Silently Broken (Broken #3)

by Maegan Abel

  We belonged together. I was going to make sure we stayed that way.

  I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep until Lili stirring beside me jarred me awake.

  "Hey," I said, groggily moving away so she could stretch. She made a pained face. I was wide-awake then. "What? What is it?"

  "I need to pee," she said in a somewhat whiney voice, glancing across at the bathroom in her room. I couldn't help but chuckle at her pout. "It's not funny, cock lobster."

  "Cock lobster?" I laughed harder, sliding out of the bed to help her to her feet. "Seriously, where the hell do you come up with this stuff?"

  She shrugged as she headed toward the bathroom. "It's a gift."

  I watched, grinning as she walked back to the bed when she finished.

  "What?" she asked, her voice cautious.

  "Nothing."

  "No. Really. What was that look for?"

  I stood, helping her back into the bed. "You look even more adorable standing up."

  She groaned. "Fuck you. I don't waddle."

  "Noooo," I said, intentionally dragging out ‘o’. "Of course not." At her glare, I leaned in and kissed her. "You're beautiful. You always have been, but now, I can't even describe it."

  Her narrowed eyes softened after a moment and she pursed her lips, attempting to hide her smile. "You think I'm still beautiful?" The question was meant to be playful, but I could see a tinge of uncertainty. That little wobble was enough to cut at me.

  "Never, ever doubt that. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met. You're only competition will be our daughter," I said, dropping a hand to rest on her stomach.

  Her light laugh made my smile even wider. I couldn't help the warmth that came along with the feeling. And I didn't want the moment to end.

  "Come home with me," I said, not really asking. It was a shot in the dark and while I didn't regret offering, the shock in her expression almost made me wish I hadn't. "I'm serious. We're good now. We're back together, right?"

  "I thought we were going to start over. Try again. See if we could fix the mistakes we've made," she hesitated, her eyes torn for a moment as she scanned my face before turning to the window.

  "I don't want to start over." I ran my hands over my face before locking them behind my head as I paced. I had so much I wanted to say but if I pushed too hard, what would happen? I stopped pacing and turned to face her. "We've been through so much, Pix. Good, bad, and everything in between. I don't want to lose it. Any of it. I want to start here and move forward. I want to remember how it felt to have you hang up on me when you were in Texas so I don't make the same mistakes again. I want to remember your laughter the day that crazy old lady with the skintight leopard pants kept trying to dance with me on my birthday a few years ago. I want to remember the night I held you the first time while you slept and I realized I was in love with the most incredible woman I'd ever met. Not everything about us has been happy, but it's all led us here." I stepped up to the side of the bed, wanting to kiss her or touch her, something to make her feel my words. Instead, I just stared at her for a moment, letting what I'd said sink in. "I can't fix the mistakes I've made. There's no way." It pained me to admit that aloud, but I pushed on. "But, I can make a promise to learn from what we've been through. To try to be the man you need me to be."

  Her breath hitched but she made no other sound for several seconds. It felt so much longer.

  And then, she said the one word I needed to hear. "Okay."

  "He didn't say bed rest," Lili grouched, her annoyance clear as I packed her things into her bag, narrowing my eyes again as she tried to slip out of the hospital bed. "Are you seriously going to be like this for the next three months? If you are, you need to get them to give me stronger drugs."

  "Hey, I didn't get to take care of you for the first part of this. I'm making up for it," I said, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

  It had been twenty-four hours since she agreed to move in with me and I'd spent most of the day working on finding a place for us. It wasn't easy, given it was my day off and I wasn't leaving the hospital for anything, but, thankfully, I had amazing friends and family who stepped up and did the leg work for me. The place was found and it was ours if she wanted it. I just had to tell her.

  The wheelchair pissed her off more than me not letting her pack her own bag. Even leaving her while I ran to pull up my car felt like too long. We'd been apart, so many things dragging at us and shoving themselves in-between, and now, I just wanted to spend as much of my time with her as I could.

  Once she was settled in the passenger seat, I turned to face her. I was a little unsure of her reaction to us moving out on our own again, but it drifted away as I watched her adjust the seatbelt to rest below her stomach. It was impossible for anyone in the world to look as beautiful as she did. No makeup. No party clothes. Just her.

  "How are you feeling?" I asked, wanting to make sure she was up for a short outing before going to Tish's.

  She turned her head, giving me her sweetest smile. "Perfect."

  "I want to take you somewhere. We won't be out long. Is that okay?" I twisted my fingers with hers as she reached for my hand. She nodded and I pulled out into the afternoon traffic.

  It only took fifteen minutes to get to the neighborhood. We weren't far from Tish or the shop, but the house Paige found was the best we could do if we wanted to go it alone. And I really wanted us to do it on our own. I pulled up, recognizing the faded paint and large front porch from the pictures. Paige and Nikki came out the front door as we pulled into the driveway. I finally looked over at Lili, taking in her look of confusion.

  "Paige's Foundations of Modern Art professor is a landlord with several rental properties in different areas. Paige and Nikki had apparently been looking for a bigger place since they thought you would be staying with them after the baby was born." I couldn't help but frown, a part of me aching at the thought of what that would've meant for me. "Anyway, the professor offered them a great deal with a low deposit. They talked to him today and asked if we could take the lease instead." I squeezed her fingers, pulling her attention back to me from where it had drifted to her bump. "If you don't like this place, if it's not what you want, if you're more comfortable with us all at Tish's house, that's okay too. I just wanted an option."

  Her eyes drifted up to where Paige and Nikki stood, pretending not to watch us talking. "Can we go look at the inside?" she asked, her brows drawn tight. She wasn't sold on the idea, but she wasn't completely against it either. I'd take that.

  "Sure." I climbed out of the car, jogging around to help her but she was already standing. I walked, keeping a hand on her lower back as we approached the stairs. "Easy," I warned, taking hold of her elbow and ignoring the irritated sigh as she climbed slowly.

  "About time you two got here. We have something to show you!" Nikki was as perky as ever, practically bouncing with excitement.

  "Calm down." Paige laughed, shaking her head. Honestly, I'd never seen Paige as happy as she was with Nikki. I'd been so wrapped up in my own life, I hadn't really taken the time to get to know them together. I needed to change that.

  "Come on," Nikki said, grabbing Lili's hand and pulling her into the small house.

  I followed along behind, nudging Paige as we both laughed. Stepping into the living room, I could feel it. This place, there was something about it. It just felt right. How was that possible?

  I heard a gasp from Lili and spun toward the hall, taking the few steps to put myself at her side as quickly as possible. "What? What is it?" I asked, immediately concerned as I saw the tears on her cheeks. Her eyes were trained beyond me.

  Turning, I saw what had her attention. One side of the master bedroom had been completely decorated in what I could only describe as a froth of pink and white. To the side of a window covered in a bright pink curtain, was a white wooden crib. My eyes adjusted and I took in the design. The wall had been painted, the entire wall on that half of the room, as if it were a castle. The deta
il was intricate and I knew it must've taken hours to do. There was no way they'd done this just today. Directly above the crib, painted in intricate lettering I knew had to be Kas' doing, it said, "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named…" with space left at the end for the addition of a name. There was a rocking chair, a small dresser with diapers and other essentials stacked on top. It was great.

  Except, I was suddenly aware of Lili's soft sobs. I turned, frowning at Nikki and Paige who retreated, both looking as heartbroken and guilty as I felt. Once they were out of earshot, I stepped in front of Lili, trying to draw her eyes. She moved around me, walking further into the room, taking it in. I stayed close, not sure what to say but wanting to keep an eye on her. She paused in front of the crib, lifting a hand slowly to run it along the polished white wood. Reaching inside, she picked up a small pillow shaped like a crown that matched the bedding already on the crib.

  Her ragged breathing broke the silence. The longer she stayed quiet, the more my anxiety skyrocketed. Finally, when it felt like I couldn't breathe, I stepped forward, putting myself beside her. When she still didn't acknowledge me, I turned, lightly grasping her shoulders to make her face me. She kept her eyes downcast, the pillow clutched against her chest as the tears dripped from her chin onto the pink fabric.

  "Will you please talk to me?" I asked, unable to take the pain I saw in her expression. She looked devastated in a way that terrified me.

  After a moment, she closed her eyes, letting out a soft sob before she spoke. "I don't know if I can do this."

  I replayed her statement in my head, trying to understand what she meant. "Do what? Move in here?"

  She swallowed before answering. "Be a mom."

  Three words. She shattered me with three words.

  Taking her face in my hands, I lifted it, placing kisses any and everywhere while she continued to cry. "Hey," I whispered, saying it again and again between kisses, until she finally opened her eyes to mine. "You are already a mom. You've proven it time and time again with Conner. Just because you didn't give birth to him, doesn't make you any less of a parent to him."

  I'd had similar words said to me after I found out Conner wasn't biologically mine. It wasn't a cure all, but it did help me see the value of my role in his life. And now, I wanted her to see the experience she already had with being a parent.

  "That's not…" She sniffled, taking another shuddering breath. Her entire face was red and I casually rested my hand against her neck, taking her pulse discreetly as I waited for her to speak. Mildly elevated. Crap. Her blood pressure did not need this kind of shock today. "It's not the same thing. I'm not a parent." Her words pulled me out of my worry, my anxiety shifting toward anger.

  "How is it not the same thing? You were almost killed protecting him. You have always put his needs before your own. You have, even when you were struggling, taken the time to learn about what he's going through. How are you not a parent?" My voice had an edge I didn't intend and I regretted it the moment I saw her cringe. "I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you, but you are already an amazing mom to Conner and I know you'll be the same for our daughter." I lowered my hand, resting it against her stomach and running my thumb along it soothingly.

  "What if you're wrong? What if this is the wrong time for us to have a baby and it tears us apart? What if—"

  "What if we have our beautiful little family and we live here and we're perfectly happy? What if we get to wake up to the sound of our daughter’s laugh every morning? What if she's the glue that heals us and binds our family together?" I countered her questions with my own. She wobbled slightly so I tugged on her hands, led her over to the rocking chair nearby, and helped her sit before I knelt in front of her. "I understand you're scared. I'm scared, too. Of so many things. But don't be afraid of us. Don't be afraid to love me, to love our daughter, to love our son. You won't lose us."

  She placed the pillow in her lap, scooting forward in the chair so she could rest her forehead against mine. "I do love you, Zane." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, seeming to brace herself before opening them again. "I love our little family. And I'm sure we're going to be happy here."

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  The Words

  Lili

  Conner didn't handle change well. Not that anyone really did, but Conner's state became worse before it got better. Moving day was a hassle with Zane refusing to let me do a single thing aside from directing where to put boxes.

  But before I knew it, we were settling in our new home. It was cozy, only two small bedrooms and one bathroom, but it was all we really needed for now. And it was just us.

  The first few nights hadn't been easy on any of us. Zane tried not to wake me as he slipped out of our bed almost every hour to pace down the hall to Conner's room to check on him. He was still worried, even though he pretended not to be. He'd had an alarm system put on the house before we officially moved in, but it still didn't seem like enough for him and his anxiety bled into me. Less than a week after we moved in, my blood pressure spiked again. Zane and I started counseling together after that.

  There were things we still needed to work out and we both learned therapy wasn't anything to be ashamed of. We wanted our solid foundation back and if we needed help rebuilding it, that was okay.

  Things seemed to settle within the next few weeks and by the time we hit a month in the house, we were finally feeling comfortable. Not only in our surroundings, but in our relationships and where we fit into each other's lives. I was back working part-time at the shop, even though Zane was against it, because I couldn't stand just sitting at home all the time. The days I would work, he would dote on me after Conner went to bed, rubbing my feet or neck until I fell asleep.

  The one thing we hadn't found our way back to yet was sex. We had intimacy, and he was incredibly tender and careful with me, but for whatever reason, if even a kiss turned too deep, he'd pull away. It was gentle, always sweet and loving, but I felt that space like an empty void between us and as the time passed, I wanted that last hurdle crossed.

  Lying in bed, curled into his side, I ran my fingers over the bare skin of his chest. He let out a contented sigh and I shifted, sliding up as close to him as my stomach would allow. He watched me warily as I lifted to an elbow, leaning over him to kiss him softly. As our tongues started their gentle exploration, we found ourselves at his stopping point much too soon for my liking. Instead of giving in and allowing him to stop, I deepened the kiss, sliding my hand down over the beautifully defined ridges of his abs to toy with the tie on his pajama pants.

  "Lili," he said against my lips, my name a question and a warning at once. I trailed my fingers lower, finding him straining against the material. He hissed in a breath as I lightly traced the outline of him, copying the movement with my tongue against his lips. He groaned. "What are you doing?"

  "I'm having sex with my boyfriend," I answered firmly, cupping my hand over him, reveling in the jerk of his hips.

  "I don't know if…what about…" He tried to protest and I smiled, knowing it was a half-hearted attempt. At this point, he wanted it as bad as I did.

  "I don't know if you'll last very long either," I said, smirking at him when he narrowed his eyes at me. That deep blue, that intense look, he was everything I remembered.

  Firmly but carefully, he rolled us, his body over mine as he straddled one leg. His thigh pressed against me in a way that was both perfect and completely frustrating. "My stamina has never been in question," he growled. If I hadn't been ready for him before, that voice did me in. He sighed, dropping his head down to mine. "I don't know. Maybe we should wait."

  I moaned softly and squirmed, attempting to gain friction against the firm muscles of his leg. "What happened to not being afraid of us? Fearless, right?" I asked, my breath hitching slightly as he leaned forward, pressing more of his leg against me.

  "This isn't the same thing. And don't use my words against me," he said, his voice husky. His eyes dilated s
lightly as he watched me move under him, my hands reaching for his hips as I tried to make him move.

  "Please?" I begged, not even caring. I needed this. I needed him. "I need you." Those words were a weapon I'd never intended to use, but I meant them just the same. "I need to be with you."

  "Fuck," he said, his voice barely audible before his lips came down on mine.

  We moved slowly, taking small steps until we were both fully undressed. Emotionally, I was ready to handle this step between us. But there was no telling when that might change. Sex had, once again, taken on a negative association in my life. That he was being so careful, so thoughtful, brought tears to my eyes.

  "What?" He paused immediately, leaning back. The concern on his face sent the tears to my cheeks. "Lili, it's okay. You can talk to me. You won't upset me."

  I reached up, cupping his cheek in one hand while his eyes continued searching my face. "There were so many times I never thought we'd be here again." I was barely able to speak through the lump in my throat. "But you've always taken care of me. Always. I just…" I choked off, taking a breath and trying to scrub the tears from my face. "Ugh. Fucking pregnancy hormones."

  His fingers gently prying at my hands, removing them from where I had my eyes covered, followed his relieved chuckle. "You are so precious to me."

  I stretched my neck, straining to meet his lips. Our bodies settled together and slowly, still completely focused on me, he slid himself inside. I gasped at the feeling, my eyes squeezing shut as my body adjusted to him.

  "Hey," he said, his voice husky, yet soft. I took a breath, inhaling the scent of him as I blinked and focused on his face. The man above me was perfection. He was everything I never thought I'd find.

  We settled into a slow rhythm, relearning each other and our connection. When I couldn't hold back anymore, I clutched at his neck, pulling his face to mine and letting his lips capture the litany of his name as my body released. He followed moments later, leaving us both breathless as he dropped to the bed beside me and stretched out an arm, allowing me to settle against him. My back was sore, but I'd never admit that to him.