by Beth Reekles
I climbed out of the car.
“Hey.”
“Hi. Happy Thanksgiving.”
“You too. I’m sorry I called you and dragged you away from your family. It’s just…I needed a friend.”
Levi didn’t look remotely annoyed, though. “That’s okay. Besides, my mom was watching La La Land again and my sister was too busy trying to do a puzzle for them to miss me for a while.”
“What about your dad?”
“He’s taking a nap. I think it was an excuse to get out of watching La La Land, but it might just be his meds making him tired again.”
I smiled at him but didn’t speak.
“Wanna go for a walk?”
I nodded, and we ambled through the park gates. It was quiet: there were some kids playing tag, their family sitting on a nearby bench, and an old couple was taking a walk hand in hand. The breeze rustled through the trees, making it rain leaves on us.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Levi asked.
“Not right now.”
He held out a hand toward me, and I took it. We’d never held hands like this before, but…it was nice. It felt like the right thing to be doing. There was no spark when we touched, no electricity. But I thought again about how, maybe, that wasn’t such a bad thing.
We walked around the park for a little while before going to the swings and sitting down. I rocked back and forth, my toes anchoring me to the ground. Levi stayed still, running his fingers over the rusted spots on the chain.
After another heartbeat of silence, I spilled my guts out. Told him how sucky my Thanksgiving Day had been and how I hated that Amanda was so nice, and that she’d even asked if I still had feelings for Noah, and—
“Do you?” he interrupted me.
“Huh?”
“Do you still have feelings for Noah?”
“You know what the worst part is?” I said instead. “He didn’t even say hi to me. And half the time he couldn’t even look me in the eye.”
“Are you sure he’s actually in a relationship with Amanda?”
The question startled me.
“Well…he’s…he’s got to be. I mean…”
All the evidence suggested he was. Or that they had something going on. That picture, the phone call, all the parties they went to together, the casual touches, the fact that he brought her home for the holidays…that she’d wanted to know if I still had feelings for him…
And yet.
No relationship status on Facebook. No introduction of her as his girlfriend. No mention of her being his girlfriend or anything else. No kissing. Not even really any hugging. No soppy looks between them.
I’d convinced myself so easily that I’d forgotten nobody had actually called her his girlfriend.
I glared at the ground, kicking off sideways so that the chains of my swing twisted around. I bit my tongue.
So what if they weren’t officially anything? There had to be something there. Otherwise…otherwise…
I picked both my feet up off the ground, letting myself spin around so fast that I got a little dizzy. Levi’s voice floated around me.
“If you don’t wanna talk about it, I can change the topic. Let’s see…There’s football, the parade, um…Frozen. I can quote Frozen by heart now. We can sing one of the duets, if you want, but I get to sing Anna’s parts. Or there’s the French Revolution. Spanish Civil War. The episode of Jeopardy! I watched last night…”
I’d stopped spinning now, and he was still rambling.
“Levi—”
“Embarrassing stories from my childhood—”
What I meant to do was tell him to shut up, tell him I’d rather not talk at all right now.
That’s not what happened, though.
On some reckless, crazy impulse, I reached across to his swing, grabbed his coat collar, and pulled him toward me.
And just like that, we were kissing.
I’d only ever kissed Noah. His kisses were familiar; they made my skin tingle with that firework feeling I’d always read about in books. His kisses were the only ones I’d known.
And kissing Levi was so different and so weirdly similar all at once.
I pushed all thoughts of Noah from my mind and concentrated on kissing Levi. It was all soft and hesitant—he’d stayed still for a second at first, but now his hand was on my face and he was kissing me back.
I knew I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. I knew it wasn’t fair to Levi. But I couldn’t seem to stop. I was a horrible, horrible person.
And all I could think about was how it was nice, and exactly like I’d expected it to be when I’d thought about kissing him, but it wasn’t like kissing Noah.
My thoughts still plagued by Noah, I kissed Levi harder. I needed to forget about Noah. I needed to move on. And I liked Levi, so why not move on with Levi?
I was the worst person in the world.
I was the one who stopped kissing him, though. Eventually.
When I did, I felt beyond ashamed of myself. Levi looked a little happy and a lot confused. His eyelids were heavy, his breathing shallow.
I’d started to open my mouth to apologize when the park gate clanged loudly, like someone had slammed it back into place. I looked around and saw a tall, broad figure striding away. It was getting dark, so I couldn’t see him properly—but I didn’t need to.
He’d followed me here—or Lee had told him and he’d come after me. And he’d seen.
My stomach lurched. My lips formed his name and it felt like someone had punched the air straight out of my lungs.
It wasn’t like we were still dating, like I couldn’t or shouldn’t kiss Levi if that was what I wanted to do, but still—knowing he’d seen us somehow made me feel every bit as terrible as if I had cheated.
I turned back to Levi, biting my cheek. The poor guy looked so confused by the interruption and my sudden shift in demeanor, and I felt…awful. He didn’t deserve this. I never should have asked him to meet me. I heard my breath shudder and bit my lip.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I mean…I don’t mean it’s anything against you, but I just…I’m really sorry. God, I’ve screwed up everything. I’m sorry. I’m such a bad person.”
Levi looked even more sheepish than I did. “No, it’s…it’s my fault, too. I shouldn’t have kissed you back.”
I shook my head. “This wasn’t…This was a mistake. Not because of you or anything, but…I mean…I can’t do this right now. Do you think we could just…forget that happened? For now, anyway? I don’t want to screw things up with us, and I know making out kind of already screwed things up, but—”
“Elle,” he said, cutting across me. I looked up from my knees to see Levi smiling at me, the usual easy smile I was used to. But there was no missing the hurt in his eyes, the way he couldn’t quite look at me, or the way his smile faded after a moment. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry. Fuck, Levi, I’m…I don’t even know what I was…” I bit my lip, then fixed him with a determined stare. “No, you know what? I do know what I was thinking. And it was a shitty thing to do.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“Well.” His lips twitched. “Yeah, it’s not. But I won’t hold it against you. We all do stupid things when we’re in love.”
I opened my mouth to object and faltered.
“You really need to stop being right so much,” I mumbled, trying to clear the air a little. “One day it’s gonna bite you in the ass.”
“It’s because I’m a Ravenclaw. It’s what we do. Being right, I mean.”
I let myself smile again, raising my eyebrows. “Oh, please. You’re such a Hufflepuff.”
We stayed on the swings a while longer, watching dusk bleed pink and red through the sky and the wind blow
more leaves from the trees.
“I should probably be getting back,” Levi said after a while. “I promised my mom I wouldn’t be gone too long. Are you gonna be okay?”
I nodded. “Sure. Thanks for coming to meet me. And…I’m sorry. Again. I really am.”
He shrugged. “I’ll get over it. In fairness, you did call me so you could vent about your ex. I should’ve seen it coming. Come on, I’ll walk you back to your car.”
I let him, but this time we didn’t hold hands.
He gave me a hug before leaving, though. “You know you can call me if you need anything, right?”
I nodded. “I think I’m just gonna head home. I don’t much feel like facing up to Noah and Amanda right now, you know?”
“Okay.”
“Say hi to your mom and dad and Becca for me.”
“Will do. See you, Elle.”
“Yeah. See you.”
I didn’t drive off straightaway. I sat there staring blankly at the park, wondering why Noah had come after me.
Was it because he wanted to talk? Did he just feel bad that he’d chased me out of the house and wanted to apologize? Or was it something more?
He’d asked me about Levi. He’d seen the photo and it had obviously bugged him enough to comment on it like he had. And then he’d come after me.
I stopped before my mind ran away with itself. Noah and I were over. And I had to remember: I’d been the one to end things. He had no right to be mad if I snuck away from Thanksgiving to make out with Levi, and I had no right to want him to miss me.
Turning the key in the ignition so violently that I stalled the car, I ground my teeth. I really had to stop wondering if there was still anything between us, or if there ever would be again, no matter how I felt.
It just hurt so much because he’d been the first guy I’d fallen in love with. That was all. Right? In a few more months, I’d look back and laugh at how stupid I’d been about this whole thing. And it was so hard because he was going to be a part of my life whether we were together or not.
I turned the car on again, this time not stalling, and an Imagine Dragons song was on the radio. Then I made my way home.
* * *
• • •
When I got home, I called my dad.
“Is everything okay, bud? Where are you? Lee said you went to hang out with Levi.”
“Yeah, I did. I’m home now.”
“Aren’t you coming back here?”
“I’ve got really bad cramps, Dad. I’m just gonna head to bed.”
“Oh. Um, okay. If you’re sure. Do you want us to come home?”
“No, no, you guys stay there. I’m fine.”
In a lower tone, my dad asked, “This doesn’t have anything to do with You-Know-Who, right?”
“No, Dad, Voldemort has nothing to do with this.”
“Oh, ha-ha, very funny.” I could practically hear him rolling his eyes at me down the line. “You know what I mean. I know it must’ve been hard for you today, seeing them together, but—”
“It’s just cramps, Dad.”
“If you say so. Well, we won’t get home too late if you’re not feeling well.”
“Okay,” I said, because there was no point arguing. “I’ll see you later. Can you say bye to everyone for me, and sorry I had to leave?”
“Of course. They’ll understand.”
I hung up, and within ten minutes I had a text from Lee.
Liar. I know you had your period last week.
Then another: Noah looks pissed. Did he talk to you?
He said he wanted to say sorry to you because he knew you left cos of him. What did you say to him?
And: SHELLY STOP IGNORING ME.
Okay. I hope you “feel better” soon. When you do, text me back and tell me what happened.
Love ya, even if you are ignoring me.
When the texts stopped coming through, I put my cell phone to one side and ran my hands through my hair. I could really have done with a reset button for today.
I took my time taking off my makeup and getting changed for bed. I had a raging headache from overthinking everything, so took some Advil and climbed into bed. I’d just pulled the comforter over my head when I heard my dad’s car pull up outside.
A couple minutes later, there was a knock on my door.
“Elle? Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
I sat up as my dad came in, calling over his shoulder to Brad to take a shower before bed. Then, to me, he said, “How’re you feeling?”
“Okay.”
It wasn’t entirely a lie. Physically, I felt okay, anyway.
“Look, bud, I know how hard it must’ve been for you today, because I know how much you liked Noah, but—”
“Oh my God, Dad, I’m not having this conversation right now.”
Not when my headache was just starting to ease off.
“All right, all right…” He held his hands up in surrender. “But you know I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
“I don’t. Jeez. I don’t care about Noah or his precious new girlfriend.”
He sighed. “Okay, fine. Well, just in case you do care, they’re leaving on Sunday afternoon, and Noah said he’d like to talk to you before he goes, if you’re okay with that. You know, he seemed really upset about something.”
“I can’t imagine what.”
I was a horrible, horrible person to hope he’d been jealous.
“Elle…”
“Dad,” I snapped back, then felt bad for snapping. I pursed my lips. “I don’t want to talk to or about Noah. Can we drop it now?”
“Fine. Do you want some hot chocolate? I’m making me and Brad some.”
“No, I’m good. I think I’m just gonna get some sleep.”
Another sigh, and Dad pushed his glasses up his nose. “All right. Night, bud. Happy Thanksgiving.”
“You too.”
He snapped off the light on his way out, leaving me alone in the growing darkness.
My phone buzzed again, rattling across my nightstand. I glanced at it, expecting another text from Lee, or maybe Levi. It was neither.
Can you meet me tomorrow? Want to talk x
I stared at the screen in shock, thinking, He must be desperate to talk if he spoke to my dad AND texted me.
But I ignored it, and ignored the kiss at the end, and he didn’t send any more. I lay on the edge of sleep until past midnight, trying not to think about the fiasco that was the entire day and unable to think of anything but.
Chapter 23
By some miracle, I managed to avoid Noah the whole next day—and Lee. I messaged Levi a little, neither of us mentioning the kiss; I was relieved things were (relatively) normal between us. After a while, I turned off my cell phone and spent a few hours online surfing through the Black Friday sales, and then watched a movie with my dad and brother before helping Brad with some homework because I was so desperate for any kind of distraction.
When I turned my phone on before dinner, I had a couple of texts. One was from Levi; another three were from Lee asking me to reply already or was I actually mad at him for something; one from Rachel, asking me to please get back to Lee because he was worrying about me but didn’t want to come over in case I was pissed at him for some reason; and another from Noah, asking if I could please reply to him, that he just wanted to talk to me before he went back to college.
I replied to Lee first.
I kept it vague, just apologizing for not getting back sooner, saying that I hadn’t spoken to Noah yesterday after dinner and that I’d just needed space today.
Then I texted Rachel to let her know I’d replied to Lee and to ask how her Thanksgiving had been. I replied to Levi, too—his had only been something about a quiz he found call
ed “Which classic Thanksgiving dish are you?”
I hesitated, looking at Noah’s previous texts.
And I ignored them.
So what if all he wanted was to apologize for his behavior yesterday and for bringing Amanda home with him when that was totally insensitive? So what if he wanted to apologize for how things ended between us and for keeping things from me? I didn’t want to hear from him. Not even that. I needed him out of my life for a while to get over him, and if that meant pushing him away when he was just trying to be nice, then so be it.
After dinner (leftover yams, carrots, and bean sprouts that June had sent my dad home with, and meat loaf), we were back in the living room channel surfing, none of us able to agree on what to watch, when the doorbell rang.
My dad glanced at me before saying, “I’ll get it.”
Like he thought it’d be Noah.
And, to be totally honest, I thought it was, too. If he was so desperate to talk to me, there was nothing stopping him from coming over here to talk face to face when I ignored his texts. But then I told myself maybe it was Lee—because why wouldn’t it be Lee?
I could tell it wasn’t either of them, though, from the look my dad gave me as he put his head around the door. “Elle, you’ve, er, got a visitor,” he said, looking as confused as I felt.
I stood up and walked into the hallway. Was it Levi, maybe? Or—
Or not.
“Oh. Um…uh, hi,” I stammered, facing a smiling, rosy-cheeked Amanda. Her hair was braided, but the wind had blown a few strands free around her face.
I wanted to be mad at her just for looking so damn pretty, even windswept.
“Hey. I was, um, hoping we could talk, if that’s okay? I don’t mean to intrude or anything, but I thought it’d be a bit weird to just call.”
“No, that’s, um, that’s fine.” I gave my dad a look, and he ducked back into the living room, closing the door.
What was she doing here?
And what could she possibly want to talk about?
I composed myself. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Some water would be great, please.”
