by Maegan Abel
I saw Zane, sitting on the ground in the park as Conner and Emma climbed on him instead of the playground toys. All three of them were laughing. I saw Zane snapping pictures as Emma smiled widely, wearing a hot pink backpack almost as big as she was and sporting pigtails on her first day of school. I saw Conner standing on a stage, the dark cap and gown he wore contrasting against his pale blond hair and light blue eyes as he spoke clearly into a microphone, his voice deep, thanking his family for all their love and support. I watched Zane walking Emma down the aisle at her wedding, a few more lines on his face but otherwise, he looked just the same as he gave her away.
There was beauty. I could see it all.
But I wasn't there.
I needed to be there.
Somewhere, some distant part of my mind reminded me I had to stay strong. I had to fight.
I'd promised him I would always fight for us.
But outside of the silence, there was pain.
Zane
I pressed my fingers into my temples, rubbing circles as I tried to pull myself together. I needed to go through those doors and tell my family what was happening, but I needed to keep it together. Taking a deep breath, I shoved through the double doors and into the waiting area.
Paige, Nikki, Kas, Tish, Kaitlyn, Denni, all of our family rushed forward, eyes worried.
"I have a daughter," I croaked, clearing my throat. "She's, uh…she's in the NICU. She's three pounds, one ounce, and sixteen and a half inches long." I stopped to clear my throat again. "She's not breathing on her own. They have her on a vent and they'll have to put in a feeding tube, but…" I stared up at the ceiling in a vain attempt to stop the tears. They didn't cooperate. "She's beautiful."
"And Lili?" Kaitlyn asked, breaking the silence in the room.
I let out a heavy breath and dropped my eyes from the ceiling, looking around but unable to meet anyone's eyes. "I don't know yet. The last I heard, they were still trying to get the bleeding stopped. She crashed twice, but they were able to bring her back. As a last resort, if they think it'll save her, they'll do a hysterectomy." My voice sounded hollow, clinical. They knew what crashed meant. Hell, I sure as shit knew what it meant.
Died. That's what it meant. Lili died. Twice.
"I need to get back. They were stabilizing the baby, but I need to be with her," I said, heading back to the door.
A set of arms wrapped around me as I turned away. And then another. My whole family—our whole family—pulled me in close in a show of support before letting me go back through the doors. I knew what they were doing and I appreciated it. I didn't have to be Sisyphus, rolling the boulder uphill all alone and watching it fall. I had family. I had support. We had support.
Once I was back inside the NICU, the nurses took me over to the incubator where the baby was. I cleaned my hands, more than ready to touch her and let her know I was with her. She looked tiny, so much smaller than she had before, with the tubes and equipment all over her. But it was keeping her with me and that's all I could ask for at this point. Reaching out, I slowly rubbed my finger up and down her arm. It was beyond surreal, seeing her, staring at this perfect little piece of Lili and me.
Someone entered the room, stepping up behind me. I glanced back, watching as the doctor, scrub cap in hand, approached. My heart hammered in my chest. This was the moment that could break me forever.
"She's stable," she said, immediately putting me out of my misery. I let out a relieved breath and the moment I relaxed, a tiny fist wrapped tightly around my finger. I stared down at my daughter, watching her in complete awe. "We had to do the hysterectomy, there was too much bleeding. She'll need a transfusion. Do you happen to know if you're a match?"
I shook my head. "I'm not. Her sister is in the waiting area. They're twins," I said, knowing without a doubt Kaitlyn would give for Lili.
"Okay. She did great, Zane. She's strong. She'll recover," she said, helping to ease my mind further. I finally looked away from the baby, back at the doctor.
"Thank you. Thank you so much. For everything," I said, meaning every word.
As I stood there, staring at the little girl who was a perfect image of her mother, I realized, just because life gets rough, it doesn't always mean the worst. Sometimes, love really can survive the odds.
Chapter Forty-Three
Happily Ever After
Lili
June 1st
"Are you sure that's all it is?" I asked, hovering behind Zane as he kissed Emma's head and climbed out of the backseat of his car.
"Yes. I'm sure," he said, gripping my shoulders and kissing the top of my head as well. I scowled at him and he smiled, the look lighting up his entire face. "Are you riding in the back with her?" he asked, holding the door.
"Yeah." I stood on my toes, kissing him quickly before gently lowering myself onto the seat.
After about four weeks, I was finally starting to get back to my normal self again, but spending almost all my free time at the hospital with Emma hadn't helped with my recovery. Now that we were getting to take her home, I could actually consider putting this behind us.
We could heal. Together.
I tried not to pay attention to the traffic, knowing how crazy people were in Vegas, and focused on the beautiful face of my daughter instead. It still felt surreal. My daughter. I had the most perfect little girl in the world. She was sleeping now, as usual, and the green pacifier given to her by the hospital was working like crazy, bobbing against her mouth.
I wanted to carry her inside but Zane was still being wildly overprotective of me. I was allowed to hold her, but I wasn't supposed to carry her, according to him. It was all so ridiculous. Regardless, I smiled widely as he followed me into the living room. The room had been transformed; every available surface covered in pink, silver, and white balloons and streamers. A sign hung across the entrance into the kitchen that read:
Welcome Home, Emma Olivia!
How was it that these people still managed to surprise me? I felt my eyes start tearing up and my jaw trembled as I clenched it to keep from letting out the sob. Zane chuckled and placed Emma's carrier on the coffee table, wrapping both arms around my shoulders from behind.
"Thank you guys for doing this. We appreciate it, even if my wife can't manage to say so," he said, earning him an elbow jab.
Conner's curious face drew my attention. Everyone here, at one point or another, had been able to come see Emma over the last several weeks while she was in the NICU. Conner, because of his age, wasn't allowed. We'd told him about her, but it was hard to know how much he understood.
"You can come see her," I said, carefully lowering myself to my knees beside where Zane placed Emma. Conner edged forward, his eyes wide as he stared at her. "Conner, this is Emma. She's your little sister."
His gaze shifted to mine, questioning. I nodded, pulling over the small diaper bag I'd packed and squirting some hand sanitizer onto his palms. He rubbed them together like I showed him and reached out, running his finger along her arm. I heard the gasps and murmurs of those around us, but I ignored them. Conner had been through a traumatic event and he struggled, but somewhere in there was the little boy he'd always been.
Emma's fingers curled tightly around Conner's when he reached her hand and his eyes widened. She blinked, slowly sliding her body in the seat as her little legs started kicking. I laughed, a part of me hoping for some reaction from Conner, though I'd never push him to change. He was perfect just as he was. After a moment, the pacifier fell from her mouth as she cooed at him. There was more laughter from those around us as people broke off into smaller groups, chatting amongst themselves.
"She loves you. She knows you're her big brother," I whispered, loving the awe clear on Conner's face as he watched her.
Maybe she really would be the piece to heal us all.
"It's late. He should be in his bed," Zane complained half-heartedly as I shushed him.
Conner had climbed into our bed after everyone else left, watc
hing as I fed Emma her bottle and rocked her to sleep. Now, he was asleep beside me and I held Emma to my chest.
Zane rolled his eyes, climbed in on the other side of Conner, scooting closer so he could lean down, and nuzzle his face into Emma's blonde hair. He turned his face up to mine, capturing my lips in a soft kiss.
"It's only eight-thirty, you know," I whispered, leaning my head against his as he readjusted Conner so he could wrap an arm around me, holding all of us at once. "This is a far cry from the way we spent your last birthday."
He groaned. "Don't remind me. I don't want to think about it."
"Why? Because you’re closer to thirty than twenty now, old man?" I flinched as he playfully flicked my ear.
"This has been the best birthday ever. Even with all the old age jokes," he said, dropping his voice a little as Conner stirred between us.
"No, but seriously, you should do something about the gray hair. It doesn't blend as well with the blond as you think. Ouch," I hissed, scowling as he rubbed the now tender spot where he'd pulled my hair. "The receding hairline, I don't think you can do anything about that." I threw the last part in there anyway, earning myself another flick on my ear. I squirmed, giggling as I tried to move away from his hand.
"You know what? I think I can embrace it."
"Getting old?" I asked, focusing my attention on his face.
"Yeah. I mean, here we are, married with two beautiful children…" He looked down at Conner and Emma before returning his eyes to mine. "My life is better than I ever thought it could be. If it took getting a little older for that to happen, so be it."
"So, you're not disappointed that we didn't get to go out and party to celebrate?" I asked, partly teasing, but also a little unsure. He'd been taking care of me for so long, I honestly worried a part of him might miss that life. The freedom of being able to live the life he wanted was all in the past now.
"My heart, every part of it, is in this bed. I can't imagine a better birthday than this one."
I stared up at him, fighting back the tears that threatened to turn me into that damn emotional mess of a girl I'd become recently. "Mine, too."
Epilogue
Free
Conner
Two Years Later
I stare out the window, watching the fluffy, white clouds pass slowly across the bright blue sky.
The clouds are free.
I want to be free.
I hear my name whispered behind me by my dad. He doesn't think I'm listening. They never think I'm listening. But I am. I hear everything.
I heard last night when Aunt Paige asked Dad if I was "up for this". I blink and let out a long breath. Up for this. This is Aunt Paige and Nikki's wedding. Lili talked Aunt Paige into letting me be the ring bearer. I know it was Lili.
There's a knock on the door behind me and I hear it open. I focus my eyes on the reflection instead of the clouds to see who it is. Lili walks in, holding Emma's hand. Emma breaks free, running toward the small couch where I'm sitting and climbing up to stand beside me, looking over the back. Her shiny white shoes are already kicked onto the floor as she leans over, pressing her curls against the glass.
"Emma," I hear Lili groan. Probably about her hair. Maybe the shoes. Girls always worry about stuff like that. Emma leans into me and I let her. She understands me. I can see it in her eyes. She doesn't look at me like I'm broken. She looks at me like she can hear what I want to say.
Two and a half years is a long time to be trapped.
I want to be free.
"How's Conner?" Lili asks Dad softly. I turn my attention back to the clouds, wishing they wouldn't talk about me like I'm not here. But, I guess, maybe I'm not. Or maybe, I am. I don't really know.
"He's good. No problems. I just…" Dad trails off and I refocus my eyes on his reflection. He's watching me and I can see his pain clearly. I hate it. It's my fault it's there, but I can't make it go away. He smiles at me when he meets my eyes, but it's sad. He's sad.
There's another knock at the door and Aunt Kas comes in with Uncle Tish. Seeing Uncle Tish in his fancy clothes reminds me of his wedding a year ago. It makes me sad. I look back at the clouds, wishing I knew how not to be sad anymore.
"He'll be fine. He's got this," Lili says in the voice she always uses when people try to say mean things about me. It makes my heart hurt.
I wish I could tell Uncle Tish and Aunt Kas I'm sorry. Because I am. I didn't mean to mess up their wedding. I wish I could tell someone. Emma wraps her arms around my neck and leans her head on my shoulder. She knows. She understands.
"I luff you, bubba." Emma's voice is high and squeaky. She doesn't know how to use her inside voice. I'm supposed to teach her things. That's what everyone says. I'm her big brother. I'm supposed to teach her things.
I look over at Emma and know everyone else in the room is watching us. I don't like it. I want to smile at Emma. I tell my lips to do it, but they don't listen. I hear my dad's sad sigh. They're all still hoping I'll talk.
I want to be free.
When Aunt Kas and Lili leave the room with Uncle Tish, I feel Dad walk up behind me.
"Conner?" he asks, but he doesn't touch me. He waits for me to turn around and sit on the couch to face him. Emma copies me. "I need to know if you can do this. You're just going to hold the pillow in one hand and hold Emma's hand while you walk to me. Can you do that?"
I stare into his eyes. Say yes. Tell him you can do this. But my lips won't work. Nod. Let him know you understand. Nothing works. Dad reaches toward me slowly and I hate that look on his face. But I understand it. Touching would frustrate me before. I couldn't handle them hugging me because I wanted to hug them back, but it didn't work. It's hard when you can't make your body do the things you want it to.
Dad touches my cheeks and presses his lips against my forehead. It makes my heart hurt almost worse than Lili being mad because people don't trust me to be good. Dad still loves me. He tells me so all the time. I love him, too. I just don't know how to make my lips work anymore. He sits back on his feet and watches me.
Move. Do something.
My hand reaches over for Emma and I feel her chubby little fingers wrap around mine. Dad's eyes widen for a moment and I hear Emma giggle. She knows I'm getting there. I slide off the couch and Dad slips Emma's shoes back on her feet before she drops down beside me. He hands her a little white basket of flowers. He holds out a white satin pillow to me. Move. My other hand reaches out and Dad slips the white strap over the back to hold the pillow in place.
I look up at Dad and his smile is wider. I made him happy. That makes me happy. He walks us to the door of the church and leans down to talk to me again.
"Just wait for Aunt Paige to tell you it's your turn. Okay, buddy?" He pauses, clearly waiting for a response, but I can't reply. I squeeze Emma's fingers and she nods to Dad for me. She understands.
The walk is easy and I'm happy for that. People stare at me. It's that same weird stare I get a lot. They don't trust me to be good either. I was bad at Uncle Tish and Aunt Kas' wedding. I've been bad a lot. But not for a while. I've been better. I'm getting better. I know it.
I watch Aunt Paige and Nikki walk up together. They're both in fluffy white dresses like Emma's. They talk and Emma gets bored. She starts to fidget with her dress and I worry they'll get mad at her like they did me at Uncle Tish's wedding. She fluffs her dress and people start to laugh. I look over and she smiles as she does it again. More people laugh and Dad puts a hand on her shoulder to stand her still.
I'm just glad they aren't mad at her.
When it's time to walk again, Emma holds Dad's hand. I start to walk behind them, but I notice Lili beside me. She's holding flowers but the hand closest to me is free, so I reach up and take it. She smiles down at me, but doesn't look surprised like someone else might. She knows, too. Lili has always been on my side.
We wait while the people leave the church before we go back in and take pictures. Sometimes Emma and I sit on the front benc
h and watch, and sometimes we're in the pictures, too. Emma wants to be in all the pictures, but she's easily distracted when Lili offers her phone. I watch her push buttons on the screen and she scoots closer so I can see too.
When we get to the room where all the food is, I climb into the chair between Dad and Lili. Emma is curled up in Lili's lap, yawning. It's almost naptime. We stand up and clap when Aunt Paige and Nikki come in and then we all get to eat. Dad helps me take off my coat and tucks my napkin into the collar of my shirt. He smiles at me again and I try really hard to make my mouth smile back. I know it does something ‘cause Dad's smile widens and he leans in and kisses my forehead again.
I watch Dad dance with Lili and then with Emma on his feet. He's smiling at her, but it's different. I want Lili to dance with me while Dad dances with Emma, but I'm not ready. There would be too many people watching me again and I don't want that.
By the time we get home, it's late and Emma is already asleep. Dad reads me a book in my room while Lili puts Emma in her bed. Then Lili comes in and sits with Dad on the side of my bed.
"You did so well today, buddy," Dad says when he finishes the book. He straightens my covers before he leans in to kiss my forehead again.
"We love you, Conner." Lili smiles and kisses my cheek before they head to the door.
Say it. Work, please.
"I love you, too."
Meanwhile, on a beach in Mexico…
Staring off at the sun as it disappears beyond the horizon, she looks just like the angel I've seen her as since we met. The fractions of light splinter and splay along the water, creating a tint to the glossy shine of her dark hair.
I watch as she pulls her hair to one shoulder, braiding it loosely to keep it from blowing in her face. I move closer, unable to help myself. I want to hold her, I can't seem to stop the desire—the need to be closer.
