CAROLINE

by Sue Barr

  Unbidden, the image of Lord Nathan popped into her mind. She hurried to the nearest row of pews and took a seat. She came here to find peace, not re-examine her encounters with that vexing man. She did not want to meditate on his height, his unruly curls, his exceptionally long lashes, or how he invaded her dreams at night. And she definitely did not come here to think about that near kiss.

  Nathan glanced out the window of his study and noticed an unmarked carriage in front of the church. With Mr. Darcy of Pemberley getting married in a few days, the whole area had been flooded with well-wishers and those who wished to see the sight where he would exchange vows. He never understood why the general populace needed to know every detail of what should be a most private affair and hoped whoever attended the chapel would take a quick look and then be on their way.

  Once more he attempted to put his thoughts into words on the paper. This Sunday, the service would be special as the banns for Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley were being read for the third and final time. After that, in front of what he suspected would be a full church, he had to preach a sermon. A sermon for which he was having trouble finding words.

  His thoughts continuously looped back and around to one red haired beauty. She dominated his thoughts day and night and now he couldn’t even find words to preach in front of his benefactor. This would not do. Where was his legendary control now?

  He’d spent much time in prayer last night asking God to forgive him for not respecting Miss Bingley’s innocence and give him peace. As a man of the cloth, he was held to a higher moral compass and although it didn’t happen often, at times he struggled with past behaviors.

  He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was virtuous in a purely physical sense, but her heart and mind remained cloaked in mystery. In the early hours of the morning, before falling into a fitful sleep, he prayed for her soul. He prayed God would bring someone into her life, just as He brought Max to him, to lead her into a closer relationship with the Lord.

  Given his lack of sleep and jumbled state of mind, it was a good thing he had until tomorrow evening to compose his thoughts and prepare his approach. More than enough time to craft an effective apology.

  He glanced through the window and noted the carriage had not departed. He placed his quill in the ink pot and pushed the papers aside. His prayers for peace and contentment were not being answered and he was fooling no one but himself by hiding away in his study. He determined to attend the church and give aid to whomever was there. Maybe the Lord would have something else for him to worry about. A good discussion on forgiving one’s neighbor would be welcome respite from the continual loop of Caroline going through his mind.

  He strode into the chapel and stopped cold in front of the pulpit. There before him, in all her glory sat Miss Caroline Bingley, head bowed in prayer. His mind stuttered to a stop. Given what had been revealed to him by various people, he never once thought this young miss would darken the door of a church voluntarily. Instantly, he was reminded of his brother’s words of caution.

  “Nathan, you have never judged someone by the opinions of others. Their view is skewered by their own prejudices. Give the lady a chance to prove herself. You may be pleasantly surprised.”

  He breathed a quick prayer for strength and knowledge of how to proceed. Obviously the Lord saw fit for him to speak with Miss Bingley now instead of at the ball. He was about to find out if Max’s quiet confidence in the good of people would stand this next test.

  He advanced a few more steps, faltering only when she raised her eyes to see who approached. They widened and all color left her face. He rushed to her side in case she fainted, she’d gone so pale. He took hold of both her hands and sat beside her.

  “What are you doing here?” They both asked in unison, his tone quizzical, hers weak and her countenance showing that she was visibly shaken.

  “I shall go first, Miss Bingley.”

  “No. I’m not going to stay and have you debase my character.” She looked pointedly at their joined hands and he released hers, shifting back in the pew to put more space between them. “I am of the mind that you are pursuing me, and keep attempting to place me in a compromising position. First the stable and now here? Are you following me?”

  She thought he was attempting to compromise her? His lip twitched in amusement and he tried valiantly to keep his features composed. It was painfully obvious she had no idea he was Darcy’s vicar and a small portion of him wished to keep her in the dark, but the Christian side of his psyche would not allow it. She was a child of God and would be treated as such.

  “I could accuse you of the very same thing.”

  “Highly unlikely as you came in after me, not before. Ergo, you are following me,” she said with an elegant sniff.

  He longed to laugh out loud. She was so very determined to prove him wrong.

  “Let me set your mind at ease, Miss Bingley. I could not have followed you as I was already here.”

  “That’s preposterous. There were no carriages or horses out front when we arrived.”

  “You are correct, but this is because my horses and carriage are in the stable, out back.”

  “Horses? You cannot ride more than one at a time. What nonsense do you speak of?”

  “No nonsense. My carriage and horses are in the stable behind my house.”

  “Your house...”

  He knew understanding dawned when her eyes lit up at discovering the truth, then astonishment when her mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ and she gaped at him.

  “You’re Mr. Kerr, Darcy’s new vicar!”

  “Yes.”

  “But... you’re also Lord – a Duke’s son...” She floundered for words.

  “I see I must share a bit of my family history.”

  “No, this is your private business. You don’t need to... I mean...”

  She began to twist her fingers and pick at the loose thread along the seam. He’d noted before that when agitated she kept her fingers busy, which would explain why she enjoyed playing the pianoforte so much. Her fingers were engaged which allowed her mind to rest. He felt very pleased at finding some understanding of her character.

  “Miss Bingley, our friendship has gotten off to a rocky start and for that I apologize. You did not deserve the treatment received by me yesterday.”

  “Lord Nathan, or should I call you Mr. Kerr? There is no need to apologize again.

  “Yes, there is. I did not treat you with respect due a lady, and you may call me Mr. Kerr. Don’t be surprised of most of Darcy’s guests refer to me as Lord Nathan. There are not many outside of our family circles who know I’ve taken orders.”

  “That’s exactly what I wondered. This seems so far beneath your rank, I can’t fathom why you do it.”

  Miss Bingley wasn’t the first person to question his decisions. Strangely enough, his own family had no qualms about him pursuing a vocation in the church. It was outsiders. Those who had no idea where his heart lay that couldn’t seem to wrap their mind around him wanting to be a vicar.

  Even Miss Tottingham had disagreed with him when he shared his desire to attend seminary after giving his heart to the Lord. Within a day of his announcement, she returned his betrothal ring with a terse note written in elegant script.

  Lord Nathan,

  I am in returning the lovely bauble you bestowed upon me. I am truly sorry if there were any misconceptions on your part which led you to believe there was more to our relationship than being friends.

  I wish you God speed in your studies.

  Your friend,

  L. Tottingham

  He decided to take a direct approach and let God speak through his words. Heaven knew his actions were not in keeping with the moral high ground he strived for.

  “As the third son, born after the heir and the second son, I knew I would never bear the title of Duke, nor would I inherit Adborough land. My life’s path was my own to choose.”

  He shifted to face her more fully, wanting to read her reacti
ons.

  “As soon as I was able, I purchased my commission and being an excellent horseman, joined the light brigade and was promptly shipped off to France. There, I witnessed events that made me question man’s humanity. I did things no man should ever have to do in order to survive. When I was finally sent home, I was a broken man, physically and spiritually.”

  He paused to gather his thoughts. She laid a gloved hand on his forearm, her touch light.

  “Please, Lord Nathan. Don’t go any further if this distresses you. I have no right to question your choices.” Her soft tone humbled him.

  “Miss Bingley,” he continued with a small smile. “I asked God to guide my words, and I feel this is what he wants you to hear. Will you let me continue?”

  After a slight hesitation, she nodded her assent.

  “I returned to England bitter and dissolute. My brother, the Duke whom you have met, came to me in London and helped me find my way again. I had almost completed my seminary studies when Darcy approached and offered me this living in Kympton.”

  “So many young men have been lost over there and the war is not over yet. At times I fear the French will visit us on our doorstep.”

  He gathered her hands in his and simply held them. Her cheeks tinged a becoming pink and her eyelashes fluttered down to caress them. He fought the desire to kiss her yet again and glanced over his shoulder at the cross behind the pulpit, asking God to forgive him for his very human thoughts.

  “The Duke of Wellington is keeping Napoleon very busy in France. We are safe, here in England,” he assured her.

  “I lost a brother in France.”

  She raised her gaze to his, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Startled, he dropped her hands. She quickly clasped them together and turned her face from him.

  “I’m so sorry. No one told me you had another brother.”

  “Henry was the eldest, named after my father. I miss him so much. He would bring me sweet treats whenever I was sent to my room.” She turned to look at him and a small smile ghosting her lips. “I know you will not be surprised by this, but I was often sent to my bed without supper. Mother did not know how to handle my ‘high spirits’.”

  He choked back a laugh. Miss Bingley may joke about this now, but as a child, she would have been angry and confused if she thought she was being unjustly punished.

  “Henry always made sure I didn’t waste away in my tower, as he liked to call it. When the war started he was too young to sign up, but as soon as he was able, he joined the light infantry. We had no idea where he was, or whether he was alive or dead. Almost a year passed before the War Office informed our family that within a few weeks of arriving in France, he’d been killed. Papa was devastated. Henry meant everything to him and he died shortly after we received notice.”

  She pulled out her reticule and fumbled inside the pouch. Finally she stopped and sighed out, “Where is my Steward of the Linen Cupboard when I need him?”

  “Your Steward?” Nathan queried, reaching inside his coat for a fresh handkerchief and handed it to her.

  “Yes,” she laughed softly. “Charles called himself that the other day when he gave Jane and me handkerchiefs. We were both leaky water pots during our last visit.”

  “Ah,” he nodded in understanding. “Everybody should have a Steward of the Linen Cupboard for those very reasons.”

  He watched her twist the handkerchief with slight agitation, which brought him back to the first thing he’d wondered when he found her in the sanctuary.

  “Miss Bingley, might I enquire as to why you came here today? I realize you didn’t expect to find me, but you must have had reason to enter God’s house.”

  “You are going to think me very foolish.”

  “Never. When a person seeks truth, they are never foolish. They are wise. I believe it’s found in the Old Testament, and forgive me for paraphrasing as I don’t have my Bible with me, but it says, If you seek the Lord, you shall find Him, if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.3

  “That’s something my grandmamma would say if she were here.”

  “Your grandmother sounds like a wise woman.”

  “She was.” Caroline stuffed the handkerchief into her reticule and sighed heavily. “I am at a crossroad. Charles is marrying Jane and I’d hate to impose on them as newlyweds, but I can no longer impinge upon Louisa’s hospitality. She has confessed that she is with child.”

  “I see. What of your mother?”

  “Mother passed away a few years ago and we sold the house soon after. All we have left are Papa’s textile factories, which Charles manages through a competent Foreman. I have no place to call my own,” she said with a small shrug of her shoulders.

  “You are indeed at a crossroad. May I pray with you as you seek guidance from the Lord?”

  She hesitated only briefly and then nodded. Nathan didn’t waste a single moment. He bowed his head and prayed softly, “Father God, thank you for bringing Miss Bingley to Your house. Guide her in the decisions she needs to make and help her realize that You love her, unconditionally. Amen.”

  He wasn’t sure where that last little bit came from, but he felt such a strong urging from the Lord to add the unconditional love and wondered what exactly was going on in this beautiful woman’s life. Like himself, on the surface she had so much, yet maybe she was barren in her soul, as he had been before seeking God’s face.

  Chapter 10

  Caroline handed her pelisse, gloves and reticule to Lucy who immediately took them upstairs to her room. The ride home from Kympton had given her time to think about Lord Nathan’s revealing conversation. That he was a kind man was much in evidence by the way he treated others, the exception being her.

  For some reason, he insisted on antagonizing her until she lost all decorum and ranted at him like a lunatic. Yet today, when he found her in the church praying, he’d been the soul of compassion. She may have dreamed of Lord Nathan, the Rake courting her, but the idea of Mr. Kerr, the vicar of Darcy courting her gave her pause. He confused her greatly.

  There was much activity in the house as the Bennets had finally arrived, along with the Gardiner’s. She’d often thought Pemberley was too large of an estate for just Darcy and his sister with one hundred and ninety rooms, but over the next few days all would be filled with guests.

  She imagined Darcy’s staff would be glad for the respite that would follow once everybody left for their own establishments. She passed by the drawing room and heard her name called out.

  “Caroline. Come and join us for tea.”

  She looked into the room and saw Jane, Elizabeth and Georgiana grouped together near the fireplace, a tea service and small sandwiches set before them. Her stomach rumbled and she realized she’d not eaten since breaking her fast that morning and supper would not be until much later in the evening. Mrs. Reynolds informed her she would be setting out a buffet as more guests were expected to arrive and they could eat at their leisure.

  She joined the ladies and after securing two small sandwiches and a cup of tea, settled in and listened as the three of them discussed wedding plans. Instantly, she was reminded of Lord Nathan’s censure of her not knowing Darcy’s likes and dislikes.

  “I understand dove grey is one of the colors being featured in your wedding decorations.”

  “Yes, it is.” Elizabeth tilted her head and gave her a curious look. “How did you come by that knowledge? We are attempting to keep this secret even from Darcy.”

  “My source shall remain nameless. I wouldn’t want them to get into any trouble. I never knew he liked dove grey.”

  “It’s one of his favorites,” Georgiana enthused. “His valet is forever complaining how foggy his wardrobe looks.” She giggled. “He has to force him to intersperse other colors into his waistcoats and overcoats. Fitz draws the line at pastels. Refuses to wear anything resembling a flower.”

  “Charles has an affinity for blue,” Jane stated softly.

  “Yes, he
does.” Caroline affirmed. She knew there was one thing she could share with her soon-to-be-sister that would make her very happy. “That affinity became stronger after he met you. He professed God himself placed the blue from heaven in your eyes.”

  Jane blushed and bowed her head. She exhibited such a soft, gentle soul and Caroline now understood why her brother loved her deeply. The fact that the elder Bennet sister had tried to find good in both her and Louisa, even when they’d sought to undermine her connection with Charles, told her how blessed they were to have this woman join their family.

  “And you, Georgiana. Do you have any surprises awaiting your brother?” she asked.

  “Oh no, I dare not. Fitz is very precise in everything he does. I might muck up the wheels, you might say, if I tried to surprise him.”

  “Darling Georgiana, there is nothing you could do to lose his favor.” She gave a light laugh, and wondered at the slight grimace that crossed Georgiana’s face. It passed so quickly she thought she must have imagined it. “He intimated strongly, when we were all at Netherfield, that you were an accomplished young woman. You may recall that conversation, Elizabeth. You were there.”

  “It has been long known to me how much your brother respects and admires you, Georgiana. He is extremely proud to call you his sister,” Elizabeth said.

  “I... th..thank you,” her stammer becoming evident as she blushed at their words. “I confess I worry he only sees me as a young foolish girl.”

  All the women seated with her broke out in objection.

  “Nonsense.”

  “You’re a fine young woman.”

  “He’s so very proud of you.”

  Georgiana held up her hands and laughed. “Thank you. I’m grateful for your vote of confidence.” There was a noise in the hall and she glanced toward the open door. “Mrs. Bennet, Miss Bennets, please come join us for tea.”

  Elizabeth leaned forward and touched Georgiana’s arm. “We are going to be family and there are still too many Miss Bennets for mama’s liking. Please call my sisters by their Christian names. I’m sure you won’t mind, will you mama?”