The Cowboy's Valentine

by Donna Alward

  “I didn’t expect this,” she began, staring at her knees. “We were always bickering. Finding fault with each other. And then I got to know you better.”

  “I got to know you, too.” His voice was warm and affectionate.

  “But you don’t really know me, Quinn.” She looked up at him. “That’s just it. You know the parts that I’ve let you know.”

  “I know your divorce had a profound effect on you. That it’s been hard for you to bounce back from that rejection.”

  Bless him, he was trying. After being such a curmudgeon when they first met, the effort for tenderness and understanding only underscored how wonderful a man he was. “Oh, if it were only that.” She sighed. “Honestly, Quinn, it’s what led up to the divorce that really did a number on me. You had a brilliant marriage with Marie. I know that. A fool can see it. I can’t begin to compete with that.”

  His hand slid from hers. “I won’t deny that. We were really happy, and she was a wonderful wife and mom.”

  Lacey’s heart sank even further.

  “But Lacey, I never expected to feel like this again. Happy. Looking to the future, because I had something worth looking forward to. Something changed for me last night, do you get that? I took the first steps in moving on. I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about it, or like I’m somehow betraying Marie’s memory because the truth is she’s gone and never coming back and I’m still here.”

  His gaze held hers. “Look, I’m definitely not ready to move fast. I don’t think anyone could be more surprised than I am, but I’m not ready to walk away from us, either.”

  Oh, God. He was really making it tough. That he’d started to move beyond his grief...that it was because of her only added to her burden. She didn’t want to be responsible for that. “I only wanted to help the both of you out.”

  “Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?”

  She looked deeply into his eyes, wished she could say she didn’t. It would all end right here. Clean break, move on. Could she lie that convincingly? But Quinn never gave her the opportunity.

  “I was there last night,” he murmured. “With you. Inside you. I don’t think you’re that good of an actress, Lacey Duggan.”

  She swallowed. “I have feelings, okay? I couldn’t have been with you last night without them.”

  “So what? We were ships passing in the night?” The words were harder now, with an edge of hurt underlining them.

  “I can’t give you what you want, Quinn. I’m sorry.”

  Silence fell over the room, awkward and heavy.

  After a few moments he spoke again. “What if what I want is you?”

  The weight of the words pressed against her heart. “You are just realizing that there is a life out there waiting for you,” she replied, her stomach a tangle of anxiety. “You’re a family man—everyone can see that. You need a woman who can be the wife and mother you need. Don’t you want brothers and sisters for Amber?”

  “Maybe someday, but that’s putting the cart a little ahead of the horse, don’t you think?”

  She shook her head, prayed briefly for strength and calm. “No, I don’t. Because Quinn, I can never give you that. What I didn’t tell you is that...that I can’t have children.”

  She’d shocked him, that much was clear. His lips dropped open but no sound came out; his eyes widened with surprise. “So you see,” she continued, “as much as last night was wonderful, I can’t let you believe it was something it wasn’t.”

  “Wow.” His shoulders slumped a little as he let out a big breath. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “I’m sorry, Quinn. Maybe I should have stopped things before they got...intimate. You were just kissing me and it felt so good and it had been so long since I felt that desirable. Wanted.” She blinked, looked down. “That makes me sound opportunistic and a little vain.”

  “If you are, so am I.”

  She looked back up at him.

  “Hey,” he said softly. “You’re not the only one who was suffering a crisis of virility.”

  “You carried me across the yard and...”

  He grinned, a fleeting flash of teeth that reminded her of why she liked him so much. “And your face when I took my shirt off fed my ego.”

  Damn. They weren’t supposed to be playing into the sexual tension here.

  But the mood turned serious again. “Lacey, there are treatments you can try. I don’t want to see you close a door prematurely. You’d be a wonderful mother.”

  Tears stung the backs of her eyes. “Thanks for the compliment, but I’ve been down that road, Quinn. I tried treatments and procedures. I had scarring from endometriosis. At first it was just the pain and I was on meds for that, but then when we kept trying to get pregnant, and nothing happened, I went on hormone treatment. In the end I had a hysterectomy. No amount of treatment can help me now, you see. I can’t carry a child without a uterus.”

  There. It was out.

  “When you mentioned about the birth control then...wow, you really meant it.”

  She nodded. “You need to understand that we married young. We had high hopes and plans for this great future. You know the type. A house and a yard and a few kids running around with the family dog. But there were no kids. No dog. I held on to that dream too tightly. Carter was a bit of a jackass for leaving, but I can’t say he shoulders all the blame. My whole life became about hormones and fertility, I used up our savings and we didn’t even have the joy of a great sex life to keep us going because I had so much pain. By the time I had the hysterectomy, the marriage was beyond repair. My last bit of false hope was gone. The last thing I want to do, Quinn, is give you that hope and then disappoint you in the end. You’ve been through enough.”

  She raised her hand and put it on his cheek. “I care about you too much. I probably should have been honest before, but we were arguing and then I thought the whole attraction thing was one-sided. It’s not something I’m particularly open about.”

  “I’m so, so sorry,” he answered, putting his hand over top of hers. “And to have Amber here, and Carrie pregnant next door...that must be so hard for you.”

  She shook her head, more touched than she cared to admit by his consideration. “Carrie and Duke know, and I would never begrudge my brother his happiness. At first it was a challenge, I admit. It was better after I told them.”

  “They knew.”

  “Yes.”

  Was he mad about being left out of the sharing circle? She half wished he would be. It might be easier than dealing with sympathetic Quinn.

  “I’m glad someone was there for you to talk to,” he said. “Carrie’s good at that. So’s Kailey. They both listened to me often enough after Marie died.”

  She felt her heart clutch a little. “You have so much to offer, Quinn. You’re a great dad and a good man.”

  “You do, too, you know.”

  “I’m not sure of that. My head tells me I’m still Lacey Duggan, that I still have...gumption in here somewhere.” She pressed a fist to her chest. “My heart, though, isn’t convinced. Logically I can tell myself that the surgery didn’t make me less of a woman. But deep down, I feel like it does. And no one can change that.”

  Sometimes love was knowing when to let go. Lacey figured this was that moment.

  His expression darkened. “Did Carter tell you that?”

  He had. Not all the time, but when he got particularly frustrated. Lacey had felt like such a failure as a woman. Before the surgery, she’d been poked and prodded so many times it was ridiculous. There’d been hormonal swings and side effects, and sex had become mechanical. Even then, she’d held herself stiff, bracing for the pain that usually happened when they made love. She had felt totally and utterly betrayed by her body. When Carter had said he was done pretending, it had been a
relief.

  “I thought we would start over after the surgery. Get some counseling to put our marriage back together. Instead he moved out and started divorce proceedings right away. And he stuck me with the debt that we’d accumulated through all the treatments. You want to know why I had no emergency fund when I lost my job? I’m still paying those bills.”

  “He didn’t help pay?”

  “I was the one who pushed, so I was the one to pay.”

  To her surprise, he slid over on the sofa cushion until his thigh was pressed against hers, and he put his arm around her shoulders, urging her to lean on him. She didn’t want to, but he was so warm and strong and she was feeling so drained from this whole truth thing that she wilted a bit, resting her head on his shoulder.

  “Honey, I think you’ve already paid enough.”

  She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t.

  But she was very, very close.

  She turned into his embrace and let him hold her, let his steadfast strength give her a little bolster against all the hurt and disappointments. This was the problem with Quinn. If he were just a lover, it would be easier. But he was a friend, too. Sometimes they fought, sometimes they annoyed each other, but when the chips were down, he was the kind of man she could count on. Never before had she wished so fervently that she could be more perfect. Less flawed.

  She sniffed.

  He rubbed her back and said nothing, which was exactly what she needed.

  When it had gone on long enough, she pushed her way out of his arms again. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I needed that.”

  “I know.” He smiled at her. “So. Where do we go from here?”

  She frowned. “Nowhere, I guess. I’m sorry, Quinn. I just think this is better than really hurting each other down the road. There’s Amber to think of, too. I think we need to be really consistent there. She’s been through enough, and I know she’s already attached.”

  “Lots of thinking on your part.”

  “It’s nothing you haven’t already said. Besides, it’s better this way.”

  “Better for who?”

  Don’t make this more difficult than it already is, she thought. “For everyone. You’ll see. We should...just go on being friends. Besides, before long your house will be ready for you to move back home. Maybe this just happened because we spend so much time together already. We’ve been playing house, you know? But it’s not reality.”

  It sounded good. Even if she didn’t quite believe it herself.

  “If that’s what you want.” He sounded resigned and she tried to regret being with him last night. Tried because while she knew it would have been smarter, she couldn’t quite bring herself to feel sorry for how amazing it had been to feel that cherished and loved once again.

  “I think it’s best.”

  He put his hands on his knees, pushed himself to standing. “I guess I’d better get some shut-eye, then. Lots to catch up on tomorrow.”

  He was about to pass her on his way to the hall, but he stopped and knelt before her, putting his hands on her knees, his face just below hers so she couldn’t avoid looking into his eyes.

  “You have so much to offer, Lacey. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You got that?”

  She was in danger of sniffing again, but was saved when he got up and walked away. His footsteps sounded in muffled beats on the stairs, and still she sat there, not quite sure what to do with herself. Water ran in the upstairs bathroom, the toilet flushed, and the floors creaked a little as he went to his room and shut the door.

  She had to get up, move, go to bed. Tomorrow was another day.

  It was all fine until she went to crawl into bed. When she snuggled into the bedding, the scent of him wafted up from the sheets, an olfactory memory that immediately transported her to the previous night. A longing she wasn’t prepared for pierced her heart, stealing her breath, until the tears she’d held back so valiantly in the living room came trickling down her cheeks.

  All she’d ever wanted was a normal life. Nothing fancy. The love of a good man, a home to call her own, a family to love and care for. But she could never give Quinn the babies he wanted. The only thing worse than this feeling right now was knowing that she’d let down another man she loved.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Quinn saddled up Big Turk, one of the geldings, and went for a long ride. He needed to get out of the house and into the sunshine. Amber was at a playdate with one of her classmates, whose parents would bring her home in time for dinner. Right now what Quinn needed most was wide-open space, fresh air and some perspective.

  Turk was raring to go, dancing a little bit as Quinn held him back on the way to the east side of the ranch. There’d be time to let him loose once they got over the ridge and onto the flat part of the pasture. The sun was warm on Quinn’s back, a harbinger of the milder spring temperatures to come. Soon the melt would start, calves would be born, the grass would green and sure, they’d have a few more snowstorms. They always did. But the hardest part of the winter was nearly over.

  They hit the flats and Quinn gave Turk a nudge, both of them enjoying the run. It cleared away the cobwebs.

  His mind kept going around and around, thinking about what Lacey had said. She’d raised a lot of questions about how he saw his future. A couple of months ago he would have said bringing up Amber in the house where she’d been born, and working at Crooked Valley, helping Duke make the place profitable again. Something had changed since Christmas. And that change was Lacey. Suddenly he wanted more.

  Turk was getting lathered, so he slowed to a trot for a few minutes and then back to a walk again, heading to the top of a butte overlooking a creek bed. They crested the rise and Quinn took a deep, cleansing breath. Acres and acres of rolling pastureland spread out before him, the wide-open space awe-inspiring. Limitless.

  He frowned a little. That’s what Lacey had brought to his life. A sense of limitlessness, that there was more out there for him than his myopic vision. She had made him ask questions of himself, like what he really wanted out of his life. Before Lacey, he hadn’t considered other children, but now...she was right. He wanted them. He wanted Amber to know brothers and sisters. He wanted a home with warmth and laughter and not just getting by. Lacey had given him that over the last weeks, bringing him back to life bit by bit. He’d let things go the other night because he’d known two things: he needed to think about what she was saying, and she’d made up her mind and nothing would change it, at least at that time.

  The big question was, what was he going to do about it now? There was no escaping the fact that Lacey couldn’t give him those children. But the home with warmth and laughter? Someone to share his life with, to talk to at the end of the day? He could see all those things with her. He had put all of his energy into his daughter, but even he could see the difference in the dynamic when Lacey was around. There was an ease to things when Lacey was added to the equation. A sense of rightness that had been missing when he and Amber had been muddling through.

  Maybe, just maybe, if he could convince her to give them a try, they could look at other options for building their family.

  Good heavens, was he really thinking about a future? Marriage? It seemed premature, and yet, in his situation, he didn’t really know how to do casual. Any woman he dated—and Lacey was the first—had to be viewed as a potential mom for Amber. That’s just how it was when you were a single parent. It was a package deal. His heart gave a little thump when he realized that Lacey and Amber had gotten along awesomely from the beginning. She was kind and firm and fun, and his daughter, who had once been insecure, had started to blossom just from being around her. If only Lacey could see the miracle she’d accomplished!

  Quinn turned Turk around and headed back towards home. He was facing the wind now, and he turned his collar up against the chill. The pl
ain truth was that despite fighting it at every turn, he’d fallen in love with her. Valentine’s Day hadn’t been about scratching an itch. It had been about starting a new chapter of his life—a chapter with her in it.

  What Lacey needed was someone to counteract all the cruddy hogwash that Carter had fed her. The whole thing about him deserving better and her being less of a woman was bull. It wasn’t like it was her choice to be sick. He’d like five minutes alone with her ex-husband to set him straight. But seeing as that wasn’t likely and probably wouldn’t help matters anyway, he figured that he needed to find a way to help her rebuild that confidence the way she’d rebuilt his. To let her see that she could have those things. That she deserved them.

  It wasn’t until he was nearly to the barnyard again that he came up with an idea. He’d need Amber’s help, of course, but that wouldn’t be a problem. His daughter would love this particular job.

  He took a half hour to settle Turk and then he headed to his office to make some phone calls.

  * * *

  QUINN PULLED IN to the driveway and looked over at Amber. She was practically bouncing in her seat, anxious to get out and see the puppies.

  “Okay, so you need to remember that this puppy is for Lacey, right?” He wanted Amber to be part of it, but wanted her to be prepared for the fact that the dog would be living at Crooked Valley and not at their house. He didn’t expect it would be too rough because Amber spent a lot of time at the ranch and could see Lacey’s dog often.

  “I know, Daddy, I know. Come on!” She struggled impatiently with the seat belt crossing her booster seat. With a laugh, Quinn reached back and helped and she was out of the truck in a jiffy.

  Sue Bramstock had a litter of puppies for sale and Quinn had remembered Lacey talking about planning the house, kids, picket fence and dogs. Well, she had the house, if she wanted to keep it. The Crooked Valley big house suited her to a tee. Instead of picket fences, there were corrals and pastures, and Quinn couldn’t do anything about the kids. But he could get her a dog.