The Bond That Built Us

by KK Bauer

  “Aubrey, listen. I don’t want us to stop seeing each other. I like spending time with you. I don’t want to stop just because of my big mouth.” I dare my hand to grab hers and when it accepts the dare and she doesn’t resist, I feel it all the way to my core.

  “I just need to think. I like being with you too but maybe we are spending way too much time together. We need space, don’t you think?”

  “No,” I say bluntly.

  “We do, Kel. It’s not healthy.” She starts to pull away but I grip her hand tighter and pull her close to me. We are both leaning over the console and I caress her hair, letting my fingers slide through the strands. “Don’t…”

  I kiss her before she can finish telling me no. She kisses me back but it’s different than any of our others. It has a sort of finality to it and I know this is her saying goodbye. I know that I should stop but if this is the last time I get to kiss her for a while, or ever, I’m going to take advantage. Unfortunately for me, she breaks it off before I’m satisfied.

  “Goodbye, Kellan,” she whispers and slides out of the seat and shuts the door that now separates us. I wait to drive off until I see her enter her house. I drive to the field, twenty minutes late. I grab my bag out of the back seat and run into the locker room to change.

  It’s obvious to the guys that I’m… depressed. They said as much. One brings up Aubrey and I get defensive and snap at him.

  “Woah, a little touchy are we?” Garrison smirks. He has always been the shit starter of the team. I’ve never been on the other side of it, just on the sidelines, until now. “How is Aubrey doing? Still a little firecracker? I’ve had some wicked dreams about her-“

  I grab him by his shirt and shove him against the lockers before he can finish his sentence. That seals my fate. They know my mood is about her now. Most of them drop it, not wanting to get involved in girl drama, but a few throw a few more digs at me. Corey glares at me from across the room and I want to rush over there and punch him in the fucking nose. What did he do to get her? And why did he fuck it up and let her think he cheated? If I were him I wouldn’t let her go. But really, what am I doing now? She has a sick belief that us being together will ruin everything, but she’s willing to cut ties with me to save us? She makes no sense. Should I let her be and risk losing her or should I fight for her like Corey should have? Which would win her back? Too many damn questions with no answers.

  I end up being so distracted I strike out twice and my third time at bat I fly out to center, the ball soaring straight to the outfielder. We lose two to one because I let the ball roll right past me in the seventh inning, effectively driving in the guy on second. I know I’m going to get ripped a new asshole by Coach because of that one.

  I endure said ass-ripping and take a quick shower, then call Aubrey when I get into my car. I hope she lets me come over, even if it is just to sleep. I haven’t slept in my own bed in months. It will be awkward to say the least.

  Her voicemail picks up and I growl before hitting the end button and throwing my phone onto the passenger seat. I drive to my apartment and sit in my car for a few minutes, wondering if maybe she was in the shower or something and couldn’t answer. After ten minutes, I know this isn’t the case. She isn’t answering on purpose.

  I schlep up the stairs and fiddle with my keys. I swing the door open and flip on the light only to see Josh and MJ going at it on the couch.

  “Fuck!” I yell and slap my hand over my eyes and turn toward the wall. I hear MJ squeal and run down the hall into the bathroom. The door shuts hard behind her and she is fuming in the small space, huffing and puffing about something.

  Josh just chuckles and says, “In the clear now, Kel.” I slowly turn to see Josh still on the couch with a blanket over his lower half. I cringe and shiver a little and storm into my room. I can hear MJ whisper-shouting at Josh and it makes me laugh a little when she says the reason she is upset is because the position they were in makes her look like a fat cow.

  But seeing them together makes me think of Aubrey.

  I sink into my bed and the cold sheets feel foreign and unwelcoming. This bed used to be where I would crash every night, bring girls back, and take small naps between finals. Now it’s just a bed. I snatch out my phone from my pocket and stare at the screen. Aubrey still hasn’t called back. I send her a text just in case.

  How are you doing?

  It seems like an innocent enough text. A lot better than the creepy I wish I was in bed with you text I want to type out. My phone beeps and I inhale sharply to see Aubrey’s name and beautiful face on the screen. I remember taking one photo when we first got back, when she was still sad. She told me it made her look like she was in an emo music video. Her eyes have no light behind them, and she’s sitting on the couch curled up in a ball.

  The one that I am looking at how was from the morning after we had sex the second time. The time when she didn’t cry.I had grabbed my phone to turn off my alarm and she bolted up in a sitting position, clearly startled. Her hair fell down around her face and she looked down at me and smiled. I quickly hit the camera button and took the photo before she could realize. It’s clearly a sexy ‘bed’ photo. I had left my phone on a bench in the locker room one day and she called me while a bunch of my teammates were around. They saw it and flipped out. I wanted to change it so only I can see it but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  I click on the message icon and see what she sent back.

  Fine. How was the game?

  Not good. We lost.

  A minute goes by before she texts back. That sucks. I guess you can’t win them all.

  Ain’t that the truth!Are you going to be okay tonight? Need me to come over? It was a desperate plea but I am a desperate man.

  No I’ll be okay. Goodnight Kel.

  I can’t sleep at all tonight. I keep checking my phone hoping she changed her mind or she had a nightmare and wants me to comfort her like old times. No such luck. My alarm goes off and I slowly get up and dressed for the day. I know Aubrey has a huge paper due this week so I make a plan to leave her be until the weekend.

  We walked out of Liz’s office without setting up an appointment for the next week so I’m not surprised when Liz’s secretary calls me.

  “Okay, Mr. McCabe. Aubrey’s appointment is on Thursday of next week, would you like to do yours on Wednesday? I have the afternoon open. Or any time before two on Friday.”

  I’m stunned. Aubrey wants to go to therapy alone now. I can’t believe it. I set up an appointment even though I’m not even really sure of the time and date. I wonder how things will be there now that we will be separate. I know Liz can’t talk about her sessions with Aubrey to me but we are connected so it is going to make for a confusing hour, that’s for sure.

  Saturday night I call Aubrey and leave a message. I tell her that I miss her and would like to meet up for lunch or something soon. By Monday morning I know I won’t get a response from her. The weekend was awful to say the least. My bed wasn’t warm or soft enough, MJ was always over and complaining, and Josh didn’t have any good food in the kitchen.

  I let the whole week pass in a daze, I miss my appointment with Liz because I don’t feel like going and I don’t know when it is. Two reasonable excuses. Practices are better and I can actually focus on them. My last semester as an architect undergrad is extremely difficult, especially with baseball thrown in the mix. I cannot afford to slack on my schooling any more.

  Since Aubrey isn’t talking to me anymore, I drown myself into my senior project. It isn’t due until the end of the year but I’ve heard from past students and professors alike that this project will take months. The rest of my classes are fucking cake walks.

  It’s almost midnight and I am packing up my stuff from the library to head home when I see Cara streak past me. Thankfully she doesn’t see me and she walks away from me and straight toward Corey, who is a few tables down from me. I scurry behind a plant because clearly it will hide me from my covert spying. I
roll my eyes at my awful attempt at being stealthy and pull out my phone to pretend to text.

  I peer up through my eyelashes and watch them as they interact. Cara is standing behind him and has her hand on his chest, leaning over his shoulder and whispering in his ear. He perks up and stands to face her with his back to me. I can’t see or hear anything in my position so in a split second decision I dash to the next plant against the wall. Now I can see most of Cara’s face. A group of people in the table beside me are looking at me awkwardly. I lift a finger to my lips and the girl of the group laughs and nods.

  What’s great about my new plant is I can hear a little better.

  “Come on, Corey. Do you realize how easy this will be? Everything is basically done for you, you just need to take that final step. I know you can do it. Please, do it for me?” Cara’s pleading voice matches her expression. Her bottom lip is stuck out and her puppy dog eyes are no match for poor Corey.

  “I still don’t know why you want me to do this, but I’ll do anything for you, baby.” His hand travels across her waist and to her back where he pulls her in to kiss her. It gets inappropriate quickly and I rush off before I’m caught.

  The whole walk home I try and decipher what they were talking about, but I come up short every time. I get to the apartment and crash onto my bed without taking off my shoes. I still haven’t heard back from any of the firms I applied to and the stress of not having anything lined up before graduation is sucking the life out of me.

  23

  Aubrey

  I don’t see Kellan for three weeks. I thought about him every day, especially during spring break. We talked about plans to go do something together and now that it came and went, I’m bummed that I am not talking to him. I really don’t know why, either. He said he loved me, so what? Why is that so hard to grasp? I ran away from my fears, my problems, and my happiness. I’m a fucking coward.

  I can’t begin to count how many times I pick up my phone and my finger hovers over his number, ready to call him. I miss him, a lot. But I can’t bring myself to talk to him.

  Now that I don’t hang out with him every night like I used to, the book club has consumed my life. I over-excel a little too much, and the girls in the group hate me. I can tell. I’m always emailing and asking thought-provoking questions to the group while we are supposed to be reading a book that I finished on day two. I ended up joining another book club that meets bi-weekly for those quick readers like me. They are a little more my speed. Nothing says loser like reading for ten hours straight and getting excited about meeting to talk about it.

  My life officially sucks without Kellan.

  I’m standing at the entrance of the baseball field with Heather, digging my heels into the concrete as she drags me inside. After weeks of nagging she finally convinced me to come to a game, much to my chagrin. A cold sweat breaks on my back and forehead as she shoves me down on the same bench as the last time.

  “What, are you crazy?” I snap. I jump up and try to escape but she intercepts me and literally throws me down.

  “You will stay, AJ. I’m fucking serious. I will beat the shit out of you if you leave.” Big words coming from such a small girl, but I don’t doubt that she could. I have a couple inches on her but she grew up with three older brothers. It’s safe to say I am afraid of her. Especially when she has that look on her face like she does now.

  I spin on my butt and face the diamond in front of me. I have the urge to pee but I know if I ask now she won’t let me go, so I just fidget a little and hold it in. To keep my mind at bay, I peruse the stands to look at the people herding in. My eyes stop at Cara who is a few rows behind me, eying me like I’m prey. I pretend not to notice her and keep looking around until finally turning back forward.

  The panic in my chest is pounding and I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. A lot of good that does me because I hear my name being called out from the field.

  “AJ! Hey, over here!” Corey is standing in the dirt, waving his arms to get my attention.

  I smile weakly at him and lift my arm up. I don’t put any effort into wiggling my fingers or waving my hand at all. Just a small acknowledgment is all he’s going to get.

  “AJ! Come down here for a sec,” he nods and waves me down the aisle. I hesitantly stand and make my way over to him. When just a short wall and a fence separate us, he speaks.

  “I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been wanting to ask you out to dinner or something, but I always get nervous to call you.”

  I look at him and wait for him to continue but he doesn’t. Oh, he wants me to reply? Um… I have no idea what to say.

  “And?” I finally sputter out.

  “And… um… well, do you want to do dinner sometime?” He throws his most charming smile at me, the one that used to make me melt and give in. Not now, not anymore.

  “I don’t think so, Corey. I’m sorry.”

  He looks stunned, like my answer surprises him. “What? You’re serious? Come on, AJ, we were great together and you know it. And you and Kel broke up…”

  “Kellan and I were never together so there was no ‘breaking up’ to be had. And since when does that change the fact that I’m not interested? It doesn’t. I’m not interested,” I say flatly and storm back up to my spot. The nerve… I glance at Cara right before sitting down and see that she is glaring at Corey. Do they know each other?

  “What the hell was that?” Heather whispers in my ear.

  “Nothing, just a jackass expecting some action.” I grip the edge of the bench and dig my fingernails into the metal slab. The truth is that Corey and I were great together, but I wasn’t really me when we were dating. I could have been great for anybody because I did anything and everything they wanted, no matter what I thought. I was a doormat. I am not going back to that girl, ever. I finally got over MJ and now the old me is back. For good.

  “Poor Kel,” Heather sighs beside me.

  “What?” I snap to attention and look at her.

  She nods her head toward the field and frowns. “He looks so heartbroken. Look at him.”

  I don’t want to. I haven’t seen him in almost a month. My heart flutters to attention and my stomach drops to the floor. I swallow hard and slowly turn to look at him. He has his uniform on and a bat in one hand. He is staring at me with the saddest expression. It tugs on my heartstrings and a sob bubbles to the surface.

  My hand slaps over my nose and mouth to cover whatever pathetic and embarrassing noise is inevitably going to escape. Why did I come here? I knew he was going to be playing and I came anyway. I am a fucking masochist.

  I can’t tear my eyes away from his face. Even though my body is basically going into shock, we can’t look away from each other. My eyes are glazing over with fresh tears and just the sight of him brings my body into overdrive. Finally someone grabs his attention and he breaks the connection. Corey struts out of the dugout and reaches for Kellan’s arm. He says something to him and Kellan flinches and jerks his arm back.

  He looks at me one more time, only this time the sadness is blended in with disappointment. I can read him so well now. I can tell he wants to talk to me so I shake my head slightly. His eyes shut momentarily before he rushes into the dugout.

  “What happened between you two?” Heather asks shyly. I told her that Kellan and I aren’t friends anymore, but I refuse to say anything else. What we had is and always will be between us, no matter how good of a friend Heather is to me now.

  “I just… don’t want to be around when he realizes I’m no good.”

  “AJ,” she sighs. “You are good. You are. You can’t keep bringing yourself down like that, if Kel thinks you’re wonderful, then that’s what you are. You are both miserable. I’m not sure what really happened since you won’t tell me, but I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” She rests a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “I wish you’d tell me.”

  “I can’t. It’s too painful.” I can’t look at her no
w, I’m going to spill it all and cry in front of everyone. So I bottle it up and keep my eyes on the baseball field in front of me.

  The entire game Kellan doesn’t look at me again. I’m near tears the whole time, just one second away from another breakdown. Luckily I wait until I get home to become a blubbering hysterical mess. I collapse on my bed, the one that we both slept on, made love on, and talked for hours on. Even though it’s been weeks, I can still smell him in my room. I’ve washed the sheets clean of him but they still hold his scent. I rip the sheets off again and fall onto my bare mattress and cry until I fall asleep.

  Sessions with Liz have been unsuccessful. Without Kellan I have relapsed back into the anxiety and a few nightmares, and Liz has not been helpful at all. It’s obvious she has a soft spot for Kellan because he is all she wants to talk about when we meet. This is basically how it goes every time-

  “Have you talked to Kellan lately?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because fuck you, that’s why not.”

  Yep. Definitely not my brightest hour, but I’m a girl in distress so cut me some slack. One of those meetings was right after I got a voicemail from Corey acting all lovey. He kept calling me baby and saying how excited he was to get back from their away series so he could see me. Strangest voicemail ever. I was half tempted to call him back to curse him out and tell him we aren’t going to go out ever again.

  I brought it up to Liz hoping she would take my bait and veer from the Kellan topic. She did for about three minutes then somehow it morphed back into Kellan.

  I don’t know what she is trying to get to with him but I really hate her for it. In fact, I tell her this.

  “I hate you,” I sneer.

  “Hate is a strong word. Why do you hate me?” She doesn’t even seem upset about my distaste for her.

  “Because all we talk about is Kellan. Kellan, Kellan, Kellan! Oh, Kellan. I’m tired of talking about him, it puts me in a bad mood.”