention of Juliet’s name.

  Ingrid looked a little overwhelmed at Mrs Canty’s emotional outburst.

  ‘Don’t mind me, Ingrid love, I’m just a mad old woman, but we haven’t seen her in so long. I get desperate lonely for her then, sure what she’s doing up in that place and them bloody Leftwaffles blowing them to bits whenever the notion takes them. Sure, we are demented with worry over her, still, Dr Richard is right, and he says bad news travels faster than good news, so we’d have heard if anything happened to her, but what in the name of God she’s doing up there at all I just don’t know.’

  At the mention of the Luftwaffe, or the ‘Leftwaffles’ as Mrs Canty called them, James glanced at Solange. The last thing they needed was an anti-German diatribe from Mrs Canty. James had explained the situation to Ingrid that no one in Dunderrig had the faintest idea that he was back in touch with Edith, and certainly nobody knew anything about Otto. Ingrid suggested at first that it might be better to tell the truth, but James had argued that it wasn’t that simple. He had to decide about his future first and then he would sit them down, if that was what was called for, and tell them the whole story.