Creepiosity: A Hilarious Guide to the Unintentionally Creepy

by David Bickel

  Creepiosity copyright © 2010 by David Bickel. All rights reserved. Printed in China. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

  E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-0031-6

  Cover design by Adrian Morgan

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2009940860

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  INTRODUCTION

  CREEPINESS

  The American Heritage Dictionary describes creepiness as “Of or producing a sensation of uneasiness or fear: a creepy feeling; a creepy story.”

  It’s the stuff of horror films. The house in the middle of the woods. The killer with the hockey mask. Even the sight of an empty playground. All designed to make us uncomfortable.

  But what about all the unintentionally creepy things we come across that give us a similarly uneasy feeling? Miniature ponies. Canned deviled ham. The preschool that’s really someone’s house with a badly painted picture of Mickey Mouse on it.

  That’s what Creepiosity is all about.

  The Science of Creepiology

  The relative level of creepiness in a particular subject is determined using the science of creepiology. People often ask me, “Come on, is creepiology really a science?” To which I usually scowl and patronizingly ask, “ls biology a science? Is physiology a science?” Obviously, if it ends in “-ogy,” it’s a science, you numbskull!

  I studied creepiology for four years at Yale University. (In retrospect, I should’ve realized sooner that it wasn’t the real Yale University that’s in Hartford or Stamford or wherever it is. This one was in Passaic. And it was actually spelled “Y-A-I-L.” Fool me once, huh? Ha ha.)

  Then it was off to Printston for my master’s, where I studied under the great Edgar P. Reisdorf, who first concocted his breakthrough Creepiosity Index in 1947. Since then, creepiness has been measured on a 0-10.00 scale: The higher the number the creepier it is. (And it should be noted that no one has yet found a perfect 10.00, which in truth would have to be a perfect storm of creepiness—such as, perhaps, a tattoo on Janet Reno’s back of a ventriloquist dummy biting a pygmy whose right eye is actually a mole with some hair growing out of it.)

  Pinpointing the Creepiosity Index is no easy task. To get an accurate number, my team will take a group of several dozen “volunteers” and strap them to a special sensory device (which, ironically, is pretty creepy in and of itself). A picture of the subject in question is projected on a screen in front of them, and then we implement this formula:

  X × Y = Z + (0.10C)

  X = The measurement of how many hairs per square inch stand upon their necks.

  Y = The number of times they wince at said pictures.

  C = Add 10 percent if there’s a clown involved.

  And they say creepiology isn’t a science. Pish posh!

  YOUR FRIEND’S GRANDMA

  Growing up, we all had a friend whose grandmother—always from “the old country”—lived with them. She was unnaturally small, spoke weird, and wasn’t called “Grandma” but instead something off, like “Minky” or “Ya Ya.”

  You were always unfailingly polite in her presence for fear if you did something she didn’t like she might point her bony finger in your direction and put some kind of spell or hex on you.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.40

  Minky is thinking about turning you into a toad.

  YOUR GRANDMA

  Come on, you know it’s true.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.51

  The world’s least successful street walker.

  BAZOOKA JOE

  He’s a child who clearly had some kind of accident—or worse, perhaps, a tumor—and is now forced to wear an eye patch. It’s kind of hard to laugh at the hilarious banter between Joe and the gang when this dark cloud of tragedy hangs over the whole thing.

  Plus, there’s that mentally ill kid who insists on wearing his turtleneck over his mouth.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.27

  No wonder someone poked his eye out.

  DICK CHENEY SMILING

  It’s not only because it seems really unnatural, like it’s actually hurting his face to give off the illusion of happiness. It’s more what it represents, which seems to be a guy thinking: Perhaps if I “smile,” as these people call it, they will trust me to conquer them.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.71

  It’s actually just a little gas.

  EVERYONE ELSE’S RELIGION

  Every once in a while, you’re invited to a wedding that’s outside your faith, which means you have to go to some funky building that smells strange and listen to everyone around you chant stuff that makes no sense at all. There’ll be some candles, and their leader will inevitably be some guy in a wacky getup, sometimes talking in another language. And there will always be, no matter the religion and without exception, funny hats.

  Throw a clown in there, and it’d be the creepiest experience you could ever have.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.00

  OK, which god are we praying to again?

  YOUR RELIGION

  Again, come on. Let’s be real about this.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.11

  On second thought, this picture might actually be from a Beck concert.

  BARS OF SOAP

  In this futuristic age of “liquid soap,” you’ll occasionally find someone who still uses a bar in their bathroom sink. Inevitably, it’s dirty from the last person who used it and, for some reason, a pubic hair usually manages to find its way onto the thing.

  Since I usually only pretend to wash my hands after using the bathroom (I go so far as to run the water then “dry” my hands on my pants as I exit to complete the illusion), this doesn’t affect me. But for everyone else who enjoys clean, pubic hair-free hands, this is bad.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 6.98

  99.1 percent disgusting

  THE SONG “MOCKINGBIRD”

  No matter how you try to dress it up, it always has a vaguely threatening, ominous element to it. “Hush, little baby, don’t say a word.” Or what? You’re going to skin me alive? You’re going to feed me to the monsters under my bed? Sure, you promise me a diamond ring, but for God’s sake, I’m a baby! What am I supposed to do with that, except maybe choke to death on it?

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.56

  If you are gonna buy me a mockingbird, please make sure to get a gift receipt.

  GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH

  Conventional wisdom says that the flying monkeys are the creepiest part of The Wizard of Oz, but it’s time someone slammed his metaphorical fist on the desk and said,” Nay! The creepiest thing in that movie was actually Glinda!”

  Think about it: that freaky bubble she travels in; her helium-soaked voice; the way she patronizes the Munchkins, laughing at their fears and apprehensions. Add in the fact that she knew Dorothy could easily go home the whole time but took her sweet-ass time to impart that small detail, and her Creepiosity Index goes through the roof.

  I rest my case.


  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.02

  Glinda, your taxi is here!

  THE GUY WHO FIXES THINGS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY

  It’s happened to all of us. You’re bowling, literally having the time of your life, and then all of a sudden the pins don’t reset. So you trudge up to the front counter and tell the lady there what’s what, and she nods. Next thing you know, some dude with six teeth and skin like one of Burt Reynolds’s boots walks over and gives you a look like you did something wrong. You shudder. Then he walks down the gutter and disappears into the bowling netherworld. Minutes later, sure, you’re back in business. But the chill hasn’t left your bones.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.21

  The gang loves Monica’s idea to kidnap and torture the bowling alley guy.

  BAND-AIDS THAT WERE ONCE AFFIXED TO SOMEONE’S BODY BUT NOW AREN’T

  You see someone with a Band-Aid and you barely think about it—that’s part of life. But how about this scenario: You’re at Walmart or the library or the “adult novelty” store and you look down on the floor and you see a used Band-Aid. Usually with a hint of blood on the cotton part, maybe some hair on the sticky part. If you’re a normal person, you react exactly how an elephant in cartoons would if he saw a mouse. You may shriek, you may cower, you may even run.

  And it’s seventeen times as bad if you see the used Band-Aid in a water fountain.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.45

  Actually, a Curad bandage posing as a Band-Aid.

  GUYS WITH BEARDS BUT NO MUSTACHES

  Simple rule: Mustache without beard, OK. It’s a little Village Person/porn star/kid who married his teacher for me, but at the end of the day, it’s perfectly fine.

  Beard without mustache, on the other hand? Tough to look at.

  So please, C. Everett Koop, Gorton’s Fisherman, and the guy who sells Christmas trees out of the Vons parking lot on Reseda Boulevard in Los Angeles—add the ’stash or lose the beard. You’re making us all uncomfortable.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 5.75

  Rudy ponders life as he stands in front of Uncle Scrooge’s gravestone.

  HAIRLESS CATS

  Nobody can argue that hairless dogs are creepy. They remind you of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Bugs blows up Elmer Fudd’s dog with some dynamite and he’s left, basically, naked (or sometimes, magically, in boxer shorts). But dogs at the end of the day are dogs, a decidedly noncreepy animal.

  Cats, on the other hand, are inherently very creepy. That’s why in horror movies when the woman is in the house alone and it’s quiet and spooky and there’s a sudden sound it’s always a cat—built-in chills.

  Now take that creepy cat and tear all the fur from its body!

  That’s a sight you can actually punish small children with.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.47

  One word for you Mr. MeowMeow: Botox.

  LIFELIKE BABY DOLLS

  There’s a fine line between a cute doll and a creature so realistic that you have to think it must be a real baby that Marie Osmond has somehow frozen in Lucite and is selling for profit.

  (Interestingly, Marie wouldn’t answer my requests for her to repudiate this charge.)

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.22

  My name is Derek. And I’m going to kill you.

  GROWN MEN IN BOY SCOUT UNIFORMS

  Within a group of boys in Scout uniforms, OK; it’s not an ideal look, but in context we can allow it.

  But when that troop leader (um … you are a troop leader, right, fella?) is on his own—say at the bank or a strip club—it’s a bit off-putting, to say the least.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.29

  Just a warning, boys: Curtis really knows how to tie a knot.

  OWNING MULTIPLE CATS

  Here’s the math:

  Owning One Cat: Kinda creepy to non-cat lovers but socially acceptable.

  Owning Two Cats: This is OK only if you’re a middle-aged woman or a gay couple.

  Owning Three Cats: You’ve obviously snubbed your nose at society. Your house smells and you probably smell, too.

  Owning Four Cats or More: Congratulations, you’ve become that person. You’re one step away from luring small children into your home and tricking them into your oven.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.52

  At least they’re not hairless.

  DISNEYLAND’S “GREAT MOMENTS WITH MR. LINCOLN”

  Creepiness-wise, Lincoln was a bundle of contradictions. On one hand, he freed the slaves. Awesome. But he also sported the “beard without mustache” look, which pretty much negated the whole emancipation thing. He ended the Civil War. Very cool. But his wife was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So when the dust settled, pretty much everything on ol’ Abe balanced out.

  That is, until Disney came along and decided to make a Westworld version of him that’s truly disturbing. Keep your Haunted Mansion and your Twilight Zone Tower of Terror; you want to scare a child, make him sit through creepy Terminator-Lincoln for twenty minutes. He’ll be sure to have horrible—albeit historically factual—nightmares for years to come.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.10

  The real Abe Lincoln tries to figure out how he can sue Disney.

  FISH WITH PEOPLE FACES

  You go to the local aquarium (or “fish prison” as I like to call it) and spend a few hours looking for the Rolls-Royces of the underwater world, the fish that glow blue. Unfortunately, along the way, you’re bound to come across the creepiest of the underwater creatures: the fish with the people face.

  They have the nose, sometimes the mustache—I swear to God, I once saw a fish that was the spitting image of my Uncle Irwin. And I’ll be honest: Uncle Irwin’s face on a human being was never a walk in the park. But on a fish? Horrifying.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.91

  George is angry because he just swam through a pile of whale turds.

  PETTING ZOOS

  You take the kids to these things always thinking This one will be better. This one won’t have the same six smelly goats. This one won’t have the chickens (which, by the way, are great fun to pet!). This one won’t have the mule with the doody permanently caked into its hair.

  But it’s always the same, always horrifying, always a whole bottle of Purell when you’re finished.

  Add in the heavyset carny-wannabe who sells the Dixie cups of feed pellets (sometimes with doody permanently caked into her hair), and the whole experience is a complete disaster.

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.88

  Amanda has no idea that she’s fattening Leonard up to become billy goat burgers later tonight.

  ANIMAL MASCOTS WHO WANT YOU TO EAT THEIR KIND

  Many times on a sign for a fast food joint there’s a mascot cow who’s pitching hamburgers or a pig who wants you to eat some yummy smoked ribs, which is wrong in so many ways:

  I don’t need to be reminded that I’m eating an animal.

  Much less a cute animal in a jauntily askew chef’s hat.

  Much less an animal that’s clearly suicidal.

  It’s so disturbing it almost makes you want to become a vegetarian.*

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.80

  “Mmmmm, I smell bacon!”

  * If not for the fact that adorable, suicidal pigs are dee-lish!

  RED-ASS MONKEYS

  As a rule, monkeys are creepy: the people-like hands, the habitual feces flinging, the fact that at any moment they might tear your testicles off.

  The creepiest of the creepy are the red-ass monkeys, who appear to be angry and resentful toward all of us with normal-colored asses.

  Some might argue that the creepiest monkeys are the ones with the giant Jimmy Durante noses, but that’s absurd. I’m talking about monkeys with big red asses!

  CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.46

  Neither John nor Edna knows how to tell the other that their red asses are too hideous to look at anymore.

  SEA MONKEYS

  In the comic book ads, you’re led to believe that you’re getting a whole family of creatures who enjoy noth
ing more than dressing up, hanging out, and playing games with you. It’s like buying an entire group of friends for $3.99.

  Here’s what you actually get: a packet of tiny eggs that you have to “hatch” by mixing them with water (like making the skeeviest Lipton iced tea of all time). And when they do hatch, are they a fun-loving family like in the ads? No, sir. All you end up with is a glass bowl filled with a million gross, floating pieces of protozoa.

  Who, by the way, hate it when you try to dress them up.