Our Mutual Friend

by Charles Dickens

  Chapter 12

  MEANING MISCHIEF

  Up came the sun, steaming all over London, and in its gloriousimpartiality even condescending to make prismatic sparkles in thewhiskers of Mr Alfred Lammle as he sat at breakfast. In need of somebrightening from without, was Mr Alfred Lammle, for he had the air ofbeing dull enough within, and looked grievously discontented.

  Mrs Alfred Lammle faced her lord. The happy pair of swindlers, withthe comfortable tie between them that each had swindled the other, satmoodily observant of the tablecloth. Things looked so gloomy in thebreakfast-room, albeit on the sunny side of Sackville Street, that anyof the family tradespeople glancing through the blinds might have takenthe hint to send in his account and press for it. But this, indeed, mostof the family tradespeople had already done, without the hint.

  'It seems to me,' said Mrs Lammle, 'that you have had no money at all,ever since we have been married.'

  'What seems to you,' said Mr Lammle, 'to have been the case, maypossibly have been the case. It doesn't matter.'

  Was it the speciality of Mr and Mrs Lammle, or does it ever obtainwith other loving couples? In these matrimonial dialogues they neveraddressed each other, but always some invisible presence that appearedto take a station about midway between them. Perhaps the skeleton in thecupboard comes out to be talked to, on such domestic occasions?

  'I have never seen any money in the house,' said Mrs Lammle to theskeleton, 'except my own annuity. That I swear.'

  'You needn't take the trouble of swearing,' said Mr Lammle to theskeleton; 'once more, it doesn't matter. You never turned your annuityto so good an account.'

  'Good an account! In what way?' asked Mrs Lammle.

  'In the way of getting credit, and living well,' said Mr Lammle. Perhapsthe skeleton laughed scornfully on being intrusted with this questionand this answer; certainly Mrs Lammle did, and Mr Lammle did.

  'And what is to happen next?' asked Mrs Lammle of the skeleton.

  'Smash is to happen next,' said Mr Lammle to the same authority.

  After this, Mrs Lammle looked disdainfully at the skeleton--but withoutcarrying the look on to Mr Lammle--and drooped her eyes. After that, MrLammle did exactly the same thing, and drooped HIS eyes. A servant thenentering with toast, the skeleton retired into the closet, and shutitself up.

  'Sophronia,' said Mr Lammle, when the servant had withdrawn. And then,very much louder: 'Sophronia!'

  'Well?'

  'Attend to me, if you please.' He eyed her sternly until she did attend,and then went on. 'I want to take counsel with you. Come, come; no moretrifling. You know our league and covenant. We are to work together forour joint interest, and you are as knowing a hand as I am. We shouldn'tbe together, if you were not. What's to be done? We are hemmed into acorner. What shall we do?'

  'Have you no scheme on foot that will bring in anything?'

  Mr Lammle plunged into his whiskers for reflection, and came outhopeless: 'No; as adventurers we are obliged to play rash games forchances of high winnings, and there has been a run of luck against us.'

  She was resuming, 'Have you nothing--' when he stopped her.

  'We, Sophronia. We, we, we.'

  'Have we nothing to sell?'

  'Deuce a bit. I have given a Jew a bill of sale on this furniture, andhe could take it to-morrow, to-day, now. He would have taken it beforenow, I believe, but for Fledgeby.'

  'What has Fledgeby to do with him?'

  'Knew him. Cautioned me against him before I got into his claws.Couldn't persuade him then, in behalf of somebody else.'

  'Do you mean that Fledgeby has at all softened him towards you?'

  'Us, Sophronia. Us, us, us.'

  'Towards us?'

  'I mean that the Jew has not yet done what he might have done, and thatFledgeby takes the credit of having got him to hold his hand.'

  'Do you believe Fledgeby?'

  'Sophronia, I never believe anybody. I never have, my dear, since Ibelieved you. But it looks like it.'

  Having given her this back-handed reminder of her mutinous observationsto the skeleton, Mr Lammle rose from table--perhaps, the better toconceal a smile, and a white dint or two about his nose--and took a turnon the carpet and came to the hearthrug.

  'If we could have packed the brute off with Georgiana;--but however;that's spilled milk.'

  As Lammle, standing gathering up the skirts of his dressing-gown withhis back to the fire, said this, looking down at his wife, she turnedpale and looked down at the ground. With a sense of disloyalty uponher, and perhaps with a sense of personal danger--for she was afraid ofhim--even afraid of his hand and afraid of his foot, though he had neverdone her violence--she hastened to put herself right in his eyes.

  'If we could borrow money, Alfred--'

  'Beg money, borrow money, or steal money. It would be all one to us,Sophronia,' her husband struck in.

  '--Then, we could weather this?'

  'No doubt. To offer another original and undeniable remark, Sophronia,two and two make four.'

  But, seeing that she was turning something in her mind, he gathered upthe skirts of his dressing-gown again, and, tucking them under one arm,and collecting his ample whiskers in his other hand, kept his eye uponher, silently.

  'It is natural, Alfred,' she said, looking up with some timidity intohis face, 'to think in such an emergency of the richest people we know,and the simplest.'

  'Just so, Sophronia.'

  'The Boffins.'

  'Just so, Sophronia.'

  'Is there nothing to be done with them?'

  'What is there to be done with them, Sophronia?'

  She cast about in her thoughts again, and he kept his eye upon her asbefore.

  'Of course I have repeatedly thought of the Boffins, Sophronia,' heresumed, after a fruitless silence; 'but I have seen my way to nothing.They are well guarded. That infernal Secretary stands between themand--people of merit.'

  'If he could be got rid of?' said she, brightening a little, after morecasting about.

  'Take time, Sophronia,' observed her watchful husband, in a patronizingmanner.

  'If working him out of the way could be presented in the light of aservice to Mr Boffin?'

  'Take time, Sophronia.'

  'We have remarked lately, Alfred, that the old man is turning verysuspicious and distrustful.'

  'Miserly too, my dear; which is far the most unpromising for us.Nevertheless, take time, Sophronia, take time.'

  She took time and then said:

  'Suppose we should address ourselves to that tendency in him of which wehave made ourselves quite sure. Suppose my conscience--'

  'And we know what a conscience it is, my soul. Yes?'

  'Suppose my conscience should not allow me to keep to myself anylonger what that upstart girl told me of the Secretary's having made adeclaration to her. Suppose my conscience should oblige me to repeat itto Mr Boffin.'

  'I rather like that,' said Lammle.

  'Suppose I so repeated it to Mr Boffin, as to insinuate that mysensitive delicacy and honour--'

  'Very good words, Sophronia.'

  '--As to insinuate that OUR sensitive delicacy and honour,' she resumed,with a bitter stress upon the phrase, 'would not allow us to be silentparties to so mercenary and designing a speculation on the Secretary'spart, and so gross a breach of faith towards his confiding employer.Suppose I had imparted my virtuous uneasiness to my excellent husband,and he had said, in his integrity, "Sophronia, you must immediatelydisclose this to Mr Boffin."'

  'Once more, Sophronia,' observed Lammle, changing the leg on which hestood, 'I rather like that.'

  'You remark that he is well guarded,' she pursued. 'I think so too. Butif this should lead to his discharging his Secretary, there would be aweak place made.'

  'Go on expounding, Sophronia. I begin to like this very much.'

  'Having, in our unimpeachable rectitude, done him the service of openinghis eyes to the treachery of the person he trusted, we shall haveestablished a
claim upon him and a confidence with him. Whether itcan be made much of, or little of, we must wait--because we can't helpit--to see. Probably we shall make the most of it that is to be made.'

  'Probably,' said Lammle.

  'Do you think it impossible,' she asked, in the same cold plotting way,'that you might replace the Secretary?'

  'Not impossible, Sophronia. It might be brought about. At any rate itmight be skilfully led up to.'

  She nodded her understanding of the hint, as she looked at the fire. 'MrLammle,' she said, musingly: not without a slight ironical touch: 'MrLammle would be so delighted to do anything in his power. Mr Lammle,himself a man of business as well as a capitalist. Mr Lammle, accustomedto be intrusted with the most delicate affairs. Mr Lammle, who hasmanaged my own little fortune so admirably, but who, to be sure, beganto make his reputation with the advantage of being a man of property,above temptation, and beyond suspicion.'

  Mr Lammle smiled, and even patted her on the head. In his sinisterrelish of the scheme, as he stood above her, making it the subject ofhis cogitations, he seemed to have twice as much nose on his face as hehad ever had in his life.

  He stood pondering, and she sat looking at the dusty fire withoutmoving, for some time. But, the moment he began to speak again shelooked up with a wince and attended to him, as if that double-dealing ofhers had been in her mind, and the fear were revived in her of his handor his foot.

  'It appears to me, Sophronia, that you have omitted one branch of thesubject. Perhaps not, for women understand women. We might oust the girlherself?'

  Mrs Lammle shook her head. 'She has an immensely strong hold upon themboth, Alfred. Not to be compared with that of a paid secretary.'

  'But the dear child,' said Lammle, with a crooked smile, 'ought to havebeen open with her benefactor and benefactress. The darling loveought to have reposed unbounded confidence in her benefactor andbenefactress.'

  Sophronia shook her head again.

  'Well! Women understand women,' said her husband, rather disappointed.'I don't press it. It might be the making of our fortune to make aclean sweep of them both. With me to manage the property, and my wife tomanage the people--Whew!'

  Again shaking her head, she returned: 'They will never quarrel with thegirl. They will never punish the girl. We must accept the girl, relyupon it.'

  'Well!' cried Lammle, shrugging his shoulders, 'so be it: only alwaysremember that we don't want her.'

  'Now, the sole remaining question is,' said Mrs Lammle, 'when shall Ibegin?'

  'You cannot begin too soon, Sophronia. As I have told you, the conditionof our affairs is desperate, and may be blown upon at any moment.'

  'I must secure Mr Boffin alone, Alfred. If his wife was present, shewould throw oil upon the waters. I know I should fail to move him to anangry outburst, if his wife was there. And as to the girl herself--as Iam going to betray her confidence, she is equally out of the question.'

  'It wouldn't do to write for an appointment?' said Lammle.

  'No, certainly not. They would wonder among themselves why I wrote, andI want to have him wholly unprepared.'

  'Call, and ask to see him alone?' suggested Lammle.

  'I would rather not do that either. Leave it to me. Spare me the littlecarriage for to-day, and for to-morrow (if I don't succeed to-day), andI'll lie in wait for him.'

  It was barely settled when a manly form was seen to pass the windowsand heard to knock and ring. 'Here's Fledgeby,' said Lammle. 'He admiresyou, and has a high opinion of you. I'll be out. Coax him to use hisinfluence with the Jew. His name is Riah, of the House of Pubsey andCo.' Adding these words under his breath, lest he should be audiblein the erect ears of Mr Fledgeby, through two keyholes and the hall,Lammle, making signals of discretion to his servant, went softly upstairs.

  'Mr Fledgeby,' said Mrs Lammle, giving him a very gracious reception,'so glad to see you! My poor dear Alfred, who is greatly worried justnow about his affairs, went out rather early. Dear Mr Fledgeby, do sitdown.'

  Dear Mr Fledgeby did sit down, and satisfied himself (or, judging fromthe expression of his countenance, DISsatisfied himself) that nothingnew had occurred in the way of whisker-sprout since he came round thecorner from the Albany.

  'Dear Mr Fledgeby, it was needless to mention to you that my poor dearAlfred is much worried about his affairs at present, for he has told mewhat a comfort you are to him in his temporary difficulties, and what agreat service you have rendered him.'

  'Oh!' said Mr Fledgeby.

  'Yes,' said Mrs Lammle.

  'I didn't know,' remarked Mr Fledgeby, trying a new part of his chair,'but that Lammle might be reserved about his affairs.'

  'Not to me,' said Mrs Lammle, with deep feeling.

  'Oh, indeed?' said Fledgeby.

  'Not to me, dear Mr Fledgeby. I am his wife.'

  'Yes. I--I always understood so,' said Mr Fledgeby.

  'And as the wife of Alfred, may I, dear Mr Fledgeby, wholly without hisauthority or knowledge, as I am sure your discernment will perceive,entreat you to continue that great service, and once more use yourwell-earned influence with Mr Riah for a little more indulgence? Thename I have heard Alfred mention, tossing in his dreams, IS Riah; is itnot?'

  'The name of the Creditor is Riah,' said Mr Fledgeby, with a ratheruncompromising accent on his noun-substantive. 'Saint Mary Axe. Pubseyand Co.'

  'Oh yes!' exclaimed Mrs Lammle, clasping her hands with a certaingushing wildness. 'Pubsey and Co.!'

  'The pleading of the feminine--' Mr Fledgeby began, and there stuck solong for a word to get on with, that Mrs Lammle offered him sweetly,'Heart?'

  'No,' said Mr Fledgeby, 'Gender--is ever what a man is bound to listento, and I wish it rested with myself. But this Riah is a nasty one, MrsLammle; he really is.'

  'Not if YOU speak to him, dear Mr Fledgeby.'

  'Upon my soul and body he is!' said Fledgeby.

  'Try. Try once more, dearest Mr Fledgeby. What is there you cannot do,if you will!'

  'Thank you,' said Fledgeby, 'you're very complimentary to say so. Idon't mind trying him again, at your request. But of course I can'tanswer for the consequences. Riah is a tough subject, and when he sayshe'll do a thing, he'll do it.'

  'Exactly so,' cried Mrs Lammle, 'and when he says to you he'll wait,he'll wait.'

  ('She is a devilish clever woman,' thought Fledgeby. 'I didn't see thatopening, but she spies it out and cuts into it as soon as it's made. ')

  'In point of fact, dear Mr Fledgeby,' Mrs Lammle went on in a veryinteresting manner, 'not to affect concealment of Alfred's hopes, to youwho are so much his friend, there is a distant break in his horizon.'

  This figure of speech seemed rather mysterious to Fascination Fledgeby,who said, 'There's a what in his--eh?'

  'Alfred, dear Mr Fledgeby, discussed with me this very morning before hewent out, some prospects he has, which might entirely change the aspectof his present troubles.'

  'Really?' said Fledgeby.

  'O yes!' Here Mrs Lammle brought her handkerchief into play. 'And youknow, dear Mr Fledgeby--you who study the human heart, and study theworld--what an affliction it would be to lose position and to losecredit, when ability to tide over a very short time might save allappearances.'

  'Oh!' said Fledgeby. 'Then you think, Mrs Lammle, that if Lammlegot time, he wouldn't burst up?--To use an expression,' Mr Fledgebyapologetically explained, 'which is adopted in the Money Market.'

  'Indeed yes. Truly, truly, yes!'

  'That makes all the difference,' said Fledgeby. 'I'll make a point ofseeing Riah at once.'

  'Blessings on you, dearest Mr Fledgeby!'

  'Not at all,' said Fledgeby. She gave him her hand. 'The hand,' said MrFledgeby, 'of a lovely and superior-minded female is ever the repaymentof a--'

  'Noble action!' said Mrs Lammle, extremely anxious to get rid of him.

  'It wasn't what I was going to say,' returned Fledgeby, who never would,under any circumstances, accept a suggested expression, 'but you're
verycomplimentary. May I imprint a--a one--upon it? Good morning!'

  'I may depend upon your promptitude, dearest Mr Fledgeby?'

  Said Fledgeby, looking back at the door and respectfully kissing hishand, 'You may depend upon it.'

  In fact, Mr Fledgeby sped on his errand of mercy through the streets,at so brisk a rate that his feet might have been winged by all the goodspirits that wait on Generosity. They might have taken up their stationin his breast, too, for he was blithe and merry. There was quite a freshtrill in his voice, when, arriving at the counting-house in St Mary Axe,and finding it for the moment empty, he trolled forth at the foot of thestaircase: 'Now, Judah, what are you up to there?'

  The old man appeared, with his accustomed deference.

  'Halloa!' said Fledgeby, falling back, with a wink. 'You mean mischief,Jerusalem!'

  The old man raised his eyes inquiringly.

  'Yes you do,' said Fledgeby. 'Oh, you sinner! Oh, you dodger! What!You're going to act upon that bill of sale at Lammle's, are you? Nothingwill turn you, won't it? You won't be put off for another single minute,won't you?'

  Ordered to immediate action by the master's tone and look, the old mantook up his hat from the little counter where it lay.

  'You have been told that he might pull through it, if you didn't go into win, Wide-Awake; have you?' said Fledgeby. 'And it's not your gamethat he should pull through it; ain't it? You having got security, andthere being enough to pay you? Oh, you Jew!'

  The old man stood irresolute and uncertain for a moment, as if theremight be further instructions for him in reserve.

  'Do I go, sir?' he at length asked in a low voice.

  'Asks me if he is going!' exclaimed Fledgeby. 'Asks me, as if he didn'tknow his own purpose! Asks me, as if he hadn't got his hat on ready!Asks me, as if his sharp old eye--why, it cuts like a knife--wasn'tlooking at his walking-stick by the door!'

  'Do I go, sir?'

  'Do you go?' sneered Fledgeby. 'Yes, you do go. Toddle, Judah!'