by Lola StVil
At first
He ached for her
At first
He felt for her
At first
Then one day
He made dinner
(Not takeout)
Baked chicken and rice
The chicken had no
Taste
The rice had no
Salt
“How’s the food, Shay?”
He asked
“Amazing!”
I lied
He smiled
I smiled
Then we weren’t
Trio
Missing
Member
We were
Duo
We
Became
Us . . .
I Would Have Missed Her
And felt unwanted
Had it not been for him
He always made sure we were
Busy
Too
Busy
To be
Sad
Busy learning how to
Make:
Milk come out my nose
Play:
Perfect air guitar
Sing:
All-burp version of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”
Then Dad went on
Blind date
Her name was
Kara
She liked:
Carrots. Ballet. Yoga.
A N D
Breaking up families
Just a Few Short Months
After they met, he proposed
So . . . I “lost” my dad
A year before
I lost my dad
I am no one’s child.
What Does One Wear
To visit a grave?
Jeans and turtleneck
Red to match the roses I will bring
The ones he will never smell
Standing in Front of His Grave
My fantasy plays out:
His name is spelled wrong
It’s some kind of mystery
I become Sherlock
Solve the case
Discover
It’s all been a mistake
He is alive and well. I pore over his headstone
In search of an error
Here lies
Richard D. Summers
Beloved husband and father
Nothing is out of place
Except
Me
On the Way Back Home
Kara asks
What I want to do
Go to Dad’s favorite restaurant?
Watch old home movies?
Look through old albums?
Will that bring him back?
Her back stiffens
She bites lower lip and cries
She thinks I shot her with Spiteful Bullet
But that which
Rips through and cuts
Deeply was not born of
Cruelty but of hope
Odd
How
In the same breath
Live two different daughters
I am fully committed
To being angry at him for dying on me
I
Hate
Hate
Hate
Him
I want him back
I need him back
Beyond what words convey
I
Love
Love
Love
Him
Odd
How in the same breath
Live two different daughters
A Gift Basket
Awaits me at the front door. On top is a card written in
Positively perfect penmanship
Could not find sweet, sexy hottie
To send over to you.
So these treats and my love
Will have to do
—Dash
How Could I
Have given Dash such a blah intro?
He deserves so much more
Let me try again
This time in his own star-studded, jewel-encrusted words
Here is
Dash Montgomery!!! * * *
Dare to be honest
About who you really are
Say you don’t care when they reject you
Hope they focus on dazzle of shirt, not tear in eye
To Tell the Truth
I tried, but girl parts are just . . .
GROSS
My Dad
Spends minutes, hours, days searching
Photos, videos, flashbacks
Desperately seeking
The moment that turned me gay
A word spoken.
A gesture made.
A warning missed.
But where . . . ?
He looks for answers
In my
Eyes. Walk. Laugh.
He begs the gods to know why
I am
This way
I Kissed
Joel Martin in the laundry room of his mom’s house
His skin was soft and warm
He smelled like April Fresh fabric softener
And grape juice
The washing machine tumbled and rumbled
Thunder in my ears
My skin on his made currents
Travel from spine
To tips of toes
He pulled away
Said boys like me go to hell
I guess it was only right: I had already been
To heaven
Mom and Dad Fight
She says she loves me for me
He says he loves me too
If only . . .
My Love
I bring you home in brown bag
Sneak you to my room
Lock door, pull down shades, jump into bed
Pull covers over me; no one need view my private shame
How can a self-respecting gay kid love
Carburetors
Intake manifolds
Fuel lines?
Want to share my love
With Dad but can’t
He’d think he’d found
Hope
My Dad Keeps Trying to Fix Me
Why can’t I be broken?
Gambling
Mom brings chips
I bring soda
We vow to bring
Veggies next time
(We vowed that last time)
Heidi Klum is as always
Flawless
Mom says she could look that good
If she worked out more
I say she’d need surgery
She attacks with savage weapon: accent pillows with buttons
The designers, overwhelmed
Mom and me, overjoyed
The hopefuls create
Extraordinary gowns
We argue over:
Hemlines. Bustlines. Deadlines.
No way he can finish that beadwork in time.
Mom disagrees. We bet. Loser does dishes.
Mom thinks judges will love feather accent
I say no, they won’t
We bet. Loser cleans up.
Mom thinks dress is divine
I think it’s trash
We bet.
Loser forks over ten bucks.
It’s almost midnight
Can’t sleep
Have to
Scrub pots. Vacuum floor. Call Shay.
(Hope she has ten bucks)
Looking at Dash’s Gift
I know it’s only a matter of time before Boots comes by
I’m hoping she won’t
I need to get rest
Don’t feel like company
I have been able to keep
&
nbsp; Tears at bay with
Friends. Food. Fond memories of Dad.
And my secret weapon:
A text from Godot
Or so I hoped . . .
Stupid, Huh?
Well, it’s been hours and no text
My weapon has been taken away
With each tick of the clock
I am defenseless
An Hour Into
Drowning in the salty black sea
Of useless tears
My cell sings a song
Letting me know someone has texted . . .
Godotwait4me: You there? Hello?
notall2gether: Um hi
Godotwait4me: What’s wrong?
notall2gether: Who said something is wrong?
Godotwait4me: The 3 min pause is a great clue
notall2gether: Oh
Godotwait4me: So . . . what’s wrong?
notall2gether: Don’t want to talk about it. Want to run from it. Fast and far
Godotwait4me: I can make that happen. Where to?
notall2gether: Chile
Godotwait4me: Why?
notall2gether: What other country’s name means both weather and a delicious winter soup?
Godotwait4me: If that’s the case, I say we go to Turkey
notall2gether: Anywhere but here
Godotwait4me: Tell me something about you
notall2gether: Like what?
Godotwait4me: Something no one knows
notall2gether: I used to marry my socks
Godotwait4me: ???
notall2gether: When I was 5 I thought each sock needed to venture away from the pair it came with.
notall2gether: It’s like they were in an arranged marriage. I felt it was my job to allow them to be with whoever their hearts truly desired
Godotwait4me: So . . . red socks went with pale pink socks?
notall2gether: Red socks could be with blue or yellow socks. I was a very open-minded ruler
Godotwait4me: LMAO. How did you marry them?
notall2gether: Once they found their mate, I would wear the pair to school
Godotwait4me: You wore mismatched socks every day?
notall2gether: Just about
Godotwait4me: Bet you were popular
notall2gether: Yeah the kids called me names
Godotwait4me: What?
notall2gether: Well, I used to love reading out loud and I had the mismatch socks so . . . Reading Rainbow
Godotwait4me: Not laughing
notall2gether: Liar. I can hear you from here
Godotwait4me: Can’t type. Rolling on the floor
notall2gether: Hey, I brought a lot of couples together
Godotwait4me: I heard sock couples have the lowest divorce rate in the nation. Good job
notall2gether: I try
Godotwait4me: Too bad you couldn’t have worked your magic on my Mom and Dad. They’re getting a divorce
notall2gether: Sorry
Godotwait4me: Me too
notall2gether: I have a stepmom. Kara. Keep waiting for her to fall down a flight of stairs
Godotwait4me: You can’t just wish for a person’s death, Rain. You have to put some work into it. Tinker with the banister
notall2gether: You are right. I should be more proactive
Godotwait4me: Is your Dad mad that you two don’t get along?
notall2gether: He was. Not anymore. He died a year ago
Godotwait4me: Sorry
Godotwait4me: What about your mom?
notall2gether: I killed her.
Godotwait4me: Did they take you to prison? Did you get to wear orange jumpsuit and fight for soap?
notall2gether: I think they fight for cigarettes
Godotwait4me: Whatever, it’s still sexy.
notall2gether: Now I know what my next Halloween costume will be
Godotwait4me: Seriously though. Where’s Mom?
notall2gether: No idea.
Godotwait4me: She left you?
notall2gether: Ouch.
Godotwait4me: Sorry.
notall2gether: It’s cool. Mom was good with magic. Here today/gone the next.
Godotwait4me: I’d never go see her show if that’s how she treats you.
In fact, I’d burn down her whole act.
notall2gether: Aw, arson for me??
Godotwait4me: Damn right :)
notall2gether: Why did your parents divorce?
Godotwait4me: Dad got tired of being cheated on
notall2gether: Oh
Godotwait4me: Some guys just can’t handle a little adultery
notall2gether: How are you and your Mom?
Godotwait4me: She keeps doing things to piss me off
notall2gether: Like?
Godotwait4me: Breathing
notall2gether: Do I need to come over and tinker with your banister?
Godotwait4me: We don’t have a staircase but you should come over anyway
notall2gether: Why
Godotwait4me: So I can see the face of my fav matchmaker
notall2gether: It’s a normal face
Godotwait4me: Doubt it
notall2gether: Swear
Godotwait4me: Send pic
notall2gether: NO
Godotwait4me: Why
notall2gether: It’s late. Ttyl
Godotwait4me: K. Did I say something wrong?
notall2gether: No
Godotwait4me: Is it bc I called you Rain? It was stupid. Won’t tease you again.
notall2gether: I’ll text tomorrow.
Godotwait4me: Really?
notall2gether: Really. Btw Rain is kind of pretty
I Am NOT
Excited that Godot texted me
I am NOT in my room doing mental cartwheels
I am NOT squealing excitedly into my pillow
I am NOT writing this moment down
The Next Day
Share news with BFFs
Boots chokes on her fry
Dash does actual cartwheel
Later while headed to class
I spot crush Blake Harrison
I don’t feel guilty
About gawking
Just because I’m in
Heaven with Godot
Does not mean—can’t look down
Every now and then . . .
Blake more than a pretty face
Kelly made comment
About me in class
With no class
They laughed
He didn’t
Blake Harrison Is a Puzzle
Wonder how pretty I’d have to be
To get close enough
To solving him . . .
It’s Been a Few Days
And Godot and I speak
ALL the time
I am sure that other things are going on
People working, women giving birth
Concerts being held and new apps to download
But I could not care less
Boots on the other hand
Does not share my tunnel vision
She is forever nagging me about meeting Godot
In the real world
(Yeah, like I’d ruin the best thing ever)
Firetrash.com is now
Popular all over town
With users from
Neighboring schools
But Dash thinks
Godot may be someone from
Our school
Our school?
Ha! No way anyone as
Amazing as
Godot
Could come from our school
Boots suggests
The real Godot is
A billionaire’s son, a dashing young lord
A lonely rock star
But they don’t need to make up anything
Godotwait4me is a guy who likes talking to me
>
That’s more than enough
Aside From
My suddenly booming online social life there is the matter of the Halloween dance
It coats every conversation at school after school
And the dreams of everyone in White Noise
Boots is going with Dave Cuttler
I’m not sure she really likes him, but he has
William Shatner’s autograph, and, well
That’s all she needed to say yes
Dash Wants
To go with Sam
He’s had a crush on him since last year
He tries to work up to it every day
And every day he finds a reason not to
Today’s reason:
How can I even think about that right now
What with global warming?
Not Even Kara
Could dim my shine
Every time I get a text
From him I feel like
First rose to bloom
In spring
First sunny day after
Months of endless
Alaskan nights
My Sunny Disposition
Cannot blind me to what is happening
Boots is missing school more and more
Her headaches are coming more often
She tries to downplay it
Last week I caught her crying during
In-class movie
“Pain of migraine?” I asked
But she insisted movie got to her
But I don’t know anyone
Who would weep during
Tom Sawyer
Dash Notices Too
But she won’t allow us
To talk about it
We have yet to learn how to hide our fear
That she is getting worse
She doesn’t want us to worry
Yet another thing we have not learned
How to do
The Three of Us Go Out
To shop for things
We don’t need more of
Books. Magazines. Video games.
We enter a shady, smoky shop
Off Mont Street
They sell
What America needs more of
Cigarettes. Pipes. Porn.
As a joke I buy
A large picture book
Getting to Know the Female Body
For Dash
He squirms
We laugh
It is awesome
A Few Days Later
Dash’s dad finds it
He thinks it is a sign of hope
You Have to Tell Him
Are the words we keep shoving at Dash
He is less than receptive
His dad is finally proud
How can he give that up?
How can we make him?
I Remind
Him to ask Sam to the dance
He says today is not the day
Reason #104:
It’s bad luck to ask someone out on the third Wednesday of the month.
Dash reminds me
I have been avoiding something too
But there is no avoiding
I just won’t ever meet Godot
He won’t like me in person
Why bother?
In his head
I’m a thin, pretty starlet
