The Tao of Apathy

by Thomas Cannon

  Bigger shook his head. “Even if I had the super power of being able to convince my mom of anything, I would be betraying the union.”

  “Bigger, your management now, so you wouldn’t be betraying the union. You would be doing your job well.”

  Seuss seemed to be making sense to him, so Bigger thought he had better think about it. And when that didn’t work, he’d talk to Joe. “I have to think about this, Mr. Seuss.”

  “Fair enough, my boy. But this is something you should decide on your own without asking anyone else’s opinion. Now to summarize. This position would make you a leader in your department, get your darling bride off your ass, and make your mom proud of something like you. Which, I don’t think you should mention this to your mom. She might misconstrue your promotion and think we were using her son to get to her. Then she might think you didn’t earn this but you did, my little albino bread boy. I want you to take this promotion for yourself and I want you to do it for me. Remember how close your parents and me are? You and I are like family.”

  “Thank you Uncle Mr. Seuss.”

  Bigger stumbled out of Seuss’s office, dazed at the choice he faced. Jan whispered his name and motioned to him. “Look, I got to tell you. Greg got that poem from me and he didn’t really get the point of it. That man doesn’t take a hint or notice a proposition--anyway, Bigger, that poem is by Douglas Malloch.”

  “Oh. Thank you.” Bigger turned to go.

  “Bigger, quit being so stupid. What the poem is about is being the best at who you are. You are not a scrub, but if you were, so what? Who says you have to have a good job or get married or have three children like your sister? Who? Huh? Who? Is a husband and children any more fulfilling than a platonic eleven year friendship with your boss?”

  “Ah, I’m going now.”

  Chapter 33

  Doctor Coxcombry took a big gulp of his coffee at the daily am. doctors’ meeting. “Dr. Priggish, let’s have that ghost guy in white fired. He scares the bejesus out of me.”

  Priggish dabbed the side of his chocolate covered lips. “You can’t just fire him; he has been haunting this place for a hundred years. You just want to do something mean because the staff is forming a union.”

  “Damn right,” Dr. Rhinoceroushide sneered. “My staff is already starting to believe that I can’t just treat them however I want. Just the other day, I asked a nurse to pick a piece of corn out of my teeth and do you know what she said? She said, ‘No, I am a nurse that only needs to perform my professional duties, not your mother.”

  “Have her fired,” Dr. Litigious said.

  “Fucking towel heads,” Callous called out.

  Dr. Supercilious sliced his cheese and bacon omelet with his fork. “Your mother has been dead for ten years. How could you confuse a nurse with your mom?”

  Dr. Priggish strolled over to the window with his cup of coffee. He looked out the window and then said something that the would-be union members themselves thought. “There will be no union. The hourly employees cannot change things. We’re doctors and look at the conditions we have to work in. Petty and those nuns are shrewd, strong people and will never cave.”

  Chapter 34

  “We are going to give you everything you asked for,” the CEO of Lansing’s Saint Jude’s Hospital and Medical Center said firmly as he slid a proposal towards them. The seven union representatives respectfully laughed at him with glee.

  “Yes,” Dan yelled out, throwing his arms in the air and jumping like a cheerleader.

  Susan stepped forward and began to read the outline of the concessions that Petty and The Board of Trustees were willing to give.

  “The only condition is that we formalize this within the week and I get to formally announce this two weeks from today,” Petty threw out casually.

  “This,” Susan told the rest, “lists the conditions we asked for on layoffs as well as the raises. Wow. This also lists a lot of things that we weren’t even asking for. They are going to give nurses higher on-call pay. They are going to give the techs less 12 hours sifts. They are going to allow more maintenance men to take off for deer hunting. It goes on.”

  Betty leaned over and looked at the monthly planner on Petty’s desk. “Your announcement would be the day before the vote on the union. This is your way of killing the union.”

  Susan addressed Mr. Petty. “We have a right and a need for a union. We should stand up and empower our rights as employees.

  Susan glanced at the other representatives. “Do you see what he has in front of us? Something to placate almost every employee. If we don’t take the deal, the others will be torqued at us while Petty looks like the hero. If we take the deal, Petty still looks like he brought the beer to the party. Meanwhile, everyone is happy and stops seeing the need for the union.”

  Betty pursed her lips. “This doesn’t sound legal.”

  “Close enough for governmental purposes.” Petty rejoined.

  Susan looked around Dan to Betty. “I don’t see what else we could do. We have to take the deal and hope the employees stand on their principles.”

  Dan, using his most respectful voice, said, “Mr. Petty, thank you for these incentives. I apologize for winning like this, but we are going to take your deal.”

  Now Petty laughed. “Yes. Betty, take some notes so that we can draw up an agreement. Please identify yourself in the agreement as the new Female Employees Advocate.

  “Petty, I used my position as your secretary to get information to use against you and you still want to give me that promotion? I figured that if the union failed, I’d be out on my waffled ass.”

  Petty shrugged and smirked. “Honey, I won. We all won here. But mostly it was me that won. Even the fact that women with pending and future lawsuits will see a girl from the secretary staff become someone that handles their complaints will be a very positive thing for me.”

  Betty looked at her boss, who had just nodded and winked at her. She had always taken the way she had been treated by her bosses in stride. It was why the Board of Trustees had transferred her in to work for Grumby and she had taken pride in the fact that she was a tough old bird that could be counted on to handle anything. But she had found herself being one of the first ones speaking out at the initial informational meeting for the union. Then she had found herself being listened to and looked to for clear thinking at each meeting. Looking at Petty gloat, she realized that the something that had motivated her to even go to the union meetings was a desire for self-respect. That and hatred.

  “Forget it, honey. We present this proposal and the union doesn’t have a chance.” She looked over at her other representatives. “He’ll still present his proposal, but I don’t think we should agree to do it for him. Don’t you see how much better it will sound from us than from him?

  “We should give him back his proposal and say no thank you.”

  The rest shook their heads. Dan looked at her tenderly. “Someday, Betty, you are going to have to trust people. True Petty and Grumby have done some insensitive, criminal things, but we have brought it to their attention and Petty is correcting it. And he has the right to do that. I can take this offer to the employees with a clear conscience. Personally, I think the people I work with have more integrity. They will accept these things, which we have coming and will still vote for the union. But we need to forgive. We need to not hold a grudge.”

  “Whatever, France. But I know this means the union will not go through. And if the union is not here to make him (she pointed to Petty) honest,” she stood up, “then I quit.”

  Everyone including Petty turned to her and said, “What?”

  “You heard me. I’m not doing it anymore.” Betty’s legs turned to carry her out, but she stopped and looked at Petty. His face transformed into the faces of the different bosses she worked for over the years. “I have been a secretary for twenty-three years,” she told him. “For a long time, I served coffee and let the male executives call me girl. A good girl. Finally, I told
them that they were sexist and I felt demeaned. That was the one time I ever complained and I guess I was too meek about it because they thought it was cute. Grumby even got away with making harassing comments and touches to his secretary to make her quit. His only punishment was that the nuns hired an old bag like me so that he wouldn’t be tempted. But he didn’t care that I wasn’t young and thin and vulnerable because his thoughts never went beyond his own desire to be touched where even his girlfriend wouldn’t go. But no matter what, I tried to remain professional, while the professionals around me had temper tantrums, leered and basically just acted like two-year-olds. That’s what got me into the union and you are no different, Mr. Petty. You can’t think of anyone, but yourself. The thing that gets me is that you do it in the name of helping people.”

  Betty then turned toward her friends. “When you find out you gained nothing, don’t quit like I’m doing. Go on working here, knowing that things are unfair, but that all in all it could be worse. Petty here believes he is doing what’s best for everyone, but he can’t see past his Rush Limbaugh tie.”

  Chapter 35

  “I love that fucking towel-head,” Dr. Callous spit out at an emergency lunch meeting of the doctors. “Did you ever see him negotiate? He’s Johnnie Cochran in a turban. If the peons of this place can get all those extras, then Zamboli ought to be able to make it Christmas for us.”

  Dr. Coxcombry slammed down the phone and looked at his colleagues, striking the pensive, concerned pose he usually reserved for his Reagan Democrat patients. “I just got off the phone with Zamboli’s nurse.”

  “Hey, zip up, then, Coxcombry.”

  “No, she just told me that Zamboli is backing out of doing the negotiations. Something about a patient needing emergency surgery.”

  “That fucking towel-head.”

  “Do we need him?” Supercilious asked. “What can he do that we can’t?”

  “In your case, cure sick people,” Rhinoceroushide explained with clenched teeth. “That’s why he works in surgery and you work in Immediate Care. He is a surgeon who performs groundbreaking procedures that are written in medical journals, while you are a floodgate so that we don’t accidentally send somebody home that might die. Because really, your patients are just marking time until their own body gets over being sick.”

  Supercilious beamed. “I know. I get awards from the HMO.”

  “Listen you assholes,” Dr. Callous interrupted. “This is our one chance to get that special doctors' elevator with an attendant that we need. So let’s not fuck it up.”

  “I’ll go,” Dr. Litigious said. “I just need to reschedule a double organ transplant.”

  Supercilious laughed. “Yeah, that guy’s not going anywhere, anyway.”

  Litigious sat on the corner of Petty’s desk mouthing an unlit cigar. “Well, Bill, I know you are busy with the union and all that, so I’ll just run down what the doctors want and then let you get going on the details. Our negotiations usually went pretty quick with the last guy that sat there.”

  Petty gave a quick nod and turned the cigar Dr. Litigious had just given him in his mouth.

  “You might want to write this down so you don’t forget anything.

  “Oookay. We want a twenty percent raise in our revenue; a doctor’s parking lot to be located inside the hospital so that we won’t have to be subjected to bad weather. We want the power of approval on research projects; major equipment purchases and color scheme of any remodeling to be done. I am confident you find this agreeable.”

  Petty leaned back in his chair. “I’m sorry, my friend. But we have to start looking at this hospital as a business. We can no longer lavish you doctors with high pay and perks. No deal.”

  “Huh?” Litigious jammed his cigar into the pocket of his suit jacket. “Let’s get real serious, real quick, here. We are not asking for anything that we couldn’t get if we went to a bigger hospital.”

  Petty scoffed. “Yeah, you guys could go anywhere with your talents, but you chose Lansing, Michigan for the nightlife. Personally, I’d love to give you those senseless perks, but we have to start looking at our bottom line.”

  “But but but but, we’re doctors.”

  “Big deal. Things have changed. Now if you were the president of a HMO, then I’d listen. But I consider you an assembly line worker just like the nurses, aides, technicians, blah, blah, blah. You will take what I give you and like it. Your job,” he said pointing towards his door, “is to crank out as many patients as you can. You have a quota to fill fella. Now get back on the line.”

  Dr. Litigious withered off Petty’s desk. He found himself having to sit down in a chair.

  Then he recovered. “Okay,” he said, letting Petty smile. “Okay, sir,” he said which sent Petty into a grandma’s teeth just fell out laugh. Litigious stood up and reached for the door. “One more thing, though, if I may?”

  “You may go ahead.” Petty leaned forward, recollected himself, and touched his fingers together.

  “I think now might be a good time to tell you that we were approached by a new health care organization that wants to come into the area and give St. Jude’s some competition. They have asked all of us doctors to consider working under their system. I think you just made our decision a lot easier.” Litigious turned the doorknob.

  “Wait. Dr. Litigious. You guys can’t. We have been here for a hundred and thirty years and have a strong history in this community. Where is your sense of loyalty?”

  “You said we need to look at health care as a business.”

  “Us. Not you.”

  “That’s what I’m thinking- not you. Listen to yourself. What you want is loyalty and sacrifice from us without you having to do either.”

  “Now we’re on the same page.”

  Chapter 36

  As soon as Litigious left, there was a knock on Petty’s door and then the person who knocked, came in. He was tall, handsome and had a reassuring smile that made Petty nervous. “You are a piece of shit,” the man said.

  “Yeah, so what?” Petty asked as he extended his hand for a firm handshake. First his secretary quit so that he lost his way of leaking information to the union, then his doctors got uppity, and now this. “And who are you?”

  “I’m Jack Ketch, asshole.” He shook Petty’s hand, then pointed his thumb over his shoulder. “And this is my associate, Tom Bowdler.” A fat man slipped into the room behind Ketch like a watermelon plopping out a child’s arms as she helped carry in groceries.

  “Have a seat,” Petty said and when everyone had sat down, he continued. “You’ve got some nerve barging in here.” He laughed. “You better have a suitcase full of money for me.”

  “We do,” Bowlder said with a voice that sounded like he had a half-digested rodent in his throat. “The question is are you going to louse things up.”

  Ketch smiled at Petty.

  “All right.” Petty smiled back at Ketch. Are you from the mob? Or worse, the government?”

  “Petty, our firm was hired by your predecessor to reorganize this place into the most efficient configuration possible and we are doing that. But then you come along and started working hand in hand with the union.”

  “You jerk off.” Bowlder slapped the desk. “I monitor this whole place 23/6. Everyone was angry and desperate just as we planned.”

  Ketch pointed at Petty. “Where do you get off letting the union ruin all of the slashes we have been able to make? If your hospital is not taken to the bone, how will it look to other hospitals that might hire us? Mr. Petty, why would you want to destroy all we have dismantled? Grumby would never have caved into a union’s demands.”

  “Guys guys, guys, that is why the nuns got rid of Grumby. I am willing to do anything to prevent a union from coming in here. I am the person that is going to give the union anything they want except for anything substantial.”

  Ketch began to like Petty even more than Grumby who he hated. He and Bowlder leaned back in the soft leather chairs, relieve
d. “We thought you were a socialist or a democrat or something.”

  “No. I have a plan to keep the employees from unionizing without giving them anything. They are not going to vote to unionize now. And what I have given them will vaporize. Although she doesn’t know it, our Patients’ Rights Coordinator is going to take me to court and prevent me from allowing the employees all I have offered. As I always say, ‘in today’s health care market, we cannot control income only expenses. If we want to remain a leading non-profit organization, we need to increase our profit margin. Our commitment to helping people demands that we keep both eyes on the bottom line.”

  “I love you,” Bowlder said, putting the weight of his enormous body on one knee and kneeling in front of Petty’s desk.

  Ketch scratched his jaw. “Your Patients’ Rights Coordinator is a formidable foe.” He reached into his brief case and pulled out a file with Ethel Steiffy written on it in red marker. He opened it up. “There has been twenty things that she kept us from doing.”

  “Yeah, well, you don’t know that she has a son that works here.”

  “Actually,” he tuned a page over in his file. “Her son is Bigger Steiffy. He works in food service, is married with two kids, and weighs two hundred and ten pounds. He was in his high school production of “Plaza Suite” and was an altar boy in third and fourth grades.”

  “Exactly. He’s a loser and Ethel is his mother. She commits to testifying in court and I give him a promotion that makes him less of a loser. She will help us because as a woman she is going to want to help her son first and foremost. Then I put a little spin on the turn of events and she takes the heat.”

  Ketch nodded toward the door to Bowlder. Four grunts and three creaks later, he was up off his knees and the two went out the door, leaving Petty with Ketch’s briefcase full of money on his desk.