by Maegan Abel
I did as he said, bending as far as I could, but it didn’t help. The sound escalated, the images swirled together, and I lost the ability to handle it along with the disgusting hospital food Tony and Tish practically forced down my throat several hours ago.
A part of me wanted to apologize to Zane, who was swearing under his breath and rubbing comforting circles on my back, but my mind felt like it was hundreds of miles away.
I wasn’t sure how long had passed but when I found myself again, I was sitting on the ground, a blanket wrapped around my shoulders as a vacuum whirred loudly somewhere behind me. When I glanced around, I realized we were sitting at a car wash several miles from the house. My mouth still tasted like vomit and I noticed an unopened bottle of water in my lap. Lifting it, I unscrewed the cap and carefully took a mouthful, swishing it around before bending to the side to spit.
“Feeling better?” Zane asked, crouching down in front of me as he lifted his hand toward my face. I tensed and he paused, slowing the action as he brushed the hair back out of my eyes. I smiled, the tenderness of the gesture breaking through the mental block clouding my mind. He returned the smile and it felt like we were a small step closer to who we had been. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
He held out a hand and I let him help me to my feet. I still felt a little shaky but I tried not to let it show as I settled into the passenger seat again. As he walked around the car, I leaned forward, tugged the blanket from around my shoulders, and shoved it to the backseat before pulling on my seatbelt. It wasn’t until he started the car that the scent really registered.
“Gardenia?” I asked, referring to the carpet perfume he’d chosen before using the wet-dry vacuum. I raised an eyebrow at him when he glanced sideways at me.
“Well, it was that or Vanilla and I really didn’t think having my car smell like food would help you make it the rest of the way home without unloading again.”
“Probably not. But I could call that payback for last Christmas Eve,” I said, smiling a little wider as the memory of him drinking himself sick came back to me.
He laughed, the sound genuine. “At least I didn’t puke in the car.”
“No, just on me.” I let out a small laugh and he reached over, lacing his fingers with mine as he pulled back out into traffic. It was weird, and a little forced, but it was the closest we’d been to who we were, and for now, I’d take it.
Apprehension built back up between us as Zane turned into the neighborhood. I felt shock as I stared around at all the houses. Christmas decorations were in full display, reminding me life in this world had continued like nothing had happened. That feeling further solidified when Tish’s house came into view.
I tugged lightly against Zane’s hand. The car felt stifling as the realization that tomorrow was Christmas Eve bounced around, bringing back the nausea. Two months had passed since the last time I saw these people. Two months. They were all going to look at me and wonder what happened.
I took a deep breath. I needed to concentrate. I could do this. It meant nothing. Of course their lives continued. I wouldn’t have wanted them to all stop living if I’d died.
Did they even miss me?
It was like a whisper before I shut it all off. I couldn’t let emotion dictate my reactions. If what Zane told me was true, Conner was having a hard enough time dealing with things. He didn’t need me breaking down. None of them did.
I jumped when a hand touched me, my eyes flying up to Zane’s face before flicking away. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said, grateful I was able to shove the emotions aside. I let her in, let her take over and because of that, I felt eerily and blissfully empty.
“Lili?” I cringed, a small shiver passing through me at the sound of the name. I glanced over at Zane again, forcing myself to meet his concerned gaze.
“I’m fine,” I said coolly. This was just like anything I’d been through at The Club. I could be here without feeling any of it. That would make it easier.
I didn’t give Zane a chance to dispute my claim. Shoving open the door, I gingerly lifted myself out of the car. I was exhausted and after all the tests at the hospital, my back was aching. Carefully, I raised my arms over my head and rolled my upper body in a circle, trying to stretch. Zane watched patiently before heading toward the front door of the house. We didn’t speak as we entered.
The house wasn’t quiet. There were angry whispers coming from the direction of the kitchen and Zane froze, reaching out a hand to grab my arm. I shrugged away from his touch, but paused, knowing that was his intention.
“So, you expect us to just leave? Don’t you think that should be her decision?” The voice was familiar but completely out of place.
“Denni?” I asked, my voice sounding confused and cautious. The conversation ceased immediately and several pairs of feet rushed across the tile before faces came into view.
“Oh my God,” Kaitlyn’s clear voice came next and before I could even process further, I was surrounded, arms holding me from several directions as I stood frozen at the end of the hallway. Voices rose, questions and prayers and rambling…sobs escaping.
But I couldn’t move.
“Give her space.” Zane’s voice was quiet, but demanding. “Back up.” I saw his body in front of me as he pushed at the people trying to pull at me. I took a step back, and then another, attempting to find some distance as my body trembled slightly. I felt sick.
I turned, meaning to make a break for the bathroom, thinking only of putting a locking door between these people and me, but I paused at the sight behind me. There, standing at the other end of the living room, was Conner.
He stared at me with wide eyes and I moved without thinking twice. I could see Paige, some part of me registered her sitting on the couch, but I was completely focused on Conner. I paused a few feet away from him, carefully kneeling to the floor and sitting back on my heels to put myself closer to his level. If I thought my body was shaking before, I was wrong.
“Hi, Boog,” I whispered, surprised it was even intelligible through my tremors. His eyes widened further before his body collided hard with mine, his arms wrapping tightly around my neck. In that moment, it no longer mattered how much I wanted to pretend I felt no emotions.
I felt them all.
I felt his right along with mine and it was too much to hold back. Both of my arms snaked around him, one at his back and one on his head, keeping him close while I began whispering through my tears. “I love you so much. You did so good. I’m so so proud of you, Conner. You did just what I told you to and I’m so proud of you.”
He didn’t respond and even though Zane told me he wasn’t speaking, I pulled him back just enough to see his face. “You did so good,” I repeated, hoping he could feel my words before I pulled him back to me again. It took several minutes before the sniffles and staggered breathing behind me broke into my awareness. We had an audience. I hated it. I wished I could make them all go away and stay in this moment with Conner. The other people I had to face…they were going to judge me, whether out loud or in their heads, for what I’d done to survive.
I held Conner on my lap, ignoring the pain in my back and keeping my eyes closed. I sat with him, just being with him, until his hold on me relaxed and I realized he’d fallen asleep in my arms. Taking a deep breath, I pressed my lips to his head, finally feeling peace.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Different
Zane
Today had taken everything out of me, but Lili being home, even though she was clearly still shaken and uncomfortable, was perfect. We were finally back together. Our little family all under one roof.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been dozing on and off but I couldn’t seem to fall into a deep sleep. My mind was overworking. I forced my tired eyes open again, the ceiling of the bedroom coming into view. Once everyone left earlier, I’d tried for over an hour to get Lili to take the bed but she’d repeatedly refused, not wanting to kick Conner
out of his bed and noting it would be uncomfortable for all of us to try to cram in here, even though we could. I had no idea what was going on, but something was different.
Rolling over as carefully as possible to keep from waking Conner, I noticed the door was open. It was just a crack but I knew I’d closed it when I came into the room after checking on Lili for what was probably the tenth time. I glanced beside me to look at Conner and bolted upright in the bed. My heart immediately sprinted in my chest as my hand reached out to the empty sheets. Panicked, I jumped up, rushing to the door and out into the hall. The bathroom door was wide open with the light off so I turned toward the living room, skidding to a stop when I saw him.
He was sitting upright against the couch, his head slumped forward as he slept. Lili was on her side, facing him, with her forearm draped over his shoulder. Both of his arms were wrapped around it, holding her in place. My heart started to slow, the adrenaline receding, but it tore at me to see them together. Conner had rejected touch so often, especially in the last few weeks since Lizzie’s death, it had surprised me to see him rush to Lili earlier. They had a bond, they’d always had one, but whatever happened to them, he still felt the need to protect her. That much was clear.
She jolted awake, gasping loudly as her eyes swung wildly around, landing on me. The fear in her expression crushed me, though it was quickly replaced with recognition as she took in her surroundings and settled back against the cushions, still breathing heavily.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said quietly, wishing I could wrap her in my arms, remind her she was safe now. But I couldn’t do that. Too much had changed. Things were too different. She wasn’t meeting my eyes, keeping her attention now directly on Conner’s stirring form. He blinked groggy eyes at me and then glanced behind him at Lili.
“Come here,” she whispered, sitting up on the couch as Conner climbed up beside her. I noticed her wince as she stretched and readjusted, allowing him to rest with his head on her lap as she covered him with the blanket.
“He should be in bed,” I said, moving forward into the living room. She scowled at me and I retreated to the recliner, allowing her to comfort him. It took me a moment to register the small twinge of jealousy I was feeling at watching her run her hands through his hair slowly as he dozed back off. It was irrational, and I knew that. More than anything, I hoped Lili’s return would heal us all and this was proof it was already beginning to heal Conner. “He hasn’t really let any of us touch him in a while. It’s good to see him want to be close to someone.”
“It’s just going to take some time for him to figure things out,” she said, still not looking directly at me.
We both stayed quiet, watching Conner fall into a deeper sleep as his breathing evened out completely. The way she stroked his hair, the fondness on her face, it reminded me of the last time I saw the two of them. They were cooking breakfast together and I remembered thinking the way she loved him proved to me she was strong enough to handle my life. The wounds I could see on her neck and face, the pain in her eyes, and yet she was still here. That showed me again I’d been right. She’d survived, despite the odds, and returned to me. To us. And as all of those thoughts came, so did the reminder of our fight. I needed to make things right. Life was too short to leave things unsaid.
“Lili?” I asked, wanting her full attention, needing to see her eyes. I waited until she looked up at me. It took a little longer than normal for her to meet my gaze. “I need you to know something. I never meant any of it. I was scared something would go wrong. Terrified, actually. I still feel like every time I find happiness, it will be snatched away from me. It very nearly was. Sixty-five days ago, every regret I thought I had suddenly became nothing compared to the regret I felt over the way I reacted that night. I’m sorry. Those words aren’t enough, no words really are, but I need you to understand I’d give anything to go back and do things over.” I stopped, dropping my eyes to the floor as the guilt became too consuming. There was so much I wished I could change. “So many things.”
“Stop.”
I lifted my head to find her eyes closed and head turned away from mine. “Li—”
“No. Just…stop.” She paused, swallowed, and then opened her eyes. I immediately saw the hollowness I’d noticed before and my heart dropped. I was starting to notice, to pinpoint these little moments where she seemed to be completely outside of the situation. “Look, it’s fine. In the grand scheme of things, that fight seems like…just a tiff. It happened, it’s over, I want to forget about it. All of it.” I opened my mouth to protest. To tell her the way I treated her was far from okay, but she continued. “I knew you’d just gotten home from the hospital, you’d just suffered a major loss. You and Lizzie…” she trailed off, seeming to struggle for words. “You guys have a family. A joined bond through your child and the one you lost, and I…” She just shook her head and turned her attention back to Conner.
“You think you’re an outsider in that? For fuck’s sake, didn’t we already talk about that?” I snapped, realizing how angry I was at her confession. “Lizzie’s dead. She OD’d a few weeks ago after I cut off her visitation with Conner when I found out about her part in the kidnapping.” I choked, trying to shake off the lingering guilt at yet another death on my hands. “Does that help?”
She stared straight at me but she may as well have been staring at the wall for all the emotion she was showing. It pissed me off further. I stared right back, fuming with anger, but her eyes stayed completely void as her hand brushed slowly over Conner’s head in her lap. After several minutes, I shoved out of my chair, meaning to take Conner to bed. It wasn’t until she cringed away from me that I realized my anger was frightening her. She kept it hidden almost completely. It softened me a little, reminded me that she’d been through more than I cared to know. She hadn’t cowered from me in years and even then it was before she actually knew me.
I sighed, and said, “I’m taking him to bed. You need to rest.”
She said nothing, not resisting as I lifted Conner from her arms. It wasn’t until I rounded the corner into my room that I saw her with her knees pulled up to her chest. I couldn’t hear her crying but the position was close enough to how she’d been that final night we were together. The memory was enough to shove my self-loathing to a new low. The only thing she’d found comfort in since her return was Conner and here I came to exert my power and take him away from her.
I was no better than the assholes who’d left the physical marks on her. The only difference was the marks I seemed to leave were all invisible. I’d broken her again. It seemed to be all I really knew how to do.
Inviting Denni and Kaitlyn over to have dinner on Christmas Eve had seemed like a good idea when I’d done it weeks ago. Tom and Marna were going to come by Christmas Day and Paige was going to Nikki’s for Christmas so I’d thought, probably stupidly, bringing them over would make things a little less empty without Lili.
Now that Lili was home, and with the awkwardness still hanging between Kaitlyn and I, it was clear this was yet another colossal mistake. Lili had been completely uncomfortable with the idea of so many people and after the mishap of Thanksgiving, I’d put my foot down about forcing Conner to be involved either. Instead, they were going to hang out in Paige’s room and watch TV, since I still hadn’t taken the time to buy a TV to replace the one in my room.
I told Lili they could join us at any time if they felt up to it, but she’d been distant since last night. Not that I could blame her after the way I’d snapped at her, but I was hoping one of us would figure out how to navigate the ever spreading canyon between us soon so we could find our way back out together.
“When are you going to tell her?” Kaitlyn asked, her voice barely a murmur among the subdued conversations surrounding us.
I glanced down at her, sighing as I took the green bean casserole she was passing me. I’d already made plates for Conner and Lili and served them first while everyone else got situated at the
table. “I don’t know. She’s been home all of a day and you’ve seen for yourself she’s still trying to adapt.”
“That doesn’t—”
Tish cleared his throat loudly, pulling my attention as he narrowed his eyes at Kaitlyn and me. I sat up, realizing I’d bent closer to her as we talked. Perfect. All I needed was for Tish to start in on me about it too. I hadn’t seen much of him since the hospital but I knew he was still pissed about what happened with Kaitlyn. And he had every right to be. I was still pissed off at myself. But with all his secretive bullshit, he should be taking at least some of the blame in this. If he’d told me that he knew where Lili was, that he knew for a fact that she was alive, maybe things would’ve been different. But, then again, maybe I was just trying to force the blame onto someone else so I didn’t have to live with the guilt.
The conversations that had quieted down at Tish’s throat clearing slowly rose again and I discreetly leaned closer to continue my talk with Kaitlyn. “I promise I’ll tell her soon.”
“Should it come from me? Should I be the one to tell her?” Kaitlyn looked at me, her eyes wide, so much like Lili’s. It was obvious she didn’t want to be the one to do it.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It should come from me. I’ll tell her.”
Kaitlyn nodded and as I turned back to my food, I noticed the silence from those around us. Glancing up, I saw everyone’s eyes focused on the doorway to the hall, so I turned around to look behind me. Lili stood in the doorway, her eyes narrowed at me with anger I’d never seen.
The entire room stared as she strolled casually into the kitchen. She took her time, but the look on her face told me she was seconds from losing it. I wasn’t sure what was going on or if she’d snapped, but her eyes didn’t stray from mine until she reached the spot just behind where Kaitlyn and I were sitting. Her gaze traveled leisurely from me to Kaitlyn and back again. My heart hammered in my chest as I wondered if she’d seen and misconstrued the way we were leaned in talking. I could explain it, but not without explaining why we were whispering. I needed to do that anyway, but not here, not in front of everyone.
