When Life Gives You Lululemons

by Lauren Weisberger

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  To my entire family, with love

  Part One

  1

  Again with the Nazi Getup?

  Emily

  Emily racked her brain. There had to be something to complain about. This was New Year’s Eve in Los Angeles, one of the most annoying nights of the year in arguably the most annoying city known to humanity. So why couldn’t she think of a thing?

  She sipped her skinny margarita from her chaise and watched her husband’s beautiful body cut through the water like a moving art installation. When Miles emerged, he propped himself on the back of the lit infinity pool, where the turquoise water appeared to spill over the side and straight down the mountain. Behind him, the lights from the valley twinkled for miles, making the city look alluring, even sexy. Night was the only time Los Angeles really shone. Gone were the smog and the junkies and the soul-crushing traffic, all replaced by an idyllic vista of night sky and silently twinkling lights—as if God Himself had descended into the Hollywood Hills and selected the most perfect Snapchat filter for His least favorite city on earth.

  Miles smiled at her and she waved, but when he motioned for her to join him, she shook her head. It was unseasonably warm, and all around her, people were partying in that intensely determined way that happened only on New Year’s Eve after midnight: This will be the most fun we’ve ever had; we will do and say outrageous things; we are loving our lives and everyone around us. The massive hot tub was packed with a dozen revelers, all with drinks in hand, and another group sat around the perimeter, content to dangle their feet while they waited for a few inches of space to free up. On the deck above the pool a DJ blasted remixed hip-hop, and dancers everywhere—on the patio, in the pool, on the pool deck, streaming in and out of the house—all moved happily to his playlist. On the chair to Emily’s left, a young girl wearing only bikini bottoms straddled a guy and massaged his shoulders while her bare breasts dangled freely. She worked her way down his back and began a rather aggressive handling of his glutes. She was twenty-three, twenty-five at most, and while her body was far from perfect—slightly rounded belly and overly curvy thighs—her arms didn’t jiggle and her neck didn’t sag. No crepey anything. Just youth. None of the small indignities of Emily’s own body at thirty-six: light stretch marks on her hips; cleavage with just the smallest hint of sag; some errant dark hairs along her bikini line that just seemed to sprout now willy-nilly, indifferent to Emily’s indefatigable waxing schedule. It wasn’t a horror show, exactly—she still looked thin and tan, maybe even downright hot in her elegant Eres two-piece—but it was getting harder with every passing year.

  An unfamiliar 917 number flashed on her phone.

  “Emily? This is Helene. I’m not sure if you remember, but we met a couple years ago at the Met Ball.”

  Emily looked skyward in concentration. Though the name was familiar, she was having a hard time placing it. Silence filled the air.

  “I’m Rizzo’s manager.”

  Rizzo. Interesting. He was the new Bieber: the hottest pop star whose fame had skyrocketed when, two years earlier at age sixteen, he’d become the youngest male to win a Grammy for Album of the Year. Helene had moved to Hollywood to join an agency—either ICM or Endeavor, Emily couldn’t remember—but she’d somehow missed the news that Helene now represented Rizzo.

  “Of course. How are you?” Emily asked. She glanced at her watch. This was no ordinary call.

  “I’m sorry I’m calling so late,” Helene said. “It’s already four a.m. here in New York, but you’re probably in L.A. I feel terrible interrupting . . .”

  “No, it’s fine. I’m at Gigi Hadid’s childhood mansion and not nearly as drunk as I should be. What’s up?”

  A shriek came from the pool. Two girls had jumped in together, holding hands, and were splashing Miles and a couple of his friends. Emily rolled her eyes.

  “Well, I, uh . . .” Helene cleared her throat. “We’re off the record, right?”

  “Of course.” This sounded promising.

  “I’m not sure I understand the whole story myself, but Riz appeared on Seacrest’s Times Square show earlier tonight—everything was fine, it went off without a hitch. Afterward, I went to meet up with some old college friends, and Rizzo was headed to some party at 1 OAK. Sober, at least when he left me. Happy about his performance.”

  “Okay . . .”

  “And just this second I got texted a picture from a colleague who works in ICM’s New York office and happens to be at 1 OAK right now . . .”

  “And?”

  “And it’s not good.”

  “What? Is he passed out? Covered in his own puke? Kissing a guy? Doing lines? Groping an underage girl?”

  Helene sighed and began to speak, but she was drowned out by shrieking laughter. In the shallow end, a girl with hot pink hair and a thong bikini had found her way atop Miles’s shoulders for an improvised chicken fight.

  “Sorry, can you repeat that? It’s a little chaotic here,” Emily said as she watched the tiny piece of suit fabric wedge even tighter between the girl’s naked ass cheeks, themselves spread straight across the back of Emily’s husband’s neck.

  “He appears to be wearing a Nazi costume.”

  “A what?”

  “Like with a swastika armband and a coordinating headband. Storm trooper boots. The whole nine.”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ,” Emily muttered without thinking.

  “That bad?”

  “Well, it’s not great. Prince Harry pulled that stunt forever ago—but we have to work with what we have. I’m not going to lie, I would’ve preferred drugs or boys.”

  In the pool, the pink-haired girl on Miles’s shoulders reached behind her back, yanked the tie of her bikini top, and began swinging the top around her head like a lasso.

  “First things first: who knows?” Emily asked.

  “Nothing has shown up online yet, but of course, it’s only a matter of time.”

  “Just so we’re clear: you’re calling to hire me, yes?” Emily asked.

  “Yes. Definitely.”

  “Okay, then right now I want you to text your colleague and have him get Rizzo into the men’s room and out of that getup. I don’t care if he’s wearing a gold lamé banana hammock, it’s better than the Nazi thing.”

  “I already did that. He gave Riz his button-down and shoes, confiscated the armband, and let him keep the trousers, which apparently are bright red. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best we can do, especially since I can’t reach Rizzo directly. But someone will post something any second, I’m sure.”

  “Agreed, so listen up. Here’s the plan. You’re going to jump in a cab and head over to 1 OAK and forcibly remove him. Bring a girl or two, it’ll look better, and then get him back to his apartment and don’t let him leave. Sit in front of the damn door if you have to. Do you have his passwords? Actually, forget it—just take his phone. Drop it in the toilet. We need to buy ourselves time without some idiotic drunken tweet from him.”

  “Okay. Will do.”

  “The first flight out of here is six a.m. I’m going home to pack, and then I’ll head to the airport. The story will definitely break while I’m in the air, if not before. Do not—I repeat, do not�
��make a statement. Do not let him talk to anyone, not even the delivery guy who brings up the food. Information lockdown, you understand? No matter how bad the photos are, or how horrified the reaction—and trust me, it’s going to be bad—I want no response until I get there, okay?”

  “Thank you, Emily. I’m going to owe you for this one.”

  “Go now!” Emily said, managing not to utter what she was actually thinking—namely, that the charge for her time and the holiday and the travel was going to take Helene’s breath away.

  She took the last sip of her margarita, set the drink on the glass table next to her, and stood up, trying to ignore the couple beside her who may or may not have been having actual intercourse.

  “Miles? Honey?” Emily called as politely as she could manage.

  No response.

  “Miles, love? Can you please move her thighs away from your ears for thirty seconds? I have to leave.”

  She was pleased to see her husband unceremoniously lower the girl into the water and swim over to the side. “You’re not mad, are you? She’s just some dumb kid.”

  Emily knelt. “Of course I’m not mad. If you’re going to cheat, you better pick someone a hell of a lot hotter than that.” She nodded toward the girl, who looked not at all pleased with her wet hair. “I got a call from New York. It’s an emergency with Rizzo. I’m running home to get a bag and hopefully get to LAX for the six a.m. I’ll call you when I land, okay?”

  This was hardly the first time Emily had been called away in the middle of something—her surgeon girlfriend claimed Emily had worse call hours than she did—but Miles looked positively stupefied.

  “It’s New Year’s Eve. Isn’t there anyone in New York who can handle this?” His unhappiness was obvious, and Emily felt a pang, but she tried to keep it light.

  “Sorry, love. Can’t say no to this one. Stay, have fun. Not too much fun . . .” She added the last part to make him feel better—she wasn’t one iota concerned about Miles doing anything stupid. She bent down and pecked his wet lips. “Call you later,” she said, and wove through the throngs to the circular driveway, where one of the cute valets motioned for a Town Car to pull around. He held the door for her, and she flashed him a smile and a ten-dollar bill.

  “Two stops, please,” she said to the driver. “First one is on Santa Monica Boulevard, where you’ll wait for me. Then to the airport. And fast.”

  New York, her first and truest love, awaited.

  2

  Living the Dream

  Miriam

  It was only the beginning of mile two, and she felt like she might die of suffocation. Her breaths came in jagged gulps, but no matter how deeply she took in air, Miriam was unable to slow her heart rate. She checked her Fitbit for the thousandth time in the past sixteen minutes—how could it have been only sixteen minutes?!—and briefly worried that the reading of 165 might kill her. Which would officially make her the only woman in all of Greenwich, or perhaps all the earth, who had dropped dead after running—really, if she were being honest, walking—a single lousy mile in sixteen minutes.

  But she had shown up! Wasn’t that what all the feel-good bloggers and motivational authors were always screeching about? No judgments, just show up! Show up and you’ve already won the battle! Don’t expect perfection—showing up is enough! “Fuckers,” she mumbled, streaming massive puffs of steam in the freezing January air. Motivating for a jog at seven o’clock in the morning on January 1—was more than just showing up. It was a downright triumph.

  “Morning!” a woman called as she raced by Miriam on the left, nearly jolting what was left of her heart into immediate cardiac arrest.

  “Hi!” Miriam shouted to the back of the woman, who ran like a black-clad gazelle: Lululemon leggings with elaborate mesh cutouts that looked both cool and extremely cold; fitted black puffer that ended at her nonexistent hips; black Nikes on her feet; and some sort of technical-looking hat with the cutest puffball on top. Her legs went on forever, and her butt looked so firm that it wouldn’t possibly hold so much as a bobby pin underneath, never mind a full-size hairbrush, which Miriam had once tucked successfully and devastatingly under her left ass cheek.

  Miriam slowed to a walk, but before she could regain anything resembling composure, two women in equally fabulous workout outfits ran toward Miriam on the opposite side of the street. A golden retriever pulled happily on the leash of the hot pink puffer coat while a panting chocolate Lab yanked along the woman in the army green. The entire entourage looked like a mobile Christmas card and was moving at a brisk pace.

  “Happy New Year,” the golden owner said as they sprinted past Miriam.

  “You too,” she muttered, relieved it was no one she knew. Not that she’d met many moms in the five months since they’d moved to town just in time for the twins to start kindergarten and Benjamin to start second grade at their new public school. Beyond saying hello to a few moms at school drop-off twice a day, she hadn’t had much opportunity to meet a lot of other women. Paul claimed it was the same in wealthy suburbs everywhere—that people stayed holed up in their big houses with everything they needed either upstairs or downstairs: their gyms, their screening rooms, their wine cellars and tasting tables. Nannies played with children, rendering playdates unnecessary. Housekeepers did the grocery shopping. Staff, staff, and more staff to do everything from mow the lawn to chlorinate the pool to change the lightbulbs.

  The heady smell of burning wood greeted Miriam the moment she stepped into the mudroom, and a quick peek in the family room confirmed that her husband had read her mind about wanting to sit next to a fire. It was one of the things she loved most about suburban living so far: morning fires. Otherwise bleak mornings were instantly cozy; her children’s cheeks were even more delicious.

  “Mommy’s home!” Matthew, five years old and obsessed with weaponry, shouted from the arm of the couch, where he balanced in pajamas, brandishing a realistic-looking sword.

  “Mommy! Matthew won’t give me a turn with the sword and we’re supposed to share!” his twin sister, Maisie, screeched from under the kitchen table, which was her favorite place to sulk.

  “Mom, can I have your password to buy Hellion?” Benjamin asked without looking up from Miriam’s hijacked iPad.

  “No,” she said. “Who said yes to screen time right now? No iPad. It’s family time.”

  “Your fingerprint, then? Please? Jameson says it’s the coolest game he’s ever played! Why does he get it and I don’t?”

  “Because his mommy is nicer than me,” she said, managing to kiss her son on top of his head before he squirmed away.

  Paul stood at the stove in flannel pajama pants and a fleece sweatshirt, intently flipping pancakes on the griddle. “I’m so impressed,” he said. “I have no idea how you motivated this morning.” Miriam couldn’t help but think how handsome he was despite all the premature gray hair. He was only three years older than she, but he could have been mistaken for being a decade her senior.

  Miriam grabbed her midsection, ending up with two handfuls of flesh. “This is how.”

  Paul placed the last pancake on a plated pile nearly a dozen high and turned off the stove. He walked over and embraced her. “You’re perfect just the way you are,” he said automatically. “Here, have one.”

  “No way. I didn’t suffer through twenty minutes of sheer hell to kill it all with a pancake.”

  “Are they ready, Daddy? Are they? Are they?”

  “Can we have whipped cream on them?”

  “And ice cream?”

  “I don’t want the ones with the blueberries!”

  In a flash, all three children had gathered at the kitchen table, nearly hyperventilating with excitement. Miriam tried to ignore the epic mess and focus on her children’s joy and her husband’s kindness, but it was tough with flour covering every inch of countertop, batter splattered on the backsplash, and errant chocolate chips and blueberries spread across the floor.

  “Anyone want some fruit
salad or yogurt?” she asked, pulling both from the fridge.

  “Not me!” they all shouted in unison through mouthfuls of pancake.

  Yeah, me neither, Miriam thought to herself as she scooped some out. She spooned a bite into her mouth and nearly spat it into the sink. The yogurt had clearly gone bad, and not even the sweet strawberries could mask the rancid taste. She scraped the entire bowl’s contents into the garbage disposal and considered hard-boiling some eggs. She even nibbled one of those cardboard-like fiber crackers, but two bites in, she just couldn’t.

  “Live a little,” she murmured to herself, grabbing a chocolate chip pancake from the top of the pile and shoving it into her mouth.

  “Aren’t they good, Mommy? Do you want to try it with whipped cream?” Benjamin asked, waving the canister like a trophy.

  “Yes, please,” she said, holding out her remaining piece for him to squirt. Screw it. She was setting a good example for her daughter that food wasn’t the enemy, right? Everything in moderation. No eating disorders in this house. She had just popped a pod into the coffee machine when she heard Paul mutter, “Holy shit.”

  “Daddy! Language!” Maisie said, sounding exactly like Miriam.

  “Daddy said a bad word! Daddy said ‘shit’!”

  “Sorry, sorry,” he murmured, his face buried in the newspaper Miriam had set on the table. “Miriam, come look at this.”

  “I’ll be right there. Do you want a cup too?”

  “Now. Come here now.”

  “What is it, Daddy? What’s in the newspaper?”

  “Here, have another pancake,” Paul said to Maisie as he handed the paper over to Miriam.

  Below the fold but still on the very first page blared the headline: MADD: MOTHERS ALL-FOR DRUNK DRIVING! SENATOR’S WIFE SLAPPED WITH DUI . . . WITH KIDS IN THE CAR!

  “Holy shit.”

  “Mommy! You said ‘shit’!”

  “Daddy, now Mommy said a bad word!”