by Maegan Abel
“Shh. I’m sorry. I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered, running his fingers over the tangled mess my hair had become as it dried after my shower.
I tried not to, but my thoughts drifted to all the places I was terrified to visit—the darkest corners of my mind. I heard Zane’s harsh words the night we fought, felt Jake’s kick to my spine, and Marco’s belt against my face, his hands on my throat. I saw Emma's dead, empty eyes and they blended with Dom’s. The memory that I’d taken his life, killed him the way someone had killed Emma, overwhelmed me. I lost my grip on my thoughts, sobbing into Tony’s chest until I finally succumbed to the exhaustion.
Part Three
Giving In
Zane & Lili
“If you never learned to hold onto someone,
how could it possibly hurt now to let them go?
– Shannon L. Alder
Chapter Twenty-One
Miracle
Zane
Sometimes life becomes an endless loop of moments we can’t remember. We set ourselves on autopilot and glide through days without realizing time has passed.
Until a miracle happens and brings everything back into focus.
Work felt like a distraction from the shitstorm that had become my everyday life. I had no choice but to focus on what I was doing and push everything else aside. It was in the downtime, like now, when the thoughts would creep in.
“You okay?” Brittany asked, coming up beside me at the nurse’s station in the ER. We were at a small hospital on the southern edge of the city after responding to an assault call. The woman’s battered body was still fresh in my thoughts, but I did my best to plaster on a smile.
“I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep well,” I answered, tapping my fingers on the dingy white countertop. Once we had word that they had everything they needed, we could be on our way, but this hospital was always slow when it came to…well, everything.
“Conner?” she asked, leaning back to rest her elbows on the counter so she could see my face.
I kept my eyes on my hands, leaning onto my forearms, not sure how to answer her. No, it wasn’t Conner last night. It was actually the twin sister of the woman I love, the woman I thought was dead, but, according to my brother, is alive and will be coming home soon. Either Brittany didn’t see the news this morning, or she was fishing for confirmation. I didn’t know her well enough yet to know which it was so I sighed and nodded, going with the lie.
“Yeah. He’s not doing so great since his mo—”
“Zane?” I straightened at the sound of my name. At the sound of the voice. Was this really happening right now? Haunting me while I was at home or in my car, or anywhere and everywhere we’d ever been together, was once thing, but now she was haunting me at work? What the hell was happening to me? Was I actually losing my mind?
I glanced over at Brittany to see how she reacted to my sudden pause in conversation and found her staring at something behind me. I spun, my eyes immediately locking with the small figure standing in the doorway to one of the rooms wearing a hospital gown. Her wide, blue eyes looked just as shocked as I was and for a split second that felt like an eternity, we watched each other like neither of us were sure of what we were seeing.
It wasn’t until she pulled in a shaky breath that I moved. I practically ran the few feet between us, stopping just short of pulling her into my arms. I studied her, my mind in overdrive as I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. Her eyes were different. There was something in them, something I didn’t understand, making her seem…colder. She was staring back at me with those eyes, studying me like she wasn’t sure how I was going to react to her. And honestly, I wasn’t sure either. I could feel the pull that was always there, the draw to be closer to her, but I was completely thrown off by seeing her now. Before, I would’ve pulled her in, hugged her tightly, kissed her hair. Now, a million questions plagued me.
It was almost worse when I saw the same uncertainty reflected back from her.
As I took a breath to speak, still not sure what I was going to say, voices rounding the corner on my left caught my attention. The ER wasn’t quiet by any means, but I knew the voices well. Jackson and Tish froze once they spotted Lili and me in our standoff outside the room. I looked away from them, back to her, but movement in the room behind her drew my eye. Tony was sitting in a chair beside the bed, his phone in his hand as he avoided looking in our direction.
“What the fuck is happening right now?” I whispered, unsure I’d even said it aloud. Lili turned to look at me again, but I kept my eyes on Tony. It wasn’t until her small hands fisted the front of my shirt and she leaned her forehead against my chest that I moved again.
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, lowering my face to her hair. I felt her deep inhale and I did the same. Our bodies melted together as my lungs filled with oxygen for what seemed like the first time in months. Her body trembled against me and I tightened my hold, relief flooding through me in a crashing wave. This was real. She was here.
I heard Tish and Jackson approaching and silently cursed them both. I didn’t want this moment to end. I still wasn’t sure what would come next. When I felt her hold loosen as she started to pull away, it was physically painful. I kept my hold on her, leaving my hands by her neck as she took a small step back and looked up at me. The change I saw was immediate. In that brief contact, the eyes I knew returned.
“Hi,” she whispered, her voice not much louder than mine was moments ago. I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, finally smiling as she did.
“Hi.” I ran my thumb over her neck, my expression falling as I assessed her. There were dark bruises, obviously fresh, marking the delicate skin there. Clear handprints were visible and the momentary relief I’d felt at seeing her, at holding her in my arms, was shattered. It was one thing to know she’d been hurt; it was completely different to see it.
She immediately stepped away from my hold, lowering her head to block my view of the injury I’d been assessing. I didn’t let her get far. I reached out, understanding she didn’t want me to look at them. I softly tugged on her shoulder and she stepped into me again without any hesitation. I sighed in relief at having her again.
“Zane?” Brittany’s voice reminded me of her presence. Lili tensed in my arms, but I kept my hold on her as I turned to glance over my shoulder at Brittany. She held up the paperwork I’d been waiting on.
“Fuck,” I muttered, suddenly remembering I was still on duty. I’d have to call out, quit if that was what it took. There was no way I could let Lili out of my sight right now.
Lili leaned to the side, looking past me in what was no doubt an attempt to see who had said my name. She seemed to relax as she took in Brittany’s uniform. That she’d thought anything different almost irritated me. Almost. But considering what I’d been up to twenty-four hours ago with Kaitlyn, I couldn’t exactly get angry.
“You should get back to work,” Tish said, pulling my attention back to him. I glanced over, narrowing my eyes accusingly, but he continued before I could speak. “I wasn’t going to tell you anything until I saw her for myself so stop glaring at me.”
“And now you expect me to just leave her and go to work? Because that worked out well for me the last time,” I snapped, not even attempting to rein in my anger at Tish. He’d known where she was and no matter how hard I’d tried, he wouldn’t tell me anything. “If I hadn’t been here now, how long would you have waited to tell me she was home?”
“Zane,” Lili said softly, immediately drawing my eyes to her. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s far from okay.”
“We just got here. It’ll be hours before she’s seen and released. You know how it works. One of us will stay with her the entire time.” This time, it was Jackson trying to soothe me, which almost pissed me off more.
“You don’t even want to step into this right now,” I warned. From Jackson’s cautious step back, I knew my face was letting my anger
show. I’d been lied to and betrayed by enough people I considered best friends in my lifetime, and now Jackson had been added to that list.
Buzzing near my ear and the rapid voice of the dispatcher rang in the silence settling between our little group.
“Zane,” Brittany said again, taking a step toward the exit and nodding her head in that direction.
“Fuck,” I said again, sighing as I looked back to Tish. “You’ll stay with her?” He nodded and I glanced back down at the girl in my arms.
“I love you so much,” I whispered, pressing my lips against her forehead and inhaling deeply before pulling away. “I’ll see you soon.” I couldn’t say bye.
“My heart,” she said, pulling my hand to her chest and bending to kiss it where it rested over her heart.
“Mine, too. Always.” With a final squeeze of her shoulder, I turned and jogged after Brittany, who was climbing into the rig.
I was sure this would be the longest shift of my life.
“I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say that must’ve been Lili,” Brittany said as we headed out of work, keeping her attention on the ground. We’d been on two calls since seeing Lili and we’d barely spoken. Actually, Brittany could’ve tried to talk to me and I’d probably never have known. My mind was completely consumed with Lili.
“Yeah,” I said, pulling my phone out to see if Tish responded to any of my texts about how she was. He still hadn’t. The logical part of my brain knew cell service was shitty in most hospitals, but that wasn’t the part in full control today. I was starting to feel like it was all some sick dream and that feeling made me anxious. I needed Tish to reassure me that she was still safe.
“Seeing her again after everything that happened wasn’t what you expected, was it?”
I turned my head, stopping mid-step, immediately feeling defensive and wondering what her motive was for asking a question like that. “Well, considering she was kidnapped, held captive for months, and from what I could see in my brief assessment, beaten, I guess I wasn’t exactly sure how she would react to seeing the man who’s responsible for bringing that into her life.”
She paused with me, glancing over, her expression concerned. “Why would you say what happened to her is your fault? It’s not like you had anything to do with it.”
“I had everything to do with it. If she’d never met me, never gotten involved with me, none of this would’ve happened to her.”
“No. Look, it’s not like you planned for any of this to happen to her.”
“That doesn’t excuse my part in it,” I snapped, continuing toward my car as I left a stunned looking Brittany behind.
Guilt seemed to be the main emotion my body knew how to produce these days. When I drove past Brittany, who didn’t even look up as she climbed behind the wheel of her car, more of it started creeping in. It wasn’t her fault my head was in such a fucked up place. She had no idea the hundreds of reasons behind why I froze when I saw Lili. Beyond the bruises and obvious injuries, I knew she was still the same girl—my girl—but would she be if she knew what I’d almost done?
When I left the hospital earlier, there hadn’t been a single reporter in sight. More than likely, no one knew she was back yet. But, we couldn’t keep her return a secret forever, no matter how much I would love to. And, eventually, she would find out about Kaitlyn. The same swell of regret and self-hatred I’d come to expect rose up inside me as I remembered what I’d almost done.
I didn’t bother to change out of my uniform before heading into the Emergency Room doors. I told myself it was about not wanting to waste time, and that was part of it, but the other part came when the ER doors slid open the second I came into view of the nurse’s desk. The uniform meant no one would ask me questions. They were so used to seeing me around, they expected it. I didn’t bother to ask what room Lili was in. She would still be in the ER while they were running tests unless something caused them to decide to admit her.
As I rounded the last corner, I spotted Tish and Tony sitting in two of the chairs near the nurse’s station I’d been standing at earlier. Relief and anxiety chased one another through my body. Part of me felt grateful that it hadn’t been some crazy hallucination, yet I couldn’t help but wonder why Tish was out here instead of with her.
“Where is she?” I asked, hearing the slight edge of panic in my voice as I glanced over at the closed door across from them.
“Calm down. She’s changing clothes so we gave her some privacy.” Tish stood from the chair as he spoke, but I didn’t let him finish.
I turned away, leaving them without another word as I walked straight up to the door. Once there, I paused, feeling the same uncertainty from earlier starting to creep up on me. Tentatively, I reached out and lifted my hand, knocking softly on the door as I opened it just a crack. “Pix?” The nickname slipped out without a thought and I wondered briefly if I overstepped a line.
“Come in,” she replied, her voice sounding a little hollow and very tired. When she came into view, she looked just as worn as she sounded. She was wearing a pair of loose-fitting, black workout pants and a matching jacket zipped practically to her chin. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she had one foot dangling while the other knee was bent, her arms hugging it as her cheek rested against it. Beyond all that, I also saw the same emptiness in her eyes.
“Hi,” I said, giving her a smile as I tried to bring back the moment we had before.
“Hey.” Her voice was still as empty as her eyes and her gaze immediately left mine, moving to the wall across from her.
I let out a long breath, hating this awkwardness, but what the fuck was I supposed to say?
“Just waiting on the release papers or something.” She finally broke the silence, but she still didn’t look at me.
“Yeah. They’re notoriously slow at paperwork here,” I answered, moving to stand against the wall where she was staring. My hopes of coaxing her to look at me quickly vanished when her eyes drifted further to the right.
“Oh.” The single word spoke volumes in the silence.
The onslaught of questions seemed never-ending as I fought through the mess in my head to find the right thing to say. I wanted to know whether she was okay, but what kind of question would that be after everything she’d been through? What exactly had she been through? Did I even want to know? How was it possible for a person normally so full of life to seem so…hollow? How could I fix things? Was there something, anything, that I could do to help her through this? She wouldn’t even look at me. And why the hell couldn’t I talk to her? Why was it all this space between us, all the time that had passed, made things so much harder?
I loved this girl and it broke my heart to see her now. To see her hurting. Her pain ripped at my soul.
As I opened my mouth and took a step toward her in an effort to close the giant gap growing between us, the nurse walked in, shattering my chance.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’m Not Dead
Lili
Two minutes after getting into the passenger seat of Zane’s car, I was regretting the decision to ride with him to the house. It felt like what I was supposed to do. Like accepting this ride would heal me. Or him. Or us.
Instead, I was staring out the window, doing my best to ignore the fear creeping in from being trapped in a vehicle. The weight of the papers crumbled and shoved in the pocket of my jacket began feeling like lead, adding to the unease. I already knew and accepted I was pregnant, but the thought of being pregnant there versus the reality of being pregnant here were two completely different things. When Zane showed back up at the hospital while I was staring at the tiny pictures, it took everything in me to keep silent. I had to process things myself and I wasn’t sure how to do that. I wanted to tell him. Eventually, I would have to tell someone, but right now, I was still in shock. None of this felt real.
“Did Tish talk to you at all about Conner?”
I glanced forward, not exactly looking at Zane, but enough to where
I could tell he was keeping his eyes firmly on the road. I was honestly afraid he would see right through me if he tried. “No.”
Zane took a deep breath, seeming to struggle for words as he drove. “He’s been…taking things pretty hard.” His fingers tapped the steering wheel and I turned my head a little further, watching him frown before he continued. “He didn’t understand why you were still gone. He went through a period of blaming himself and he would scream for you.” I heard my ragged inhale before I realized I was holding back tears. Zane glanced over at me and flicked his eyes back to the road. “God. No. I… don’t cry. Fuck, this is coming out all wrong.”
“Just tell me,” I said, harsher than I intended as I forced back the sob trying to escape.
“He doesn’t talk.”
I realized I was staring at my lap, unable to process what he’d said. “What do you mean he doesn’t talk?”
Zane sighed, but I didn’t look up. “I mean he told me his version of the events that happened when you were…taken.” He seemed to be struggling with the memory. “He cried himself to sleep that night and hasn’t said a word since.”
The silence was suffocating and nothing but the sound of tires over the pavement filtered through my ears. It made me nauseous as it rolled around in my head with the memories of Conner in the van with me.
“Pull over,” I whispered, my body shaking with the sudden roiling in my stomach.
“What?” Zane sounded completely perplexed.
“Pull over!” I screamed, throwing a hand over my mouth to prevent any further words or anything else from escaping as I rocked in the seat.
“Fuck!” Zane was clearly trying to maneuver to the right so he could exit the highway. He reached over, yanking the shoulder strap of my seatbelt to pull it behind me before gently pushing on my back. “Put your head between your knees and breathe, Pixie.”
