by KK Bauer
“Kind of. I guess I just want to know where we both stand.”
“And where do you stand?” She is prodding and I’m not sure I like it, though I started it.
“I have no idea,” I answer truthfully. “I want her, badly, but at the same time I know I’m not good enough for her. I constantly go back and forth and it’s fucking exhausting. Valentine’s Day was a couple days ago and we didn’t do anything, but I wanted to.”
Valentine’s Day was bullshit. Corey called her and tried to get back with her… again, but she turned him down… again. She called me after and complained. I was at a floral shop, considering getting her flowers. When she said ‘Valentine’s Day is a bunch of crap and I hate it’ I dropped the bouquet back into the water bucket and left the shop.
Liz’s smile widens and for the first time I notice a small gap in between her front teeth. “Then that is your goal for the week. To make up your mind. This might sound callous, but don’t put her feelings into consideration. Just, be selfish when you are thinking about it, and get back to me next week and we can go from there. Got it?”
Liz lets Aubrey back in and without a hiccup Liz begins a new topic. But I can’t get my mind off of everything we discussed. I hate how confusing everything is. How My hands are sweating and I run them down the sides of my jeans and watch Aubrey brazenly while she explains her grocery store experience.
The next day I have to leave for a three-day series away in South Carolina. The first time we had away games and I left Aubrey, she called me sobbing one night. I crept into the bathroom of my hotel room and talked with her about the game and what she did those past two days until she was calm. When I ended the call, the time on my phone said we talked for over an hour. I crawled back into bed and listened to my teammate in the bed next to mine snore.
This time she doesn’t call me at all, and I really wish she did because I had a big nightmare without her. This time, instead of being a flashback, it’s about them finding us and killing us in Aubrey’s house. When I get back into town I call her immediately. She doesn’t answer so I head to my apartment and unpack my bag. The nightmare is eating away at me, and if she doesn’t call me soon I am going to freak out. She doesn’t return my call until a few hours after, well after dinner.
“Hey, how was it?” She asks. “Did you have time to check out the beach?” the sound of her voice calms me, and the nightmare from the night before is long forgotten. She’s safe, I’m safe, and those animals are nowhere near us.
“No, we were stuck in the hotel the whole time when not at the field. We beat all three teams, though. Got first place,” I say, trying not to sound too proud because my double in the ninth caused the RBI that won it.
“That’s amazing! Have you had dinner yet?”
“Well, I munched on whatever stale snacks I had in the cupboard and stole a couple string cheese sticks from Josh. Does that constitute a meal?”
She giggles into the phone which makes me grin. “No, it sure doesn’t. I am makingspaghetti; you can come over if you want.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice, I’ll be there in a few.”
When I walk into her place I can smell the food immediately. My stomach growls in response and when I make my way into the kitchen, I see Aubrey dancing around with a wooden spoon in her hand and using it as a microphone. The radio is blaring in the corner and her homework is splattered all over the counter and kitchen table.
I sneak up behind her and she still doesn’t see me so I quickly wrap my arms around her waist and she shrieks and starts thrashing. “Get off me!” She yells and whacks me in the head with the spoon. I let her go and she turns, ready to strike again. The fear in her eyes is evident and a tear is already trickling down one of her cheeks. When she finally notices it’s me, she places a hand to her stomach and sighs.
“Jesus, Kellan, you scared me. Don’t do that!”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I forgot all about the accident for a moment. We were doing really well with the anxiety so it kind of slipped my mind. I rub the part of my forehead that she hit and wince. Bruising is inevitable. She got me good. “Remind me not to do that when you’re using a knife.”
“Well, you deserve it.” She pouts and returns to the stove to continue stirring the noodles in the pot. “It will be ready in a couple of minutes, can you grab the plates and stuff?”
The two of us move around the kitchen together flawlessly and I can’t help but wonder if moments like this are what normal couples do and enjoy. I can pinpoint her next move and plan mine accordingly, and we flow together without fault. I realize that I like it.
After dinner we stay in and watch a movie. I am barely concentrating on the TV though because I am too enamored with the way Aubrey laughs and smiles at the funny parts. I want to kiss her. I haven’t since that day a couple weeks ago when Corey called her. We’ve been polite and friendly to each other since, but nothing more. I hate it. I am starting to see just how important Aubrey is to me. I still have a couple days left before the session with Liz, but I already know.
I want her.
I know I can be good for her. I want to be good for her. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it. So now that I accomplished my weekly goal, I have to sit and wait until I can talk to Liz so she can tell me where to go from here. I can’t believe I am actually falling for this psychiatry bullshit. But considering Aubrey and I have been going for about a month and we’ve changed so much. There is still a lot more to fix but we are making great progress.
Aubrey falls asleep before the credits roll. I mute the TV and watch her for a while longer. She looks peaceful though I know better. When she didn’t call me while I was gone, I was upset. I want to take care of her. I want her to need me. I wonder if she called someone else or just rode through it herself. Her eyes suddenly shoot open and a small gasp escapes her lips.
“You okay?” I ask her.
She nods and lifts up off of the couch and rubs her eyes. “What time is it?”
I squint across the room and look at the clock on the DVR. “Just after midnight.” I have class in the morning and practice in the evenings, then the weekend off. Josh has been bugging me to go to the gym with him so I can watch him train and I’ve been putting it off. He has about a month left until his competition and he’s been tanning. I’ve been giving him shit about it, but he looks pretty good.
“Okay, I’m going to bed,” Aubrey yawns and stretches, her shirt riding up just enough for me to see her stomach. “What?” When I look up at her face, she is blushing slightly. She caught me checking her out and it embarrasses her.
I give her a wide grin and kiss her cheek. “Let’s go to sleep.”
19
Aubrey
Carlos grabs me by the wrists and licks my neck, leaving beer smelling spit on my skin. He nibbles my earlobe and groans in my ear when he brushes his lower half to mine. He has me pinned against the wall and my pants have been ripped off. They lie at my feet, in shreds.
Andres is in the corner watching as his friend gropes me thoroughly. He reaches his hand into the bowl and throws a few popcorn pieces into his mouth. It’s a fucking show for him and bile rises in my throat.
And like magic, my body freezes and I have no control over it. My arms stay up above my head and my legs slowly drift apart. I am squirming on the inside but on the outside I seem like I want it. Carlos runs his filthy paws down my front and lifts my shirt up and over, to drop it next to my torn pants. Next my bra and underwear goes and I am completely naked before these two men.
My feet start to walk toward the cot and though I am screaming inside, my body lies down and readily receives Carlos’. He thrusts inside me and the pain is unbearable. He makes sure that he leaves satisfied, and when I think I’m finally done being tortured, Andres replaces Carlos.
They take their turns on me repeatedly and I am stuck in a body I have no power over. I am alone, trapped in my shell, all while the men take what they want of my body. Andres pulls out an
d smacks me across the face.
“We own you, Aubrey. This,” he snarls and touches parts of my body, “is ours.”
I jerk forward in bed, sweat covering every inch of my body and my t-shirt soaked. Kellan is beside me with his hand on my arm, trying to comfort me. It’s the same damn dream over and over again. Sometimes Kellan is there, sometimes Andres is first, sometimes it takes place here in my home, and sometimes I can fight back only to be tortured more. There is no better nightmare, they are all equally horrifying.
“Come here,” Kellan whispers. I crawl onto his lap and he lightly brushes his fingers up and down my back, while whispering things in my ear. “It’s okay, baby, I’m here. It’s just me and you.” I see the faint streaks of light out my window so I know it’s near dawn.
My body is shaking and pulsing and I grit my teeth in anger. I hate Carlos and Andres. They can’t own me like that. I won’t let them. I need someone else to take that part of me away from them. I lean back and look at Kellan. I need him to be that person.
I crash into him, kissing him hard. At first he is astounded, but when he realizes what is going on, he responds. His boxers and my t-shirt and underwear are all that separate us. I rip off my shirt and toss it to the side and connect with him once again.
“What are you doing?” Kellan asks against my lips. I don’t respond. He knows what I’m doing. He asks again, only this time he pulls me away.
“Please, Kellan.” He looks torn. I can tell, and feel, that he wants this also, but his conscience is getting the better of him. “I need you,” I whisper.
He flips me onto my back and kisses me thoroughly. I grab at his boxers and tug them down and he helps me to get them off the rest of the way. I begin to rip my panties off but he places his hand over mine and stills me. His lips and tongue trail down my neck, over my breasts, down to my stomach.
His finger slowly lowers my underwear and I have to repeat Kellan’s name in my head so I know it is him and not Carlos or Andres. I lift my head and look down at him while he works his mouth down my thigh, pulling my lace panties with him.
When he hovers over me again, this time with nothing between us, I fight with everything I have to follow through with it. If I make him stop this time, I’m sure he will leave me.
“Are you sure, Aubrey?” Kellan asks, holding himself up on his elbows. I nod because I know my voice doesn’t work. “Tell me what you want.”
I clear my throat and whisper, “I want you inside me.”
With my words his breath shallows and his muscles twitch. He leans down and kisses me softly and slowly enters me. I gasp and begin analyzing the differences between Kellan and the other two men. Kellan’s touches are tender and loving but still have power behind them. Carlos and Andres touched me to dominate me, and without my permission. I force myself to concentrate on the different parts of this experience so I can try to enjoy myself.
Kellan continues to drive inside me as he affectionately kisses my face, neck and shoulders. I am acutely aware he isn’t wearing a condom and truthfully I don’t care. He has seen me take my birth control pill every night before bed, so I wonder if that is why he didn’t put one on. Or maybe he was just caught up in the moment. Don’t know, don’t care. I need this, need him to take back what Carlos and Andres stole.
He kisses my lips and stares into my eyes. Every time I blink, his face changes to Carlos’, then Andres’, then back to his. The panic begins to inflate in my chest and I cling to him. I bury my face into his neck and dig my nails into his back with my eyes tightly clasped shut. I feel the tears swell in my eyes and quickly drop. If I can get through this, they won’t own me anymore. Not this way.
“Aubrey, baby, look at me,” Kellan says. I begrudgingly let go of my death grip on him and look at him. He sees the tears pouring from my eyes and my jaw clenched and he stops his movementsbefore I clutch at his skin some more, needing him to touch me everywhere they did to erase their touch. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“
“No! Don’t stop. I need this, please.” He lowers his head to my chest to think. He is still inside me and I clench my muscles and rotate my hips a little, causing him to moan. “Please, Kellan.”
His resolve vanishes and he begins again. Maybe because the deed has essentially already been done, what is the point in stopping in the middle, right? That would have been my reasoning if he refused again.
I don’t speak again, I let him work in and out of me and when I feel him start to get close, I push images of Carlos and Andres aside and focus on Kellan. He starts to come inside me but realizes we don’t have protection. “Shit,” he curses and pulls out of me, making a mess in the process. He is breathing heavily and his forehead is rested between my breasts, his arms holding his body up at each of my sides.
He cranes his neck up to look at me. “I’m sorry.” About what? Letting it happen? Coming inside of me? Making a mess all over me and my sheets? All of the above?
“Don’t be.” I want to say it was perfect, but it wasn’t. Well, everything Kellan did was great, but my head wasn’t in it. I hoped once it began, all thoughts of what happened in Mexico would fade away and only Kellan would be left.
I am a horrible person. I just tainted the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Having sex with Kellan was supposed to be special but I ruined it by thinking that it could heal me when I wasn’t ready. I want to curl up and die at this realization. I rushed this amazing thing and now he won’t ever want to do it again with me. He will move on and leave me crushed, damaged, and used. I hope he doesn’t, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that would quit when things get hard. But maybe I don’t know him as much as I think.
I watch as Kellan grabs a towel and cleans me up. I want to ask him if he intends on telling Liz about this or if it will be our little secret. But I don’t want to bring it up, because I’m afraid if I tell him the real reason I was crying, he’d never want to do it again. So I stay quiet.
I have nobody to talk to about it. I have no girlfriends, and I’m certainly not talking to my mother about it. But I need to tell somebody. I’ve been freaking about it for the last few days. I don’t have an appointment with Liz until Tuesday, which is another five days away. I fidget in the seat of my car and stare at the house before me. I backed out about three times on the way here, but when I pulled onto my street I ended up passing my house and turning back around to come here.
I step out and look around the parking lot. There are about ten Volkswagen Beetles in the lot, all with flowers in the vases and personalized license plates. I see MJ’s car at the end of the row and sigh in relief, though that isn’t a true indication that she is here. I walk around the house to the front door and knock. The huge brick building before me is daunting. I don’t know any of these girls, but I’m going to try and enter their precious home.
I hear laughter on the other side and the wide door swings open. Two girls smile at me, and for a moment I think they are twins. They both have long straight brown hair and brown eyes. They are the same height and same weight.
“Hi! Can we help you?” Girl on the right asks.
“Oh, um, I’m here to see MJ, if she is here.” I toy with the strap of my purse and smile nervously at them.
“Yeah, she’s here. We just saw her in her room. Come on in, I’m Heather and this is Lorena,” she says nicely and looks at me expectantly.
“Oh, I’m AJ, her cousin.” Lorena’s eyes widen and her mouth morphs into a perfect O.
Heather keeps smiling but I can tell she is uncomfortable now. They lead me up the stairs and down a long hallway into a bright yellow room on the right. I see MJ sitting at her computer on the desk pushed against the wall and her roommate lounging on her bed. There are photographs taped everywhere and a huge pink shag rug in the center of the room.
Lorena clears her throat loudly and MJ looks up. “Oh my God, AJ!” She stands quickly and her chair shoots back and snags on the rug, tipping over. “What are you doing here?�
��
“I came to talk to you, but, I should have just called, I’m sorry,” I turn to leave the room but Heather and Lorena are still there.
“No, please stay. I want to talk to you, too.” She gives her roommate a pointed look and the girl rolls her eyes but gets up and leaves the room with Heather and Lorena. MJ picks up the chair and scoots it to me, gesturing for me to sit. So I do.
“First, I want to apologize. I am so sorry that you went through that. It’s partially my fault; I shouldn’t have dragged you on that trip. I should have known you wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”
“What?” Seriously, what?
“I mean, it was just too much stress on you, and with Cara there, it seemed like you were one margarita away from blowing up.” Is she being serious? She’s being fucking serious.
“Oh, my God, MJ. Really? You think that me getting kidnapped and raped and beaten was because I couldn’t handle your slut of a friend on a weeklong trip? That’s absurd.” I cross my arms over my chest and snarl at her.
“Listen, AJ. I know what happened. Cara told me everything. I saw you and Kel on the news and in the papers. I know.”
“So? Who gives a shit about what Cara said, or what the reporters put in their stories! I am your cousin and you are apologizing to me because you think I’m some kind of fragile lunatic. Fuck you, MJ!”
“Hey!” She shouts back, clearly offended at my attack. “I tried to talk to you for almost two months after you got back, but you haven’t been returning my calls or anything. You can’t blame me for not knowing what you went through. You won’t talk to me! I miss you,” She adds softly.
“No, you don’t. You miss being able to control me and use me.” I can’t believe I am standing up for myself. Kellan must have really done wonders on me because I know I wouldn’t have been doing this if it weren’t for him.
“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t use you!”
