Winter Wishes

by Rowan Nash

  Reeve’s head turned toward him, his voice quiet, but not a whisper. “Am I on your list, Caleb?”

  A confirmation tickled the tip of his tongue, but the word just wouldn’t tumble off the edge. Reeve was at the top of his list. Actually, he was the only thing on the list. He didn’t want to make a scene before Santa had his moment with the kids. Caleb had waited twenty-four years for the right guy and right time to be himself, and this one made his heart soar like Santa’s sleigh in the sky.

  He swallowed deep. “I’ll make sure Molly is okay.”

  “If you need me, come get me. She’s more important than this ridiculous getup.”

  “Sexiest Santa I’ve ever seen,” he mumbled as he passed Reeve.

  “I heard that,” Reeve retorted and chuckled.

  He’d wanted Reeve to hear it. He’d wanted to say so much more. Fear was his normal go-to emotion, but Reeve brought out a different side of him, the person Caleb really wanted to be.

  Me.

  But first, he needed to check on Molly. Whatever was happening had strong emotions attached to the weather and the party, but Caleb dealt with people having breakdowns in his store all the time. He would give her the attention she deserved.

  He checked the kitchen and what looked like Dr. Rousch’s office and there was no sign of her. As he passed back through the kitchen, he heard noises coming from behind a door. Caleb tapped. “Molly?”

  “I’m okay. Just need a minute,” she choked out, then the weeping continued.

  “Can I come in?”

  The door cracked and he slipped inside the dark pantry.

  “What’s wrong?” Caleb asked, only the light from under the door illuminating the space. He closed the distance between them and guided her to his body, rubbing her back while she released some sadness that still lingered even after she cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. Caleb brushed her hair from her face. Molly moved quickly and even in the darkness, she was dead-on with her efforts. The kiss was sweet and soft, but Caleb was extremely uncomfortable and definitely awkward. Backing away quickly, he was thankful for the lack of light in the room because he could tell that his face was grimaced into an unnatural contour.

  “Caleb?”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I’m grieving the loss of my parents and trying to feel better by using you as an ache-absorbing sponge, or at the least a diversionary tactic.”

  He tucked her head under his chin and guided her into his arms. “Your parents passed away recently?”

  “Last year after this party, on their way back to the City, they lost control and went head-on into a semi. Reeve and I were right behind them. We couldn’t do anything but watch them die.”

  “I’m so sorry, Molly.”

  “I don’t know how Reeve does it, but he seems fine, keeping everything together.”

  “Sweetheart, no one is ever fine after losing their parents. Your brother is being strong for you. He’ll break. Might not be tonight, but someday he will.”

  Caleb hoped he was wrong, but if it ever did happen, he wanted to be by Reeve’s side, comforting him and helping him to understand that grief didn’t have a time limit.

  They stayed in a close embrace for a while.

  “Caleb, are you gay?”

  He fought his normal reaction, the messed-up ingrained response to hiding for so long, but tension slithered through even the smallest muscle in his body.

  “Yes.” The word had been so close to escaping his mouth when Reeve had asked his last question.

  She giggled. “Aunt Evie had this one really wrong.”

  “I like your company, Molly.”

  “But you like my brother’s company more?”

  Caleb leaned back to examine the dark shadows of the room brushing across her face. “Santa might just be my kind of guy. And I never thought I’d say that.”

  She rose to her tiptoes again and pecked his cheek. “Maybe this will end Aunt Evie’s matchmaking efforts. Can’t wait until Reeve tells her that you’re his date, not mine.”

  “Yeah, actually, I’m not out yet. Was thinking of telling your aunt and a few others tonight.”

  “Why not show them instead?”

  Caleb backed away and Molly flipped on the light switch, making both of them squint at the harsh fluorescent lighting.

  “Did you know that was in here all this time?”

  “Sure. Just figured the darkness would be more tempting and probably less embarrassing.”

  He chuckled. “Now, what did you have in mind?”

  It’s time for wishes to come true.

  6

  REEVE

  Caleb and Molly returned to the room, laughing. Watching his sister’s change of attitude, a spasm of jealousy tightened his chest. But the way they had their arms wrapped around each other’s waists, Reeve could see the friendly nature of the moment. A broad smile filled his image reflected in a silver ornament on the tree. If Caleb could make Reeve beam like that from cheering up his sister, there was no doubt he’d look like a complete fool if he wrapped his arm around Reeve.

  Sitting in the giant gold wingback chair brought in just for the occasion, Reeve adjusted the black leather belt as it chaffed along his waist. The costume was meant for a man with a little more stuff and fluff around the middle, like Uncle Teddy.

  Aunt Evie entered the room, and upon seeing Reeve, cackled her way to her socialite friends, pointing and smirking, which didn’t help his uncomfortable state.

  Clearly, he was not a convincing Santa. Reeve had neither the deep rumbling laugh or the bowl full of jelly and he was fine with that. But the kids seemed reticent to come near him and he wasn’t fine with that. Uncle Teddy had done the costume proud; Reeve needed to step up.

  A young girl, possibly around five years old, shuffled her feet toward him and just stared.

  “Ho, ho, ho. What’s your name?”

  “Santa knows my name.” She played with the ribbon hanging from her ponytail.

  Reeve locked eyes with Caleb and he mouthed, “Hannah.”

  “Of course, I recognize you now. You’ve grown so much. You’re Hannah, right?”

  Her face lit up as she nodded wildly.

  He sat straight in the chair. “Would you like to sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas?”

  She shook her head. “Why aren’t you fat?”

  Reeve’s head reared back and the velvet covering on the chair was welcome padding.

  Out of the mouths of babes.

  The room quieted.

  “Well…” He thought of different responses. “I’ve been eating better and exercising, so I lost a little weight. I’m the new Santa.”

  The adults responded in varying degrees of amusement from full-out laughter to muffled chuckles.

  Her nose crinkled. “I don’t like new Santa.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind for the future. Is there anything you’d like for Christmas?”

  The tiny human started rambling a memorized list that included words he’d never heard before. Reeve glanced to Caleb and he mouthed, “You bought those today,” to him.

  Caleb walked over to the tree and collected two gifts wrapped in hot pink paper with golden ribbons. He slipped the packages into the chair beside Reeve while the girl continued her adorable repetitious barrage, lifting the edge of her dress as she rattled off the list.

  “Hannah, I think I have just what you’d like here.”

  Her parents gathered behind her with a camera at the ready. She approached Reeve cautiously, then raised her arms to be lifted into Santa’s lap. She weighed more than he thought she would, but holding a growing child in his arms was time-travel for his brain. Kids had never crossed my mind. Sperm plus sperm didn’t equate to human life, but at that moment he comprehended there were other avenues to being a parent than conception. Staring across the room at a tall blond in a green sweater, he realized the future could hold more than he’d ever dreamed. And holding that wriggling tiny bo
dy in his lap, Reeve realized why his uncle and aunt really did this. The way Hannah’s face lit up as she gripped the packages so carefully but tightly, she knew they were special and that brought out something in him that a year ago had been taken away.

  Hope.

  He’d been living each day like a zombie. Avoiding old friends and even Molly on their birthday because it was too hard to remember good times that involved his parents.

  His throat scratched with emotions that felt like they were going to rush from him whether he was in this room or 100 miles away. “Hannah, thanks for visiting with me. But Santa needs just a minute.”

  “You have to pee?” she asked innocently.

  Reeve muffled a chuckle. “Not exactly.” He placed her on the floor. “I’ll be right back, folks.”

  He made it up to the guest room and into the attached bath before bracing himself against the countertop. He slipped the beard off and dropped his head. A puddle of tears pooled in front of the vanity.

  Life wasn’t fair. Everyone should get their Christmas wish, yet Reeve knew even asking to see his parents once more was impossible. He was friggin’ Santa. A thousand pounds of intimate knowledge sat heavy in his gut, like fruitcake, but ranker.

  Not all wishes come true.

  A tender hand landed on his shoulder and Reeve straightened while wiping away the remnants of collapsing emotions. The long arms brought him into an embrace that felt intimate, into the heart of someone who cared and wanted to share his hope.

  “Molly told me about your parents. I’m sorry, Reeve.”

  Reeve wrapped an arm around Caleb and guided him closer. The human touch confiscated the emptiness and replaced it with a natural attachment. A connection that felt like a different wish had been granted.

  He drew back to look at Caleb. Caleb’s eyes softened and his large hand clutched Reeve’s neck, gently tugging him toward an impending kiss that even before they touched had Reeve’s heart pounding at a running reindeer’s pace.

  He wanted Caleb to lead. He needed to know he wanted this moment as much as Reeve did. He closed his eyes, sensing Caleb’s rushed breaths brushing against his lips.

  A throat cleared loudly behind Caleb. Reeve peeked behind them and two cloudy blue-grey eyes met his with a knowing grin.

  “Gentlemen, so sorry to interrupt, but the party needs to continue. The young guests are becoming anxious. Santa needs to fulfill his duties and then he can have his”—she snickered—“fun.” Aunt Evie waddled out of the bedroom.

  “Are you okay?” Reeve asked, wondering if Caleb was upset at getting caught by Aunt Evie.

  “I’m more than okay, but I think we need to finish this later. Santa’s the main act and needs to get back down there.”

  Fighting that assessment was at the tip of Reeve’s tongue.

  He dropped his arms in resignation. “Probably.”

  “Mind if I act as your elf? I know most of the kids’ names and can get you the right gift to make the night go faster.”

  “That would be great. Thanks.”

  With every step out of the bedroom door, Reeve ran ways to pull Caleb back inside and materialize that kiss, but instead, he adjusted the beard to make his best entrance, much more jovial, less gloomy. These kids deserved a Santa who would make them smile.

  Molly waited at the bottom of the stairs. Holding her lower lip in her mouth, Reeve recognized worry. It was the same expression their mother had perfected.

  “I’m okay, sis.” He stopped and brought her into his arms.

  “I can’t lose you, too.”

  “And you’re not going to. I just needed to let a little something out, to hopefully, let someone in.”

  Her back muscles tightened under his touch. “I kissed him.”

  “Who?” Reeve glanced to his right and watched Caleb organizing presents under the Christmas tree and the answer was not needed. “Did he kiss you back?” He glanced down at Molly’s face.

  She stared up at him. “Not even for a second.”

  His body relaxed. She’d been first in the family to get a chance to experience those lips that were as red as his Santa suit, but he made a promise to himself that he’d be the last first kiss Caleb would ever have.

  Backing away, she giggled through, “Okay, Slanta, that’s slim Santa, go do your job so you can get to know the gift shop hottie better when you’re done.”

  “Love you, sis.”

  Her lips pursed and she closed her eyes for a second but reopened them matched with a smile. “I love you, too.”

  Slanta time, kids… bring it on!

  7

  CALEB

  Every present brought them one moment closer to what would be his moment. Caleb grabbed the last gift and handed it to Reeve.

  Super Sexy Santa.

  “Have a wonderful Christmas, Harley, and if you see any reindeer tonight, tell them to go home, because they’ve got a big day ahead of them tomorrow.” The excited boy jumped from Reeve’s lap and ran to his parents with joy that returned a thousand times over to Reeve in his smiles and deep chuckles.

  Even though Reeve had started out reluctant to portray the lively figure that Santa was, he’d settled into his role and the kids enjoyed themselves and the parents, too. Caleb empathized with Reeve. He’d lived in a costume for the last few years and he was ready to find out what living as himself would be like. A wish granted or nightmare in the making?

  The crowd thinned, the kids going home with their new toys clutched tightly in their hands. The remaining two dozen people were just Dr. and Mrs. Rousch’s friends. The influential, the people who frequented Caleb’s shop, the ones he’d hidden from by pretending to be someone he wasn’t.

  Dr. Rousch returned home and, after one look at Reeve in his costume, his belly rocked in a laugh just like the real Santa’s.

  Caleb stood next to the Santa chair where Reeve was lounging. “Everyone, could I have your attention? First, I think most of you know me, but for those who don’t, I’m Caleb Gilden, owner of The Gift Horse. Next, a round of applause for our gracious hosts who put their hearts and time into making our community a place where children smile daily.” The room erupted in cheers. “I think we can agree that Reeve made an interesting Santa and perhaps the slim version of Santa is not going to catch on. But another round of thanks to him.”

  The Red Hat Society whistled and catcalled. Molly and Caleb broke out in laughter. Apparently, Reeve’s version of Santa appealed to the older guests, if not the younger ones.

  “I guess Santa’s a hit with someone. Now, I’d like to tell Santa what I want for Christmas, and Mrs. Rousch I’m sorry for doing this here, but I can’t wait anymore.” Caleb faced Reeve. “Santa, I’ve lived in fear. Fear of being myself, fear of people turning on me if they knew my truth, fear of never having anyone to love, but today I realized that the fear was only a costume I wore to protect myself from having it all. It’s time to be honest, to be myself, and to be happy.” He reached out a hand for Reeve’s and he interwove their fingers, standing from his gold chair.

  The quiet room was a snow globe, comforting yet swirling in Caleb’s mind.

  He slipped his hand from Reeve’s and slid it behind his neck and into his dark hair. “Santa, my wish is to be myself.”

  Their lips met and Reeve sunk into the kiss. He didn’t care what anyone thought and that was what Caleb needed, someone who had the courage he wanted, too. All twenty-four years of hiding a secret were obscured by a new memory of how Reeve felt in Caleb’s arms. The kiss could have gone on for a long time, but they wouldn’t commandeer the entire night with a make-out session between two guys.

  But I want to.

  Caleb backed from him, but Reeve met him move for move, holding him close.

  His eyes sparkled in the twinkling lights of the decorated tree. “You’re not going anywhere. And your wish is granted, Caleb. You can be yourself with me and if anyone in this room thinks you should be someone other than the person you were born to be…well,
he or she can get the fuck out.”

  “Santa! Language, please,” Mrs. Rousch admonished him. “But, Reeve’s right, if anyone isn’t accepting and supportive, you can leave. It’s time we all started appreciating all people for who they are. Caleb, darling, you know I adore you, and this news wouldn’t have done anything to change that fact. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t share with me and I’m sorry for not asking and only assuming.” She shook her head at her nephew with a smirk. “And Reeve, when I told you to pick something out for yourself at the Gift Horse, I didn’t mean a human, but I don’t blame you. Caleb has always been the best gift in that store.” Dr. Rousch pulled her close and kissed the top of the tiny woman’s head.

  Caleb controlled the surge of emotions that her kind words flowed through him. Family came in all shapes and sizes and he was blessed.

  Reeve tucked him close. “Best gift ever.”

  She dragged her gaze to Molly. “And don’t worry, I think I have someone else for you.”

  Molly rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Can’t wait.”

  Caleb glanced around the room, expecting at least a few scowls, but there were none. His false expectations were only another shroud of protection. But if he’d come out sooner, would Mrs. Rousch have already set him up with someone? Maybe Reeve? He chuckled at the thought.

  Dr. Rousch cleared his throat. “Well, everyone, Mrs. Rousch and I hope you have enjoyed your evening and thank you for contributing a few giggles and smiles to the children of our Cold Spring. Please drive carefully out there. A little snow fell tonight, roads are packed already. We wish all of you happiness for your holidays.” Then Dr. Rousch escorted each couple to the coat closet and out the door, as if he was ready to have his home back. After the last couple left, he led Mrs. Rousch away to their bedroom without a word.

  “Need a drink?” Reeve asked.

  “God, yes.” Caleb walked beside Reeve and their proximity kept him on edge. In the kitchen, he turned, grabbed Caleb’s hand, and dragged him into the pantry.