by Beth Reekles
“Lee…”
“Shelly, he’s bringing Amanda.”
Even though I was expecting him to say that, the air rushed out of my lungs and I put a hand against the nearest wall—the glass of the tank—for support, feeling dizzy. I was pretty sure that my heart had shattered before, when I broke up with Noah, but that was nothing compared to how I felt now. The floor seemed to swim beneath me. There was a ringing in my ears. The tang at the back of my throat made me wonder if I was going to puke.
“Shelly?” Lee was saying. “You still there? Rochelle? Elle?”
“Yeah,” I said. My voice sounded strangled. I took a few deep breaths, suppressing the feeling of nausea. Something else filled the void pretty quickly, though, as I got hold of myself: anger.
“You okay?”
“Okay?” I hissed, dropping my voice to a whisper. I noticed a couple of people looking at me, and I staggered a few feet farther away. “Of course I’m not fucking okay, Lee! You saw that photo of them on Facebook. I told you about that conversation I overheard between them the day we broke up. And now he’s bringing her home for Thanksgiving dinner, when he knows I’ll be there? To rub it in my face? I’m pretty fucking far from okay.”
“Whoa, whoa, Shelly, okay, I get it. Chill out,” Lee said, sounding frantic. I didn’t often use the F-word, same as Lee. But if there was any time for it, it was now. “I just figured you should know now. Rather than be surprised on Thanksgiving Day.”
“Thanks for telling me,” I said through clenched teeth. But it wasn’t Lee I was mad at, and we both knew that. “I just…I can’t believe he’d do that to me. I know we’re broken up, so now he’s totally entitled to sleep with her and date her and whatever, but to bring her home with him like that, this soon after, it’s just— God, I can’t believe he’d do that! What kind of asshole—”
“Elle?”
It was Levi now, saying my name. He was standing in front of me, touching my shoulder with a frown on his face.
I held up a finger to signal “one minute” to him and focused on what Lee was saying: “I know you’re not over him, Shelly, and that you’re heartbroken over the whole breakup, but if it’s any consolation, he told my mom she’s just a friend.”
“She’s not just a friend, Lee! She’s not, and we both know that!”
“Well,” he said cautiously, “we don’t know for sure they’re hooking up.”
“Oh, so now I’m just making stuff up?”
“No, I didn’t say that. You know I didn’t.”
I let out a deep breath. “I’m sorry. You know it’s not you I’m mad at.”
“I know. Look, text me when you get home and I’ll come over and see you, and we can talk about it more then, yeah?”
“Okay.”
“Say hi to Levi for me. See you later.”
“Bye,” I said, hanging up and dropping my cell back into my purse. I looked up at Levi.
“What was that all about? Is everything okay?”
I shook my head and wasn’t surprised when my eyes filled with tears. I blinked them away, but one fell down my cheek before I could get rid of it. “Noah’s bringing Amanda home for Thanksgiving.”
Levi just pursed his lips, and said, “Oh crap.”
* * *
• • •
I had the same conversation with both Lee and Levi, and now I was having it again with my dad. I just needed to vent about it. A lot. Repeatedly. Like a broken, bitchy record.
Brad was taking a shower before bed, so it was just me and my dad sitting downstairs in the living room with mugs of hot chocolate as I told him exactly how much I hated Noah. I’d told my dad we’d broken up because of the distance, but now I told him everything. I was too furious to keep it in.
“I mean,” I said for the billionth time, “he knows how much trouble she was causing between us. She’s practically the reason we broke up. First the photo, and then the phone call. I knew they were close, and I wanted to trust him when he said he didn’t cheat on me with her. And I was kind of expecting them to get together once I broke up with him, if they were that close, but the fact that he’s bringing her home when he knows I’ll be there…Like, okay, maybe if she’d come to visit around Christmastime, then fine, because I might have moved on by then. But it’s only been a couple of weeks.”
My dad wasn’t saying much; he just nodded and went “Mmm-hmm” in the right places and let me get it out of my system.
He nodded again now, while I paused to draw breath.
“And the fact that he’s moved on so quickly that he’s already close enough to her to bring her home for the holidays really gets me. I mean, he can’t have been that upset about our breakup if he’s already with her seriously enough to do that.”
“Didn’t Lee say that they’re just friends, though?”
I scoffed. “That’s what Noah told his mom. I just told you about the phone call I overheard. They’ve got to be together. I mean, she’s really pretty. She’s so pretty. And she’s smart, too. They have all these classes together. She can talk about all kinds of stuff with him I just wouldn’t get. When are guys like Noah ever not with girls like her?”
“Elle, I know I’m not the best at this, but, well, maybe you’re looking at this the wrong way. It didn’t work out with you and Noah. And you need to move on, like you’ve said. This can be your chance to show him you have.”
“But I haven’t.”
Well. Not really. Just because I’d wanted to kiss Levi earlier didn’t mean I’d moved on from Noah completely.
“And if he’s bringing his new girlfriend home for the holidays, do you want him to know you’re still hung up on him?”
I hadn’t thought about it like that.
“So…pretend that I am over him?”
My dad shrugged. “If it makes you feel better.”
I let myself imagine it in my mind: me greeting Noah and Amanda really politely, with a big smile that said I didn’t care if they were dating now because I was totally over it, and Noah’s let-down expression when he realized I wasn’t chasing after him anymore, that I didn’t miss him, actually. He could bring her home to flaunt in front of my face, and I would show him how little I cared about him in return. See how he liked that.
“I guess I could do that.”
“It might help you actually get over him,” my dad said.
“Maybe.”
Chapter 19
“Maybe I should get a new boyfriend,” I commented to Lee as we walked to class the following week. “Not anything serious, necessarily, but just, you know, to invite over on Thanksgiving to make a point to Noah.”
“I don’t think that’s the right reason to get a boyfriend,” Lee said with a warning tone in his voice.
“I’m just saying.”
“Yeah, well, so am I. What next, Elle—revenge sex?”
I laughed. “With who? His roommate, Steve, on the other side of the country?” Lee rolled his eyes and I gave him a pointed look. “I’m not talking about that. Just…” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, tugging on the ends of it in frustration. “I just can’t stop thinking about it. About them.”
I also couldn’t stop thinking about how close I’d come to kissing Levi.
“I get that you’re feeling betrayed, Shelly, but I really think you need to try to get over it. You’re too hung up on this.”
“I am trying to get over it! I was! Until he decided to bring her home for the holidays.” I ground my teeth. I’d been doing that a lot the past few days, whenever I pictured Noah and Amanda sitting together at the table in his parents’ dining room, their hands linked together on top of the table, them giving each other soppy, love-struck looks all the time.
The part I hated most about that picture was how perfectly they seemed to go together.
“What
, like it would’ve been any easier to see Noah on his own if he’s in a relationship with Amanda?”
I sighed. “Well, yeah. It’s just…bringing her home for the holidays is pretty serious. Right? And it’s just making me wonder if maybe they did have something going on while we were still together.”
“One thing I know for sure is that my brother would never cheat on you.”
“I’m not saying he cheated, necessarily, but maybe they were flirting a little, and…and maybe there was chemistry. And maybe coming home to visit me was just a last-ditch effort to see if we still had chemistry, like they do.”
“Shelly, seriously. You’re overthinking this.”
I waved him off, trying not to let the comment get to me. I knew I was overthinking it. I knew I was getting worked up over something that was probably nothing. I knew I was stressing out way too much about this whole thing. I knew that I shouldn’t be letting myself think about Noah this much.
But a big part of me was still in love with him. And that part was hurting too much to let this go.
Levi tried to reassure me a few days later: “It won’t be so bad on the day. You’ll see. He’ll walk in with this girl Amanda and you’ll realize you’re not as hurt as you think you are. Seeing them together might help you get over him.”
“But she’s perfect,” I whined to Levi. I’d convinced Rachel to take a little snoop on Noah’s Facebook and Instagram profiles with me the other night. I’d resisted so far, but now I wanted to look. His relationship status still said “single,” but that didn’t mean he didn’t have anything going on with Amanda. That just meant he hadn’t changed his Facebook status. There were a few updates from him, about a “great night with the guys” or something similar, and photos that he’d been tagged in.
Amanda was in a lot of those photos with him. They weren’t kissing in any of them, but they had their arms around each other and they looked couple-y.
And she looked so much better than I did. She looked so…grown up.
Like, she could’ve been a catalog model. Her skin was flawless, her hair looked good in every single photo on Noah’s profile, and, even in the photos taken at parties where she had a drink in her hand, there wasn’t an unattractive shot of her. Not even with her eyes half closed, or her mouth hanging open, or anything.
It was so unfair.
I told Levi so, and he just shrugged. “Maybe she’s got a really bad personality. Maybe she’s really, really boring.”
I could only hope.
I doubted it, though.
* * *
• • •
As November slipped away and Thanksgiving drew closer, I did my best to stop focusing on the whole thing with my ex and his (probably) new girlfriend coming home, and I attacked my college applications with a furious passion.
I even filled in an application for Brown. Partly because I wanted to be with Lee, I did admit to my dad. I also applied to San Diego and a couple of others close by. Once I got one application done, I felt like I could handle more. I still didn’t know what I really wanted to do after college, but my dad reassured me I’d figure it out.
I convinced Rachel to come out one afternoon, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, to get mani-pedis with me. We hadn’t hung out, just the two of us, outside school and not involving college applications, in a long time—and I needed a girly afternoon before facing Noah and Amanda, I figured.
Plus, I’d been trying to keep Levi at a distance. It didn’t feel right to be hanging out with him wondering if there was something between us when I was so preoccupied over Noah.
“How are you feeling about it?” Rachel asked me when we sat down to grab a coffee. “Okay, or still stressing out?”
“Right now, I’m okay. If he wants to be a total jackass and do this, then fine, but I’m not going to let him know it’s getting to me. Besides, I deserve better than someone who’ll get over me that fast.”
“I can’t see how he did get over you that fast, though,” Rachel said slowly. “I mean…he loved you. A lot. Everyone could see that. I kind of have to agree with Lee—maybe Noah was telling June the truth, and they’re just friends.”
“A friend he’s bringing home for a major holiday that you usually spend with your family?”
Rachel sighed. “Yeah, but…he loved you so much. You can’t just get over a relationship like the one you guys had like that. If they are dating, or just hooking up, or something, at least you can be pretty sure she’s just a rebound. It probably won’t last that long, if they are together.”
“You think?”
“Yeah,” Rachel said with confidence, but when I glanced over at her expression, she didn’t look so sure of herself.
“Anyway, enough about me for now. I’m done stressing and being mad. I can totally handle it. I’m going to show him he doesn’t have a hold on my heart anymore, even if that’s not exactly true. How are things with you and Lee?”
Rachel’s whole face lit up with a smile and, despite myself, I felt a pang of jealousy. “So great! I really hope we both get into Brown next year, because it kills me to think I might be away from him. And I hope you get in, too, of course. I don’t think Lee will be able to function properly if you’re not around,” she added quickly with a laugh that was a little awkward. “But yeah, it’s…it’s weird. I feel like it’s been way longer than just a few months that we’ve been together. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. And it’s like, whenever Lee’s around, I forget if I’m upset about anything or stressing out. He just makes me feel so much happier.”
“That’s great,” I said, though my voice didn’t have as much enthusiasm as I’d have liked. I was happy for them, even if I was a little bit jealous. “Honestly, I’m glad you guys are doing so well. I’ve never seen Lee happier than when he’s with you. Or talking about you. Or texting you. Or thinking about you.” I laughed.
Rachel blushed a little.
“And,” I said, dropping my voice and leaning a little bit closer, “how’s the sex life?”
She blushed even brighter, and I laughed. “I’m teasing,” I assured her. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I know it’s probably weird talking to me about it, because of how close I am with Lee.”
Rachel smiled at me, biting her lip. “I honestly don’t know what I was so scared about. Seriously. I thought it was going to be this really big deal, and it just…wasn’t.”
“Should I pass that on to Lee?” I joked.
“Oh, God, please don’t.” She giggled. “I just mean, it’s like, you hear everyone talking about it like it’s such a major thing, and it just wasn’t. In a good way, you know? I’d totally built it up in my head that it was something to be nervous about, and there was nothing to be nervous about.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“Yeah. Okay, so enough talk about my bedroom business,” she said. “Since the topic of the afternoon seems to be guys—I’ve been dying to ask, but I didn’t really want to do it at school with everyone around. What’s going on with you and Levi?”
I couldn’t help the way my head snapped toward her. “What about me and Levi?”
“Well, you’re always together. And you act all flirty.”
“I don’t flirt with him!”
Did everyone else notice that? Did he notice? (I had barely even noticed I was doing it.)
“Mmm.” Rachel pulled a face, unconvinced. “You kind of do. And he flirts back. I’m telling you, Elle, everyone is convinced you’re together.”
“I…I don’t…”
The last thing I needed was Rachel telling Lee that I had a crush on Levi, and it getting out—especially when I hadn’t even really worked out what my feelings toward him were yet.
“I don’t have a crush on him, if that’s what you’re getting at,” I told her, adding, “Beside
s, what’s wrong with a little harmless flirting?”
She didn’t look overly convinced, but she let it go, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
* * *
• • •
I made Rachel come over to help me pick an outfit for Thanksgiving dinner after our mani-pedis.
“I know I said I’m not stressing out,” I told her, opening my closet, “but this is different. This is my outfit. And I want something that screams ‘I’m totally happy with myself and totally over you.’ ”
“And ‘Look at what you’re missing out on now, Noah Flynn’?” Rachel added with a sly smile.
“Well, that too.”
She laughed, and settled down comfortably at the foot of my bed. “Okay, so what are the options?”
I pulled out one dress, which I’d bought about a year ago, that was mustard yellow and had long sleeves and a figure-hugging skirt.
Rachel pulled a face. “So not a fan. It looks like dog puke.”
“What? But it’s such a fall color!”
“And I’m sure you can do better. Next!”
I pulled out a floaty black blouse made out of a thin linen. The buttons only did up part way, because my boobs had grown since I’d last worn it. I tried it on to show Rachel what I meant.
She scrunched her nose up. “Hot, but might look like you’re trying too hard? And black seems kind of dull for Thanksgiving, unless you’re going for a classy LBD. Like you’re in mourning or something.”
“Okay…” I put the blouse back in the closet and pulled out a few more shirts to show her. Too casual, too summery, too brightly and garishly patterned, too conservative, too try-hard…
I found another dress buried in the back of my closet, one I’d almost forgotten I owned. I hadn’t worn it in a while.
“Ooh, cute,” Rachel said as I pulled it out. The dress was light cotton and deep burgundy, with a scoop neckline and sleeves to my elbows. I pulled it on for Rachel’s verdict.
“I think we’ve just found the perfect outfit,” Rachel declared.
