by KK Bauer
The ball speeds toward him and I hear a crack before my eyes register that he swung. I look around in the sky for it and stand up in anticipation when I spot it. It disappears behind the wall, just a few feet from the foul line. I start jumping up and down and clapping but I am drowned out by the rest of the crowd.
As he rounds third to come home, his teammates are all standing around waiting for him. He jogs into home and high fives all of them and makes his way toward the dugout- toward me. He is smiling as he looks up and winks at me.
I give him a cheesy grin which makes him laugh and he hops down into the dugout and out of sight. Watching him make that homerun gave me a boost of adrenaline causing me to shake uncontrollably, and I know if I try to move from this spot I will end up hurting myself like the klutz I am.
“Mmhmm, that’s what I thought,” Heather teases. When I whip my head to look at her questioningly, she rolls her eyes and sighs. “Fine I’ll tell you! Jeez, you can be so clueless. This area is traditionally reserved for the girlfriends.” She smirks so large that dimples form.
“But you guys are sitting here, and when I was dating Corey I never sat here,” I say, confused.
Lorena shrugs and adds, “Yeah, but the fact that Kel asked you to sit here speaks volumes.” I scrunch my nose in denial.
“Are you that dense, AJ? The guy likes you. Bad.” Heather snips and I hear a little jealousy woven into her words. Every girl I’ve ever met wants Kellan even if they won’t admit it.
He likes me, so what? We’ve hooked up a few times, I would hope he likes me just for that fact. The first time we did it, it was awful. I was still damaged. But after I cleared my heart by speaking to MJ, it was like a string snapped and all my anxiety disappeared. I felt confident, safe, and happy. Very happy.
Since then, Carlos and Andres haven’t popped up into my head when Kellan touches me. It’s just me and him. I never thought I could change so suddenly, like a light switch. Maybe Liz has helped a lot and all it took was some closure from a stressful time to snap me out of it. This is definitely something Liz needs to know about, minus the sex part. It’s awkward to talk to her about that, she’s my mom’s age.
I faintly notice the people around me cheering and standing up to leave. The players are lining up and highfiving the other team in a row and exiting the field. Heather and Lorena are at the end of the bleacher and waiting for me to figure it out. The game is over.
“Earth to AJ?” Heather jokes. “You coming?”
I bolt up on my feet and shimmy down the row to the stairs. As I turn to leave the stadium I hear my name over the hum of the crowd. As I flip around I see Kellan at the foul line.
“Hey, see you at home?” He asks, hope laced in his voice.
I smile and nod, not wanting to yell across the impatient people behind me in the aisle. As I say goodbye to Heather and Lorena and follow the herd to the parking lot, I think about what the girls said. I plop down into my driver’s seat and crank the car. The music blares through the car and I turn it down. This car ride deserves some serious thinking, and I very well can’t do that with the volume at its max.
As I sit in traffic waiting to exit the lot, I replay in my mind all the looks and smiles Kellan gave me tonight. I try and think back further, seeing if there were any clues before tonight. Our relationship is so effortless I never even noticed anything was different. But there was. I see it now and it baffles me. What does he want? More? I’m completely content with how things are now.
After I had my epiphany when I talked to MJ, I felt better. I wasn’t bogged down with stress or grief or even anxiety. There are a few times still when I feel afraid and I still have nightmares ever so often, but I’ve improved so much. I almost feel back to normal.
Before I know it, I’m walking into my house and slipping into the shower. Since I didn’t get my eardrum-blowing session in my car, I decide to do it there. My iPod blares from its position on the bathroom counter after I select Lady Gaga. I need some angst.
I let the questions about Kellan wash down the drain with the water and I spend some extra time washing my hair, massaging my scalp until it stings. I grab the knob and turn it, effectively shutting off the water.
“Shit,” I mutter. I forgot a towel. I stand in the shower and swipe at the water droplets on my skin, trying to knock them off. I twist my hair and squeeze out as much water as I can. I tiptoe out of the tub and to the door. I tiptoe down the hallway toward the linen closet and shimmy my hips to the music that is still blasting through the bathroom. I stick my head into the closet and grab my favorite fluffy bath towel then shut the tiny door only to see Kellan standing on the other side of it.
“Kellan!” I scream. I smack him in the chest and drop the towel in the process. “You scared me.” I bend down to pick up the towel and wrap it around me. I look up at him and he hasn’t said anything yet. There is definitely a fire in his eyes and I see that look again.
He lifts his arm and extends his hand out to me. I hesitantly take it and still without a word he pulls me into the bedroom and shuts the door. I’ve never been looked at like the way he is looking at me now. It makes me nervous. He lays me down on the bed and kisses me so passionately I want to cry. He runs his hands over me, not in a dominating way but like he is worshipping me.
If I thought his kiss earlier made me want to cry, I should have prepared for this. As he enters me and makes love to me, I actually cry. Not an ugly sob or anything, but a couple tears force their way down my cheeks. It’s beautiful the way he is treating me at this moment. I feel adored and cherished; and I cry again.
As we sit on the little couch in Liz’s office, the therapist across from us is eying us suspiciously.
“Aubrey, how are you feeling?”
“Great, actually. I talked to MJ and I told her off.” I smile at the memory. It felt amazing.
“Really? Will you tell me what happened?”
As I sit there and go through what was said, Liz smiles and nods every once in a while. I proceed to tell her that my anxiety has dwindled and nightmares are almost nonexistent now. I leave out the part about Kellan and me, even though I’m pretty sure he is a main reason I’m coping so well.
Liz turns to Kellan and asks him about his goal. He twitches a little in his seat and glances at me quickly before answering. “Yeah, I did it.”
“And?” Liz prods.
“And, um…” He looks uncomfortable and I’m super curious because I never knew what his goal was.
“Oh!” Liz flinches and continues. “I’m sorry I totally forgot this was a solo goal. Um, Aubrey?” She smiles expectantly at me so I nod uncomfortably and exit the office. As I sit in the hallway, I itch to know what is going on in there. I press my ear to the door but all I hear are faint mumbled noises, damn. I wish I had crazy good hearing so I can hear what they are talking about. I feel like it’s taking forever before Liz cracks the door open and lets me back in.
“Kellan and I have been discussing a few things, and we brought up MJ. Do you think you’ll ever be friends with her again?”
My eyes avert to the ground and I stare at the brown and green speckled carpet, trying to find a design of any kind in the random pattern. Right when I see what looks like Charlie Brown’s head, Liz clears her throat. I jump to attention and stutter. I forgot what she asked.
“Will you be friends with her ever again?”
I thought for a few moments. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so. She hasn’t been my friend for years. If I never talk to her again that would be fine with me.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“Because if it wasn’t for her I would have never been taken,” I blurt out. Holy shit, that isn’t how I feel at all! “Wait, I really don’t mean that. I’m just still upset at how she reacted, that’s all.”
“Aubrey, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even if it is a round-about way, you are correct.” We both notice Kellan fuming beside me. “Kellan, do you have something to add?
”
He licks his lips before speaking. He turns his body to look me dead in the eye as he speaks. “I think it’s bullshit that you think she is a part of this at all. So what that she forced you to go to Mexico? You might resent her for that, but I don’t. I am thankful for it.”
“What?” I shriek. “You’re thankful that everything happened?”
“If it wasn’t for her, we would have never met. Granted, the shit in Mexico we could have gone without, but it made us closer. I can’t hate MJ for taking you to Mexico because she brought you to me.” He is frowning and his voice is firm but the words coming out of his mouth are heartfelt. “These last few days have been fucking amazing and if you think that MJ didn’t play a role in it you are sadly mistaken.”
“What was so different about the last few days? Oh, you like that we screw around now? Is that what makes this so special? I forgot, you’re a guy and you like fucking girls. If I knew how happy you’d be about it I would have done it a long time ago,” I spit sarcastically.
“Oh, my God, Aubrey, you don’t get it at all!” He throws his hands up in the air and slumps down in the couch. “This is bullshit.”
“Quit being like that, why don’t you just-“ I stop yelling when I hear Liz clear her throat. I completely forgot she was in the room with us, and judging by the look on Kellan’s face, he did as well. I’m sure we both were hoping to keep our new active relationship a secret.
“Okay,” Liz smiles awkwardly. “Why don’t we just take some deep breaths before we get back into this, alright?” She gives us a minute to calm down. “Aubrey, do you not like the way your relationship with Kellan is going?”
“No, it’s not that. I like it the way it is now.”
“So, you are fine being just friends?” I can see where this is going and I want her to stay the hell out of it.
“Yes. At first I wasn’t but now I understand that going further will only add more stress.”
“You don’t know that,” Liz adds.
“It’s possible. And what if we start to hate each other?”
“I don’t think that will be the case,” she smiles.
“But you don’t know! Nobody knows. And I’m worried that the reason we are so close is because of the shit we went through together. You told us before that people that suffer tragedy together tend to get close, what if everything we went through becomes a part of the past and we lose our connection?”
“Kellan, what do you think?” Liz turns in her chair and it squeaks a little. I hate her. I wish she would just stay out of it. She is a PTSD specialist, not fucking Dear Abby. She’s only going to make it more complicated. Which our relationship is already one big clusterfuck, adding more to it would just be ridiculous.
“I will always be connected to her, no matter how she feels or what she thinks,” he says somberly. He pivots so he is completely facing me. He looks pissed. “You really just want to be friends? You are so confusing… you do realize we act like a couple, right? Everything we do is what boyfriends and girlfriends do. You say you want one thing but you act entirely different!”
“So do you! Why don’t you just make up your mind?”
“I have and I don’t want to be friends.” He is still looking at me like he’s super angry at me.
“Well, by the look on your face it sure doesn’t seem like it.”
He throws his hands up in defeat. “I’m frustrated. You don’t understand how much of a roller coaster this is! It isn’t healthy and even though I’m pissed right now, it isn’t necessarily at you. It’s at how you’re acting.”
“That’s a load of crap, Kellan! I’m not acting any different than you are. We are both roller coasters and you know it. You just want to be with me right now because of our new side activity.”
“No, I want to be with you because I love you!”
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. My heart jumps out of my chest and falls to my feet where it lays there and struggles to beat. He loves me? There is no way. We haven’t… we aren’t… we don’t… shit, I’m so confused. I feel the intense heat leave my cheeks and suddenly I’m very cold. I don’t hear what Liz is saying to me but I’m sure it’s along the lines of ‘breathe’ and ‘don’t panic.’ I need to leave. I bolt out of the room, fleeing the scene. I need to leave. I can’t be in there anymore.
22
Kellan
I race after Aubrey even though I know she needs time. I dropped a bomb on her. I knew that one of two conclusions would come out of me telling her. One- she freaks out in a good way and returns my sentiment. Two- what just happened. I was clearly hoping for option one.
I catch up to her on the sidewalk and grab her arm. Her cell phone that was in her hand flies out and skids across the sidewalk.
“Dammit, Kellan!” She refuses to turn and look at me. I spin her around and grab her chin so she is forced to look at me. “Let me go, I can’t… I can’t do this.”
“I’m sorry I did that in there. It wasn’t the time or place.” I really should have waited, but it just came out. Our emotions were so built up that I knew things would be said that shouldn’t. Fuck therapy, it does crazy shit to people. My grip on her chin lessens slightly but my arm goes around her waist to prevent her from bolting.
“Kel, I don’t know what to say.” I gulp loudly. She called me Kel. This isn’t good.
“You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t expect you to; I didn’t even really want to say it.” I laugh though nothing about this is funny.
She flinches back a little. “Then why did you say it if you didn’t mean it? I thought we discussed this.”
“Aubrey, I mean it. I do. But I was hoping to wait and say it to you when we were both ready. Clearly, you weren’t.” I realize I am rubbing my hand up and down her back, and she isn’t pushing me away. I take that as a good sign. Maybe I can talk my way into keeping her here with me.
“But, we aren’t dating or anything. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Think about it. We’ve been inseparable since we came back. Even though we don’t have titles or anything, I take our relationship very seriously. I haven’t wanted to touch a girl since we came back. That means something, doesn’t it?”
“I guess. And I haven’t wanted anyone else, either. But-“
“No, no buts. We are great together, you know that, right? You feel it, too. It has nothing to do with the accident, or MJ, or anyone else but us. I haven’t felt so… right with anyone else but you. It’s got to mean something.” Jesus, we were having this conversation in the fucking street, with people walking around us and everything. I watch as a young woman basically eye fucks me as she passes. She smirks and licks her lips seductively. I want to tell her to fuck off but I keep my attention on Aubrey, where it belongs.
“I… I know… but,” she says forcefully, “all those other things you left out of the equation are a part of it, and they can’t be left out. They just can’t, Kel.”
“Don’t. Don’t call me that,” I say painfully. “Please.”
“Sorry,” she whispers. I can see the tears beginning to swell up in her eyes and I take advantage like the selfish prick that I am.
“Aubrey,” I say her name with all the passion I have for her. I grab her cheeks in my hands and lean in to her face so I’m so close to her. All she has to do is rise on her toes and we’ll be kissing. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I can’t. If you want me to take it back then I will. I will do whatever you need from me.”
“I don’t want you to take it back.”
Hope surges through my chest. “Okay,” I breathe. “I understand if you don’t love me back. I know it’s crazy to think that, but if you want to be with me and see where this goes, stay. Stay with me.”
The next few seconds are the longest seconds ever recorded. So many different emotions run through me in this time that I am pretty sure I am going to hyperventilate and collapse here on the sidewalk. I stare at her, willing her to stay. That’s all I am asking of her
.
She seems to be contemplating it. I can see her hesitate and I don’t know if that is good or bad. Her chin quivers slightly and I see the fear in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says so lightly I can barely hear her.
“No. Please, no. Don’t leave me. We need each other.” I’m becoming desperate. I never ever thought I’d be that guy, and now I know why I waited this long to feel like this. It fucking sucks.
She closes her eyes and tears trail down her cheeks and hit my hands, soaking through. She lightly touches her fingertips to my hands and pulls them off of her cheeks. She lets out a breath and opens her eyes.
“I have to go. I can’t.” My arms drop to my sides and I watch her walk a few steps backward and she picks up her phone. She begins to disappear down the street but I know how far her house is from here. I run after her. Again, for the second time today.
“Let me drive you home. You can’t walk that far,” I say as I stride up beside her. If I can’t be with her, I can sure be there for her.
“You have to be at the field soon. You might already be late.”
“I don’t care. You are more important than some stupid baseball game. Just let me take you home.” I start to grab her hand but hesitate and drop mine. I need to remember that I can’t do that kind of stuff anymore, now when she’s acting like this. One false move and she runs. For good. I still have time, I can tell. The way she hesitates at everything, I know she is torn. She isn’t one hundred percent on leaving me yet.
She stops and finally says, “Okay.”
We climb into my car and I’m stunned how different the drive there was to this one. We ride in silence the whole way. When I roll up to her house I set the car in park and look over to her. She has her seatbelt already unbuckled and her grip on the door handle.
